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Am I being a jerk or is she being difficult?


Joram

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Hi all,

I have been dating this girl for 6 months and we are madly in love. We talk a lot about the future and I have been very clear that I intend to marry her.

 

Thing is, we fight quite a bit. Our last two fights have been particularly unpleasant, so I wanted to get some external perspective on things.

 

Our most recent fight centred around our living arrangements. She used to work in the area that I live, so she would stay at my place 4 or 5 nights a week, with me staying at her’s maybe once a week/fortnight (it just worked out that way due to the location of her work and the fact that she has a car). Recently she has a new job that is quite far from where we both live, and I expressed concern that we would see each other less. I would like to move in with her, but she doesn’t want to do that until we are engaged (again, something I am not really happy with but I accept on the grounds that it’s a cultural things- she is of Chinese background). We agreed that it was important that we see each other, and said that we would try to do at least 2 nights a week at each other’s houses as it’s equally inconvenient for us to be travelling to work etc from the other person’s house.

 

Anyway, my building is currently being renovated from now until the end of April, and there is one of those large scaffoldings covered in blue mesh surrounding my whole building. As a result, there is very little morning light in my bedroom.

 

My girlfriend says that she doesn’t want to stay at my house until the scaffolding is gone as the lack of light in the morning depresses her. That would be nearly 4 months of her not staying at my place. This means that I have to either stay at her place every time, or we just see each other less.

 

I was not happy about this, and said that she just shouldn’t worry about the morning light and focus on the fact that we get to spend time together. Everything escalated, and she said I was selfish for not respecting her wishes, and that this demonstrates that we are not ready to live together.

 

I’m pretty hurt by all of this. I just want to be able to spend time with her and I really don’t think that an absence of morning light is a reason not to stay at your boyfriend’s house for 4 months, especially when he is wants to live with you (but cant) and is worried about how much time together her new work’s location will afford us.

 

Anyway, what do people think? Am I being a jerk? Should she not worry about it so much?

 

Thanks everyone

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I think you are focused way too much on sleepovers and the act of sleeping together. If she has to drive a far distance to work in the morning, she is thinking about her actual sleeping comfort and not the sex or the "togetherness." I think that at 6 months you should focus on doing things like meeting near her work one day for a nice dinner out out of thoughtfulnes to her, trying things to do in a town halfway between work and home, etc - and if one of you sleeps over - fine, if not, than fine too. You guys have been dating for way too short of time to be at eachother's places 6 days a week.

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Thanks for the responses.

 

I guess it was the way she put it to me as well. I feel like I give a lot in this relationship, and really try very hard to make her happy/do what she wants to do etc, and then to be called selfish. That part hurt as it's something I really strive to avoid.

 

I think your advice is good though. She is 31 and I am 29- she has sort of put the accelerator on things because she is getting 'older' and Im okay with that because I love her and am (nearly) ready for that sort of stuff. I think that the pace sort of turbo-charges our relationship, such that little things can become big things very fast. This is probably an example where I need to step back, see the bigger picture and realise that it isnt such a big deal.

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I agree that it is probably too early to move in together.. however, you have only been together for 6 months so it's weird that she reacted like that. I know it wouldn't kill me to stay 2 nights a week without morning light... I don't know, sounds funny to me. Sometimes the weather here is so ugly I don't get to see the morning light anyway

 

One question though: would she be ok by seeing you less or is she expecting you to be staying at hers more often?

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I agree that it is probably too early to move in together.. however, you have only been together for 6 months so it's weird that she reacted like that. I know it wouldn't kill me to stay 2 nights a week without morning light... I don't know, sounds funny to me. Sometimes the weather here is so ugly I don't get to see the morning light anyway

 

One question though: would she be ok by seeing you less or is she expecting you to be staying at hers more often?

 

Yeah I'm kind of of the same mind. She seems to be okay with us spending less time together, but I think that's mainly because she really wants to focus on adjusting to this new job. She has worked very hard to earn it and she wants to do well.

 

Still, I don't think its a zero sum game. It's possible to put a lot of focus into a new job and still see me. I accept, though, that everyone handles things in differently.

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Maybe she really just needs to adjust to her new job and everything and needs a bit more time for herself. If she is very strong about not wanting to come over at all during those 4 months than something is definitely off.

 

Maybe she is distancing herself a little bit because you were pulling too hard with all the moving in together/spending almost every night together etc. Is it possible that she is starting to see you as too needy? maybe it was too much for her and instead of telling you this she is finding excuses? I don't know, just trying to come up with explanaitons

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Maybe she really just needs to adjust to her new job and everything and needs a bit more time for herself. If she is very strong about not wanting to come over at all during those 4 months than something is definitely off.

 

Maybe she is distancing herself a little bit because you were pulling too hard with all the moving in together/spending almost every night together etc. Is it possible that she is starting to see you as too needy? maybe it was too much for her and instead of telling you this she is finding excuses? I don't know, just trying to come up with explanaitons

 

Yes, I had considered this as well. I think this might be a possibility, at least subconsciously.

 

And yes, she is pretty strongly opposed to staying over, so I think something is definitely off. 4 months is a long time to impose that sort of distance/inconvenience within a relationship.

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She's starting a new job. On top of that, a bigger commute.

 

HIGH TENSION TIME.

 

I'd back off and let her get herself focused and adjusted.

 

Anything you raise right now will get slapped at like a gnat, and that will hurt your feelings. So--stop setting that up, and just pipe down for a while.

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I'm like you OP, if my boyfriend told me he preferred to see me less only because he didn't like the fact that he couldn't see the morning light on the days he stayed over, I would take it personally and I would question his real motives.

I think what your girlfriend is doing is fishy, and to me it looks like she's using this to distance herself from you and the relationship. Why, only she knows. Or if it's not just an excuse, then she must be a very difficult person to be around, one that in time would drive anyone crazy with her moods and silly expectations.

 

I agree that maybe 6 months is still early to move in together, but she could just come out and say that things are moving too fast and she would like to slow them down. But to invoke the lack of morning light as a reason for not spending time with you - that is so lame and speaks volumes about her as a person.

 

Give her whatever space she asks for, and keep your eyes open for further red flags.

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It is not unusual for the first stage of the relationship to be at break neck speed and then there is a little cooling down that is normal. I think you should not focus on "her clock" and focus on the fact that if she is at the age that she wants to get serious, you seriously get to know her and you decide whether you are wasting her time and let her go or you get to know her more and decide that regardless of her time clock that she is the one for you. A time clock doesn't mean hurry up and make a baby - it just means you have to ask yourself the serious questions about a person and possibly weed them out faster if they are not for you or get to the meet of it if they are.

 

If you date for two years, still plenty of time for her to have kids. Its better to have a healthy relationship and delay than to be so speedy and realize you are with the wrong person.

 

You are mistaking the effort you perceive you are putting in should result in a return from her "i have done so much, she owes it to me to sleep over". Forget about the sleeping over. if she works far away from your house, it has nothing to do with the relationship quality if she just really can't stay over because work is 2 hours away and that would require no sleep.

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Have you sat her down and told her how you feel about it? It sounds like she has been pretty up front about how she feels, and you mostly just accept it and let her have her say and her way.

 

If it is inconvienent for you to sleep at her house, then I agree, you guys should share that burden 50/50. I would not think that 1 night per week staying at your place would be a big deal with the construction if she is truly looking to make the relationship work.

 

The most important thing is to sit her down and talk to her about how you feel. Not blaming, not pushing, not trying to coerce... just say that her not being willing to stay there for 4 months hurts and bothers you, and you'd really like to talk about it and find a more workable solution.

 

That's what a relationship is about. Communication. If you can't communicate at this stage and work through problems... you definitely want to hold off on getting engaged/moving in/married until you can.

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