My girlfriend thinks she is gay, we are both confused

[Adam B]

My girlfriend and I have been together for over 2 years now. Both around 40. When we met, we jelled, we enjoyed what we called an effortless relationship, we were sexually active and physically attracted to one another. Earlier on she told me she was bi, she had been married for many years, had kids, then got a divorce, her husband was to abusive and a cheater. Before we met she was in a few relationships with men and women. She mentioned the lesbian relationships were not sustainable (too much drama)

After a year or so, I noticed her lack of interest in sex with me. She has been off and on with her medication which kills her sex drive.

From time to time we had sex, but I could tell is was more for me, I feel she was being selfless just to satisfy my needs.

I didn't push the idea, understanding her incredible stress with her needy and irresponsible kids, her baby grandson and grad school.

Recently we had a serious talk, she told me she thinks she's gay, and confused, she said she is only interested in lesbian porn for what that is worth.

 

We are truly in love, and are best friends. We both want this relationship to work out.

Can it workout, if she is truly gay, then I would only be stifling who she really is, and could not bare doing that to this amazing women.

 

Any insight to this would be appreciated

[oitnb]

You should let her go IMO. She's 40 and needs to truly figure out what her sexuality is so she can enjoy life and not hide who she is. This might hurt to hear, but having you around is hindering that process. She sounds very confused.

[lukeb]

I think it is difficult to say there are ebbs and flows to any relationship. I think the two year point can be a difficult point, long enough to lose that new, honeymoon feeling but not long enough to feel a deeper connection. If it was really good once there may be reason to try to work things out. Now that I am older, and more set in my ways, I am more interested in being with someone compatible and who allows me to be the person I am than I used to be.

[lavenderdove]

Game ender.

 

I think if she's made this confession, she is basically letting you know she's not interested in physical intimacy/romantic love with you. If you are truly in love, there is a strong physical attraction and desire for both physical and emotional intimacy. So you are not in love in the same way. She can love you like a brother, love you like a BFF etc., but if she's not in love with you romantically, it won't work in the end.

 

If you are best friends, my suggestion is that you break off the romance and take time apart to heal and for you to find a new GF. At that point when you don't have romantic feelings for her anymore, you could go back to being friends. By then she'll probably have found a new female partner as well.

 

btw, many people don't finally come out entirely until middle age... they have to be comfortable and accepting of themselves, and are not confident/sure enough of it when they are younger to really accept it and come out. So it sounds like she is now making that journey, and realizing her true orientation and is coming to terms with that. Sadly that will mean the end of your romantic relationship.

[Adam B]

Thanks everyone for your honesty and thoughts