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She lies to me about how good I am


amethyst exchange

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So I have this woman that I go with, more than that she's a girlfriend and I like her. And well, it kind of precipitated the last thread. She wanted to have sex and I'm...anxious about it.

 

Anyways, over the course of time we have ended up having sex...because, I obviously cannot avoid it forever. Except it's been a while and I'm rusty and sensitive and well frankly it was a very bad performance by me when is all said and done. I was crestfallen and disappointed in myself and I looked at her and I apologized and told her that I'm not really very good at this sort of thing...and I apologized again.

 

She gave me a look and rubbed my shoulder and said I did great and everything was fine....and I know that this is a whopping lie...We had so many false starts and I got...and I'm not afraid to admit it...a bit lost at some point...not lost...but I fumbled it...twice...and at one point she asked if I was ok whilst in action and at one point I just wanted to leave; because it didn't feel like anything was going to go correctly.

 

Anyways the next morning, we talked and she said it was ok if it didn't go perfectly first times are tricky. She said it was still very pleasant and she enjoyed herself.

 

But I could see in her eyes that she was trying to comfort me and I knew she was saying things because she didn't want my feelings hurt. But it hurt my feelings more that she's sitting there lying...to me. Saying it was ok, and good and nice...and lots of other things it simply wasn't. I just don't know what to do with this...I hate it when people lie to me; and it makes me feel very angry that she felt the need to tell me these lies. I mean ultimately it's my fault for being more or less worthless in bed and I'm very aware of my inadequacies, but I'd have rather she yell at me or call me out on it than try and sympathize. She didn't do anything wrong, I'm the one that's bad at this sort of thing, she didn't need to coddle me.

 

Am I wrong to be angry with this misrepresentation of the truth? Or should I let her...continue these...lies?

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You are the one that has decided that she is lying.

Why wouldn't she have had a good time with you? First time sex is rarely ever mindblowing because you aren't used to each other yet and you don't know what each other likes. Did you actually enjoy being with her or were you too concerned and self conscious to notice her?

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She may not be lying to you. It is probably the same insecurities you have with sex that are making you believe/think this.

 

I'm sure she was enjoying herself to start off with. The only reason that may have changed was because she would obviously have become aware that you weren't enjoying yourself.

 

As was suggested on your last thread, it may help to get therapy. If this woman really likes you then working with YOU to help you overcome your anxieties will be far more umportant to her than the sex itself but you would have to communicate with her - not get angry with her.

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i think you are angry at yourself and now you are misdirecting your anger at her. women are into intimacy, closeness. yes of course we like good sex... but for me the act is more about the closeness then it is about the actual sex. don't let this event overtake your feelings about this woman. it will get better and better.

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She may have enjoyed it, knowing it was the first time and that you both were nervous---she just as much as you. The best sex is when the two people have taken time to know one another and learn what each other likes in bed, and that requires more than one time; it certainly requires it not being the first time.

 

You'd have more of a case for complaint if you two had been seeing each other for more than a year and you were still fumbling and she was coddling you. Perhaps you need to aim that anger at yourself and stop trying to paint her as the bad guy when she genuinely had no complaints about your performance.

 

did you ask her while you were going along if she liked what you were doing? Did you ask her what she liked and how she liked it, or did you just plow ahead with no map to her pleasure?

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i think you are angry at yourself and now you are misdirecting your anger at her. women are into intimacy, closeness. yes of course we like good sex... but for me the act is more about the closeness then it is about the actual sex. don't let this event overtake your feelings about this woman. it will get better and better.

 

This is what I think, too!

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Who are you to decide whether or not she enjoyed it??!!??!! I find it hard to believe that she "lied". You did it only once for gods sake. Stop thinking about sex as if it's some kind of chore. Woman will never win the battle against your mind. If you decided in your mind that she is lying there's nothing she can do. I'll say it bluntly: you are being inconsiderate and rude. On the one hand you obviously have insecurities and you seem to admit them, but you tend to toss responsibility to others. You are anxious about your performance and ability to please her, while disregarding her opinion in advance, you made it sound like it's all about satisfying her but it really is about you - ironic. You are leaving her in defenseless position, it's her against your mind, and all it takes is for you to think something for her to feel disrespected, unappreciated, not taken seriously, not cared for ..... I'm putting your behavior in a bigger picture here so it may help you realize how destructive and toxic it is. Stop for a second and ask yourself what if she is telling the truth? You are not the one to decide what she enjoys and what not. What you should do is let her continue telling the truth. Since you seem to know better then her how much she didn't enjoy it why don't you tell us what exactly you wanted to hear from her? What exact words she should have said so you wouldn't doubt her honesty? Stop expecting from your girlfriends to always confirm your thoughts and feelings, they too have the right to express themselves just like you do. Start challenging your own views.

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It is very important to remember, OP, that your focus on yourself and whether or not you are "performing" well will show. This means you are not focussing on her.

Especially if you are asking what she thought of you. The only thing that speaks "bad sex" to me here is the fact that you are obsessing over yourself, and not on her - which she is bound to notice eventually if you keep going on about it - and that is extremely off putting.

 

Not all women like it the same - it is extremely naive to think there is only one set way of pleasuring a woman. So even if you were a Sex PRO with your last partner, you are still most likely going to be back at square one when you get to a new one.

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You are the one that has decided that she is lying.

Why wouldn't she have had a good time with you? First time sex is rarely ever mindblowing because you aren't used to each other yet and you don't know what each other likes. Did you actually enjoy being with her or were you too concerned and self conscious to notice her?

 

It was a horrible experience, that was demonstrable and fact. Why wouldn't she have a good time with me? Because I suck! I don't even understand what she sees in me. Which only makes the performance stuff even more difficult...because I feel like I need to give her a reason to stay with me because I am the sort of person you tolerate because...you can't find someone better.

 

And no I didn't enjoy it, I very rarely do. I enjoy being with her cuddled together under a blanket, or holding each other...I hate...when it proceeds...because I don't find that part of it very intimate. She starts kissing me on the neck or nuzzling me and getting handsy and something in me shuts off...because I know what she really wants, and I know I can't give her what she wants. It's not that she isn't attractive, she is...very kind to a fault, and I tell her this every day I see her. I just get sick of being a disappointment to her...

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It is very important to remember, OP, that your focus on yourself and whether or not you are "performing" well will show. This means you are not focussing on her.

Especially if you are asking what she thought of you. The only thing that speaks "bad sex" to me here is the fact that you are obsessing over yourself, and not on her - which she is bound to notice eventually if you keep going on about it - and that is extremely off putting.

 

Not all women like it the same - it is extremely naive to think there is only one set way of pleasuring a woman. So even if you were a Sex PRO with your last partner, you are still most likely going to be back at square one when you get to a new one.

 

I focus on myself because I'm the deficient part of the equation. I'm the wrong in this relationship, and I don't understand why she even wants to spend time with me....

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Your rigid and hostile mentality isn't conducive to a relationship.

 

If you're not willing to give the benefit of doubt to someone who cares for you, then you're fixed against extending kindness to others ~or~ yourself, and that's a trap.

 

The critical judge and jury in your mind is running your life--but it's your own creation.

 

You get to choose whether the voice running in your head remains cruel and judgmental or whether you'll form a more advantageous habit of supporting and encouraging your Self and others.

 

It's a decision.

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Who are you to decide whether or not she enjoyed it??!!??!! I find it hard to believe that she "lied". You did it only once for gods sake. Stop thinking about sex as if it's some kind of chore. Woman will never win the battle against your mind. If you decided in your mind that she is lying there's nothing she can do. I'll say it bluntly: you are being inconsiderate and rude. On the one hand you obviously have insecurities and you seem to admit them, but you tend to toss responsibility to others.

 

It was horrible. I could tell from how she was reacting...which is why I wanted to stop...she told me it was fine and that we should just change position...which we did...so she was in control and then it was over all too soon. I heard her sigh that kind of sigh that says, 'Really? After all of that this?'...and then she gave me that look like I'd disappointed her...

 

You are anxious about your performance and ability to please her, while disregarding her opinion in advance, you made it sound like it's all about satisfying her but it really is about you - ironic. You are leaving her in defenseless position, it's her against your mind, and all it takes is for you to think something for her to feel disrespected, unappreciated, not taken seriously, not cared for ..... I'm putting your behavior in a bigger picture here so it may help you realize how destructive and toxic it is. Stop for a second and ask yourself what if she is telling the truth? You are not the one to decide what she enjoys and what not. What you should do is let her continue telling the truth. Since you seem to know better then her how much she didn't enjoy it why don't you tell us what exactly you wanted to hear from her? What exact words she should have said so you wouldn't doubt her honesty? Stop expecting from your girlfriends to always confirm your thoughts and feelings, they too have the right to express themselves just like you do. Start challenging your own views.

 

Anything that wasn't 'it was great don't worry about it'. I would have felt better if she had come out directly and said 'that was pretty poor...it definitely could've been better...'.

 

If she's telling the truth then she's more naive about what it should feel like than I am. And I feel even worse because she's settling for that...when she could have better with literally anyone else on the planet.

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Your rigid and hostile mentality isn't conducive to a relationship.

 

If you're not willing to give the benefit of doubt to someone who cares for you, then you're fixed against extending kindness to others ~or~ yourself, and that's a trap.

 

I don't hold this against her. I'm mad at myself for putting her in a position she felt she needed to lie to me to protect me. It's my fault. Like I said, I'm the wrong in this relationship...she's been nothing but kind to me...why I cannot fathom...I don't deserve it.

 

 

You get to choose whether the voice running in your head remains cruel and judgmental or whether you'll form a more advantageous habit of supporting and encouraging your Self and others.

 

It's a decision.

 

It's cruel and judgmental because I don't deserve any better. I always try to be as kind as possible to her, and very apologetic when I slip. I realize who has the social advantage in this relationship and that she could leave and find someone better at any moment...that I don't deserve her attention at all let alone...everything else.

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I mean ultimately it's my fault for being more or less worthless in bed and I'm very aware of my inadequacies, but I'd have rather she yell at me or call me out on it than try and sympathize. She didn't do anything wrong, I'm the one that's bad at this sort of thing, she didn't need to coddle me.

 

Am I wrong to be angry with this misrepresentation of the truth? Or should I let her...continue these...lies?

 

You're making this a burden that will ruin the relationship, IMO. So the first time didn't go so great for you, and you're making this about her and you judging her. What about looking forward to the future, exploring and learning about each other's bodies and desires? Where's the excitement and desire to take you forward into a better couple? She may very well have enjoyed it, or parts of it, but I can't imagine her enjoying your take on it now. Please let it go, so you can relax and try again. It's about discovery, not perfection.

 

So I have this woman that I go with, more than that she's a girlfriend and I like her.

I wonder, by this ^, if you're not really into her that much.

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Your'e making this a burden that will ruin the relationship, IMO. So the first time didn't go so great for you, and you're making this about her and you judging her. What about looking forward to the future, exploring and learning about each other's bodies and desires? Where's the excitement and desire to take you forward into a better couple? She may very well have enjoyed it, or parts of it, but I can't imagine her enjoying your take on it now. Please let it go, so you can relax and try again. It's about discovery, not perfection.

 

I only care about making her happy...even if it means I'm not, because I deserve that...and she deserves to be happier than me.

 

I wonder, by this ^, if you're not really into her that much.

 

It was me trying to sterilize things. I care for her as much as I can...but I realize that I'm not...good enough for her...

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Because you think so poorly of yourself, no woman could win in this situation.

If she tells you it was fine and she enjoyed herself, you will think she is lying (like now).

If she tells you she is disappointed, you will turn around and whip yourself some more and won't fix it anyways.

 

It's not about her. It's about you. So do something about it.

 

I think it's pretty crappy you are judging this girl for actually liking you and wanting to have sex with you. But it's understandable, you are in the "I don't want to be in any club that would have me" mentality.

 

If she's smart, she'll walk. Not because of the sex. But cause of how you are treating her.

 

By the way, you are judging her for not communicating how you think she should have. Well did you tell her all these thoughts on your mind? "I don't believe you. I think you are lying."

 

If you want the truth, you better be willing to pony it up yourself.

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I told her that I didn't believe she could've enjoyed it and that I didn't enjoy the feelings I had about it. She just sighed and held my hand and told me that she was telling the truth.

 

I don't disagree with you. I don't deserve her...and there are days I find it hard to stand the kind of compassion she's extended to me...some days it hurts me....

 

I just feel so deficient compared to her.

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I'm mad at myself for putting her in a position she felt she needed to lie to me to protect me.

 

Even if she lied, you are not responsible for that. It would be her choice to lie. You did not "put her in position" it's her own free will. Or maybe you held a knife up her throat and demanded that she comforts you - and you now feel guilty for that? What you should have done is very simple.

"I'm glad you enjoyed it, but i'm not especially thrilled about how it felt myself." Maybe next time you could initiate sex, you start kissing, nibbling, rubbing ... Pin her down and take it slow, and ask her to tell you what feels good. So you don't feel jumped on or cornered. If she suggests something, like she once said that different position would be better, instead of freaking out about it, just go for it. It's not the end of the world it's the end of that position for the time being, she might like it better again later. I think you have unrealistic expectations about women. Most women have trouble reaching climax some rarely orgasm, others never do, depending how well they know their own body and how willing they are to guide them self towards final orgasm. You can't really force it on girls, and women that expect their partner to do everything for them have unrealistic expectations as well. So if you think you need some superb technique you are wrong. All it takes is two relaxed people in mood for it willing to be playful with each other.

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Ok, so let's forget about her lying...because I've come to realize it's a useless to be concerned about it and frankly I'm not going to deny my perceptions about her responses are very likely biased.

 

The real question is how do I patch up and stitch up my soul so I can be...less miserable.

 

Valentine's Day is coming up. I personally hate Valentine's Day....with a blazing flame of raging vitriol. I am however willing to compromise my position on this *grumble grumble* holiday *grumble grumble*. I'm guessing I need to shape that...positively. I'm thinking a nice dinner and flowers and I don't know a cozy home movie with a blanket and couch time and of course all of which is supposed to be building up to...sex because I don't know, it's expected and I have to face this down, I'm tired of this fear ruining things. Which I want this to go well to attempt to fix the earlier awkwardness as well.

 

I don't like spectacle though, especially when it comes to romance. It just doesn't pay dividends...and it's unsustainable in the long term. I guess, what kind of romance should be employed...for the day....and then sex for the evening.

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Unless you change your attitude about yourself, I don't see this lasting very long.

 

Thanks for piling on, I get it, I'm messed up and broken and I am miserable; these things really help, thanks...really motivational. And simply telling me to change my attitude about myself is far from helpful...that's like telling an alcoholic to simply stop drinking alcohol.

 

I'm attempting to alter my view of the situation, trying to prepare myself for upcoming interactions with this woman, whom, I have a rapport with...and wish to continue this rapport. At the moment I'm hoping to achieve a small goal of giving her a nice Valentine's date...try and be romantic for her...

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The real question is how do I patch up and stitch up my soul so I can be...less miserable.

 

Your soul is fine, there is nothing you can do to mess that up. Your inner dialog is rigid and incessantly negative. That's a habit, and you can change it like any other habit.

 

After I read that it takes 21 days to anchor a habit change, I asked myself what would happen if I changed the critical voice that I run in my head to kind and supportive.

 

So when my impulse is to put myself down, I stop that immediately and change my words and tone into the gentle and encouraging things I would say to child who's made a mistake and feels badly about it.

 

Also, change the word "can't" to "won't" for accuracy in any sentence when describing your resistance to healthy and beneficial behaviors. This assigns the responsibility for self control directly to yourself and your own choices rather than some arbitrary limitation that you do not, in fact, possess.

 

Bottom line: self talk is an inside job that nobody else can change for you. While it's true your current dialog may reflect negative stuff you've picked up from parents or mean classmates or authority figures over time, you ultimately control your own content today.

 

If you're willing to make positive changes, that would be the place to start.

 

You're also entitled to mental health counseling if you go to school. Your tuition or taxes have already paid for the service, so contact your student services department for instructions on how to set up an appointment. There you'll be assessed for the best kind of therapy to work through the issues and barriers that keep you miserable.

 

Understand, you set the tone for how people perceive you. If you are fixed and stubborn with your negativity about yourself, people will be exasperated by that and respond with frustration--or they'll simply avoid you. You, in turn, digest that negativity and produce more of that. It's a vicious cycle, but you own control over it and can reverse it at any time. It's a decision.

 

Start with your thoughts and practice putting out into the world the kind of energy you want reflected back to you. Practicing kindness to your Self is the foundational component for changing everything else, both internal and external.

 

Head high, do your very best, and trust the process.

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