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It's been quite a while since I posted here. ENA got me through one of the toughest periods of my life (2009-most of 2011). In 2011 I met the woman who would eventually become my wife in 2013. I love her very much. Here's the cut to the chase: shortly after we got engaged, she began to gain weight. She was on Weight Watchers when we met, and was also very physcially active. After we got engaged, she dropped WW and she began to gain weight. Now, first of all, I do love her no matter what, but I do feel that staying in shape should be part of the package. It is also a strange Deja Vu for me, as I was involved with another woman who basically blimped after she felt secure in the relationship, (gained 100 lbs). I tried to focus on

her other qualities, etc...but eventually I had to leave that relationship. So my current situation is kind of hitting these buttons from the past with this rapid weight gain. Just to clarify, it's like 35 lbs, not 100! But

it worries me.

 

I have broached the subject with her (gently, non-judgementally), and she acknowledges that she needs to do something. Then she will watch her portions and sweets and do a little exercise for a few days...and then it ends. I bought a home gym (she never touches it), I have offered many times to work out with her, and there's always an excuse. We also have a treadmill which she never touches either. I have tried to

set the example by eating healthy and exercising regularly, and as I stated earlier, she notices and is supportive, and acknowledges that she needs to do something, but her efforts are fleeting and superficial.

 

So..I am becoming less and less physically attracted to her as she continues to gain weight. Ideas?

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I'm interested in what you wrote. It seems there are two things going on

 

1) your wife - she's put on some weight, and this could be for many reasons we don't know about

2) your own reaction - there's a bit of a contradiction in what you wrote. You expressed that you can talk about this non-judgementally, and that you love her no matter what. However, you also say that "staying in shape should be part of the package"... that comes accross (to me anyway) as being judgemental (and I think we all have things we're judgemental about when it comes to other people... I know I do!)

 

Your wife may be hearing judgement in your comments, even if they aren't intended, and that may not help

 

I don't think there is "an answer" that will magically fix things.

 

You seem to be offering her lots of things in terms of home gym, offering to work out with her... eating healthy etc, but these could come accross as your judgemental side, and it may be that since she may not want to agree with you, she may be almost automatically rebelling as a result.

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Thanks for your thoughts. She just isn't the rebellious type, I think it's more like sugar addiction maybe. Don't know. Believe me after what I went through with the ex who gained 100lbs, I am extremely gentle and judicious when I bring it up. She's even said as much in later conversations. My ex used to fly into a rage when I tried to talk about it. SO..you're right no magic answer here. And I don't think that the belief in staying healthy is indicitive of being judgemental.

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You seem to be offering her lots of things in terms of home gym, offering to work out with her... eating healthy etc, but these could come accross as your judgemental side, and it may be that since she may not want to agree with you, she may be almost automatically rebelling as a result.

 

I agree. If she wants to lose weight, you buying all that stuff and nagging about her using them will surely make her feel less like doing it and wondering if you really will love her no matter what.

 

Lay off her, she needs to 'think thin' to be motivated, not be reminded of how fat she is or you think she is.

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Basically, I think, you need to be judgmental, if the other person is through their action, causing you to loose attraction. Doesn't sound like a hormonal issue or weight gain after pregnancy..from what you've described, it sounds like she is overeating. And 35 lbs is not easy to put on, that means massive over eating and total lack of exercise (unless you are eating out all the time, that will do it too). And you must be worried at the trajectory and if this will continue getting worse and worse, which is it's own added stress..

 

Attraction isn't a choice. It's not something you intellectualize. It's something you feel. And you are clearly getting turned off. You need to let her know. It's a massive turnoff for many men, not just you.

 

What is the alternative ? You loose attraction (which, again, is not a choice) and then your relationship falls apart anyway ? You can't have a relationship without physical intimacy and affection.

 

From her perspective, why does she feel comfortable letting herself go in this manner? Maybe that indicates some underlying issue that you also need to get at. Nagging her to loose weight isn't going to make her loose weight. You need to identify and fix the underlying issue(s) and make her want to loose weight, as a priority, on her own.

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Thanks for the support. Really, I have not nagged her...I mean we're talking months in between me mentioning it. And yes, I know she likes bike riding, so I will suggest that when the weather clears up. Jaded, you may be onto something with your approach. Thanks a bunch!

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I agree that you should probably try to be a litttleeeee judgemental, or at least let her know that you are becoming less attracted. Say that you still love her and find her attractive but if she lost weight she would blow you out of this world. I think that might motivate her.

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I really hate to hear what you have to say if she got pregnant with your child...or if you ever got sick or had an accident, and wasn't mobile - Should she stop finding you attractive too? I'm not harping on you - just trying to bring some perspective here.

 

I mean did she adopt a sugar addiction overnight? Has she had to buy all brand new clothes to accommodate her weight gain? Does she ever feel bummed about her weight gain?

 

Or does she totally doesn't think anything happened, and is wearing the same clothes 35 lbs ago?

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Have you tried positive reinforcement when she does work out/eat healthy/etc.?

 

As in "I find it so sexy when you work out." "I love it when you cook healthy meals for us!"

 

In addition, I would just sit her down and have a to the point chat. It seems to be fairly important to you that her body type not change, so she needs to be well apprised of that fact. You can do it gently, but I'd say you do need to do it. Otherwise, your frustration will continue to grow.

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I have observed that people who exercise and eat well only do sonic they are self motivated. It's all just too hard to do if your heart isn't in it 100%. So, in your situation, unless she decides to change on her own, I don't see it happening. At this point I think it's up to you to decide how important it is to you.

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"Now, first of all, I love her no matter what, but I do feel that staying in shape should be part of the package."

 

No, you don't. Because you didn't love your last girlfriend. You left her.

 

A woman isn't a package, or a body type. She's a person. You say that you have a history of your girlfriends 'blimping out' as you put it, once they have been with you for a while. When someone overeats to the point of gaining 35 pounds (or 100) in a relatively short time, it means that something might be bothering them. Depression and anxiety, for example. Maybe there is something about YOU that is making these ladies feel bad about themselves to the point where they don't care and would rather overeat.

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Bungalo, if I remember correctly, I think you expressed this issue before you got married. I honestly think you never should have married her. And I say that as someone formerly obese. To actually deal with the issues, it is a lot of work and it is an every day thing. She has to be self-motivated and she's not. It's not a priority for her.

 

And if her weight is an attraction issue for you, you can't exactly help that. Appearance does matter and you are not talking about small weight gain. 35 lbs is significant. And you are not talking about a situation where she started off petite, had a baby/gained weight, and didn't exactly lose all the weight.

 

Is this a dealbreaker type of issue for you?

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"Now, first of all, I love her no matter what, but I do feel that staying in shape should be part of the package."

 

No, you don't. Because you didn't love your last girlfriend. You left her.

 

A woman isn't a package, or a body type. She's a person. You say that you have a history of your girlfriends 'blimping out' as you put it, once they have been with you for a while. When someone overeats to the point of gaining 35 pounds (or 100) in a relatively short time, it means that something might be bothering them. Depression and anxiety, for example. Maybe there is something about YOU that is making these ladies feel bad about themselves to the point where they don't care and would rather overeat.

 

I don't agree with this assessment. People fall in love and commit to a person for many reasons. One key reason is physical attraction. If people's looks didn't make a difference at all, then people would not specify height, body type, race, gender, etc preferences in their dating profiles. Weight/appearance can play a role in physical attraction or one wouldn't have looked for a certain body type in the first place!

 

I have found what is most important is finding someone with compatible philosophies and lifestyles. A healthy lifestyle is a way of life. If she had continued on weight watchers along with regular exercise and gained weight, this would be a different conversation. Then it would be about going to the doctor and making sure there were no hormonal issues. But she's stopped trying and it has directly impacted her weight.

 

Stress is a part of life. It's how we deal with it that matters.

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