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are my standards just too high?


doingitmyway

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Hi,

 

I've not dated for about 14 months, and to be honest Im not even sure I count that since she was messing me around. I seem to attract girls every once in a while, but I can't bring myself to date any of them because they either say something of have something about them that puts me off, instantly. Here's some examples:

 

1. Most of the girls I seem to attract have whined to me about wanting to kill themselves. I have heard that from so many people its actually very hard for me to take it seriously anymore on just word alone.

 

2. The girls I seem to find have issues with being either very self centred or very confrontational, sometimes even telling me what I should be for them.

 

3. This probably shouldnt be as big a deal as it is, but I cant bring myself to date people who suffer depression, anxiety or other mental health conditions. I tried to in the past and found the depression rubbed off on me because I have a slight tendency towards anxiety disorder symptoms from my mother. I find I get dragged down and start assimilating their unhealthy traits into myself, so I try to avoid it as best as possible.

 

Now, my goals have really changed after my last relationship and the aftermath (lets just say, it was incredibly messy) and I'm now on an even keel again, but Im playing for long term companionship now. I want to find:

 

1. Someone with motivation and career goals in mind that compliment us as a couple so we can both work and prosper from it.

 

2. Someone who'se pretty liberal in their levels of acceptance. I'm what some called genderqueer, and something that has put me off girls in the past is intolerance of the idea.

 

3. Someone who respects me enough to be honest.

 

Now I'm still only 22, nearly 23, but I seem to struggle finding people of a similar mindset to myself. Is this an age group thing or am I just not getting out there enough to find people? Im an animator and a student, so my time is a bit cut down, and since Im preparing for an internship, training in martial arts and boxing, I dont have many activities that have a great deal of women around me most of the time. The ones I do know are students and I dont know if its my generation but there seems to be a lot of immaturity in the people my own age that I dont mind as friends, but is off-putting in a partner for me. I'm considering the idea my standards are too high, or Im just not really in the right place in life to even find a partner given how busy I am, but you know, it does get a little lonely.

 

Any thoughts?

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What is genderqueer?

 

to put in simple terms, its under the trans umbrella, basically you don't identify internally as the physical sex you have externally. Ie: being male but identifying as female or androgynous (neither or somewhere in between the two genders) though GQ's don't usually desire to modify their physical bodies, they can choose to express this through other means. Crossdressing being a common one, or following activities and hobbies typically aligned with the gender they so identify with. There's a lot of reading on the matter, what I just said is barely scratching the surface of it, but thats the best I could fit into a small post. It's related to gender identity, you're own sense of being a man or woman.

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Don't change your standards, that will just lead to unhappiness. I was single for 5 years because I was tired of dating losers. Not saying it will take you that long but I've found someone who is what I was looking for. It does get very lonely, but keep looking and don't settle. Maybe pick up a hobby that more women are interested in that you've always wanted to do, that's how I met my bf. Don't settle for less because you're lonely.

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Thanks --- never heard the term before.

 

Are you near a city or on a college campus? Because you might find more "like minded" or at least more mature people in the GLBT community.

 

thats the thing, I live on a uni campus, but I know I like girls almost exclusively. I have tried to go to my university's LGBT society, but that as very few girls interested in guys, so I don't tend to look for partners there. It's also surprisingly short of members anyway (probably because we have such a huge amount of LGBT friendly clubs nearby, they tend to get used for hangouts instead)

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Don't change your standards, that will just lead to unhappiness. I was single for 5 years because I was tired of dating losers. Not saying it will take you that long but I've found someone who is what I was looking for. It does get very lonely, but keep looking and don't settle. Maybe pick up a hobby that more women are interested in that you've always wanted to do, that's how I met my bf. Don't settle for less because you're lonely.

 

Im tempted to learn dance, but I have no idea where to start. Im thinking a few local classes and trying some waltz and stuff, then moving to something more modern like street

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Im tempted to learn dance, but I have no idea where to start. Im thinking a few local classes and trying some waltz and stuff, then moving to something more modern like street

 

that's what I was going to suggest--inquire at a professional dance company--Royal Ballet, English National Ballet. Look to see if they have classes at uni. Certainly, a google search of your area will turn up dance schools which also teach ballroom and/or modern dance. Women are always looking for a man to partner with in classes and for going out with other classmembers to dance clubs.

 

And no, I don't think your standards are too high. Stick to them.

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1. Most of the girls I seem to attract have whined to me about wanting to kill themselves. I have heard that from so many people its actually very hard for me to take it seriously anymore on just word alone.

 

2. The girls I seem to find have issues with being either very self centred or very confrontational, sometimes even telling me what I should be for them.

 

3. This probably shouldnt be as big a deal as it is, but I cant bring myself to date people who suffer depression, anxiety or other mental health conditions. I tried to in the past and found the depression rubbed off on me because I have a slight tendency towards anxiety disorder symptoms from my mother. I find I get dragged down and start assimilating their unhealthy traits into myself, so I try to avoid it as best as possible.

1. This is pretty serious, whether that person means it or not. We sometimes feel that we are at the end of our rope and that our life is over... the questions is, what do you plan to do about it? But if that person is talking about the idea frequently, she needs professional help. Too much drama to deal with.

2. Selfish is never a good thing to have in a relationship.

3. Understandable. Not many people can deal with those issues either. But what if a person has a mild cognitive disability (Learning Disability)?

 

Now, my goals have really changed after my last relationship and the aftermath (lets just say, it was incredibly messy) and I'm now on an even keel again, but Im playing for long term companionship now. I want to find:

 

1. Someone with motivation and career goals in mind that compliment us as a couple so we can both work and prosper from it.

 

2. Someone who'se pretty liberal in their levels of acceptance. I'm what some called genderqueer, and something that has put me off girls in the past is intolerance of the idea.

 

3. Someone who respects me enough to be honest.

Basically you are looking for someone who is mature, down to earth, and compatible with your views. So no, don't lower your standards. It just means you haven't found the right person yet. It takes some time to find that person, but she is out there in a place you least expect.

 

My golden rule in life: never sacrifice your values for somebody. It's who you are and they are what you live for.

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I think everyone has covered the stick to your standards, bit.

 

On the other hand... do you love yourself? If not, what are you doing about it?

 

We tend to attract what we are, so if you don't like what you are attracting, take a look at what you might want to change within yourself to attract what you do want. Sounds hokey, I know.

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I may need to elaborate. I dont see a cognitive disorder as a mental health disorder. I have dyspraxia, a learning disorder slightly less common than its related dyslexia, which effects my motorfunctions and learning speed, and it can make me easier to grow frustrated, but its not something I see as a major issue. Now if it's things like major depression and panic attacks, that Im not sure I can handle well. My own mother has anxiety issues a lot worse than mine ever have been and I cant handle it at all. Depression? dated, started making me as miserable as she was. I believe if I am to be the best I am, I need to be able to be happy in my most intimate relationships, if one has negative effects on me, it will impact all my others, and I have a duty to those who love me to be at my best for them.

 

 

 

As for the killing themselves thing, when its one off comment followed quickly with asking me for a relationship, I dont see how Im supposed to sympathize or feel the person is stable enough to date, but its hard to garner sympathy from me with that usually. (I have had this several times from girls in the last few years, it's almost a trend or something).

 

I dont think suicide isnt a serious issue mind, but I do find there are times when it's being used to get their way (and I have seen that a lot). A prime example: my last ex used suicide as a threat because I was mad at her for running off on me, unsurprisingly I ended contact and she didnt do anything except complain about me and go sulk somewhere else.

 

Now give me a genuinely down and out person and I'll do what I can, but attempting to use it for a sympathy date isnt getting much from me. I can be pretty stern like that, but I always say the same thing: it's you choice, but you do have (list reasons to live, talents, things they are good at etc) but it never sways me into dating. This is also coming from afformentioned selfish girls, I have met many, and dated some of them out of poor judgement skills.

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I think you should stay away from people who you feel the need to 'rescue" or be their counselor and you will find a lot of women who don't want to kill themselves.

 

Also, do not introduce yourself as your learning disorder. You will attract women who want to fix you as their project.

 

I think that if you are "genderqueer" - you are a man but you identify on the inside as being a woman? There will be women who perceive that as "confused" so you will attract women who are "confused" about themselves too. I think you need to figure out exactly what that means for you and what it means in the context of a relationship with a woman.

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I think everyone has covered the stick to your standards, bit.

 

On the other hand... do you love yourself? If not, what are you doing about it?

 

We tend to attract what we are, so if you don't like what you are attracting, take a look at what you might want to change within yourself to attract what you do want. Sounds hokey, I know.

 

 

Interesting analysis. Well, I do like myself for the most part, but I still have some slight confidence issues. Im not out to my family because I know my dad at least has very strict issues about what a man is (and has made some very unsavoury comments about certain types of men, if you catch my drift). So I keep that side of me to myself. Some friends know, though my brother is determined to pull me away from how i feel I am. I also fear presenting to some people I have known most of my life in fear of rejection and such but theres also the possibility I may have a chance to start my life over somewhere else soon, so it may not matter all that much.

 

I have got some trust issues, which is why respect and honesty are my highest level wants in a partner. I could never date someone who I know has treated a partner badly or has a bad history in those areas, Im just too cautious at this point to even try. Without being too graphic, I had issues in the more physical parts of my relationships my doctors believe was down to my lack of trust and ability to be calm around the other person and open up, so I am looking for someone different, someone whose desires and values match mine.

 

I dont have as many walls up as I had in the past, while I was still working out why I hated my body for years and never felt like a boy (frustration that I couldnt take) Im now comfortable in my own skin mostly. I still will have a bit of work before I can really let someone in 100% but that takes time in all relationships I guess

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So, if you were a potential partner... would you want to date you?

 

What would be your concerns, were you the person sitting on the other side of the table?

 

Just food for thought. You seem kind of uncertain in your posts, putting caveats before your answers. "Mostly" being a big one, which implies there are things you want/need to work on. That's perfectly OK!

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I think you should stay away from people who you feel the need to 'rescue" or be their counselor and you will find a lot of women who don't want to kill themselves.

 

Also, do not introduce yourself as your learning disorder. You will attract women who want to fix you as their project.

 

I think that if you are "genderqueer" - you are a man but you identify on the inside as being a woman? There will be women who perceive that as "confused" so you will attract women who are "confused" about themselves too. I think you need to figure out exactly what that means for you and what it means in the context of a relationship with a woman.

 

I rarely talk about my dyspraxia since I dont think its an issue, it barely effects my day to day life so I dont talk about it, wouldnt have done here either had the cognitive disorder question not come up haha And yeah, I dont want a damsel in distress. I'd rather be dating Samus than Peach if you understand the reference haha.

 

Also, with the gender thing, I identify as androgynous: both genders. Too me it just means I came male with a larger side order of feminine side than most guys. Everyone comes in all shapes, sizes and types afterall. The only reason I think its important in a relationship to be open about it is because some people would try to change me, or maybe blabber to others about it, when really its part of my private interal concepts, it's intimate to reveal it to people. I'd need a partner who can accept that for me to truly let them in. I have been confused with being gay for a while, not gonna lie

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So, if you were a potential partner... would you want to date you?

 

What would be your concerns, were you the person sitting on the other side of the table?

 

Just food for thought. You seem kind of uncertain in your posts, putting caveats before your answers. "Mostly" being a big one, which implies there are things you want/need to work on. That's perfectly OK!

 

 

I have never thought about it like that... 0_0 wow. I dont know, since Im not sure what another person prioritizes. I'd be concerned maybe about the gender thing, but thats just part of who I am.

 

Funny you say that, I can be reserved in my faith in my decisions since some have blown up in my face before, so I never give 100% without some kind of safety net. Sad maybe, but I exercise caution with others: I have had close friends, family and partners betray me before. I am concerned if I started presenting exactly as I wanted I could be ridiculed or shunned as so many are in my bracket of people.

 

I think I still dont 100% love me either, I fear I could become arrogant or overbearing.

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I have never thought about it like that... 0_0 wow. I dont know, since Im not sure what another person prioritizes. I'd be concerned maybe about the gender thing, but thats just part of who I am.

 

Funny you say that, I can be reserved in my faith in my decisions since some have blown up in my face before, so I never give 100% without some kind of safety net. Sad maybe, but I exercise caution with others: I have had close friends, family and partners betray me before. I am concerned if I started presenting exactly as I wanted I could be ridiculed or shunned as so many are in my bracket of people.

 

I think I still dont 100% love me either, I fear I could become arrogant or overbearing.

 

Don't blame future friends or lovers for the transgression of past friends or lovers. Hard lesson to learn and apply, but very worthwhile. Each person should earn a spot in your life on their own merits... don't fail to give them a chance just because someone else made a mistake. Learn from the past, but don't let it carry suitcases into the present.

 

That you fear becoming arrogant or overbearing means you are unlikely to do either...just don't go too far in the other direction trying to avoid it. Can't say you never will, but you sound like you're aware enough that it won't be your default. That's a good thing.

 

It's OK to want a safety net, but it is extremely unlikely that you will always have one. You just have to determine what risks are worth taking, and which ones aren't.

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Don't blame future friends or lovers for the transgression of past friends or lovers. Hard lesson to learn and apply, but very worthwhile. Each person should earn a spot in your life on their own merits... don't fail to give them a chance just because someone else made a mistake. Learn from the past, but don't let it carry suitcases into the present.

 

That you fear becoming arrogant or overbearing means you are unlikely to do either...just don't go too far in the other direction trying to avoid it. Can't say you never will, but you sound like you're aware enough that it won't be your default. That's a good thing.

 

It's OK to want a safety net, but it is extremely unlikely that you will always have one. You just have to determine what risks are worth taking, and which ones aren't.

 

I think I need to do some more inner searching to work on those areas. I'm naturally not wonderful with letting go of pain but I will have to learn

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