emotinally unavailable men.....is this what my ex is?

[Kam2014]

Hi, I'm probably posting this on the wrong page but it realtes to my ex and something I was thinking about this morning.

 

So I'm trying to figure out what is meant by 'emotionally unavailable men'. I thought it was someone who does not treat you well, only sees you when they want, doesn't invest anytime etc. But could I be wrong? After speaking to a friend, a psychologist, suggested my ex seems to be emotionally unavailable, I thought could this be the type of man:

 

1. who is thoughtful, charming and makes your friends laugh.

2. Invites you out with his firends.

3. He checks on you when you’re sick, send you good morning emails and good night text messages.

4. When out together, he does everything he is supposed to do to make sure your have a good time and he will to do everything in his power to please you sexually.

5. He is a good guy that takes pride in making sure a woman in his company has enjoyed her time with him.

BUT he just is not available to fall in love at this point....

She said the problem for them is that one part of them values and desire love and commitment, yet another part of them fears the very thing they want so much. And precisely because they very much desire love and commitment, these people are often very loving and caring and treat their partners with a lot of sensitivity and kindness -- and are very attentive to a partner's needs (often out of guilt for not giving their partners that one thing their partners want most -- commitment). The person who has this fear takes off because everything is so right about how they feel about you and about the relationship -- and that scares the hell out of them. They feel torn between extremes--longing to take a step forward into a loving committed relationship yet dreading being drawn in. Their fear often triumphs over their love.

 

When she told me this, it explained my ex very well. The above paragraph in particular.

 

I'm just wondering if anyone else has experienced this kind of relationship and man/woman...? Where you were treated so well and then they did a u-turn? Has anyone been told by their ex that they ran 'scared'?

 

I had one definition of an emotionally unavailable man but now i am thinking that maybe I was wrong and if this is what the problem with our relationship was!

[Lucha]

You just described my ex. She was very loving, affectionate and considerate throughout the first six months.. Then we had a quarrel over nothing really.. And I didnt even notice at first but then she started withdrawing. Afterwards she said to me "I dont know what is wrong with me, you are perfect for me, I just dont feel it and I wish I could". She had been ambivalent for three months when she finally broke up w/ me.

 

I dont know whether this is cliché cr*p talk from a person breaking up with you, indicating an underlying issue like commitment issues or emotional unavailability, or is this just the way things go in a RS? I am 25, I fell in love multiple times, and have never experienced my feelings out of the blue taking a U-turn.. (I did lose feelings once for one ex, because we didnt agree on a lot of stuff and had very different view on important things in life - house/kids/living/..)

[Kam2014]

Thanks Lucha. I got really confused as I thought that a EU man/woman is the complete opposite of what my friend described. She sees this a lot as a therapist. me and my ex didn't argue (we were still in the honeymoon period) and he did the u-turn. My friend said the u-turn isn't necessarily that they have lost feelings for you. More it is an internal struggle within them when they get too close - the fear of falling in love - fear wins over love. I think when you do not agree on things then it is almost a lost cause but when you do agree and have things in common it makes it harder to get over.

 

I guess I want to know if there are any people on this forum that have got scared and relate to the type my friend has described ....

[Kam2014]

oh an she also said they need to make the changes within. No pushing/pulling trying to desperately to make them want you etc will make a difference. Only they will know when they are ready to open their hearts and take a chance with someone they care for. In a lot of cases they have regrets - "the one that got away" syndrome - the women/man who they can imagine having a future with because they are perfect and what they want in a partner but are too scared to take a chance with them.

[Lucha]

RS are hard!

 

I dont think my ex will regret it. I hope she does, but think she's too immature for that. In her head it has to be all passion and infatuation, if not it is the end of the RS, while for me that is just the end of the honeymoon phase.

[mhowe]

Yes....my bf was that way....for the first 3 years of our relationship. And after a break due to caring for my mother/death....when I thought we were getting back

together, as he was "courting"....he did an abrupt 180 and said he was happy being single and didn't want a relationship.

 

I got up and left. Squared it in my head...and decided --- "I don't need this crap anymore".

 

A month later he came back (our break due to mom/issues had been 7 months --- so he clearly knew life without me).

 

And he wanted to try again. I asked why ---- his reply "I don't know, I miss you".

I asked what was different --- his reply ...silence.

 

And I said: That's not good enough. I love you and miss you, but what we had was broken and I don't want it back.

 

And then I shut up.

 

And he said: "I cannot picture my life without you in it. I did --- and I don't like it. I am all in"

 

And after that, we talked for around 6 hours over a 2 day period.

And he CHANGED. In fact, I have never seen such a dramatic change in someone's behavior. From avoidant to inclusive. From semi-demonstrative to

constistently demonstrative.

 

And that was almost a year ago. And he hasn't reverted once to his previous behaviours.

 

So --- in short --- your psychologist friend is 200% correct. Until they are ready to open their heart....it stays unavailable

[Kam2014]

RS are hard!

 

I dont think my ex will regret it. I hope she does, but think she's too immature for that. In her head it has to be all passion and infatuation, if not it is the end of the RS, while for me that is just the end of the honeymoon phase.

 

sounds like she will always be in short term relationships - you deserve much better. Real relationships go beyond just passion and infactuation. There is a bond and you want to love that person for everything about them (good and bad). you want to dote on them, be proud of them and show them off because you are proud. you want to look after them and be there for them when they are sad or in a bad mood. you want to build a future together etc. You cannot get this if you are not willing to go past the honeymoon stage and see what is beyond. you are obviously a lot more mature than her!

[Kam2014]

WOW. So you are still together. Did it not hurt you that he left you when you were most vulnerable and should have been there to support you? Or do you think his time alone needed for him to open up.

 

I have been struggling with this - I have never asked him back. I did ask if anything had changed 1 month after we broke and he said 'no'. I told him he will figure it out in his own time but must realise he can't keep 'chickening' out....esp when he says he is falling for me and I felt the same and that he misses me a lot and things remind him of me, misses waking up next to him etc but he can 'switch off'. For now I know nothing has changed.

[mhowe]

I pushed for the time apart because I could not deal with my moms end of life (Nov-Jan) and him. And then I needed to grieve. Losing a mother is a unique

and horrible experience. He suffers from seasonal depression --- and while I love(d) him, I had nothing to give to help support him. And he had nothing to give me.

So --- I was not hurt. I was numb.

 

He experienced little to no contact with me from Nov -Jun. So, he knew what me "out of his life felt like". He just attempted to go back to "emotionally unavailable".

And I elected not to. I was no longer willing to be in a half-a$$ed relationship.

 

We are still together. Our relationship has exceeded every expectation I had of the "new" version. We have plans to travel to Europe in May, live together at my

summer home this summer....and both expect to be together for the rest of our lives.

[Kam2014]

That is lovely and I'm really happy for you I know exactly how you feel when you lose a loved one. I hope that I find the same as you one day (I love my ex and I only realised this once it ended). For now I will let him be and get on with my life. I just hope that he will miss me enough to see that he prefers life with me. Only time can tell.

[jphcbpa]

fits my ex to a tee. the day before the BU we are having Christmas with her family. She is looking at me accross the room with tears of gratitude in her eyes mouthing, "baby, i love you". she was struggling inside and torn. part of her had everything she ever wanted in a man and a R and the other part of her would/will not let her have it. when they struggle so hard, they default and hit the "I will go at it alone" button they have used their whole lives. I knew there was nothing I could do but give her what she wants. I have been NC since day one. I offered to work on this with her and she declined. Nothing I could do at that point, but walk and heal up.

 

And he wanted to try again. I asked why ---- his reply "I don't know, I miss you".

I asked what was different --- his reply ...silence.

 

And I said: That's not good enough. I love you and miss you, but what we had was broken and I don't want it back.

 

And then I shut up.

 

And he said: "I cannot picture my life without you in it. I did --- and I don't like it. I am all in"

 

This is beautiful and so strong of a response mhowe. I think this is what NC can do for you. It gets you in the mindset that that old R is broken and would never work again and you are tired of being the only one doing the work. You realize that you deserve and want better and more in a partnership. NC makes you so f'ing strong and focused on reality.

[mhowe]

Yes, it is the power of NC. To heal, to rediscover your core --- and to know that breadcrumbs do not sustain life.

 

We had agreed in Nov, that the relationship was breaking down....and that should we get back together, a new building could be set on the old foundation.

And then he faltered.

And I said --- no.

 

Hurt, disappointed --- sure.

But absolutely not wanting to settle for less than I deserved.

[jphcbpa]

Yes, it is the power of NC. To heal, to rediscover your core --- and to know that breadcrumbs do not sustain life.

.

 

what did you do during NC to "rediscover your core"?

[mhowe]

I was grieving the loss of my mother. Who was a graceful woman of great strength. And I realized that she would have hated for me to be alone,

but she would have hated more for me to settle for someone who wasn't willing to be a full partner.

 

I focused on rebuilding my business, which I had put on auto-pilot. And in so doing, rebuilt my confidence in myself.

I focused on getting work done on my home, and opening my summer home to friends and family to enjoy and celebrate.

 

And I realized that life is too damn short to settle for less than I deserved --- and vowed that I would not.

[jphcbpa]

beautiful...thank you for sharing that. thank you for sticking around here and helping give back to others.

[mhowe]

beautiful...thank you for sharing that. thank you for sticking around here and helping give back to others.

 

Paying it forward is another lesson my mum taught me!!!

[Kam2014]

I was grieving the loss of my mother. Who was a graceful woman of great strength. And I realized that she would have hated for me to be alone,

but she would have hated more for me to settle for someone who wasn't willing to be a full partner.

 

I focused on rebuilding my business, which I had put on auto-pilot. And in so doing, rebuilt my confidence in myself.

I focused on getting work done on my home, and opening my summer home to friends and family to enjoy and celebrate.

 

And I realized that life is too damn short to settle for less than I deserved --- and vowed that I would not.

 

 

You seem so strong in your belief - like you knew that things would go this way! I wish I was this strong. I feel like the amount of time I spend thinking about him, even though I know nothing has changed, makes me exhausted and effects my job. Although I am getting on with my life - out with friends, gym, working etc - I feel like I am not 'rediscovering my core' like you did and I have moments of saddness when few minutes before I was really happy. The fact that he didn't actaully do anything wrong to me makes it harder. I don't say anything to him as I know he needs to figure his crap out and become more of a man that can take on a relationship.

 

I still would like to hear from the other POV - someone who ended it because they were scared of committment/love etc...

[mhowe]

I love(d) this man --- but we started dating when I was 49, he 48. I knew I could not change him --- and I was not sure that he would change.

 

My strong belief --- was in ME.

In my own strengths, in my ability to be alone if that was the outcome.

That my future, with or without him in it, would be fine.

 

When I walked away, I did not think he would be back.

 

You are not "getting on with your life". You are going through the motions, and focusing on the past and your expectations of the future.

And, not knowing your ex's age --- I would not hold my breath on him figuring out his crap and becoming more of a man.

 

If he isn't a man already, it will take a LOT of time.

[Mattiemae]

Emotionally unavailable men are usually men that can't relate to you and communicate their feelings. Most of the time they can't be real with you. Maybe deceptive, hide things, cheat on you, and they usually don't invest to much time or effort into you. Very rarely do they treat you right. They are usually controlling, manipulating, abusive emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. Withhold affection and usually sex. May or may not kiss you. Will spend more time with their friends or outside and leave you home alone. Emotionally unavailable people will work, but not much interacting with you other than friendship. Not really interested in who you are as a person. Not really knowing who you are at all.

[Kam2014]

Yes, that for me is the hardest part. there are days I do not care and am happy to focus on myself. but then I have days where I miss him. I am having more days of acceptance now.

 

He is 36 (almost 37) and I am 31. Still young. He is quite shut off and happy with his own space but apart from that he is great guy and his friends and the people in his life are lucky to have him. His only flaw is his own struggle with love/relationships - not being able to get serious, take a chance and give his heart. I'm a happy, bubbly girl - very ambitious and independent. I know I cannot change him and would never try to but that doesn't stop me missing him. It is up to him to walk his life how he wants to. i guess what my friend told me fit him perfectly well....

[Kam2014]

Emotionally unavailable men are usually men that can't relate to you and communicate their feelings. Most of the time they can't be real with you. Maybe deceptive, hide things, cheat on you, and they usually don't invest to much time or effort into you. Very rarely do they treat you right. They are usually controlling, manipulating, abusive emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. Withhold affection and usually sex. May or may not kiss you. Will spend more time with their friends or outside and leave you home alone. Emotionally unavailable people will work, but not much interacting with you other than friendship. Not really interested in who you are as a person. Not really knowing who you are at all.

 

This is what I thought...until my friend gave me her analysis of an EU man yesterday....if the above is true, then that definitely is not my ex lol. If what my friend said is true then he fits the bill perfectly

[mhowe]

My bf was married before ---- around the age of your bf. And it lasted 3 years and ended in divorce.

 

He has numerous friends, and all of them think he is the greatest.

 

But --- as good as he could be, he knew he was closed off emotionally.

And until he decided NOT to be...there was nothing to be done.

 

Sure, it's okay to miss him. And to mourn the potential of what "could have been".

But --- it is also okay to let go and start looking for what "could be".

[mhowe]

Emotionally unavailable men are usually men that can't relate to you and communicate their feelings. Most of the time they can't be real with you. Maybe deceptive, hide things, cheat on you, and they usually don't invest to much time or effort into you. Very rarely do they treat you right. They are usually controlling, manipulating, abusive emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. Withhold affection and usually sex. May or may not kiss you. Will spend more time with their friends or outside and leave you home alone. Emotionally unavailable people will work, but not much interacting with you other than friendship. Not really interested in who you are as a person. Not really knowing who you are at all.

 

Unless this poster is a psychologist, I would say your friends' insight is more accurate.

 

This sounds like an immature and selfish man --- period. In fact, it sounds like a sociopath.

[jphcbpa]

He has numerous friends, and all of them think he is the greatest.

 

haha yes they do. she was the most friendly woman I have ever met. family loved her. frankly, it is a coping mask imo. it keeps people close, but never allows them to come in fully in an intimate R.

 

But --- as good as he could be, he knew he was closed off emotionally.

And until he decided NOT to be...there was nothing to be done.

 

yes...powerless unless she decides to change. she has just started seeing a therapist in Nov because she knew (for the first time ever) that she could not run from this any longer.

 

Sure, it's okay to miss him. And to mourn the potential of what "could have been".

But --- it is also okay to let go and start looking for what "could be".

 

embrace the change, I am ready to start looking for what could be. let go of the old to bring in the new.

[mhowe]

I remember asking him --- "how is it that when we are together, you hold me so close (one night a week) --- and spend the rest of the time making

sure I am at arms' length?"

 

He had no reply.

In fact, I think he was shocked that I could see what he was doing.

 

The are aware of their behavior -- it is not subconscious. It is deliberate.

And until they realize that this coping mechanism will, in the end, leave them standing alone --- they are not invested in change.