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Moved away for job...is it time to go our seperate ways?


purplemoon

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I was dating my BF for about a year and his company was going through some reorganization so he decided to put his resume out there - just in case he were to get laid off. Well long story short - a recruiter found him and he interviewed and was offered a job 3 hours away. He was not laid off and his job was safe here. Well, he started talking to me about taking the new job 3 hours away because it was a good opportunity. He said I could find a job down there and move in with him. I said what if I can't find a job there (small sucky town) and he just blew it off like I would find a job. I didn't want him to go but I am not one to try to hold someone back and I told him I would try to find a job there. So he moves.

It has been a year now and I cannot find a decent job in that town. The best jobs I can find are in a larger city about 1 - 1.5 hours away. My commute now is 5 minutes each way. There it would be over 1 hour each way. He calls me every night..but will only visit me here once a month. I usually travel there 2 times a month. Im getting really sad and lonely about the distance. He has not offered me anything to come down there...no engagement...nor offer to support me so I can find a job...nothing. For me to move, I would have to uproot my whole life. Find a new job, quit my current job, sell my house, and move my stuff into HIS house. I have security here ...there I would be at his mercy living in his house. He makes a lot of money and his company paid him a big sign on bonus, moving expenses, housing expenses, etc.... While I make a respectable living...I'm not likely to find a job that will do all that to get me down there. I just dont know how much longer I can continue this long distance relationship. I resent him a little for moving...I feel like HE left ME...he changed the dynamics of the relationship...so he should be doing everything it takes to be with me. But the reality is...I am the one who has to change everything about my life to be with him. I'm just really sad now..I love him and want to be with him...but the distance is killing me. I dont want to start over as I am 35 but he expects me to make the sacrifices to be together and I feel he should be doing more. Is it time to go our separate ways?

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We have been dating 2 years now...both are in our mid-30s

 

Your 1st sentence says you have been daring for about a year.

A man in his 30's is generally focused on moving forward in his career and will not let a new relationship take precedence.

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Would moving in and taking a job 1-1.5 hours away be an option for you? It is not a fun commute, but you could do it. Would he be interested in this? I don't think 1 year is too soon to be talking about moving in and marriage.

 

As of now..I dont even have a job offer....only interviews I can get are in the city 1 hour away. He is located in a different state....which employers would rather hire locals..so it makes it harder for me. He doesnt have to do anything....it is all on me.....but I am NOT the one who moved. I feel this is unfair. =(

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As of now..I dont even have a job offer....only interviews I can get are in the city 1 hour away. He is located in a different state....which employers would rather hire locals..so it makes it harder for me. He doesnt have to do anything....it is all on me.....but I am NOT the one who moved. I feel this is unfair. =(

So why not have him help you network with the locals? Better yet... And I have done this before... When you apply for jobs around his area and he's ok with you moving in... Apply using his address. I have been hired for three companies using my fiancés address to show that I have a place to live nearby.

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If you find a job an hour away from him - you can move in between him and the job and it can be 30 minutes either way. I would not live with him without a commitment. I would not sell my house without a commitment. I would rent it out or find a way to rent an efficiency apartment near your new job as a trial and leave your house empty for a few months to make a decision.

 

As far as "sacrifices" - it seldom is that moving is even sided - couples move to follow a job for one of them or sick family members for one of them. And the other follows. I think that you have to decide for yourself and i would be more willing to move if a future had already been decided upon. It seems right now it is for dating convenience. But i don't know him and the full story. To some, getting a more stable job is the decision they make for the benefit of both.

 

Since you are rooted because you own a home (did he?), maybe you need to discuss things from all angles.

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It sounds like you're doing most of the work to keep this up. I think he kind of planned all along to take a better job even if it meant leaving you. He's making his career a much larger priority. I wouldn't recommend uprooting your life because if you break up with him you won't have much security left. Maybe you should ask him where he thinks the relationship is going long-term, and then things might be more clear. If he's evasive then it would seem like he's putting his career ahead and not thinking about marriage at all.

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