(leave your two year on-off relationship after the tone)

[jphcbpa]

...and met someone else.

 

Claro, not like meeting someone else is the be-all-end-all. One step at a time, etc.

But I cleared out old crap to make room for something real...

and an inch taller, a cuter smile and a stronger heart showed up.

 

Well, damn.

 

#universeislistening

 

 

Isaiah 43:

18 “Forget the former things;

do not dwell on the past.

19 See, I am doing a new thing!

Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?

I am making a way in the wilderness

and streams in the wasteland.

[sadpuppie]

wow...loved this thread and your writing style.

really happy for you and the stronger heart that came your way, you deserve all of it.

stay strong

[mustard1234]

@ jph that meant so, so very much.

thank you.

[mustard1234]

@SP

 

haha. gratzie.

appreciate your support and so looking forward to the next sweet adventure.

[mustard1234]

So, it happened.

 

He contacted me last week.

 

I was literally shaking and threw the phone under my bed for several hours. No really. At least 3 hours, lol.

 

Combination of dreading that call and hoping desperately for it for...a year. A year, tho?

 

As usual he acknowledged absolutely nothing that I said on his answering machine last winter. He was at least polite enough to start with "I respect your space and we don't have to talk if you don't want to."

 

Did I want to? That was a nuanced and oddly difficult question.

 

A lot of things have happened in the meantime. Mainly various catalysts for my improved self-esteem.

Lots of internal work, a brief and absolutely restorative time spent with a Sicilian lover that has redefined absolutely everything for me (raised standards, higher expectations of anything with a penis that wants my sexual/emotional attention, total paradigm shift on what it feels like to be valued/desired/cherished/pursued even in the very early stages. Ooooh, that was a good time lol) and then some business gains that help me crystalize the "where I'm headed" thing. General life progress n' shet.

 

Overall, I'm just in a stronger and healthier and waaaaaaay less needy of a place. Which Cowboy hasn't seen me in for ages.

I congratulated him on a few things he mentioned. I let him know that I wish him well. And then I reminded him that nothing has changed since February except for my willingness to let him make a mess of my life every time he touches it. Then I hung up.

 

Guys...this is like a junkie turning down a dimebag. This is huge.

 

It feels strange. To not need him anymore. To not have felt a tug toward anyone that's nearly as strong as what I felt for him. It honestly worries me that I won't find it again...that level of ease and chemistry and pure enjoyment I felt in his presence. I totally still love that kid, the first few minutes of hearing his voice on the phone made me cry and smile and an overall feeling of smelling your mom's baking after coming home from a long time away. It was so delicious and good. But I also know he is absolute turpentine for my particular spirit (laced with sugar and fruit punch coloring) and the only place I end up is really fat from emotional binge eating in his wake (pizza heals all wounds, haven't you heard?) and totally decimating my savings accounts to keep up with his adventure streak. It's never good. Never real. Never ever ever worth it in the long run.

 

So, here it is. Not as victorious of a feeling as I would like to imagine. His response and attempt to spark things up again is exactly what I've expected in the pattern and I'd be lying if I said it didn't feel good to hear from him and have him try. I'm still looking for something that makes me think "yes. this. permanently" with a man and is also healthy. It's becoming far less important to my daily happiness to have it, though. Which is good. Being a grownup is hard, yo.

 

In sum, progress is messy. I am stronger. I am still single (we're entering year 4. CRIKEYBLIMEYDAMN). I told the yo-yo man of my former dreams to bugger off. Progress.

 

...so, I totally get a trophy for all this, yeah?

 

 

[kbbcoop77]

Wow it is true what they say..if they come back, they come back AFTER you have healed enough to know you don't want them back...

This was a great conclusion to this thread. Victory!

[mhowe]

You totally get a trophy ----- how about the pizza of your dreams, minus the calories?

 

Nicely done. All of it.

[mustard1234]

@kbb

 

True story.

I think that in the acopaclyptic never event that he was sincerely interested in something legit, I would be very very hard pressed to say no. But, that's definitely not what this was. I asked him directly what his intent was and what he wanted. He said .

 

Right, see that pause where ANYTHING should have happened? It didn't. It never ever ever does with him.

 

I feel sad that it's the same old story with the Cowboy but really happy that I'm somewhat evolved past the same cycle I've been in since before the Obama administration started, lol.

 

Appreciate the encouragement. For real.

[mustard1234]

@mhowe

 

 

[Batya33]

Good job! Very hard to do, I know.

[mhowe]

I am a firm believer in the healing power of pizza.

[mustard1234]

Getting a thumbs up from batya is a big, big deal

 

Appreciated

[mustard1234]

@mhowe

 

i just completely disturbed a complete room of strangers.

completely.

[mhowe]

@mhowe

 

i just completely disturbed a complete room of strangers.

completely.

 

 

Then my work here is done

[faraday]

You did so AWESOME!!!

 

My ex contacted me after I was healed too. Told me he loved me. Turns out he had just been dumped. Asshat. Boys are dumb. Time to date men, hey?

 

I'm glad you came back and updated...and I'm so glad to hear that you've healed and found other, better, penises. There are so many great penises out there. You'll find one worth keeping around

 

Just...keep hopping on?

[sky09]

my curiosity got the best of me and i looked up your thread history. this is not the beatles guy but somebody else. did you conquer that one yet?

[laelithia]

This thread is exactly what I needed right now. You're my hero!

[mustard1234]

@faraday

 

Made my week. I can't stop laughing everytime I get to "hop on".

 

Dios...that's so funny.

 

lmao

[mustard1234]

@sky

 

I mean, haven't had any contact with beatles kid since 2011. If he ever spoke to me I would turn to dust. If I ever saw him I'd really, really, really have a hard time. The emotional stretch marks of it...I'll put my money on them being visible forever.

 

So, like, "conquer" is a rather strong word. Moved on with life and no longer impeded by it, sure. But there's domino effects still (eg: I've been single ever since and a major reason this happened with Cowboy is because I was so thirsty to dive into someone who remembered me and who I was from back before I broke).

 

It is what it is, I guess. Sorta like going from emotional powder to emotional paste to something semi-functional...all a process, ya dig?

[sky09]

 

It is what it is, I guess. Sorta like going from emotional powder to emotional paste to something semi-functional...all a process, ya dig?

 

Gotcha. Learning to live a single life here as well. You have quite a history of threads on here, btw lol

[mustard1234]

@sky

 

lol, having lived through every single page, snot rag and paragraph...i certainly know.

 

i'm really proud of all the narratives that have gotten me to this place. i'm a lot smarter and stronger and my capacity for empathy is impossibly greater than when i started. it's been nearly a decade of learning and getting the shet kicked out of me and listening and figuring out, essentially, what the entire fck. You know?

 

very grateful for the ENA community and space to work these things out in publiprivate and learn from other posters/responses. there's a few universal standards and cycles that happen a lot in relationships that i would have no idea how to even grasp if not for the people here. it's a long haul and this is really a sacred space for me, personally.

 

cheers to you on your journey and learning as well. this is a damn good place for it, as im sure youve seen

 

 

 

[mustard1234]

@laelithia

 

gratzie. love and a high five to ya in your journey

[overthemoon86]

WAHOOO!! Victory, you go girl! That is fantastic and congratulations on staying strong

 

Cheers to that!

[mustard1234]

@moon

 

too kind, ma cher. too kind.

ive been checking in with myself and it still feels good

strange and sad...but good.