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2 months post break up and finally a week of no contact. My feelings of hope are finally starting to fade. The break up was somewhat mutual but he initiated it. And being together for 8 years, it's just hard to say goodbye even though it was something we both wanted.

 

But since official NC I'm having a real hard time. Mostly overwhelmed with feelings of guilt. What I could have done to be a better girlfriend. what I could of said or done to save the relationship. How selfish I was , how I made the same mistakes over and over.

 

I just feel I was a big jerk. that he didn't deserve me and I feel so bad that I hurt him and our final conversation was a fight where we called each other names and blamed each other for the break-up and failed relationship.

 

I just feel like a jerk in general I wish I never dated him, I wish we never met.

 

I need to send him a letter eventually, I want to take the blame for everything. I really love him and I really want him to move on and be happy and I never want him to have a doubt in his mind about me. I want to tell him I'm a jerk who was no good for him and our relationship would have failed. and it was all my fault. I want to wait though I know its way too soon. To move on myself I need to take responsibility for this… how long should I wait?

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write letters all you want coming weeks.. just dont send them..

 

however after so many years not having any contact would be weird unless you really dont want anything to do with him

 

my advice write letters, take notes on your phone when something pops in your head.. and wait. wait at least 4 weeks before sending ANYTHING.

 

 

you can read back all the things you wanted to say in the first week and the second.. you will notice how some things will become less important and the more distance you put between the fresh break up and the actual letter sending the more you will get in touch what it is that really mattered for you and in your realtionship and how it ended. you and your mind are messy now (undertandably so).

 

just do your thing. write down whatever comes to you.. store it .. re read it at some point and in a few weeks time you will be able write something that will resemble what it is you really want to express. it can be a quite rewarding experience and therapeutic. and i know he will appreciate it too, at least i would . no matter how things ended.

 

thats just my take on it, im not a die hard NC promotor. some will say never send anything.

 

ps

 

any relationship consists of 2 people. you might feel its all your fault but i can assure you whatever happened thats not the case. you will start to see it later on, and therefore, wait with sending anythign

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Just know it is natural and TEMPORARY, I went through a phase of feeling extremely guilty. Now I am able to see things more clearly. What helped me is writing a letter, where I apologised for everything, even little things, really poured my heart out. I thought I would send it tomorrow. I never sent it in the end. I suggest you do the same. Just write down everything you feel guilty for, cry and write, it is therapeutic. Just don't send it, if you still want to send it after several weeks then do.

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I will wait a month and take notes, thats a great idea.

 

The reason in my case I think we need NC is because there was no way I could get over him without it. I just kept thinking…we will make up and everything will get better. I just kept hoping to get back together and he was sending me mixed signals, breadcrumbs, false hopes.

 

whats your opinion on the NC in this case?

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if youre sure nothing will come of you 2 ever again.. maybe NC is the right thing to do. Or at least dont initiate contact. See if he contacts you. Sounds like a game but it isnt.

 

You can make it clear to him, that at this point you would rather get back together and if he doenst want that he shouldnt be contacting you as well.

 

i think no good has ever come from NC. which ever way you turn it, you have been together for a long time and just freezing someone out is just a weakness IMO.

 

Make it clear what it is what you want or dont want in any future contact and let it be. In a couple of months with enough space and time the 2 of you can sit down if youre still both up for it by then.

 

for now be strong, face your feelings. remember the good times and the bad times. try giving it a place in your mind and heart. what ever happens you need to do that before you either get over him and what you once had or be ready to try again.

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I will wait a month and take notes, thats a great idea.

 

The reason in my case I think we need NC is because there was no way I could get over him without it. I just kept thinking…we will make up and everything will get better. I just kept hoping to get back together and he was sending me mixed signals, breadcrumbs, false hopes.

 

whats your opinion on the NC in this case?

 

definitely go NC. You'll get some clarity. You are not thinking rationally right now. It is likely you will regret communicating with him later. Plus why do you think it is all your fault?

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Thank you jemoeder. I will be taking your advice, I'm not going to contact but if he contacts me I will apologize and be very clear with what I want.

 

This is why I feel it my fault and what I want to write him …

 

It was all my fault all of it. I was never good enough for you, it was never going to work because I was so paranoid. You knew you loved me right away from the start, I wish I could just have believed you and gone with it and not worried about presents or plans or when you did this or that and why you didn't make reservations or think things through to make things special. It was never enough, I constantly wanted more. You gave me as much as you could, you even changed a lot for me.

 

But I am such a picky person, a perfectionist, I'm never satisfied , I constantly strive for more and more and when I get something, I want even more- I'm not an easy person to deal with.

 

I basically would start small fights about things, I wasn't mature enough. When I became mature enough these old habits kept re-surfacing. It pushed him away and I made him feel guilty about wanting the break up, blaming it on him. I'd like to take blame for it. I wasn't an awful girlfriend but whatever he did for was never enough

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didn't want to open a new thread… waves of feeling okay and missing him after NC was initiated.

 

My question is… what if I'm the kind of person who can never get over this type of thing??? what If I can never move on???

I am so extremely loyal and when I am committed to something /someone I don't give up and I never lose hope.

 

I just don't see how I can ever love anyone else. I just can't see it… he is my first love, I made a promise that I would love him forever, I am a woman of my word.

 

MY mom, uncle and grandfather all lost they're first loves and NEVER GOT OVER IT , what if this runs in the family… is this going to be me

 

After 30 years my uncle named his child after his first love

my mom says she looks forward to the after life to be with her first love

 

is this gonna be me????

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No one is "forced" to marry. They settled because they didn't want to be alone.

And they never found someone like their first....because they never did the "homework" after their first break up....so they put that relationship on a

pedestal.

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Well, since there are more of us than your family ---- we might be right!

 

If you do your "homework" after the break up --- you come to new understanding of yourself and your relationship.

And when that happens --- you attract the best possible person.

 

If you do nothing --- you will likely repeat the same pattern, with a worse example --- because it is comfortable.

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I see that his personality had changed- I am a very nice and easy going person, who gets along with everyone at the end my EX was a bitter person who fought with everyone. I will be looking for those features in my next partner. but what else. I'm sure there is more to it

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