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Confused, lost and heartbroken please help


Kay

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Just over a year ago on my 26th bday in nov I met my boyfriend, I was drunk and fell down the stairs and he happened to be there to catch me and help me up (at a club) not the most ideal place to meet a guy. So we exchanged numbers and at first I wasn't very keen on him I felt he was abit too cocky but I had been single for 3 years and my mates had been saying I need to give people chances, so we went on a few dates and I grew to like him which then led to me falling in love with him. I never thought I would but I've never felt this way for someone before and falling in love the second time round was amazing. He treated me like a princess and I loved it and we hardly ever argued. But when we would argue it would be a massive blow out.

 

Then one day just before my bday he was drunk and I was annoyed and he strangled me and telling me to ing listen to him, and pinning me up against the wall and shouting in my face. He then kicked me out of the house but one minute saying please give me 10mins and then next minute switching and telling me to off and kicking my stuff all over the place. I finally left and the next day was my bday and he had the cheek to turn up with his mates. 2 days later we were due to fly to Florida as he had it all booked for my bday! I didn't know whether to go or not but because I had been looking forward to it so much I decided I will go and see how it goes.

 

So I didn't get any time to myself after he had laid his hands on me and I had to be in a different country for 2 weeks with this guy obviously I was scared and hurt. So the 2 weeks were not fun I was cold towards him so he decided he would check out other girls instead of showing me love. And we argued everyday that one day he left and went to the airport but he came back. I admit that when I'm angry I can get quite heated and so recently I have calmed down. So when we came back from holiday I made a rash decision that I didn't want to be with him and I regretted it. So for a week we weren't together I was so depressed and realised I wanted him back and that I could forgive him for what he's done so I went back to him. At first he was scared to let me back in saying that he can't forget everything I've said and how cold I was towards him for the 2 weeks on holiday but he got over it and we got back together.

 

So when we got back together I had asked if he had been with anyone else during that week and he promised me time and time again that he hadn't even touched another girl. Then a week later I found messages he had been talking to a girl and she had his pictures all over Facebook and that they had been flirting saying I love you etc so I called him up angry and he said she's a girl overseas and that he was just messing around it's nothing serious but the point is he lied? But somehow tables turnt and it was me saying sorry to him because I was rude and he couldn't be bothered. Anyway this got dealt with and for 2 months being back with him he was treating and talking to me like and everything I said and done was ridiculous. He was just so short with me I was scared to say or do anything.

 

So 2 weeks ago I was looking at some pictures on his brothers phone and found pictures of my boyfriend kissing another girl. I didn't confront him but instead was giving him a guilt trip and he confessed, probably coz he thought I saw the pictures. Turns out he had kissed 2 girls when we broke up. Why are guys so immature that they feel the need to take pictures and boast about it? So anyway I packed my stuff and left again. The lies! I have told him from day one to never lie to me otherwise I could never trust u again.

 

So one minute he's messaging me saying he won't give up on us like last time and less then 24 hours he's saying goodbye. I've blocked him number on my phone so he can't contact me but he knows where I work so surely if he was willing to fight for us he would show up no? So we argued back and forth for days and everyday I was stressing all I wanted him to do was fight for me to show me he loves me and wants to be with me and he couldn't even do that. So instead of coming to see me he decides to go out and get pissed knowing I wouldn't like it and the next day when it's all out of his system try to turn up at my work? Anyway I didn't see him and told him it was over and he called me telling me to calm down and call him back so we can sort it out and work things out.

 

Only a few days later did I say we should meet up and get everything off our chests once and for all and he kept saying why can't we just talk over the phone and that he was sick and didn't want to come out. After everything he's put me through he didn't have the decency to spare me a few mins to talk?! Anyways after arguing he finally come to meet me and we got back together. And again I asked if he had been with any other girls I don't know why I do it to myself but I always want to know where my man has been and if he had been talking to that girl overseas. He said he hadnt kissed anyone but he was on a dating site and that he hadn't been talking to the girl overseas. The next day I found emails that he had been talking to the girl overseas! He lied once again! He said he had blocked her and that he wasn't talking to her but he clearly had. He was shouting at me and saying I'm going crazy and I didn't feed to it and stayed quiet and he then turnt around and said sorry that he blocked her for me so he's not talking to her anymore. Before he laid his hands on me I thought this guy was going to be my husband the father of my kids and everything but now I feel all he wants to do is go out and party and kiss girls. What do I do?

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You gain some self respect and you leave, that is what you do.

 

He lies, he cheats (emotionally and probably otherwise), he manipulates, he abuses you (emotionally and otherwise), he is emotionally immature and he takes you for a fool.

 

You tell yourself that he is not worthy of you, that you deserve so much better and you leave him to create a better life for yourself.

 

That is what you SHOULD do!

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OK, this guy starts strangling and choking you, and what you are worried about is that he's chatting up other girls when you were broken up?

 

You need to get your head screwed on straight here. This guy assaulted you, and you think the answer is to go on vacation with him immediately afterwards and pout and punish him for being a bad boy, but what you really get mad about is he chatting up other girls when you're not around. That is about ego and you wanting to be in control of his thoughts and feelings even when you're not together, while what you should REALLY be worried about is that is a violent abuser and could seriously harm you and is showing signs that he is not really committed to you or your relationship, just the drama.

 

So you need to just get out. Break it off with him and don't look back. You two seem to have a bad dynamic together where you set each other off and pout and blow up and play games rather than really meshing well together, and that is not a healthy relationship. So you need to let this go and find a guy where you don't have this kind of toxic dynamic.

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Block him from your life and tell him you will contact authorities if he contacts you again. Showing up at your work?! Do you want to lose your job over a loser like him? Pick up the life you still have and move on from such a horrible influence in your life! He's trash and he's trying to bring you down to his level. You're so much better than him.

 

I'm really sorry.

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I can relate a lot to the feelings you are having. My ex was emotionally abusive to me and he broke up with me once then we got back together then he kept threatening to break up and then he did it and I have just not spoken to him since and he's staying away (well his flatmate keeps texting me but I have no idea if that is connected to my ex who knows...). Anyway I want mine back I think to myself a lot. But it's just this damn game they put in your head by messing with you. You feel like you need them back because they have this power over you, they make you happy they make you sad. But it is NOT love. You may love him but he is not showing you love. He is a bad person and you need to get him out of your head like I am trying to do with mine. I have to detach myself from his mind games and be my own person, you do too. You are at the moment, his puppet. His slave. Even when you fight back he still knows he has this control over you trust me. The only thing he will not expect is you staying away from him. I often imagine my ex is going spare that I'm ignoring him he seems to be ignoring me back though which is quite funny.

 

If someone hurts you over and over again they are to be avoided ok? That's how simple this is. These people are DANGEROUS. It's not love, that intensity. It's DANGER. And yours has been physically abusing you which means he could KILL you. Please get away from him. You will think you want him back for a long long time but just listen to you head. Your head will be thinking logically about this. Your heart has been pushed all over the place.

 

My ex didn't cheat on me (no one would have wanted to lol) but by breaking up with me he knows it makes me worry about him being off with other people. He is so so insecure it has eaten away at him and turned him into a monster who does not think about anyone elses feelings, especially the girl who loves him. They know what they're doing. It's ALL TO HURT YOU. That is what they like. It makes them feel powerful and in control of something, putting you down makes him feel better. And I'm sorry but he won't change. And even if he did it takes a LOONNNGG time to change that wiring and he needs to do it on his own.

 

But there are men who are not like this out there. These men know they're pathetic, that's why they behave in this way. To make you feel pathetic.

 

Run away sweetheart. I still love mine and miss him but I know for my own sanity I've gotta get away from him. Luckily mine will have a lot of trouble finding a new girlfriend as he is socially inept (haha..) but you know he could have slept with someone by now, he could be with them, but it doesn't bother me too much now because I just know that it will go wrong with WHOEVER he gets with and I also know that if he was with someone he would want me to know because he would use ANYTHING that would hurt me against me.

 

Find things you enjoy that take your mind off him. He is like crack to you. It is an addiction, trust me. And it could kill you. Stay away sweetheart

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AND do not let your friends make relationship decisions for you. I made the same mistake with my ex, I wouldn't have gone out with him but my friend encouraged me. I have now learned to trust my own damn instincts. You must too now. Mine got into a bed I was sleeping in at a party, he didn't even really know me and just got in and was hugging me. I told him to get off and he kept trying to kiss me, touch me etc etc. I walked away thinking I'd never speak to him again but my friends kept saying he was ok (bad friends as it turns out) and I had just been rejected by someone and my brother had passed away so I figured I deserved some happiness and thought "this guy likes me that's nice". NEVER IGNORE RED FLAGS AGAIN. This will be the one thing you can take away from this experience.

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You need to break up with him permanently. He became violent AND he keeps lying to you. Game over. You CANNOT change him. You keep going back because you thought this guy was going to be your husband and the father of your kids and we can all appreciate how hard it is to give up that dream. It is this dream that you have trouble letting go, yet you must. That was only part of the picture and now you have the whole picture, which unfortunately is totally different. You need to adjust to the new knowledge that you have acquired. You don't want the father of your children to be a violent liar, do you? You CANNOT change him. That's why you need to let him go. And next time around trust your instinct when you feel that something is off. You mentioned that 'you felt he was a bit too cocky' and his actions afterwards do confirm that your instinct was indeed trying to tell you something. He feels entitled to mistreat and disrespect women. It has been my past experience that first impressions can be right when it comes to sensing negative vibes such as 'cocky, cold, judgemental' etc.

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What do I do?

 

It's simple, you love yourself more, you love the idea of life more than you do death and definitely more than him and you leave. Don't play around and accept his "gosh I'm sorry." The man is an abuser in every possible way--he's hurt you physically, emotionally, mentally and intellectually in every possible way. There is nothing left for you there, so go. You should have left the first time he put his hands on you, you should always leave the first time they put their hands on you. If he cries and wants you to stay don't listen, if he says he'll get therapy tell him that's great and he can come look you up in two years after he's successfully completed a therapy program. IF you're still available and he can prove he no longer loses his temper and is a completely different person from who he was--i.e. he's had a major epiphany of the life-changing sort. (Note: this is such a slim shot that you're more likely to see a unicorn, yes a real live unicorn!)

 

Seriously, this is not the guy you should be "giving a chance" with and you are better off single any time than you are to be with someone like this. He has the potential to kill you during one of his rages and cheating on you, bluntly speaking, is the least of your problems. Tell your closest friends and family what he's done, rally them around you, get your things out of the house while he's gone, leave a note that you'll press charges and a restraining order if he comes near you again and then leave. DON'T do any of that to his face, not by yourself, and don't let him be alone with you.

 

Call this hotline and talk to someone if nothing else and they can help you work out what to do, but the wrong thing to do is stay. link removed You may love him, but who you love is a guy that doesn't really exist and just showed you one face early on in the relationship. What you're seeing now is who he really is and he won't change, only get worse. And during one of your fights he may well badly hurt, cripple or even kill you.

 

I'm not trying to scare, just someone who used to work with people caught in abusive relationships, and I'm trying to wake you up and get you to see that your first instincts where you said you didn't care for him that much, were right. Start trusting your instincts again, get some counseling or therapy if that will help, and get free. I'll be hoping that you find your way free and safe.

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I didn't have to read very far to understand this is a relationship you will always find yourself in a domestic violence situation. It is about control, manipulation, and lowering your self esteem and self worth! Really you need to let go of this guy and find your self worth, and start loving who you are before you get into another relationship. You deserve to be loved, but people with abusive tendencies are not the guys for us. Really this road is so not what you want to go down. The thing is it is a vicious cycle. He'll be nice, and mean, and nice, and mean. Really your feelings, emotions, and mind will be manipulated. Sometimes this even ends up in death. You may even need a personal protection order if he bothers you when you want to exit the relationship. He expects you to be afraid and fear him. So my best advice is making sure you have a cell phone, and get one from the local woman's domestic violence shelter if you need one he doesn't no about. I'm sure your family and friends don't want you to be harmed.

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He's abusive, a liar, got temper issues, and obviously immature.

 

I'm going to tell you a quick story. I had a very similar ex bf, we met at a club, we fell in love, and he grew hot tempered and I found pictures of him with other girls. Long story short, the relationship only got worse and worse and the temper tantrums became worse as well. He laid his hands on you- trust me it's going to happen again except over time it's going to get worse, you don't want to be there when that happens again. This same ex I told you about, ended up contacting me 2 years after our breakup and trying to call me as a booty call while he was with his gf. I was so pissed off. It made me realize- how sad it was that I was probably that gf at one point getting played. Don't do it to yourself, respect yourself and move on.

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