First Gay relationship and Alcoholic

[Setl05]

This is what is going on. I met my now gf 13 yrs ago when I was 20 and she was 18, we had this amazing connection but unfortunately it did not last as her parents were extremely religious, found out we were talking and had her move back from Texas to California. She was supposed to stay in Texas to attend college. We lost touch and reconnected in July of 2012. At that time she was overseas with her husband and 2 children and we talked off and on for 6 months but knew it could not work because of the distance and her being married and trying to avoid the fact that she was gay and not bi-sexual. Fast forward to August of 2013, she's back in the states, lives in Washington and I am still in Texas. We became official in December of 2013 and have been dating now for 2 months.

 

With all this being said, she told me in August she was an alcoholic. I was in denial because she's been married for 11 years and had a tumultuous marriage from the get go because of sexual identity and thinking it would go away being married and having a family. Well it didnt. I too was married at one point and abused alcohol for a year and a half but because of my mental state but as soon as I healed and had stability, I no longer turned to alcohol. Since August, she was drinking but as a functional alcoholic, I could not tell. Because we are in a long distance relationship, I dont see her and what she is doing but I want to trust her and not judge her, because only she knows what she is going through. The longest she has been sober was 90 days and then started drinking again ever since Jan 17th.

 

I did not grow up in a alcoholic home and she is the only one that is an alcoholic in her family. We both grew up in strict religious homes and this was non-existent. She has been drinking since she was 17 and is not 31. I love her to pieces and her 2 boys. She is in the middle of getting a divorce and the whole distance thing causes her anxiety and she is struggling to process her emotions.

 

I have been and am very patient with her. I went through group therapy myself last year for 5 weeks and it did wonders for me. I am non-judgmental, patient, understanding and dont make her feel guilty. Since she's been drinking, she doesnt tell me that she is but when we have talked in the evenings, I can tell because I hear her cup with ice. The other factor is that she had told her family she is gay minus her sister and eventually her extended family will find out as well. My parents know something but I have not told them yet. Our parents will flip when they find out because our parents are ministers and grew up in the church.

 

Sorry for the lengthy post but I see my therapist on a weekly basis and she said that I should give it a year if the plan is for me to move in with her.

 

On a positive note, my gf realizes she has a problem, was doing well attending AA meetings and checking in with her sponsor. She is not rude to me, does not disrespect me and never makes me feel bad. She is reassuring of how this has nothing to do with me but she has to want to change bad enough to seek help and not resort to alcohol to mask her emotions and/or pain.

 

The 1 time she drank with me and I know I shouldn't have but again all this is new to me, she did not drink like crazy and was controlled about it but Im sure it was because of me. I dont know what to do and feel like its a lot of pressure on me as I have never been in this situation before. Unfortunately, her ex-husband to be was a complete enabler and was in denial of her being an alcoholic.

 

Anyone else been in this situation?

[mhowe]

She is an alcoholic and you drank with her??? What were you thinking?

 

 

You are having an affair with a married woman. Period.

 

And if she is in AA, the program strongly suggests that you have a year of sobriety under your belt BEFORE you get into a relationship. So....you need to wait more than a year if you want to be supportive.

[Setl05]

Again, this is all new to me and she did not drink like crazy the 3 days I was there. She had it under control. She has been legally separated for over a year and her divorce will be finalized by July. Her husband knows she is gay, he has already moved on with another woman and knows about us. So technically yes, she is having an affair but in their eyes, the marriage is over with and has been for the last 2 years.

 

In terms of AA, I did not know that. Again, all this is new to me, seems like you are coming off extremely judgmental.

[mhowe]

Seems like if my potential partner told me she was an alcoholic, common sense would dictate NOT drinking with her.

 

If you want to enter a relationship with an alcoholic, you might consider attending Al-Anon meeting to find out how to be a supportive partner. Not someone in denial as to the severity of the issues you will face.

[bulletproof]

All that matters is that she is an alcoholic. All the reasons for why she may be one (coming out to a strict religious family, divorce, etc.) are irrelevant to the story. The best thing you can do for her is to let her get sober while staying single. That's not to say you can't be supportive, but I would advise against a romantic relationship with her until she has some long-term sobriety under her belt. It would also probably be a good idea if she got other aspects of her life under control as well before getting into a relationship with you.