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Was I in an abusive relationship?


Lulu101

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I met my ex at 18, we were together for over 10 years until we broke up recently. I can't decide if I want to reconcile mainly due to one thing...I am not sure if te relationship was abusive.

 

My ex and I would argue over things, we argued in a very unhealthy way, name calling, raised voices etc. My ex would block me into a room if I tried to walk out when we argued, he would use his chest to stop me leaving, would push me against a wall, hold me down on the bed, grit his teeth, one two occasions he grabbed my throat. I admit I react by pushing him when he does this. He is never hugely apologetic, he says he knows it's wrong but that I'm the only person that makes him this angry essentially turning it back on me. He also lashes out punching doors, walls and breaking things.

 

He would have grown up seeing things like this, his brother would have done similar to his mother and I assume to his gf though I've never seen it. I never saw my Dad lay a hand on me or my sisters so we are coming at it from a totally different back ground.

 

He has never hurt me, just scared me. He has a lot of great points but I need to know if these are signs of a violent/abusive relationship?! Would you ever consider reconciling with someone who did this?

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Even if it isn't abusive, why would you want to get back together with someone you fight with that way?

 

I don't think it matters what we label it. I would probably call it abusive, but someone else might not. But I don't feel it matters because clearly the behavior is upsetting enough to you that you are questioning it. If everyone here says, No, that's not abusive, does that mean you will suddenly become okay with someone grabbing your throat or pinning you on the bed?

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Yes, restraining you, blocking you from leaving when you want to leave a room or the house, holding you down to the bed, putting his hands on your throat, terrorizing you by destroying the house and objects around you, that is all abusive behavior.

 

I agree with the above poster, that if you are afraid of someone, you shouldn't be with them. Relationships are not supposed to be about battering your partner either emotionally or physically or trying to force their compliance using physical force or tantrums. If it goes there, it is time to break up.

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He didn t hurt you just "scared" you for 10 years! I think you know the answer to your question, yes, his has been abusing you! I would not go back to someone, who "scares" me and can t conrtoll himself, no matter how sorry he feels later. You are afraid of him, you don t feel safe, comfortable around him, just think about! Would you like your kids to see these and grow up with this??? I don t think so...

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Crying always, we would argue over different things. We have an up and down relationship. When things are good they are great, but when bad they are awful. I suppose I'm afraid I won't meet someone else who had his good points and I have never experienced another relationship to know how to argue in a healthy way. I thought maybe his temper was an issue he might learn to control. I also think he has managed to make me think that it is normal, and by reacting myself at times he says that I am just as bad. But he is 6ft tall and far bigger than me so i always wondered how he thought it was even comparable in his mind.

 

Thanks for all the answers, I wish I had another relationship in my past to compare to as right now it seems hard to just accept that he is totally wrong for me and to move forward into the unknown.

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Look to your parents relationship, siblings relationships, look at how others behave all around you. Heck, even look and watch how normal couples behave on TV if there is no one else to compare with.

 

A good relationship doesnt contain violence, abuse, being grabbed around the throat, being held down, being trapped in a room by a bully who controls you, and it certainly doesnt contain one person being scared of the other, or what they might do to you, or what they will do next. FACT!

 

Nothing will change if you do back so dont kid yourself. Because he doesn't have to, doesn't want to, isn't sorry, doesn't care. He will be in control yet again so you will always be the one afraid of what happens next.

 

The unknown is a far better option than what you have known. Thats also a fact!

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You say you "Can't decide if you want to reconcile." Has he even asked you to get back together? If he has, then do not even think about it until he's agreed to go to anger management classes and the two of you have taken some classes on how to affectively communicate. This will ALWAYS be the way its ALWAYS been if you don't take remedial action. Don't waste anymore of your time with him if he's not pumped to do what it takes so that you two aren't toxic together.

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it seems hard to just accept that he is totally wrong for me and to move forward into the unknown.

 

Often the hardest things to do are most worth it. You ~will~ thank yourself later if you do this.

 

You must know that someone who would choke you and blame you for that isn't safe to ~be~ around, much less have a relationship with.

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I agree with catfeeder. I always hoped my ex would change and he just needed my support because his "moods" were just from insecurity but he just kept being mean again and again after each long apology. And then once he had won me back after I left his house because I couldn't take it anymore, he dumped me. It's all about control for them. You would be suprised the lengths abusive people go to get control. It's extremely selfish and dangerous to their partner's health mentally and physically. You should really ring a women's domestic violence hotline and talk to them, I think that would help you see what is going on. I'm sorry its been such a long relationship and that will be very hard to get over but he sounds dangerous and abuse just escalates. Trust me. You probably already know this as you've been with him 10 years, has it escalated? I bet it has. It will CONTINUE to do so. And that could be fatal. Get away from him.

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There is no question there was physical violence in the relationship, but that doesn't necessarily make it abusive, but in the end it doesn't really matter what we call it. What matters is that you seem to think that it is normal to have physical fights to basically express and assert your power in the relationship. Men are generally twice as strong as women, so there is a natural reaction from most people to assume that the woman is the one being abused and the man is the abuser. There seems to be a lot of pushing and grabbing on both sides, to me you both have already crossed that line that should not be crossed. It seems odd to me that you would need our opinion on whether you were abused or not. I don't think you were in an abusive relationship, I do think you were in a relationship where both parties believed violence is a normal way to settle disagreements.

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By definition, physical violence in a relationship is abusive.

 

No it is not abusive if both parties engage in the violence and think it is a normal way to assert yourself, even if one is stronger and the other usually gets the brunt of the fight. If you pick a physical fight with someone and you get your ass kicked it doesn't mean you were abused. Abuse is a word that tends to be grossly overused to the point where almost anything can be considered abuse and I think that is a disservice to the people who are actually abused.

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>>No it is not abusive if both parties engage in the violence and think it is a normal way to assert yourself,

 

Yes, it is abusive, and in that cause you just have two abusers abusing each other. Assault is still legally assault even if both people are pounding on each other. And in this case, the OP was engaging in classic abuse choking her around her neck, restraining her, pinning her to the bed etc. She could file charges for that. Restraining someone when they try to leave a house/room and preventing them from leaving when they try can also lead to charges of kidnapping etc.

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Physical violence is abusive no matter who does it or how experienced they are with it or how knowledgeable they are about it.

 

When abuse runs both ways, it's double the abuse.

 

There's no euphemizing 'around' it--there's no justification for physical violence of any kind--from anyone.

 

Walk away. While you can.

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Physical violence is abusive no matter who does it or how experienced they are with it or how knowledgeable they are about it.

 

When abuse runs both ways, it's double the abuse.

 

There's no euphemizing 'around' it--there's no justification for physical violence of any kind--from anyone.

 

Walk away. While you can.

 

I'm not euphemizing anything, or even condoning, or justifying it, in fact quite the opposite, I'm just saying it is not abuse. Abuse here means there is a power dynamic to it, where one lives in fear of the other and the one is able to use that fear to exert control in the relationship. (usually) Abuse doesn't run both ways. When both parties believe in violence to exert power in the relationship then it is just an argument turning into a brawl. It is still a terrible and potentially dangerous thing to happen inside the home, it is just not abuse. If you go to the bar even if you're a small guy and pick fights with bigger guys and get your ass kicked you still cant convince me that the little guy is the one who is being abused.

 

From what I can tell, I can only go by what she is telling us, is that she got herself into a brawl with her boyfriend, I'm not going to call it anything else. She is not any less responsible for her actions than her bf even if she might be physically weaker. If women want equality they need to be held just as accountable for their actions as men are. I have little interest in picking apart the fight and the exactly moment where you can say "Ah! there is where the abuse happened, when he grabbed her throat", when they both had been pushing and grabbing at leach other. If you don't want to get into a brawl then don't be a willing participant.

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Dating abuse is a pattern of abusive behaviour exhibited by one or both partners in a dating relationship. The behaviour may include, but is not limited to; physical abuse; psychological abuse; and sexual abuse.

 

Physical abuse is an act of another party involving contact intended to cause feelings of physical pain, injury, or other physical suffering or bodily harm.

 

link removed[

 

Just one definition. I don't see anything productive or beneficial in splitting hairs over who supposedly owns more power during any given second of an abusive encounter.

 

You can do that if you wish, but I don't see the value.

 

Violence is a dealbreaker. Walk away from it, and frankly, it won't matter what you choose to call it from a safe and healthy distance.

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So if a guy blocks a woman into a room and she slugs him to try to break free and get away = it means she is an equal participant, and if she cowers towards him, it means she is abused? Come on now. If a guy was on top of me choking my neck, I sure as heck would try to kick him in the knees or swing at him to SAVE MY LIFE.

 

Yes, arguments are arguments. Some people have stormy relationships = but that is so different from someone confining another person and CHOKING them. People who just have stormy relationships stomp out the door on eachother. They don't strangle each other.

 

And she didn't deserve it.

 

The point now is to encourage her to never go back. It is not something for someone to take. Get a hold on her arguing style, for sure, but GET AWAY.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Sounds a lot like a previous relationship of mine. Believe me it will get so much easier to see it for what it was just give it a little time!! Think of yourself and throw yourself into new, fun things. The sort of behavior you are describing will only get worse in all likelihood! X

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