Failed in life

[scared2013]

Let's start by telling everyone why I failed in life....I was married to the perfect husband, best friend, father for 14years! I threw him, my life and my kids sense of security away for my selfishness! I got married young after only a short period of knowing him but I needed security and love. He did all that. He gave me a home, a family! Did he love me yes! But did I truly love him? I thought I did for many many years. We had a house, laughter, kids...a family that I actually belonged to! So why do I left others in? After 10 years in I developed a friendship with a guy who was younger who actually was just a friend at first. But then one day things changed and feelings were developing at least on my side... I was so scared and confused I cried all the time when I was alone which was a lot since my husband worked 2 full time jobs. Then I got busted and we basically sweep it under the rug and decided to try again. I hadn't cheated sexually but emotionally I did! So we went on another 4 years and it happen again I met a guy that I had this instant connection with and I tried so hard to fight it. Until one day I caved! We started talking and texting about everything and anything. I asked for a divorce bc I knew something was wrong with me! Something I couldn't seem to shake and I didn't want to hurt my husband by screwing around behind his back. We separated fairly quick and I began a relationship with this other man. And I haven't forgiven myself! I don't know how? Or where to begin!! I was so insecure...never thought I was pretty enough, smart enough, thin enough or funny enough for anyone to really love me! I never felt safe....I was always afraid of the other shoe dropping and my life being taken away that I beat them to the punch and took it away from myself. I let myself keep one foot out the door now too...because I am scared! Scared to feel, to let go, to let people in!!!

I am just realizing that I am selfish! I tore my kids world apart for my needs and not theirs! I didn't think about their needs or fears! I am there mom and they are suppose to trust me and count on me!! I am not a good mother! I am like my mom! Someone I never wanted to be!!! I guess I have closed off and hidden my feelings because I am so mad and disappointed in myself! I choose to leave. I choose to be selfish. I choose to tear their whole security away from them. I am a horrible person and I deserve to be unhappy and alone!

This man came into my life and I didn't need to be pretty,smart,funny! He looked at me different. Our connection was instant and I can't explain it! But again I am one foot out bc I am scared to death! Scared that I already let one amazing man go so why do I deserve someone who yes makes me feel good and safe but I also know he isn't the one! He isn't my best friend! He isn't who I want to call and tell things to. But I don't know if I don't want him to be or if I am scared and pushing him away and not letting him be bc I am so afraid of what people think and say! My friends tell me he isn't cute enough for me. Are looks really everything?? He is a great guy! Dedicated father, amazing son! But I don't see him at my kids functions or in my house doing family things with them because I still feel that is only their fathers place! And their father and I are such good friends now that I don't want to hurt him or upset him or rub his face in this relationship. I still care and love him so much. But I am broken and he deserves so much better than me! That's why I ended it so suddenly. He deserves better than I can give him. Someone he can trust and someone who loves him just as much as he loves me!

 

Scared and broken

[savignon]

I think you're coming to some important realizations in your life. Instead of deciding between this guy or that guy, focus on yourself, why you have such low self esteem, why you'd let your whimsical decisions directly impact your children's lives, why you're turning out to be someone you didn't want to become. Get some therapy and fix yourself.

You talk about upheaving your kids' lives, an inability to be alone, a damaged self esteem, abandoning your husband and best friend throughout 2 affairs and after all of that, your question is about whether or not this new guy is cute enough for you???? Seriously???

Get some help....you deserve it.

[bulletproof]

You are self-aware enough to recognize what your issues are. Why not fix them? You seem to be saying that these are the problems, and that you're just inherently flawed and that's that. But that's not true. There is always a way to improve and be the person you want to be. Please find a really good therapist or you will continue to do this to yourself and the people you love. And make sure they know (especially your kids) that you are sorry you've hurt them. Might be a good idea to stay single for a while, too.

[catfeeder]

It's not about the new guy. I agree with the people who've suggested therapy so you can learn to give to yourself exactly what you believe you need to seek from someone else.

 

If you can get to that place, you'll start to make good decisions, and you'll trust them.

 

So will your children.

 

I'd stop messing with guys until you get to that place. It takes as long as it takes.