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Alan86

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My long distance ex-girlfriend broke up with me just under 3 weeks ago. We had first gone out two years ago when mutual friends tried to set us up, but it went nowhere. We reconnected last summer when those mutual friends got married and we were both in the wedding party. We live 4 hours apart. She is in the last year of a 2-year inner-city teaching/grad school program (she is busy with this and unsure if she wants to keep teaching and where after this year), and I work in a small city 250 miles south. Our relationship for the first two-and-a-half months was talking everyday over internet/text, with a couple dates thrown in when we were in the same area. We started officially dating toward the end of October when we were each other's dates to a pair of weddings in the same weekend. From there, things progressed very quickly, with us visiting each other every weekend until the beginning of December because our schedules worked out, she told me "I love you" about a month later, and not long after she suggested I look for jobs near the major city she's from that lies in between us, as that's where she will most likely be moving back to. I spent time with her family at Christmas (near the major city that she's from), and we spent NYE with the mutual friends who had set us up. She told me that she had never felt so comfortable with someone before, and was very open about things that had made past relationships fail, and what she had learned from them.

For a couple weeks after New Year's, I noticed that she was on-and-off less talkative, as far as random texts and things like that. The weekend before she broke it off, she went to another city where she had lived for a couple years as a kid, for her birthday (it's also driving distance from me, but she had her plane ticket before we started dating). The day before I was supposed to come visit her the next Friday to celebrate her birthday, she called me and abruptly broke up with me. She said that she didn't know what she wanted to do with her life, and was looking for jobs near the other city she had visited because it felt like home, and she was so busy with teaching/grad school. I didn't take it well, and told her I was willing to jump through hoops to make the relationship work, and basically broke down. She cut me off when her roommate came home, and told me to call her later if I wanted to talk. I texted her that night and told her that she was the "one that got away" for me since we first went out, and I had been willing to do anything to make the relationship work.

Almost 2 weeks later, after I had calmed down some, I emailed her and told her that I understood her reasons, and that I had been willing to work through her busy schedule and apologized if I got clingy or upset when plans didn't always work out, and that our job search schedules largely coincided and it didn't matter to me where she decided, and that we should've communicated better. I ended by wishing her luck on everything. She replied a couple days later saying that she had come to the conclusion that she didn't know what she wanted in life as far as career and location, and that she wasn't ready for a serious relationship. She said she thought she felt pressured and rushed by all her friends getting married. She ended by wishing me all the best, and telling me I was a wonderful person.

Odds are, we'll end up in the same metro area in the next 6 months (the city she's from, I'm still looking for jobs, and it's the best market for me, and I think she's too close to her family to go too far away). In the meantime, I have every intention of moving on and bettering myself.

But how can I put myself in a position to at least keep in touch with her, and make myself a viable option for her in the future? We were a very compatible couple, and had a great relationship, and I honestly think we were just victims of circumstance. I'm not hinging all hope on getting back together with her, but I think it could work if we were in the same location. What steps can I take to make that possible if it's meant to be?

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She replied a couple days later saying that she had come to the conclusion that she didn't know what she wanted in life as far as career and location, and that she wasn't ready for a serious relationship. She said she thought she felt pressured and rushed by all her friends getting married. She ended by wishing me all the best, and telling me I was a wonderful person.

 

the best thing you can do now is take her at her word, honor her wishes as you said you "understood her reasons", got NC and move on with your life. The best thing you can do is nothing. NO begging, disappear, go ghost and ninja on her. Heal up and take care of you. Doing anything else means you do not respect her and what she is asking for. All that matters is what she said in the break up. Listen to that. If you get the urge to contact her, post here first.

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You may have been this great couple from your perspective, but you clearly were not that from her perspective. Don't kid yourself about being a victim of circumstance, because you weren't. The thing about distance is that it stops people from dragging out a relationship that's not working out for them and for her, you were not worth the effort. Sorry, but accept it and get on with your life. The whole busy/grad school/work/blah blah blah is really just a nice variation of the it's not you it's me line. She may not know where she is headed, but she knows for sure she is not going anywhere with you. Sorry.

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I have every intention of giving her space, but I don't want to drop completely off her radar. Would it be so bad to wait a couple weeks and text her a "[comment about mutual interest that's going on]. Hope you're well."?

 

Write her letter in a few months. Takes two to tango. You don't want to seem forward. The heart knows what it wants.

 

You need to be completely be off her radar. It's only way she can realize she either wants to be with you or not. After break outs after while people can realize they made mistake. You don't give somebody enough time and they will resent you for it..

 

Doing nothing is more.

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Write her letter in a few months. Takes two to tango. You don't want to seem forward. The heart knows what it wants.

 

You need to be completely be off her radar. It's only way she can realize she either wants to be with you or not. After break outs after while people can realize they made mistake. You don't give somebody enough time and they will resent you for it..

 

Doing nothing is more.

 

Will a letter out of the blue just be a desperate last gasp? The prevailing attitude I've gleaned from a lot of relationship sites seems to be that when you re-initiate contact with the ex, keep it light and fun, like when you first started dating, and avoiding bringing up relationship issues right away.

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Will a letter out of the blue just be a desperate last gasp? The prevailing attitude I've gleaned from a lot of relationship sites seems to be that when you re-initiate contact with the ex, keep it light and fun, like when you first started dating, and avoiding bringing up relationship issues right away.

 

No. Just keep the letter mutual. Men that know their self-worth are very attractive to women.

 

She has you wrapped around her fingers. She broke up with you. she should be crawling back to you not the other way around.

 

Give yourself time to heal and date again. In 3 months right her letter. She should just be an option. Please be strong and good luck.

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You may have been this great couple from your perspective, but you clearly were not that from her perspective. Don't kid yourself about being a victim of circumstance, because you weren't. The thing about distance is that it stops people from dragging out a relationship that's not working out for them and for her, you were not worth the effort. Sorry, but accept it and get on with your life. The whole busy/grad school/work/blah blah blah is really just a nice variation of the it's not you it's me line. She may not know where she is headed, but she knows for sure she is not going anywhere with you. Sorry.

 

^^ This. Sorry, I know it's not what you want to hear.

 

What she's given you are excuses designed to soften the blow. When someone tells you they don't want a relationship, what they're really saying is they don't want a relationship WITH YOU.

 

Writing her a letter in a few months won't come off as anything other than desperate and needy -- and how attractive is that? Your best shot is to move on for real -- walk away, disappear from her world and focus on YOU and YOUR life, on healing and moving on.

 

Here's a guide that will help you: link removed

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