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Advice Needed - Helping Friend With Alcohol/Life Problems


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I have a good friend who I've known for 20 years. Over the past year or so he's made some decisions that have caused his life to crumble, e.g. losing his professional credentials, marriage ending, financial issues etc. I've never known him to be anything other than a social drinker until know. He's drinking to excess daily, I don't think he's an alcoholic or maybe he's a situational alcoholic. Its as if he's crawled into a bottle to forget this mess he's in.

 

I made him an offer to temporarily move in with me with one condition, he gets help for his drinking. At first he was insulted, told me to F-off, he later called and apologized and said he'd think about it. I'm not sure what there is to think about as he has no where to go, could his love/need for booze be that strong?

 

I told him I'd attend meetings with him (as my schedule allows), I had all the alcohol removed from my house, can anyone offer any other advice or words of caution? He's a good man, just hit a rough patch based on poor decision making on his part, I know he can turn things around with a little support.

 

Thanks in advance!

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Because he is in denial. And until he is no longer in denial, you cannot fix him.

 

You need to stop trying to save him.

Or you will change his addiction from booze, to dependence on you. And that is unhealthy as well.

 

You might attend an Al-Anon meeting for family/friends to see what you think you are signing up for....

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You don't have a lot to work with here. All the energy sounds like it's coming from you. That will only make you both very miserable. You havent said anything about this persons desire and commitment to letting go and facing the problems he's avoiding.

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

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First, your friend didn't just hit a rough patch - he is an alcoholic. You need to admit that just as much as he does.

 

Second, don't push him. He will only sort himself out when he is good and ready for it and not a second before that. For many, that means finding themselves in the gutter quite literally.

 

Third, if you want to help, then just leave that door open and let him know that when/if he is ready to climb out, you will be there for him and lend him a hand free of charge. Meaning he won't owe you in any respect - financially, gratitude, emotionally, etc. Make sure that your help doesn't have a hidden agenda and that you are clear to him about that.

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Others have already said it... but he has to want to "fix" himself. It's awesome that you're willing to help him pick up the pieces and put his life back together, but you won't be able to really do that until he's ready to do it for himself.

 

There is a saying that you can only help someone as much as they are willing to help themselves. It's very true.

 

Be there for him, and you've let him know he has a place to go when he's ready. That's more than a lot of people get.

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The impetus to turn things round has got to come from him, rather than you. Rather than attend meetings with him, attend Alanon meetings for yourself; remember that if he's an alcoholic, the booze will always be more important to him than any relationship, or anything else in his life. If you have a pattern of picking up the pieces for people who are really on their uppers, go to Alanon or CoDA for yourself anyway.

 

You can get rid of all the alcohol in the house, but there's a saying 'An alcoholic will find a drink in the middle of the desert', meaning that you can't control his drinking, no matter how much you'd like to try.

 

This is going to sound terribly harsh, but don't push him any further to move in with you. If there are arrangements to be made, leave him to do it rather than you and let him make the arrangements to go to AA. Sure, you can enable his recovery by giving him a lift there - IF he's made the decision off his own bat to go.

 

Addicts of any kind do not seek help until they've reached their personal rock bottom; what they're looking for in the interim is a way of staying sick, safely. Ironically, the people who want to help them can inadvertently prolong the addiction by making things too comfortable for them to actually seek help.

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