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Amazing few dates real connection but what on earth happened?


cherryblossom2

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Hi everyone,

 

I met a guy on Tinder (yep) I know you all will say it's used for hook ups etc, but anyway I met a guy a week ago (both of us are late 30s) - had a truly amazing first date which lasted 8 hours. Went to an art gallery, walk along the thames, dinner - was incredible. We then met again this Friday, the guy planned an amazing date for us, put lots of thought and effort into it. The first venue we went to we played table football and had a great time.Then he sat down and we were chatting and he then seemed to struggle and get really uncomfortable, he said he intially went onto Tinder for some female company (not sex!) this guy is a very, down to earth, genuine, honest type which I could tell early on. He basically said that he didn't imagine he would meet someone like me, he said he feels like we have a really special connection which is very rare to find and I agreed. Then he I wanted to be honest with you, last year he applied for a VISA to Australia and 2 weeks ago he got it. It's a 4 year visa and he is thinking about poss going in 6 months time. He quit his job last week and will freelance for a while. He said meeting me has come totally unexpectantly and kind of thrown a spaner in the works. He said he needed to be honest with me and said he didnt' expect me to hang around and get to know him with this potentially on the cards. But he said if he feel in love then that would change things and he might not go or postphone it. We are both free spirited types, very outdoorsy etc. So for me the thought of eventually poss gong to Oz doesn't scare me. I told him I couldnt commit to anything so early on, but happy to continue with things as I feel we have something that could poss be very special. To have fun and go with the flow. So we hada great rest of the evening. He then said can we spend the rest of the weekend together? So I said definitley I would love that.

 

So yesterday we met up and again he organised us a great date, went ice skating and had a lovely long dinner. we are both very open people and as the drink flowed we opened up about our past, I sensed he was becoming a bit uncomfortable as it was quite deep and meaningful. But it just kind of happened. He then said why don't we go back to your place to watch a DVD or something (before you all say it, it wasn't for sex!) I said sure that's fine but I'm not ready to be physical so if he is happy with that that I was fine with him coming over. When we got back to my place, somehow the conversation again got back into a heavy topic and eventually onto him going to Australia. He said he was torn because he has met me but also the plan is in motion for him to go to OZ as he has saved etc for a while now. He said if I'm going to be honest he probably will go. So I was like, whoa hang on you said before you thought if you feel in love you may not go. What it then established is he would reconsider going to Oz if he fell in love with me. After that things were VERY awkward between us. Lots of very deep subjects and I could see his defences going up. He is very sensitive and doesn't like conflict so found it tough going. I apologised and said he should just tell me to 'shut' up if he gets uncomfortable when I bring things like this up. He said he feels like he is being selfish and that he should walk away but that he doesn't want to as he doesn't want to lose me. We then laughed about it. Said it was important we had that conversation early on, and that we both know the score now. So we went to bed, and he said lets forget the conversation happened and start again from scratch which I was happy with. In bed we cuddled but didn't have sex. Again we felt extremly close and was very intimate in a very non-sexual way. WE both felt the connection and said how much we liked one another. He said why don't we go to the cinema tomorrow and I was like yep defo.

 

Then this morning things got odd in the morning in bed we were very cuddly and everything seemed fine. I had a shower, he made breakfast and I said so are you still up for going to the cinema and he said I can't stay out for long as I have prep for tomorrow at work. So I got the impression that he didn't want to do anything, so I said I can drop you at the station if you need to go home. He said what would you like to do and I said Im easy I can go to the gym and catch-up with friend or spend time with you - I really don't mind! So I carried on doing my stuff, intially he wanted a shower and then changed his mind and just seemed like he wanted to go! I took him to the station and it was majorly awkward when we said good bye. I tried to be as normal as poss and said so it was lovely seeing you, I had fun! He is said you too, we kissed on the cheek and I could tell from his body language he seemed uncomfortable. And then he left!

 

What the hell happened? I know some of you will say we shouldn't of have such a deep convo so early on, but our situation is not a normal dating scenario so it HAD to happen on early on. But I cant understand why he just went cold SO quickly. Literally from the time I had a shower to seeing him he changed and wanted to leave. I'm not contacting him now as I sense he needs space. But is this normal? Have I scared him off or what? We have a very deep connection already and had some amazing dates so I don't get how things changed so quickly. Any ideas what on earth is going on?

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I think it was unfair of you to pressure him about what he'd said about "if we fall in love" -I don't think that was the wisest thing for him to say but this is someone you barely know yet and you're trying to control a major life decision he's making. I also think you are confusing physical intimacy for a level of emotional intimacy that's not there yet. It's not an unusual situation -it's a situation where he decided to meet someone local even though he's moving soon and realized he liked the person more than he had expected. At the point he told you he was going to move it got very simple - you needed to decide whether you wanted to see him again knowing he probably was going to move ("if we fall in love" is so vague).

 

He could have handled it a bit better and not thrown in the caveat he did but since he was a near-stranger when he told you I don't think you should have confronted him with that line as you did the next time.

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I think im probably explaining that bit a bit badly, I was actually very supportive of his decison to go to oz and said he should go and that I wouldnt ever expect him to not go because of me. But it felt like he went from the friday night saying that he might not go to after our heavy convo to then saying he probably would go which came as a shock! But I dealt with it in the best way possible I thought and he understood my position.we both wear our heart on our sleeve, so I said I was hurt in the past a few years ago so the thought of potentially getting involved with someone who might leave is risky for me and he said the last thing he wanted wss to hurt me but said selfishly he didnt want to lose me

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I think im probably explaining that bit a bit badly, I was actually very supportive of his decison to go to oz and said he should go and that I wouldnt ever expect him to not go because of me. But it felt like he went from the friday night saying that he might not go to after our heavy convo to then saying he probably would go which came as a shock! But I dealt with it in the best way possible I thought and he understood my position.we both wear our heart on our sleeve, so I said I was hurt in the past a few years ago so the thought of potentially getting involved with someone who might leave is risky for me and he said the last thing he wanted wss to hurt me but said selfishly he didnt want to lose me

 

Your heart should not be anywhere in this to any extent with a near stranger -that's the problem - you feel what you feel but you can control your reactions to how you feel. You sound like you're talking about someone you're dating exclusively for a long time, not someone you just met. I think you can text him what you said you would but that's it -keep it simple, sweet and nothing to do with the intense convo you had.

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I agree that not only is it too early to be talking about what will/won't happen if you "fall inlove" (talk about pressure! Moving to another country is a major life decision and he's suggesting you would be responsible for whatever decision he makes...yowzaaa!) Its also waaaay too early for you to presume you know him so well...you've known him for a couple of days and have decided he's honest, wears his heart on his sleeve, is down to earth, etc. Really that's just how he presents himself, as well as how most people present themselves when putting their best foot forward and getting to know someone.

I think when you spend days on end with someone you've just met you really risk the relationship running its course very quickly. Its too intense without any basis for the relationship.

Sometimes we do ourselves a real disservice buy contradicting exactly what we really want. So for example, you said "I've been really hurt and don't want to date someone who might leave"....THEN DON'T. He is more than likely going to leave. So don't set yourself up for that. Worse, you're going to emotionally torture and punish yourself by thinking "if he had been inlove with me, he would have stayed" (which isn't true) and you put that additional emotional abuse on yourself by deciding you were responsible for him leaving...which he's already set up for you to believe.

In addition to all of that, he's well aware now that you've told him that you'd rather not date someone who's going to leave in the end and his response was "selfishly I want to be with you". Anyone I've dated who's stated their own intentions as selfish have turned out to be exactly that---Selfish with a capital S.

I agree if you want to keep seeing him you should keep things light and casual since he more than likely will be leaving ****as he has already stated more than once in the few days you have known him****

I would urge you to consider why you'd continue to date someone who might leave when you said out loud "I don't want to date anyone who might leave". The writing is really on the wall with this one and you'd walk into it eyes wide open while directly contradicting your own words and actions. Something to think about.

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Don't worry I am thinking very seriously about continuing to date him because of the fact he will be leaving. I don't think anyone would want to risk giving their heart to a person who will end up going to another country. So I am thinking hard about this. He did say that he would think about delaying going to Oz for 1-2 years as he doesn't need to go straight away. So he did seem to be flexible with his plans. But I do agree with you all. Too much too soon. I guess we will just have to see what happens.

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First of all, are people in their late 30's on Tinder now??

 

Secondly, sounds like you are projecting your romantic fantasies on him.

 

The dates he planned were not amazing. They were pretty typically actually. He has likely taken other women from Tinder to galleries, ice skating, and a convinient DVD at home.

 

To you, this was falling in love. To him, this was a typical Friday.

 

Learn to rein in your expectations: real life is a NOT rom-com. People need time to get to know each other in real life, and no adult who is mature "fall in love" over night.

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I haven't fallen in love with him. HE was the one who brought up the falling in love bit not mean. He was just saying if he did fall in love with me then he would consider staying because he feels he met someone really special. But he wanted me to know that he was planning on going at some stage. I wasn't projecting any romantic fantasys on him at all, I was being brutally realistic with him and I actually said last night we should leave it and not go to the cinema now I know just how commited he is to going to OZ because I saw it as pointless continuing to spend time together. He then said it wasn't what he wanted.

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I saw it as pointless continuing to spend time together. He then said it wasn't what he wanted.

 

This is what I think you need to look at more closely. You think its pointless but he doesn't. So you're either going to do what works for YOU or what works for him. I agree that it would be foolish to give your heart to someone who's leaving and said above that you'll be setting yourself up for heartbreak and self-sabotage by thinking he didn't "fall inlove with you" and that's why he left.

What he has said is:

I plan on leaving in 6 months if I don't fall in love before that.

If I fall in love, I would leave after a year or two.

In both of those scenarios, he's leaving.

If you say you think its pointless to keep dating him and then continue dating him, you're sending a very clear message about yourself.

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Very good points Savignon and I do agree. However, I always wanted to leave the UK and bring up my kids in a better place anyway and I voiced this to him earlier on. We share a very similar vision for life which is why I'm pretty sure he would consider taking me with him in 2 years time or whatever. This doesn't worry me in the slightest. From my perspective I need time to think this over a bit and you guys are really helping me see both sides so thanks. I think that if we are meant to be together we will make it work. IF I continue to date him I will watch him carefully and see how things progress, but like you all have said it would have to be slowed down. I would put the brakes on and defo hold off on sex and only see him once a week max to see how things develop naturally. But great advice everyone.

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It sounds like he would be going for travel and adventure, not to raise a family---unless I missed something.

I would again pay lots of attention to the pressure being put on this budding relationship of just a few days...."if I fall inlove"..."I'd love to raise my kids elsewhere"....those are heavy duty things to put on someone you've just, just met. You're already imaging going with him!

You don't need to "watch him carefully"...he's already told you he's leaving. Maybe soon and maybe not so soon. It didn't sound at all like his dream was to move to another country with a woman and her kids to raise a family in a better place. It sounds like what you described the first time...he's free spirited, has quit his job, wants to wander and explore....kids and "raising" kids sounds like the opposite of that. I have a young child myself and wouldn't consider uprooting her with a guy I'd known for days. I also wouldn't date someone who seemed the complete opposite of ready to settle down and have a family b/c that's what my life actually is, as much as I love travel and adventure (which I do!).

I'm not digging on you at all....it feels amaaaazing to connect with someone like that and no doubt he'd like to spend his time with you until he's on to his next adventure. I think the 'word of caution' I'm sending is to not let that great feeling cloud your judgment. What if you went with him and he dumped you? Would you be prepared to raise your kids wherever he landed you or would you move them again? What about your job/retirement plan/kid's family and friends? Would you leave all that behind to follow this guy on his whim? Those things are waaaay more important to consider than this guy himself.

Personally I would decide how important/valid it was to me for me to say out loud "this would be a waste of my time and I'm more than likely going to get very hurt" ....if I thought that was from my true and honest-with-myself heart, I would not keep seeing him. Especially if part of my goal is to create a loving, stable environment for my kids.

I'm assuming this guy has no kids? Has he ever been married? Does he mention in his heart-to-hearts that he wants a wife and family?

Consider all of that before making your choice.

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He desperately wants a family and works with kids so it's very much a priority for him. He bought up the discussion with me. He wants to settle down defo, but probably not in this country (which is my vision too and nothing to do with him, I always saw myself as living abroad) we ARE a good match definitley and we both know it even at this early stage. However I'm not sure if I do want to go ahead with this just in case it backfires and I'm left heartbroken. I'm guard my heart very carefully so I know I'll make the right decision even if I do continue dating him. If I felt it was heading in the wrong direction I would probably end it before it got too serious.

 

The thing that I just find a bit odd is when we said goodbye he was very cold and distant. Surely if he wanted to see me again he would have been a bit more warmer, I don't know.

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OK, first, you don't have a 'deep connection,' you have an intense attraction. Two totally different things! You've know this guy ONE WEEK so this is all about hormones and runaway fantasies at this point and not about anything really real. You haven't had time to do anything other than scratch the surface and talk about 'what if's' when you've just met.

 

Next, you don't really know him. You THINK you know him because your brain is bathed in an intense hormonal new attraction brew right now, but anybody can play at being anything for a week and only time will tell if he's really a great potential partner or not. Some of the relationships that start out the hottest also flame out just as quickly, as you're discovering right now.

 

So you're assuming you know him and he's the man of your dreams and hence are stressing out about this. But the truth could be very far from your imagination. For example, he could be a liar and already has a wife in Australia and is only here for business for 6 months then he goes home again. So he invents this story to keep you on a simmer and not a boil because he knows he's heading off into the sunset and doesn't want you too excited or investigating his situation too much. Or it's all a lie and he's married to someone living nearby, but where he can get away now and again for hookups to entertain himself (i.e., a wife who travels, a wife who's a stay at home with the kids while he tells her he's travelling on business a lot).

 

So what DO you know for sure? That he's told you he has set a hard deadline and doesn't intend this to go longer than a few months. And perhaps the 'coldness' is different than you think. In other words, he invented this whole story/scenario to first get you all excited and into bed with him, then once he's got that, he needs to get on the train and head home to his wife/live-in GF and you'll never hear from him again (or only rarely).

 

There are LOTS of married men on these hook up sites who invent fictional personas in order to get a few spicy/exciting moments on the side with another woman, then they disappear as quickly as they arrived in order to prevent the other woman from ever discovering he's a lying scumbag who used her like a free hooker. They can be quite clever at this game, having separate phones for wives and OW, fictional identities, fictional names etc. And most are EXTREMELY charming and know how to whip women up into a romantic frenzy so that they can get the goods in a hurry without too much effort on their part or too much time investing in getting to the sex.

 

So the advice is calm down! You don't know if this guy is even really who you think he is, and also you don't really know anything other than you got really hot and bothered and now he's skulking off after getting himself a little excitement and some nookie. Maybe his wife and kiddies were out of town this weekend visiting her parents, and now he's had his fun week long whirl with you and is a bit depressed to not only have that be over, but to be going back to the routine of being a boring married guy, and he KNOWS he can't maintain this fictional persona to have fun with you for long.

 

At this point don't do anything at all. And if he does call you again, start investigating him very carefully to determine whether this story of his is true or whether he's just another bored married guy looking for some spice on the side, a hit and run artist!

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I agree with the others that this is too much, too soon. Especially on your part (because we don't really know how he feels..and keep in mind that what he's told you he feels isn't necessarily the truth and you've known him for such a short time that you have no idea if he's for real or just full of it).

You know, if I had a penny for every time I felt a 'connection' with a guy, only to realise later on that it was just infatuation or totally one-sided, I'd be rich!

It's very dangerous to start thinking you are a good match when you hardly know him...and the proof, if you need proof, is in how cold and distant he was when he left..and you've no idea why. Exactly because you don't know him.

My personal opinion is that the only way to keep dating this guy is if you go into it without any expectations at all. Zero. If you can date him knowing that he's going to leave soon and forget the 'if I fall in love, I'l delay it' part and have the mentality 'I'm going to have fun for a while', then, go ahead and date him...and if love comes out of it all, it will be a bonus.

Anything more than that and you risk having your heart broken.

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btw: suspicious red flags:

 

* 'quit his job last week and will freelance for a while' = no way to contact him at work and verify his story and/or no way to contact his work mates to discover he's really married.

* starts out great, then gradually lowering the boom that he's not really available and no other way to contact him since he supposedly doesn't have a job and all you have is his cell phone or email address

* 'we opened up about our past, I sensed he was becoming a bit uncomfortable as it was quite deep and meaningful.' No, he's getting uncomfortable because you are really starting to pry and he is going to have to come up with bigger and bigger lies to cover up his true circumstance. So he tries to change the subject and cuts to the chase 'let's go to your place'. he doesn't want that deep stuff, he wants some quick poontang.

* so warm and exciting and putting on a big rush so you'll leap into bed with him quickly, which you do. Then once you tell him you're not ready for sex (i.e., he learns you're not giving up the goods unless things turn more permanent with a future), he turns cold and floats off into the atmosphere a totally different man than the one you met the week before. No need to waste any charm if he's realized you're not giving up the goods unless he gets serious with you, which he has no intention of doing.

*He recognizes you are not the type to just give it up quickly without putting more demands on him he's not willing to follow thru with, in fact, he realizes you are after 'love' and that can be tricky to manage if he's a married man and doesn't want you getting too hot and bothered and blowing his cover with his wife/live-in if you find out about her. So he clams up and turns cold because he realizes he just wasted a week and time and money on someone who isn't going to pan out for quick sex and easy going fun. You want more, and he doesn't want to give it, or is unable to if he's lying about being single when he isn't.

 

Caveat emptor!

 

My other prediction is he'll be right back on that dating website trolling for the next girl. He doesn't want a relationship, he wants some quick poontang with no strings attached. You made it clear you're in the market for a relationship and he just isn't, for whatever reason.

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I don't necessarily think the guy is a con artist (although very well could be---who knows after a week?).....but I do think that anyone be anyone for a few dates. I dated a guy for a good 9 months where he said he could see himself with me, said I was the woman for him, said he wanted a family, said he wanted to settle down....but over time none of his actions matched up with that. He lived like a frat boy and won't be settling down any time in the near or distant future. My point is----people say what either: a) is true, b) works for them (whether its true or not), c) what they believe about themselves ("I'm not about casual sex...I'm just using a casual sex website to meet quality people who are also on a casual sex website) d) outright lies because it suits them and gets them what they want

There is nooooo way of knowing where this guy falls on the spectrum after a few days.

Don't you think if he were as crazy about you as you are about him he would have locked in the next time he's going to see you before he left?

Saying he "desperately" wants to settle down isn't congruous with quitting his job in his late 30s and leaving the country on a whim, on a 4 year VISA that will expire...and then he'll come back? What will he do for work then? How will he support a family? Its not what someone who is desperate for a family/kids does. Its impulsive and self-serving. Which is fine for him. He can and should do whatever he wants. But you need to know those are not the actions of a man who wants to settle down.

These are the red flags as I see them:

-he laid out all that emotional stuff right away

-put the "if I fall inlove" out there which puts pressure on you to be 'loveable'

-that in his late 30s and 'desperately wanting a family' his actions are: quit job, leaving the country for four years..putting himself into his early-mid 40s

-that he wanted to rush into this romantic, mushy "let's spend the whole entire weekend together even though we just met" and then bolted without making any plans to see you at all this week or at any time in the future

-that you presume to know how he feels about you after knowing him for a mere couple of days

-that you think your situation is "unique" and "not a typical dating scenario"

-that you said you don't want to get hurt and would walk right into a situation that has "hurt" written all over it

-that you're waving away all of the above because you are convinced you are right or can handle it or whatever

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i completely agree with this! you say he is genuine and honest and you could tell that right away, problem is, we can't! there are many people out there who can fabricate the most elaborate stories and play you for everything you got, and still seem very genuine and honest, people get scammed everyday and you cannot possibly know a man after a few dates, amazing as they may have been...

and there is no connection yet, you are in the infatuation stage and you think everything he says is true, it may be or it may all be one big lie, you don't know that

i would be very cautious and wary....

and if it is all true then even still, he is moving away, so i would not get invested at this point..

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All I can hear is investigate, investigate investigate. While doing this, step back and let him 'lead' for a while. Since he was the one that pulled away, let the ball stay in his court. If he should reach out again, pull back your reins and truly 'look' at what is going on. Listen to what he says, observe what he is doing and see if they correlate. If you feel you cannot do this then I sincerely suggest that you let him go and start looking at other options.

 

Love is not just an emotion, it is a decision. If he decides to move to another country and you are already feeling these strong emotions and he decides not to take you. you may be pretty devastated. You really need to think this thing through before moving forward with it.

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>>But I cant understand why he just went cold SO quickly. Literally from the time I had a shower to seeing him he changed and wanted to leave.

 

btw, another red flag. While you were in the shower, he most likely stepped outside and called wifey-poo to check in and tell her some lie to try to stall her, and she said, 'where the hell are you, and you need to get your arse home from the city now rather than spending the day gallivanting around because your kids need to see their father and you've been gone all week.'

 

sorry, don't trust this guy as far as you can throw him! smoke and mirrors!

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I think because you focused on his words not his actions so the words were warm/intense but that's not the proper focus. What you saw as close he saw as pillow talk so he didn't go from hot to cold just from pillow talk to someone who barely knows you. He also probably realized he'd soon be in leading on territory.

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I just went back to read your other thread about this guy and it seems he sort of fell off after your first date for a few days until you reached out to him. Given that after that date he didn't lock in a next day/time or contact you afterwards, I would say as an outsider that he doesn't seem as interested as you perceive him to be.

I also read another thread from last year where you met someone and it seemed all intense and wonderful until he was "cold/distant" and then it fell apart. Similar to with this guy, you spent the night right away (no sex) and got your expectations up very high.

I know you're a single mom like me so I wondered a bit if you're a little desperate for some adult time and when you don't have your kids for a night or weekend are ready to launch into something even if you barely know the person because you're thinking "this is it...I don't have free time again until (next time I don't have my kids)". I really get that from the loneliness perspective and trying to fit a lot of things into a limited amount of free time. At the same time (I'm also in my late 30s), I would make sure you take your time where these guys are concerned and not spend the night with anyone until you know them well, you're in an exclusive relationship, etc. I found out right after my divorce that my daughter really feeds off my emotions so I'm very careful about how I expose myself emotionally to drama/dating/relationships because if I'm crushed or devastated or anxious about something that in any other world would be trivial, it impacts her.

That might not apply to your situation--depending on the age of your kids and how your custody arrangement is set up---but something I wanted to offer b/c us single moms have to look out for each other ;-)

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"id he intially went onto Tinder for some female company (not sex!!)"

 

Lol! Did you buy this bit?? Men go on tinder for casual hookups - they are all looking for sex.

 

You strike me as a bit naive when dealing with men. I am empathic as I have friends who are single mothers as well and just don't date every much.

 

1) if a man discloses on a first date "I am moving!", this may or may not be true. The real motive is to keep you at bay, and it is a polite way of announcing that he is only looking for a casual thing that may have an expiration date.

 

2) if a man is on tinder, or a man invites you to a movie at home, he is looking for sex and hoping you will hook up with him. Men are not seeking "deep conversations" for hours like women.

 

3) if a man changes tone suddenly (hot to cold), it means he didn't get what he wanted and he is cutting his losses.

 

4) if a man plans a well orchestrated date, trust me he has done it before and will use the same routine tomorrow. It is not that special or amazing.

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Hey guys,

 

Thanks for the advice! BTW I'm not a single mum, I've never been married or have kids and not desperate in the slightest. But I do end up with hot/cold guys which I have realised is an issue.

 

Anyway it's all over now, the guy sent me a text to say he never had intentions to waste my time, had a great time with me but feels it wouldn't be of benefit for us to see each other again and wished me all the best. Bit gutted but guess its a good thing it ended.

 

The guy is DEFINITELY not married I'm mates with him on Facebook and believe me evidence would have been there. He as telling the truth. He is very much single but looking for something casual which I wasn't prepared to do.

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