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Giving up on online dating. Seems to have gotten worse over the years.


deejay74

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I've been doing online dating on and off since 2010. This is my 3rd attempt at online dating during this time.

 

Up until now, I have had much better success with online dating. I've met my most recent ex and the one before that on OKC and link removed respectively. This time around, I have had several people review my profile. I've gotten some good suggestions for tweaking my profile content and have received positive feedback on the pics I've used. I've had females and males review my profile. Now, I have my profile the way I want it and so far everyone says it's good. The 2nd time I was online, I only had 1 female review my profile. The first time, no one reviewed my profile.

 

Also, this time around, I've tried 2 dating apps: Tinder and Hinge.

 

I have had ZERO success with Tinder and Hinge and I've only been out on 1 date from OKC. Nothing from Match. I've probably messaged about over 50 women. I try to read profiles, ask a question or 2 from what I've read, and I try to keep the messages light and funny when I can. Also, I am having a harder time finding women that interest me. So, I know 50 isn't that much in the big picture but part of me getting discouraged is not finding women that I would even want to message.

 

I know I am not the best looking, but I don't think I am ugly, however, I am beginning to feel very unattractive because of the lack of responses.

 

So, back to the title of this thread: For those that have been doing online dating for a few years, does your experience coincide with mine? I was able to get more responses the first 2 times I was on and went out on several dates. Now, I can't even seem to get a response. Tinder and Hinge make me feel like I am some repulsive creature.

 

I feel like I am ready to date but I am going to give this 1 more week and then I'm disabling my profile and waiting until the weather gets warmer to get back on.

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Deejay...You're all over the map. One day you're not ready to date and you're taking a hiatus, then you're giving up on love entirely, then you're saying you're good to go. lol.

 

I have no idea what Hinge is, but I have seen Tinder and it's just a rate me app, isn't it? Or something like that?

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Deejay...You're all over the map. One day you're not ready to date and you're taking a hiatus, then you're giving up on love entirely, then you're saying you're good to go. lol.

 

I have no idea what Hinge is, but I have seen Tinder and it's just a rate me app, isn't it? Or something like that?

 

I get that. And honestly, the frustration with online dating is probably a sign that I shouldn't be dating at all. However, at the same time, I don't understand why I am having worse luck than before, and this time around, I've had several people review my profile.

 

Tinder is a very minimal dating app where you basically swipe through profile/pics on whether you like them or not and if there's a mutual match, it will alert you both.

 

Hinge uses your Facebook profile and give a little more info. I think it looks at your connected friends' profiles and sees who's using Hinge and lets you know who they're friends with. It also uses a similar method of swiping but it also tells you how many time your profile has been viewed.

 

Regarding being all over the map (and I don't want to get off topic): I've made the most progress in moving on in the past couple of weeks than I have between the BU and 2 weeks ago. I can't explain it but I feel a lot better and over the weekend, I gave it a lot of thought and felt I am ready to date again. But, again, with the lack of success with online dating, I think that overall, I should wait a little longer. The frustration isn't helping things.

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Are you shooting above your league? I think a key issue I see with both genders is this: they keep getting rejected, while holding onto standards and requirements that are not realistic for them.

 

I don't believe in "leagues". Could you elaborate on what you mean could be "above my league"?

 

Like I said, I'm not super good looking, a bit above average at best and I've dated very attractive women. My last ex is an example.

 

To be clear, I message women ranging from average to very attractive.

 

But again, this time around I seem to be having less success and I've had my profile reviewed several times.

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I used to hold a lot of stock in online dating, because I met my ex of 5 years on Match. She made the first move and messaged me, and to me, she was super attractive. I mean, when we were together, she had guys checking her out all the time. Though quite a number of people (including a few on here who have seen my ex) have said I was above her league, but I'd say we were about even.

 

Point is...online dating CAN work, and you CAN find your "even league" partner on it. That's why I've tried it again after my breakup. However...I do think it's changed a lot even in the past 5/6 years when I first started doing it right after college. It's sort of a "fantasy" world, and I think everyone has higher expecations on here, but women even moreso. And it's gotten worse, and I'm not the only person that thinks this...even people who bring up the topic without me saying anything have said online dating (especially in NYC/large cities) is more cutthroat than ever.

 

You have to remember...online dating is a woman's world. It is highly, highly skewed in their favor. I don't care how many "creepers" or "sexual advances" they get in their inbox that they have to sift through...it's much easier for them. You really have to be a superstar/runway model as a man to have an easy time of online dating. For the rest of us, you have to have a thick skin and a lot of patience/endurance in order to find your "even level" partner on it. I've landed many dates with very attractive women on there, and a good number of them have made the move on me (and I've rejected a few)...so it DOES work...it just takes A LOT of time and patience until you find the one that sticks.

 

For me personally, right now, it just ain't worth it. There are a good number of reasons why, but I've removed myself from it. Not only am I fed up with it at the moment, I have some more important matters to attent to. Actively chasing women and battling their online egos and overflowing inboxes are just no longer on my radar.

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Because I'm 46 and I'm getting tons of messages...and I'm not a top model..lol. Are you sure you're not doing something wrong?

 

Of course you're getting tons of messages, you're a female on a dating site. lol. You are aware that dating sites are drastically skewed in favor of females? This has been talked about on here A LOT.

 

I could be doing something wrong, what that is, I don't know.

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I get that. And honestly, the frustration with online dating is probably a sign that I shouldn't be dating at all. However, at the same time, I don't understand why I am having worse luck than before, and this time around, I've had several people review my profile.

 

When you're closer to healing you won't be fixated on your rejection rate, you'll more likely be noticing the positives, that's to say the women that ARE accepting you and ARE into you.

 

Also online dating is very superficial more so on Tinder, I have friends that get more matches than me on Tinder (hell I removed it because I got like 0, and in person I can pull left and right around a 75% success rate where as they have a 25%).

 

And even if you do get matches most conversations on Tinder or anything SIMILAIR will get you NOWHERE and NOWHERE fast you have to be very skilled (the only date I know of out of all my friends with 20+ matches each was a date I setup because I was doing the texting for my friend).

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Do you know which ones are popular in your city? And which are most popular with your target age group.

 

Where I live: Eharmony seems to skew older, 40 and up. OKcupid and POF are all over the map, early 20s to late 30s. And Match seems to be popular for late 20s and early 40s.

 

Though I'd say most successful relationship ages are narrower: EHarmony, 38-44; OKCupid 24-27; POF, 26-32; and Match, 28-36.

 

Also, it's important to target within your league, between +1 and -1 points of your attractiveness. Some guys shoot for the stars, only messaging the top 20% of the hottest girls, excluding the majority. Also, so many men view the profile of a woman they think is hot, pick out one thing to comment on, and think they're a match -- but don't actually take in consideration her profile and what she stated she is looking for. Both reasons factor into why guys can get ignored.

 

Edited to say: Just saw your age is 39. It doesn't matter if you look younger, online people stick to within a few years of their age. If you're messaging 25 year olds, the majority will ignore you even if they would give you a chance if you met in a bar.

 

You might have a better shot if you go to a site that skews older. In 2010 you were 35 or 36. In 2014 you are 39. Makes a big difference in terms of which sites you use and the ages of women you message.

 

When I was online dating, I was 26 and I completely dismissed guys who were older than 32. Actually it took a while until I considered anyone over 30. That's just how it is.

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Of course you're getting tons of messages, you're a female on a dating site. lol. You are aware that dating sites are drastically skewed in favor of females? This has been talked about on here A LOT.

 

I could be doing something wrong, what that is, I don't know.

 

I know it's been talked but, on the same site, there is a friend of mine, also female, a bit younger, about the same in the looks department and gets much less messages. I tell her it's because of what she's written on her profile (too many dont's, too many restrictions -age, job, looks, education -, comes accross as someone who is really strict..plus, she only messages (or replies to) very handsome men.

Are you sure you're not doing any of those things?

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Ok, I am glad I am not the only one who thinks it's gotten worse. Regarding "leagues" - one could argue, looks wise, my ex was "out of my league". She is gorgeous and I don't think there was anyone who thought otherwise. She obviously saw something in me and my profile to give me a chance. But again, like we're both saying, it has gotten worse.

 

Regarding your last paragraph: I'm in the same boat as you.

 

 

 

 

Yeah, I agree with your first sentence. I'm guessing I'm about 95% healed, but I think need to get to 100%.

 

Tinder, in my experience, is the worst dating app ever. I had it for a month and was swiping like crazy for a few weeks and got nothing.

 

 

 

It seems that OKC, Match and POF are most popular. I hated POF because of the quality of people on there and eHarmony is a rip off.

 

I've had the greatest success with OKC and secondly with Match.

 

Again, I don't believe in "leagues". I message women who I find attractive and who I find interesting or if I think we'd be compatible.

 

I consider what the woman is looking for. If they top out their age preference at 35, I usually don't message. However, I have in the past and I was able to get responses and a couple of dates. This was prior to my current experience. Also, since I am a white/asian mix, if they specify they're only looking for white guys to date, I'll message them anyway. That's one thing I don't really like about link removed - is the racial preference. But I get it and why that's an option. Being mixed race adds a layer of complexity in deciding who to message if they specify one race and I am one of them.

 

 

 

No, I am not. Like I said, I've had my current profile reviewed by several people both male and female.

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So, back to the title of this thread: For those that have been doing online dating for a few years, does your experience coincide with mine? I was able to get more responses the first 2 times I was on and went out on several dates. Now, I can't even seem to get a response. Tinder and Hinge make me feel like I am some repulsive creature.

 

I've had similar droughts. Times when I can't seem to do or say anything right. Weeks where my my inbox just stays empty. I just shrug it off. There's going to be peaks and valleys. I get discouraged but I never feel like a repulsive creature. I just feel there's currently no women who are interested in me. Conversely sometimes I see no women I'm interested in. I just delete or hide my profile and get on with the rest of my life. It always, always gets better !!!!! Hang in there. It's just a dry spell. Nothing more, nothing less.

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I've had similar droughts. Times when I can't seem to do or say anything right. Weeks where my my inbox just stays empty. I just shrug it off. There's going to be peaks and valleys. I get discouraged but I never feel like a repulsive creature. I just feel there's currently no women who are interested in me. Conversely sometimes I see no women I'm interested in. I just delete or hide my profile and get on with the rest of my life. It always, always gets better !!!!! Hang in there. It's just a dry spell. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

Thanks for your encouraging post.

 

I got back to online dating in October. Definitely way too soon after my BU. I didn't really start using it until about 2 months ago. I went out with a girl on 2 dates in early January. I realized I wasn't ready so I held off but still looked and casually emailed women here and there. It wasn't until last weekend and this weekend where I turned up the messaging. Still nothing.

 

I must be in a valley.

 

I think I will disable my profile for now. I also wonder if this brutal winter we're having has any effect on dating.

 

Anyway, I appreciate you sharing your experience. It gives me some hope.

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I don't think it's anyting your doing Deejay. I do think inboxes go thru dry spells, and I have a pictureless profile- my inbox went thru a dry spell once and it lasted about 2 days. I think it's safe to say my profile is a lighthouse for all the men who are struggling to swin ashore, swimming endlessly and drowining in okc misery. And most times, I still kick them off my shores or ignore their cries for help.

 

I quit online dating for now too.... I think it's too cutt throat for me. 5 dates in one month (these were the ones that wanted a serious relationship out of about 40 guys ive chatted with) and the dates were a-o-k.... I think it's obvious I am not ready to date and no luck on my side, I rather just do my own thing for now and join meetups.

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Oh yes there are leagues.

 

A friend of mine - 35 year old female, average looking girl. She insists on dating men her own age, never married, very successful. She is shooting out of her league - a 35 year old man who has his act together have way more options then her. She is c listed, if not b listed,

 

As the op is a man, I wonder, are you spending all your time crafting emails to attractive women in their early to mid 20's. Attractive women who are young gets hundreds of emails a day. Unless you are very successful and attractive, I doubt she will open your message. The email after you may very well be from a successful doc or lawyer - consider that.

 

If you keep getting rejected, you have to consider adjusting your audience. Knowing your audience is the 1st step to successful dating.

 

Maybe you have had an modelish girl friend in the past - what has been the result? She left you,no? So considering placing less weight on exteriors and more weight on compatibility.

 

Finally, the saddest thing on this forum is people who refuse to change. They get rejected over and over again, but they refuse to adjust their target audience and approach. Don't become that person.

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I hear what you are saying but I still don't believe in leagues. If you subscribe to that philosophy, then you're being kind of negative and putting yourself down. Aim high is what I say. I've seen many unattractive males with beautiful females and vice versa. And besides, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

 

My age range that I pick is between 28 - 43. Any younger and I don't think we'd connect. I've dated as young as 10 years younger than me and age wasn't an issue. You are as old as you feel, IMO. And I am young at heart, not to say I am immature. Also, because I look young IRL, I seem to attract younger women offline anyway because they think I am their age. Because I am forced to list my age (and I won't lie about it) online, I am sure it is a deal breaker for some younger women. Again, that's why I look at what they're looking for so we don't waste each other's time.

 

You ask a loaded question regarding my last ex. She's not the only really attractive woman I dated and the reasons why it didn't work out falls on both of us. We both had baggage and issues that contributed to the demise, you can look up my old posts for the back story. We were compatible on many levels but that relationship was toxic, for both of us. Looks aren't everything, I know, however there has to be some physical attraction otherwise it just won't work for me. The point I was making in bringing up looks was that I have had success in the past in attracting pretty females online but I'm not having success with pretty much any women, except the 1 person I went out with last month, and I thought she was fairly cute.

 

Btw, I consider myself successful but I don't want a woman who bases her judgement on how much money I make (and I make a good living for this area). That's why I don't post my salary online even if it's an option. I want a woman who will be attracted to me because of my character AND because she thinks I am cute/attractive.

 

I have actually opened up more this time around. I have messaged women who I consider average to hot. Perhaps it's timing. Perhaps I haven't messaged enough women. Perhaps it's something else. All I know is that I have put more effort into crafting a good profile, using decent pics, and getting feedback regarding my profile but I am having less success than before where I didn't put much effort into my profile at all. So, I would like to think that I have changed things up a bit.

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I think you could just be going through a dry spell, as another poster said. Could just be bad luck. Try meetup groups and other places you could meet women naturally. Ask the wives/gfs of your friends if they know any great single women for you. I think tinder is more of a hookup site so I'm not surprised you didn't have good luck there. Hang in there.

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I have actually opened up more this time around. I have messaged women who I consider average to hot. Perhaps it's timing. Perhaps I haven't messaged enough women. Perhaps it's something else. All I know is that I have put more effort into crafting a good profile, using decent pics, and getting feedback regarding my profile but I am having less success than before where I didn't put much effort into my profile at all. So, I would like to think that I have changed things up a bit.

 

Yeah but how long have you been up and running in the third attempt? If you find this dry spell absolutely discouraging then I guess taking a break is fine. I think that people tend to relate past experiences in online dating to current experiences, but it DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY. The past can't be use to evaluate the present or predict the future when it comes to meeting a suitable mate (online or offline), hot or not, decent or not, good relationship or not. Sure, you may have found somebody online that was "all that" back then; it doesn't mean you ever will again. It doesn't mean you won't either. Same thing goes if you met someone through a friend, or at a bar. Life goes on and experiences don't have to repeat themselves. So I would take it with a grain of salt and see what may come.

 

I used to be depressed about this, now I just drink alone and don't think about it. Works pretty well =)

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I think you could just be going through a dry spell, as another poster said. Could just be bad luck. Try meetup groups and other places you could meet women naturally. Ask the wives/gfs of your friends if they know any great single women for you. I think tinder is more of a hookup site so I'm not surprised you didn't have good luck there. Hang in there.

 

Thanks, Annie24. I hope it is just a dry spell or bad luck. That being said, I still think I'm going to take a break. This brutal cold we're having this winter is affecting me in some way, so I am guessing it may be affecting others as well.

 

I'm a member of a few meetup groups. I really only go to 1, and that's because they meet very close to me. It's not conducive to meeting singles but the other ones are. I just need to put more effort into the other meetups.

 

As for asking my friends and their SOs/Wives, they all say the same thing: They don't know anyone that's single and/or they don't have any female friends. The other response I get is they both don't go out and they don't know anyone. Trust me, I've asked. lol.

 

Yeah, I gave up on Tinder.

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I love your responses! They always make me chuckle. Thanks. All of what you say is very true.

 

Yeah, I guess I should've put "for now" in the title of the thread. I don't think I will give up entirely, I just think I'll take a break from online dating, and even dating in general, for now.

 

Others have pointed out I am "all over the place" and there may be some truth to that. So, what I think I am going to do is to refocus all the attention inward, and continue to work on myself, and when the weather gets nicer, I may go back on.

 

Haha, drinking alone. I do that too.

 

Btw, I sent you a PM with a link to my OKC profile. I hope you can see the pics now. Even though I'm about to disable the accounts for now, I still would like your input. Thanks for your help previously too.

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