Met someone from online-feel dissapointed, expectations too high?

[Laluna14]

I started messaging someone from OKC and was pleased that we started exchanging long emails on a variety of different subjects. Unlike most of my interactions on there he seemed really intelligent and like he could carry on a good conversation. We also seemed to share many of the same interests.

 

We met tonight at a coffee shop. Generally when I go to meet someone for a coffee as a first meeting, I don't expect it to last hours but this went on for four and a half hours. Mind you the conversation was good but... he really did not look like his photo. His hair was curly and very poofy and he had on a pair of dark unattractive glasses, baggy pants and a large baggy purple sweater. I hate this but I couldn't help but be put off by his appearance. I felt like, it wasn't like he should get dressed up but he is meeting a woman for the first time. He looked quite nerdy. Again I hate myself for saying this because we really did have a lot to talk about and I enjoyed most of it.

 

But yes he was definitely quirky. Another red flag for me was his employment. He mentioned he had taught ESL for a while and is now an interviewer for a market survey company. One of those people that conducts telephone surveys. I know what this is because I used to do it part time when I was in university. I feel like I'm being really shallow by judging this person on their looks and their job. It's not the job that bothers me but by his apparent lack of ambition. He is in his mid-forties and admitted his employment history is not great due to his lack of decisiveness on what he really wants to do. That just concerns me a bit. He is obviously highly intelligent and maybe doesn't fit into the corporate mould of many companies. I don't know.

 

The other thing that didn't sit right with me is the length of the "date". After a couple hours I started hinting that I had things to do this evening and needed to leave but he didn't take hint. Finally after a long time I put on my jacket and we finally left the coffee shop. Then we stood on the street corner and despite the fact that I said a few times that I needed to go and my attempts to leave he would keep babbling on and bringing up new topics. Again, I feel bad because he was probably enjoying himself and didn't want the "date" to end.

 

I feel like overall it went okay but I don't know if I can get over his appearance or my concerns over his lack of a career really or his lack of real respecting my time. I worry if I do meet him again it will go on for hours. He seems like a decent, intelligent guy but I'm really not sure I feel that romantic spark. I'm not sure if I should give it another go or not. I feel so disappointed. I feel like so many times with online dating things don't live up to my expectations. Maybe my expectations are way too high. I feel like giving up on online dating.

[tmp110314]

Maybe he just doesn't have a sense of style and can't dress himself properly. He may have thought that he looked just fine.

 

If you decide to give it another go, I would suggest that you set the boundaries up front. Assert some urgency to the fact that you need to be elsewhere and set a limit on the length of the meet up.

 

First impressions can be a knock out punch, however, the ice has been broken and maybe, should there be another meet up, things may take a different turn.

 

Just some thoughts.

[missmarple]

Too many issues for a first date. Looks, job, time...I don't know...if you had a good time, I guess, you could give him one more chance but I wouldn't be too hopeful.

How long had you been exchanging emails?

[jjkk]

I agree with missmarple. If you're seeing this many things that don't work well for you on a first date it's not going to get any better. If you're serious about finding someone for a relationship I wouldn't waste my time.

[Edmund Exley]

This is the prime example of why so many relationships don't work out. You met someone, nothing about who he is appeals to you, yet your looking to find a reason to pursue him.

[BigKK]

You feel sorry that you wanted to end a date that you wanted to end already. Don't be, just be real. He isn't able to pick up hints from another person that it's time to shut up and say bye. You listed a number of other things. Welcome to dating, I know its hard but if the situation occurs next time, try to be a little more up front and cut it early rather then spend an evening listening to someone babble.

 

 

From my experience of chatting with people online, e-mailing back and forth, and then meeting them in person. Some people "convey" their real-selves online very well, while others have alter-egos and use the internet and the comfort behind a screen to truly express themselves. I've met people for dates, for hobbies, sports, travel, stayed at strangers homes (couch surfing) and I found that just because we "get along great" online, doesn't necessarily mean it will happen in person. It's the little things, the nuances that sometimes will bother you...in your case when you write e-mails, you get to read his e-mail when you are in a "reading mood" but there is no stopping him once he's in your face.

 

I personally hate people that don't have the self-awareness to shut up, it comes off mildly egocentric and I get very very turned off...possibly because I talk a fair share of my own, but conversations should be like ping pong.

[chr8st8na]

don't settle... thats all i can say.

[Throwaway999]

You aren't being shallow about the clothes thing. I had a similar date recently, she made it to a second date because she was cute, but she was frankly kind of disheveled and it was a turn off. I, at the least, want my dates to put forth the same effort I do. If they can't even bother to look nice for the first or second date, how much less effort would they put forth after they've gotten comfortable in a relationship?

 

I know some people will say "Oh, that's something that can change" but I'd say that by the time you reach a certain age, the die is cast, you know? If you are a slob at 30-some years of age or higher, you are probably going to remain a slob.

 

Remember- what you see is what you get.

[annie24]

Regardless of how you feel about the guy, you could have just been more forceful about leaving. It's not like he was restraining you. If you need to get going, just leave.

 

Do you want a second date?

[Mattiemae]

Really it seems you are saying online you were compatible, but this happens sometimes. We do have high expectations, and of course they're right, he may just need help with fashion and style. Jobs will always change and so will finances. So he is rough on the edges. Take some time to get to know him better, and maybe meet a few more times. We can be nervous, and fearful of the first date. If you've seen him a few months in person and still feel the same way, just be honest with him and tell him you tried to get to know him better, but it just doesn't feel romantic or you don't click.

[missmarple]

If you've seen him a few months in person and still feel the same way, just be honest with him and tell him you tried to get to know him better, but it just doesn't feel romantic or you don't click.

 

Months??? Why would anyone spend months on someone they're so and so about?

[Batya33]

I don't think you're being shallow. Your story is why I exchanged only 1-2 emails and talked by phone once or twice before meeting - less of a time investment and lower expectations. My guess is he was very eloquent on e-mail (also because he has a lot of time to send e-mails). No harm in seeing him one more time I guess but if you chose not to I can see why!

[Ms Darcy]

I started messaging someone from OKC and was pleased that we started exchanging long emails on a variety of different subjects. Unlike most of my interactions on there he seemed really intelligent and like he could carry on a good conversation. We also seemed to share many of the same interests.

 

He seems like a decent, intelligent guy but I'm really not sure I feel that romantic spark. I'm not sure if I should give it another go or not. I feel so disappointed. I feel like so many times with online dating things don't live up to my expectations. Maybe my expectations are way too high. I feel like giving up on online dating.

 

You seem to not understand that the purpose of the first meet is to figure out if there is enough interest to keep seeing each other. I think you may have spent too much time talking online and making assumptions about what the in person connection would be. Next time - less online communication and more in person.

[Rosti87]

You need to ask yourself does he personify your core values? Where do you want to be in five years? Where does he want to be in five years? Is he in temporary state or is this all there is? Can you live with that? Remember you can't change people. You can't influence people much after a certain age. He is over the age of 35 and more than likely he is what he is.

 

Ultimately it is up to you. Reflect upon it and make that decision one way or the other.

[j.man]

The biggest thing that helped me is something someone already mentioned. Stop exchanging novels over email and meet the guy. Go back and force a few times, and if he seems like he could be alright, have him call you to set up a date. Keep it brief.

 

For one thing, you run out of ice breakers to bring up, and you spend time trying to think of things to say when you could've been riding the momentum of a decent conversation. And for the other, as said, it's less commitment. It's just a date... and chances are not even that. Thinking of the first coffee not as a date, but scoping out someone to see if you'd be interested in going on a date with him. I know there's a creepiness factor with online dudes that a lot of women want to be extra careful to filter through, but I've heard all the horror stories and it won't help. If you're really worried, make it a rule for yourself only to meet during the day and in a very public spot, somewhere you can duck out easily.

 

So in short:

- Cut the online chit-chat

- Lower your expectations... not of the guy, but of the situation.

 

If you don't like someone, you don't like them. It can be for the most trivial of reasons. For example, I can't do gummy smiles. And I know I'm the worst person on the planet for that, but it is what it is. At least you can take solace in the fact your judgements are based on his behaviors.

[mbee]

It's up to you on whether you want to pursue a second date or not. With my ex, we met online and I could not tell if I felt attracted to him or romantic towards him at all. Similar to your date, the date went on far too long than I expected. I enjoyed the date but felt it was just too much time spent with someone I'd just met for the first time, but he kept wanting to push hanging out. He also was in a poorer financial situation than he made out online. He was a professor, but really an adjunct professor who still lived with his parents. He also sounded and acted pretentious and I feel terrible for saying this, but his laugh was really weird and I didn't find it cute or attractive (after being together I simply got used to it). The first hour he just talked about his job and work. Anyway, I gave him another chance and we were together for 2 years and he was someone I thought was the love of my life. But trust me, the first date, I was NOT feeling it. And like you, I had spent weeks communicating with him online (we weren't able to meet due to travel conflicts) so it was a disappointment initially.

 

I think you have plenty of reasons to NOT pursue a second date, but if you want to give it another shot that's fine. Just to give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he wasn't trying to look too nice for a coffee date. On first dates that involve casual dates, I purposely try to not look that good. I just try to look like a normal version of myself, but slightly better. A purple sweater is a bit ridiculous though. In the future, tell him straight out that you have to leave. Be very direct and cut him off if he asks a question. Anyway, if you do a second date try to meet over dinner at a nice restaurant and see if he cleans up for that.

 

The job thing is not that much of a dealbreaker. You do need to have a discussion about long-term goals and how his current financial situation is, but if he's looking for a change than it is what it is, and it's up to you if that's a dealbreaker. If he has money saved up then it may not be that much of an issue.

 

Either way I wouldn't blame you if you didn't want a date. There were quite a few turnoffs from your initial post.

[Laluna14]

Thanks so much everyone for your responses! I really appreciate reading your insights and perspectives. I think we had been emailing for about one or two weeks, so not too long. The weird thing is that I initially messaged him in October. He wrote to me about two weeks ago saying that he hadn't had a reliable internet connection and had computer problems. I know that can happen but that alone surprised me.. no internet connection for four months?

 

I try to be open minded and not write someone off right away. But I think if I am truly honest with myself I don't see this going anywhere. I think we did connect online and I suppose it was a mental or intellectual compatibility. But as many of you have pointed out, that doesn't always translate to in person connection. In fact, sadly, I find that all too often it doesn't which makes me not trust the online process anymore. I think I built it up to something in my head because we seemed to have a lot of common interests and because we had exchanged several of these really long, cerebral messages where we seemed to really connect. So yeah, it was surprising and disappointing when we met in person I'll admit.

 

I know I could have and should have been more forceful about needing to leave. The first meeting in my mind should be brief even if you do have a connection. That can be explored more in a subsequent date. I was trying to be polite but I ended up feeling resentful for several hours of my time being taken up by something that probably won't lead anywhere. I felt like the fact that I said several times that I needed to go and had things to do was enough but in the end I probably should have just gotten up and left. Well in the end after standing on the street corner for several minutes and shivering (it was cold!) I finally did say "Okay, bye!" and walked away. He probably would have continued babbling away. Sadly, I felt that he probably does not pick up on social cues easily or maybe is a bit socially awkward.

 

Anyway it is disappointing but it is what it is. I have to be honest with myself and I don't see the point of another date and certainly would not spend months getting to know someone I had this initial reaction to. As I said I don't like judging people too quickly and try to be open minded and give people a chance. I keep thinking that I am probably way too picky which is why I am still single. But sometimes it is better to be alone than be in company you don't really enjoy. I think it is good advice to only message a few times and not too lengthy and then to meet in person so as not to build things up too much. Ultimately it is the in person meeting and whether there is a connection there or not so there is no point in spending tonnes of time chatting or emailing back and forth. Boundaries, very important!!

[mbee]

If you are happy with your decision then you made the right choice. From reading this post it sounds like you have lots of resentment and I understand. Also, not having an Internet connection would be a red flag to me. You can find free wireless anywhere and internet cafes. He could even use a friend or family member's computer. It makes sense if he just gave up on dating and took a break, but that doesn't sound like the case...

 

Either way don't give up on online dating. Sounds like you may need a break but it's really not all that bad. Maybe in the future, try to not get so emotionally invested before you meet the guy.