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He cancelled for another friend- should I be upset?


Tearsbegone

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So the guy I have been dating for 4 months did something that makes me wonder if I should be upset or if it's not that big a deal- just looking for some feedback.

We spend two designated night a week together. We make sure we have our individual lives and keep up with friends etc. We had made plans as usual to hang out on Wed. We also have plans for the following vday weekend where we will be spending an extra day together going out of town.

He has wanted to see one of his best friends for awhile but his friend keeps blowing him off because of his controlling gf. A month ago it kinda messed up our plans because the guy will say he can hang out but then she finds out last minute and he cancels on my guy. So last night my guy said he was going to hang out with him on Wed. I was confused and said wait we have plans then. He said he was trying to fit everything in this week before we were going to leave and we would be spending the whole weekend together. I said that doesnt really matter- you cancelled plans on me to hang out with someone else and that's rude. He agreed said he was super sorry and that he should have talked to me about it first. He just figured he and his friend would have dinner and I could meet up with him later. Regardless I told it was disrepectful and he completely agreed and apologized again and said he should have talked to me first. Is this something I should make a fuss over or did he just kinda forget like guys do sometimes or is he taking me for granted?

 

Thoughts?

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He hasn't seen his friend for a while and, given that he's going to be spending a romantic weekend with you, gave him priority while he could. Disrespectful? Possibly, given that he didn't discuss it with you first.

 

You've already made your point, though, and he's already apologised twice, if I'm reading your post correctly. I think that's all the fuss you need to make, unless you want to ruin your weekend. Being assertive is stating your case, and then letting it go. Nagging and controlling are when you keep bringing up the same subject again and again, and it's a relationship killer.

 

Don't be that girl!

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Life doesn't always fit into a convenient schedule so roll with it. You've stated your case, he apologized. Let it go now and don't ruin your weekend. By the way, always strictly scheduled days to meet up will turn your relationship into a chore and more like an obligation than a pleasure. Mix things up more.

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He is not taking you for granted. Not by any stretch of the imagination. Quite the opposite, to be truthful.

 

Him telling you "so what?" and bailing on your vday weekend, but rolling up late one night for a booty call would be taking you for granted.

 

Disrespectful would have been him not saying a thing to you until late Wednesday when you hadn't heard from him.

 

Life sometimes doesnt' go according to plan... plans sometimes have to change. You need to learn to roll with it. IF you can't bend once in a while, you're going to break and you will be the one hurting.

 

I think that he was considerate and respectful of you to tell you enough in advance that you could do something else with your time and the fact that you're going to be together for the whole weekend more than makes up for him not spending Wednesday with you. Quite frankly, if I was him, your antics would ahve put a real damper on my mood for the weekend and I would be kind of miffed at whatever surprise I'd gone out of my way to plan for someone so ungrateful.

 

I think that you should apologize to him for that. It was uncalled for and wasn't worth the scene you've made over it.

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I agree with the others. You are overreading it. He rarely gets to see his friend and knowing you guys had a weekend together, figured it wouldn't be a big deal to cancel. Now he knows to check in on you. People are human and make mistakes. You will likely make some mistakes in the relationship with him that will rub him the wrong way. Treat him the way you hope he would treat you if the tables are turned. Which is to accept it was a normal human mistake, he apologized, said he'd do better next time... and now you move on.

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I think you should allow him a little leeway and would probably expect the same if you hadn't seen a good girl friend for awhile and already had a romantic weekend with him planned. He told you about it and apologized which is all he can do. If you make it into a bigger deal than a minor annoyance (and really minor) then you're going to create dramatic/bad feelings before the weekend which should be enjoyable for both of you. Spend your free time getting a pedicure or something fun before your romantic getaway and then show him how much you missed him the other night ;-)

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Thanks for the feedback! Honestly I wouldn't have minded a bit if he would have just said he wanted to hang with him but I actually brought it up not him- I said so what time tomorrow and then he was like shoot and told me, so it's not like he really thought it through. He wants me to come over after though- is that ok? Of course I want him to see his friend it's just getting old because he was supposed to see him the previous Sunday and I left instead of us hanging out and the guy again bailed. He's doing it a lot and it stresses my guy I out. I want them to spend time together like I said- but the other guy's gf has some serious control issues about him leaving the house. He was sorta a jerk on Sunday and apologized and then he did this so I guess I'm just a little sensitive. Plus im the one planning the whole getaway so its stressful.

 

You are all right I will drop it as I don't want to make a big deal and I'm sure he will make sure and check next time. I was pretty cool about it when he told me but today I got irked and started to feel angry. Now i will just let it go.

 

Thanks !!!

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And ..... you go along with it, so it's irrelevant who "created" it.

 

This. As I said in your other thread, this relationship is one where you're going to have to suppress your own needs/wants in order for it to succeed. I think that dynamic is why you find what would otherwise be a fairly no-big-deal situation very frustrating. I take it the weekend away was your idea?

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I was mainly responding to the posts about not being so rigid on things to include that's his thing not mine and yes I am happy to to along with it. I thought a lot about whether that would make me more sensitive to something like this and honestly it does not. If anyone did that I'd be upset. I've never had someone do that let alone the guy I'm dating. I'm used to the guys wanting to be with me all the time. He had talked about going away for a weekend very early on actually but it never happened due to his work schedule. I found him talking about it less but when I would bring it up he said he wanted too just had to get some work things under control. I did not pressure him into it- he wants to get away badly but says he is used to the girl making the plans.

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You're acting like he told you a half hour before you two were supposed to meet up. He told you 2 days in advance and so what if your reminder jogged his memory? He may have had other things on his mind and meant to say something to you.

 

If you can't learn to let go of things and pick better "hills to die on", then this is going to be a rather short relationship. He's not going to subject himself to your reprimands like a naughty child and you're angry mommy.

 

The issue of your boyfriend's boy bailing on him is a discussion your boyfriend needs to have with his boy. Him being a jerk to you about it is unproductive, but given what you've said in your posts, it's probably due to you overthinking all of this and being highly inflexible.

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He's not too busy to make travel plans for the two of you or to participate. He didn't do it because he doesn't want to go badly enough - and sorry, that's a load of BS as far as being used to the woman making all the plans. He was able to make advance plans with his friend to go out, right? It would be different if he asked you to make the travel plans because you had more skill in finding a good deal for example but he's simply sitting back and letting you do all the work so that later he can be off the hook as far as "well it was mainly your idea to go away" if you start making commitment noises again or complaining about his passivity.

 

I think it's good that you're getting away -you'll get more information about the two of you that way. Mostly just see it as an opportunity to have fun and not overthink.

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This sounds like a mess. A rigid schedule. Getting upset when he let you know two days in advance (perhaps it hurt more since he insists on having a schedule?). And after 4 months you refer to him as "the guy I'm dating"; not your boyfriend.

 

He doesn't seem all that into you. Doesn't matter how busy you are, if you're 100% into a girl you ask her to be your girlfriend and you spend as much time with her as you can. Heck, you invite her to join you in meet ups with your friends (not all the time, but why not if the available day you had plans with your girl?).

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If it's just this once let it go. He apologised. However It happened to me before that a guy all of a sudden started bayling/rescheduling etc constantly and it made me feel like he was not respecting my time. Because I had also other things to do than to wait around for him just so that he could bail on me the last minute for some stupid reason. And most of the time it was because I asked him like you did: what time are you coming? The thing is...it just got worse at the end and sometimes he was already supposed to meet me, then I would call him where the hell was he and he would be like: Awww sorry, I had to change my plans and I had no time to let you know blah blah blah bull. I dumped his ass and went NC after that. He wanted me back and I made a stupid mistake to forgive him. Anyways... pay attention in the future and keep an eye on him if he wll do it again.

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You're acting like he told you a half hour before you two were supposed to meet up. He told you 2 days in advance and so what if your reminder jogged his memory? He may have had other things on his mind and meant to say something to you.

 

If you can't learn to let go of things and pick better "hills to die on", then this is going to be a rather short relationship. He's not going to subject himself to your reprimands like a naughty child and you're angry mommy.

 

The issue of your boyfriend's boy bailing on him is a discussion your boyfriend needs to have with his boy. Him being a jerk to you about it is unproductive, but given what you've said in your posts, it's probably due to you overthinking all of this and being highly inflexible.

 

I'm actually super flexible, much moreso than he is. I'm not being his mommy I just feel like I deserve respect. He won't talk to his friend and it continues to mess up our plans. I just wanted feedback and appreciate it

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This sounds like a mess. A rigid schedule. Getting upset when he let you know two days in advance (perhaps it hurt more since he insists on having a schedule?). And after 4 months you refer to him as "the guy I'm dating"; not your boyfriend.

 

He doesn't seem all that into you. Doesn't matter how busy you are, if you're 100% into a girl you ask her to be your girlfriend and you spend as much time with her as you can. Heck, you invite her to join you in meet ups with your friends (not all the time, but why not if the available day you had plans with your girl?).

 

He likes to take things slow, he doesn't want to see me all the time and I don't want to see him all the time. I don't think that is an indication of how one feels about somelse.

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He generally thinks I'm better at it I think. The weird this was like a little over a month into things he was the one who brought up getting away- I wouldn't have. Then he went quiet. Your saying he doesn't really want to go? I certainly don't want the feeling like he's being dragged so should I just cancel it all?

 

I have been reading tons on introverts and everything fits him to a tee- he's on the extreme end but I can see how his behavior matches it and how I don't know how to react. He needs so much time and space- I worry two nights away is too much for him. He said he wanted too but there is no Excitment.

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I've been doing a lot of work on myself lately- self love, self esteem and confidence work, going to support groups to try and bond with other women, etc. I'm tired of the energy my brain is wasting. Tired of second guessing him or trying to interprete him when he is just a very different person who hasn't opened up emotionally yet. Rather than push or force which is awful, I'm sitting back. I'm just going to chill and try and treat him more like a friend- not so intense and just more relaxed in general. I am worth more and love myself more and this is a breakthrough for me. It's time to lighten up and have fun. If he can't do that it's not my fault. I'm responsible for my actions and from now on I'm going to stop obsessing- it's draining and useless. I'm scared to be me cause he seems critical but I'm ok with my faults and am working on them. I love myself as I am and I accept him fully despite is issues (he acts like a moody 12 yr old). As long as I know I'm doing my best that will crate inner confidence which will be a better place for me to come from than a place of fear like I have been. I'm confident that I am flawed, I'm confident I work hard to better myself, and I am confident that I must stop seeking value for others but only from me. It's high time I stop putting the world before me and make me #1. No one can love me if I don't. So I will look at this more casually and focus on enjoying time- no heavy relationship or feelings stuff. Just being.

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I think what is concerning is all of what Iggles listed before.

Also, that he would rather spend his time with a flakey friend who cancels constantly instead of you.

At least the odds are this flakey friend will cancel again and you'll probably get your Wednesday night back last minute

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I think you are lying to yourself if you tell yourself you're ok with having a casual, light mindset. If that's what you really want find someone who is not a moody 12 year old -who you see no future with but enjoy hanging out with. Having fun is essential in a relationship -what I found was that I could not relax and have fun if we were not on the same wavelength as far as our intentions.

 

Who cares if he's an introvert. Introverts show excitement about weekends away. Are introverts supposed to play hot and cold and critical?

 

I think your description of your own intentions is a very good one (other than pretending that you're fine with taking this all so casually) - you've taken on a huge challenge - maybe break it down into baby steps?

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