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I feel confused over a supposed player... :(


Cornflakesgirl

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To me I've been a single girl for almost 2 years since my last breakup. Before I've been 7 years in a relationship, and in the last months I was meeting a guy, which resulted in not going anywhere. So lately I started doing something I never did before: dating and flirting around, with quite a good unexpected success. I'm a curveous girl, there lies a lot of a low selfesteem of mine (but I can fake having a high one...). But I tend to think "guys will be more interested and the good looking girl than me". I'm not looking into onenightstands, and not thinking of longterm relationships, since that mindset didn't take me anywhere in the past... I just take things as they come.

 

To the guy On a party I met this guy, friend of a co-worker friend of mine. We were flirting and we kissed. My friend told me: he is good looking, therefore he's sometimes a flirting monster, he also is an actor and singer, so he's a nice guy, but be a bit cautious nonetheless.

One week later this guy added me on FB and we chatted just very shortly 1 or 2 times, nothing big.

 

To what started to happen

Day 1: After 2 weeks, last thursday he contacted me out of the blue, to meet him to go to the movies. I was full of questions: doesn't he remember me as the chubby girl? does he only want to have sex? why all of sudden calling me if he could have whatever other girl? I told him I was too busy. He insisted: then we can meet up for a drink? I declined again. After he insisted on "just a walk, to take some air", I agreed, and we met. We updated us on recalling our names, what we do, talking about our interestes etc... he soon started to touch my hair, my back... and after almost an hour, we kissed. We like, kissed a lot. He walked me home (it seemed we live quite nearby) and was supersweet. He also told me that he feels very attracted to me. He asked me I we would go tomorrow to the movies and I was like "we'll see, bye".

 

Day 2 the next day he just wrote "I have no time for the sessions in the cinema, but we could meet up for a walk again". I agreed, we met and after a while he proposed to go to his place, to meet up with his friends and flatmates. I thought it was a lie, but actually, there they were: we talked, played games, he took his guitar and started singing... I felt a bit strange, I felt out of my territory with his friends there, but the atmosphere was nice. Then again, if he just wanted to have sex, why pass through all the "getting to know his friends"? Strange technique... Afterwards we ended in his room.. and on his bed. We made out but I told him, I didn't wanted to have sex with him. He begged me to stay the night, just sleeping. Which I agreed to... and we even just slept, though at some point we woke up and kissed, and he tried to do more but was actually supersweet, caring and not egoistic at all, which is unusual in my short experience). Again, we didn't have sex though, but he made it clear that he's very attracted to me (here again.. he's really not able to find someone cuter? xD). During the night he was clinging to me, caressing, kissing me, supersweet. Even the next morning, when I was preparing to leave, he asked me to let him put his head on my legs and asked me to caress him... He asked me for my plans on the weekend and I told him that saturday I would be out, he too, so we wouldn't be able to meet. Then I left.

 

Day 3: saturday... he tells me that he's acting on sunday, if I wanted to see him. I write "I don't want to go alone, maybe if I find someone", to which he replies "yeah, sure!". Then I write "if I can't make it, maybe we can meet afterwards". His reply was upsetting "no, I'm meeting with those of the group I won't make it".

 

Day 4 sunday... I just reply to his last message "Ok! and good luck!"... he just answers with "thank you and... that's all. I saw him online yesterday and today, and he didn't write anything at all.

 

Honestly, I started very conscious of the idea of him, that he's a player, and to not get attached at all. And trust me, I'm used somehow to players. But this guy gave some signals that didn't apply to the typical player.

 

My problem now: I'm HOPING for him to write to me. I don't expect anything. I'm not even really looking forward to nothing, and I try to think of it as something that was nice, where he even gave me a higher selfesteem and fullstop.

 

But he was really exceptionally nice and caring, saying that I owe him a massage, a movie etc... Am I too impatient? Can I even look forward to expect anything out of this guy? Why doing this kind of "theater" if he just wanted to have sex (like even presenting me his friends), or hang up with a not-so-attractive girl like me if he as an actor could have anyone else?

 

 

I really wanted him, that thursday not to contact me anymore, and now that he did and showed me that side, I'm feeling confused, why he won't contact me to meet again.

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After you slept over at his place and refused sex, he was doubting if you were really into him or if it were just your boundaries.

So he invited you to come visit him on Sunday whilst he was acting. Which you also declined. To him it seems like you are friendzoning him.

 

So he declined hanging out with you 'as friends' and will not message you anymore. Especially not because he already messaged you last.

Your letting him slip away. But that's ok, a lot of females are too passive.

 

The 'be carefull and don't sleep with im approach' doesn't really do anything but make stuff less fun. If you and him like each other, why NOT have sex if it's safe and within your personal values.

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Even for a player there possible options to have a relationship. You have to spend more time with him to figure out. But you have declined him two times and this is not a good sign for a starting something.

 

And on the other hand I see that you have issues with your self esteem. And this will put you heart-broken with this kind of guy even if he is a player or not.

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Take a step back and just see where things go. If he goes cold try one more message. If he still blows you off he lost interest. People lose interest for all kinds of reasons. We can only speculate as to why. As far as him being a player. Who knows. The best ones don't appear like players at all. And when a man has an attraction take it at face value. Don't reject yourself. There will be lots of times we face real rejection, so STOP IT

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I don't think he's a player. I do think you sent mixed messages, playing hard to get but then sleeping over the second time you met up. I think if you want to date him maybe call him and ask him out on a date you plan - if he's not available he'll enthusiastically try to reschedule and if he doesn't you'll have your answer.

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Honestly - in his shoes, I would've gotten the impression of lukewarm interest from you at best, friendzoning at worst.

 

Yes, you kissed - but your acceptance to see him was way less than enthusiastic. It seems at every turn you're expecting a guy to only want one thing, so your caution appears as lack of enthusiasm and interest. Put yourself in his shoes, with you asking a guy out. And see what impression you'd get, reading your own story. Not once did you accept an invitation from him without first refusing, stalling, or questioning.

 

I would've messaged him after the acting gig (audition? small part?) to at least show you're interested in his life and ask how it went. I actually give kudos to any guy or girl who doesn't drop plans with mates for a dating prospect - shows loyalty and good friendship ethics IMO.

 

IMHO, your self esteem issues are getting in between you and what sounds like it could be/have been an interesting BF prospect. Try and list your good qualities, instead of assuming all guys want model thin chicks to hang on their arm like an ornament. Most guys I've known have actually preferred at least a little meat and curvature over skinny, and are pretty adamant about a good personality being part of the package.

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Hi and thanks everyone for you input and comments: they are very welcome and a different insight, since all of my friends which know of this tell me to "play hard to get".

 

I must add some more details to the night I passed at his place: I refused the sex, yes, but finally I agreed to certain other things. Without being to explicit, it came to the point where he took his hand away telling me "if you're not enjoying, I don't want to enjoy alone, it's not fair, and I want to make you feel good too".

 

Plus, when I went away, I replied "in fact I owe you something". Since that night, I showed interest: I told him to see us again, I told him I owed him the massage, and I told him to see us after his play (then he refused, without giving an alternative day on meeting).

 

So it's actually not as if I refused him... in my opinion.

 

 

Now I'm afraid he will refuse me if I tell him to meet up. I even thought of telling him "so when can I make up for the massage?", but everyone in my circle tells me not to, since he will not contact me again.

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You are not playing hard to get. You hooked up with a near stranger and then you use sexual flirtation (the old "I owe you a massage") to trigger his interest. You're giving him the impression that you want to hook up again ASAP. My suggestion was to ask him out on a proper date.

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Well, it seemed to me that he was the first one he seemed to wanting just to hook up, since a. kissing me in the disco, b. kissing me so mucho again on the first "date", c. inviting me to his house...

 

I was just agreeing or accepting it in my terms (I was the only one putting always the limits). I don't mind also the hook up ATM, but I don't want him to go all mute and not looking out for me after these quite intense days. Don't know if you get my point. xD

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Well, it seemed to me that he was the first one he seemed to wanting just to hook up, since a. kissing me in the disco, b. kissing me so mucho again on the first "date", c. inviting me to his house...

 

I was just agreeing or accepting it in my terms (I was the only one putting always the limits). I don't mind also the hook up ATM, but I don't want him to go all mute and not looking out for me after these quite intense days. Don't know if you get my point. xD

 

It doesn't matter who initiated -takes two to tango and, anyway, you're initiating the "I owe you a massage". After physically intense encounters it's not unusual at all to not have further contact- if he simply enjoyed hooking up but would rather not hook up again -he's not a player, he's simply deciding not to continue hooking up with you.

Figure out what you want from this person and make your intentions simple, direct and clear.

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It's always important that YOU tell the guy what you want too... If you want a real date, then say "i like to get to know you more thru a date." Not just someone to take a stroll with or bring home. Also a movie is not a real date

 

Usually if a guy is serious about you not just for a bootycall, he will make the time and effort to take you on a date.

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Kissing takes two and he was only doing what guys do - test where your boundaries are. Anyway, making out in a club with a near stranger is not a boundary, it's an invitation...imho....

 

Basically, you came accross as a game playing flake. One minute you are making out with him, another you are playing hard to get and refusing his invitations to go out, then you are making out again, then refusing to see him, then you end up in his bed, then you are willing to service him, but refuse to have mutually satisfying sex, then you refuse to go see him at his play (kind of rude of you actually)....well....I wouldn't be surprised that he lost interest after that ride. You are coming accross as someone who doesn't know whether she is coming or going and certainly not a girl with boundaries or even the slightest clue of what she wants.

 

In the future, maybe work on your self esteem. Just because a guy is attractive, doesn't mean he is limited to only dating a 2x4 stick with sharp bones sticking out...ok? Stop sabotaging yourself.

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About me being rude: the invitation came accross a general invite on FB. On private he told me "take a look at the invitation", that for me it would cost a bit less etc... I told him I didn't wanted to be alone, go alone and go back alone. If he was to see me afterwards, and he told me no.. that's why I refused. Not because being rude, but because I didn't wanted to actually be alone..

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About me being rude: the invitation came accross a general invite on FB. On private he told me "take a look at the invitation", that for me it would cost a bit less etc... I told him I didn't wanted to be alone, go alone and go back alone. If he was to see me afterwards, and he told me no.. that's why I refused. Not because being rude, but because I didn't wanted to actually be alone..

 

I think it would help you a lot more if you stopped getting lost in the details and saw the big picture. The big picture was basically what DancingFool wrote (and I think what I wrote too). If you keep focusing on these types of details and pointing the finger at your supposed "player" you're going to get in your own way, including in the future.

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About me being rude: the invitation came accross a general invite on FB. On private he told me "take a look at the invitation", that for me it would cost a bit less etc... I told him I didn't wanted to be alone, go alone and go back alone. If he was to see me afterwards, and he told me no.. that's why I refused. Not because being rude, but because I didn't wanted to actually be alone..

 

Yea you both are playing games. Stopped the ride now or you'll end up hurt because one of you are going to end up as the loser.

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Whatever you do, do not sleep with him if you see him again! Your attitude could make or break this, and having sex with him at this point would definitely break it. You can show him you like him in many other ways, that don't involve a bed. In fact, steer clear of any place that could lead to you two getting physical.

 

I don't think you came accross as lukewarm at all, to me it sounds as if he was indeed hoping for sex and when you didn't go all the way, he became colder. And that only means one thing: if you have sex with him next time you see him, he will disappear on you after he gets his satisfaction.

 

Don't put yourself down just because you are on the curvier side. Many men like bigger women, and lots of bigger women are beautiful and sexy. You have the same chances of meeting an attractive man as a skinny woman does, so chin up and don't sell yourself short only because you *think* you're not all that hot. Obviously to him (and many others) you are.

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In fact this week I won't be able to perform... xD which saves me and will be a great excuse to do whatever else.

 

he asked me just earlier what I'm up to. I will answer later that I was working out, and that he can let me know if he wants to go watching a movie or visit an art gallery this week.

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I feel a bit angry like, he's obviously not interested, everybody finds time if they really really want... though it's true that he's touring around the city with his gag... so I don't really know what to think.

I guess i will wait for thursday and tell him then "so, don't want to hang out with me? ". Or directly wait for next week to tell him "it's a pity I didn't hear from you, I wanted to hang out with you".

 

At least I'm honest... do you think it's ok?

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I guess i will wait for thursday and tell him then "so, don't want to hang out with me? ". Or directly wait for next week to tell him "it's a pity I didn't hear from you, I wanted to hang out with you".

At least I'm honest... do you think it's ok?

 

I think you should wait. He said he'll let you know so, the ball is in his court.

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I feel a bit angry like, he's obviously not interested, everybody finds time if they really really want... though it's true that he's touring around the city with his gag... so I don't really know what to think.

I guess i will wait for thursday and tell him then "so, don't want to hang out with me? ". Or directly wait for next week to tell him "it's a pity I didn't hear from you, I wanted to hang out with you"

 

At least I'm honest... do you think it's ok?

 

No, no, don't send anything of the sort. This type of passive-aggressive messages usually make guys run away, they are a huge turn off and never have the outcome you're looking for. Best case scenario he will think "wow she's crazy about me" and automatically put you in the "possibly easy lay" category. Worst case scenario he will perceive you as potentially clingy and will never hang out with you again.

 

Let him come to you. And as I said before, if and when he does, don't give him the sex he's after. This is the only way you can give yourself a chance with this guy. If you give in and have sex, he'll be a goner in no time.

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