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Want Relationship To Go Back To Previous State


kool_kid_86

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I'm in my mid 20s, and spent almost half of my life in several long term relationships. I essentially have never been alone for almost as long as I can remember as I've always treated my girlfriend as my absolute best friend. Last year, my girlfriend and I broke up, and for the first time in my life I felt lonely.

 

Shortly after my last relationship ended I met this girl and we became good friends. We would always hang out and spend time with each other. Both of us knew that the other person wasn't ready to be in another relationship, and we just viewed each other only as friends. Our relationship grew over time and we became really close (almost like casual bf/gf).

 

One evening we started talking and we started to admit we have feelings for each other, but our level of feelings were different. Mine has evolved from casual friend to romantic, where-as hers has evolved from casual friend to excellent friend. I was initially hurt that she did not return my feelings, but at the same time I understand why she would not and would actually be flat-out honoured if she did have romantic feelings for me. Even if she did have romantic feelings for me, I would never let us venture down that road as I know that both of us are not ready for another relationship.

 

My issue now is that although I feel like our relationship has a lot more 'meat' in it, I feel that we are not as well connected as before. I feel that she doesn't want to hurt my feelings, so is more careful about what she does around me so she would not mis-communicate her actions. In addition, when I saw her as a friend, I always saw her as a beautiful woman who is amazing. Now I see her as a beautiful woman who is amazing that I want to be around.

 

What I want is our relationship to go back to how it was before we shared our feelings for each other. She is working really hard on that, and I am trying too, but I feel that sometimes you just cannot go back. I feel that you can only learn from your past experience, and move forward with our current relationship.

 

Over the past days, I begin thinking back to maybe I mis-interpreted my romantic feelings for her (I have never been good at understanding my emotions, and I rarely speak to people/girlfriends about my emotions). I was thinking if it is possible that perhaps I just wanted to be very close to her as friends, but not as a bf/gf type of situation? Is that weird? I know that I want to take her to a lot of places to see the city and world, I love holding her, playing with her face, and generally spending time with her. And I am thrilled that she loves doing those exact same things back to me. I think the only thing I really want to do with her is just to squish her in my arms real tight and never let go.

 

Over my lifetime, I have had several girlfriends and friends-with-benefits. The way I feel about my current friend is how I initially felt with my previous girlfriends/friends-with-benefits. The only major difference is that my current friend is definitely she has a very different outlook in life compared to my previous partners. As a result, if we ever decide to become a couple in the future (which she thinks is highly unlikely), we would have a very rocky start.

 

I don't know what I should be doing. I want to spend time with her, and I love spending time with her, but sometimes it hurts. What are my emotions trying to tell me. Am I feeling this way about her because I am accustomed to having a girlfriend? Am I doing the right thing?

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I think the only thing I really want to do with her is just to squish her in my arms real tight and never let go.

 

She knows this, and it makes her uncomfortable because it's incompatible with a relaxed friendship.

 

Your head is chronically inside romantic relationships, and that's pretty toxic to a girl who's not interested in having that with you.

 

If you want to preserve the friendship, I'd pull back and allow her to set the tone and the timing of your contact and time spent together--or you risk suffocating her, and she'll distance herself from you.

 

You need to gain some solid ground with being solo, outside a relationship. Otherwise, you'll be perpetually seeking--and this is not attractive to women who have attained that solid ground alone or who hold it as their goal.

 

Avoid attempts to manipulate her, or she'll see right through you.

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I think in time she will develop feelings for you, If you keep doing the same things together. How long has she been broken up and how long have you?

 

She has been broken up for about year and a half, myself for almost a year.

 

 

She knows this, and it makes her uncomfortable because it's incompatible with a relaxed friendship.

 

Your head is chronically inside romantic relationships, and that's pretty toxic to a girl who's not interested in having that with you.

 

If you want to preserve the friendship, I'd pull back and allow her to set the tone and the timing of your contact and time spent together--or you risk suffocating her, and she'll distance herself from you.

 

You need to gain some solid ground with being solo, outside a relationship. Otherwise, you'll be perpetually seeking--and this is not attractive to women who have attained that solid ground alone or who hold it as their goal.

 

Avoid attempts to manipulate her, or she'll see right through you.

 

In other words, I should make sure my intentions are only as a best friend and nothing else. Even when I did start to develop romantic feelings for her, I made sure all of my intentions are only as a best friend, but I still wound up developing these feelings for her. I'm not sure if that makes any sense.

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In other words, I should make sure my intentions are only as a best friend and nothing else. Even when I did start to develop romantic feelings for her, I made sure all of my intentions are only as a best friend, but I still wound up developing these feelings for her. I'm not sure if that makes any sense.

 

Skip the 'best' part, it's presumptuous. Hang back and allow her to set the tone, because by disclosing your romantic feelings for her, you've thrown in a monkey wrench of discomfort that she may need some space and time to reconcile.

 

If you push for closeness, and she's not comfortable, you'll make this into something she's likely to decide she doesn't want to deal with. So quit the idea of deciding that you get to set the agenda--you don't. The one who's least interested in the other always holds the power, and if you try to buck that, you'll get the boot.

 

Head high, but tone down the intensity.

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It's very much like walking on eggshells. You need to let her decide, and set the stage, but you also don't want her to think you don't want to talk to her anymore.

 

It's a very difficult thing to do and, being in a similar situation, I can sympathise. Trying to tone down your feelings for someone takes a lot of time, patience, and preservence.

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