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I am overwhelmed


zanobia

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I married a really nice guy who at the age of 39 had never been married and was still living with his Mom. Now he has the best of both worlds...other than us living together his life hasn't changed much...lunch at her house Mon.-Fri., he often attends sporting events with his siblings and goes jogging or riding his bike for 1 1/2 to 2 hours everyday after work. Having never been in debt, he is not willing to use his credit card so I end up paying for most things. My father recently deeded the house we have been living in for 5 years to us (without asking if we wanted it) in both our names and my husband considers it my responsibility to pay the mortgage. Unfortunately, the house is not in good condition and the mold and mildew is making me ill. This week we needed propane ($500 min. purchase) and he refused to put it on his credit card because he knew I was getting paid on Fri. - so we are now dangerously low on fuel. For the past few years we have adopted many cats and dogs (now a total of 13) and I realize it was an effort on my part to have some companionship. My husband insists on feeding the dogs wet food - very expensive, and since he is always working or working out, I end up being mostly responsible for their care. Hide sight has let me realize that the 2 job changes I have made in less than a year were efforts to "improve" my situation, but I gave up a job at a Univ. with great benefits and am now working for a company that manufactures drill bits. Although I am in the office area, there are times that the air is hazy with machine oil and seems to be adding to my lack of energy and hopelessness.

We have discussed all of this and more and he is concerned, but continues to maintain his "regimen" while telling me I should just quit my job and take a break which, of course, would just add more stress to my life. Obviously, I have trouble setting boundaries, but after years of all this mounting up am feeling overwhelmed and unable to deal with much of anything. Anybody have input that might help?

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I think you said it yourself, the boundaries in your relationship are poor and i honestly don't think he's providing the things you want and need. I highly suggest marriage counseling so you can both understand what each others needs are

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You cannot take care of that many animals. You need to give most if not all to a local humane society. You also need to talk to a lawyer about what you can do to ideally unload the house from your shoulders. Finally you need to ask yourself if you married the wrong guy.

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The way you describe the situation, you sound like you're a passive observer of your own life. For instance, your father deeding the house to you- what if you had told him no? I don't think anyone can force you to accept a house. And if they do, I guess you are then within your right to simply turn around and sell it for any price. I also think that nobody is forcing you to take in or take care of that many animals. You can re-home them starting tomorrow.

 

The credit card issue is confusing, because you shouldn't need credit to live if your finances are in order. Perhaps you both need to talk to a financial adviser as well as a marriage counselor.

 

As far as his relationship with his family, I don't know that I see a problem with him having lunch on weekdays with his mother (I guess he is working during the week and that's how he chooses to spend his lunch break?) or spending time with his siblings.

 

Overall, it just sounds like you need to start taking charge of your life and standing up to anyone who tries to tell you otherwise.

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