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My ex and I as "friends" ...? Updae


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So we were around each other a lot today and he's texted me several times about dumb things. I didn't text back but I did end up responding in person to both things but pretty nonchalantly. We had a concert to perform and I paid him no mind except when he said something directly to me. It was fine I guess. We interacted and that was that but we were nice.

 

So then the group and I decided to go hang out at the bar afterwards. To be nice (and honestly to see what he would say), I texted my ex "Come and hang with us at (the bar) if you're feeling up to it!" I wasn't expecting a response but he just texted back "Eh.." I wasn't going to respond but I ended up some time after saying "ok! Enjoy your night"

 

I shouldn't have invited him out but I wanted to see what he would do.

 

What do you guys think...

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What do i think? You're putting out bait to see if he still is interested in you, i don't think it's healthy to invite him to events. You also should most certainly not be the one to approach him about "hanging out" I sense some ulterior motives on your half...

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I think it's a bad idea.. You try to act nonchalant about this, but the mere fact that you come to this forum to ask advice about it indicates you have ulterior motives, like toby said. Remember, expectation will only make you end up dissapointed.

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You're not "friends" until you can hang out with him and a new girlfriend and feel absolutely nothing.

 

You only just had sex with him a week or so ago. You're texting him and hanging out with him. If your goal is to get over him, I suggest you stop all this contact and give yourself some time to REALLY heal and move on. If your goal is to reconcile, I suggest you give him a chance to see what it's like NOT to have you right there waiting as an emotional/sexual safety net.

 

Here's a guide that will help you: link removed

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I'm not exactly sure what I want. In public/at the concert last night (both musicians), he was the one speaking directly to me/initiating all the contact to me. I did reply but it would be brief and I would go back to talking to our other friends. All the texts he sent I never reply to. So I figured, what do I have to lose by asking him to hang out with our mutual friends? If I had pushed it, he probably would have come. He doesn't really do anything unless he feels really invited, but I didn't want to push it. I just opened up the idea.

 

Of course I miss him. It's like a hill of emotional days, sometimes I'm great and sometimes I'm not. And of course I'd love him to come back to me. Sure. I threw out bait. But was it really that detrimental if I didn't think he would come? I had a great time with friends and am thankful that I even have them in my life.

 

I guess eventually down the road I would like to talk to him as more than friends but for right now, I was letting him do all the initiating because at this moment in time I don't NEED him back. I'm perfectly happy as I am now.

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What you're doing is giving him access to you emotionally, socially and sexually.... while he gradually adjusts to the breakup. You're holding his hand through the whole thing. He hasn't had to miss you or face the loss of having you in his life.

 

Sure, it FEELS better to stay in contact and even have sex with your ex after the breakup... it keeps the pain away (temporarily)..... but you're not helping yourself to heal from the breakup OR making him face the consequences of his decision.... for you, it's a lose / lose.

 

For him? It's a win / win -- he gets to hang out, have sex, contact you whenever he wants -- basically enjoying your company WHILE HE LOOKS FOR HIS NEXT GIRLFRIEND.

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I guess I figured since we weren't having sex/talking it would be okay, but I can see where hanging out is a bad idea.....

 

It's hard to avoid each other completely but I've managed it this week up until yesterday. I didn't text him or go up to him to speak or anything, so I at least know I can manage.

 

I guess it also really sucks because valentines day is next Friday and I hate thinking about that.

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You ARE having sex, as of a few days ago.

 

It's hard to believe you actually think that you'd invite him to "hang out" without possibly ending up sleeping together at this point?

 

All your posts are "I guess" and "I don't know how it happened" and "I don't know what it means" and "I don't know what I want".... Girl, take some RESPONSIBILITY!!

 

I think you're playing dumb as a way of giving yourself permission to continue contact, in hopes that it will lead to reconcilliation. And the truth is? You're free to do what you want. But at least own it! And KNOW that what you do has an effect.... right now, you're holding his hand through this breakup and keeping him from missing you.... and keeping yourself from healing.

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Well actually the truth is that I honestly don't know what I want....I've been talking to this guy who I've been friends with for a while and I'm enjoying that so much more. Parts of me want my ex back but the other parts want me to explore the option of this relationship in the future.

 

You're right I shouldn't have asked him to hang out. We all would have just been hanging out at the bar so I thought it would be okay. Oh well. I will just have to learn from that mistake.

 

I never really thought of it as playing dumb because I haven't been talking to him. We were forced into this setting on Friday because of our major. The lot of us were waiting for the first half of the concert to end since we were only on the second half. I spoke to him then if he spoke to me and I thought that woke be okay.

 

I mean do you suggest me to just ignore him completely??

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You're probably right....

 

How do I know when I know? I wouldn't know what to do either way.

 

If I decided I didn't want him back, what should I do? If I decided I would love the opportunity to reconcile, how should I go about doing that?

 

Despite going through so much with him I feel so inexperienced on how to handle everything and really do appreciate any and all advice.

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As of right now I feel like I would like the opportunity of reconciliation. When we broke up the first time, it was forced NC because we were in two different places. Then after a month of not seeing each other we finally ran into one another at school and BAM. Everything changed.

 

I don't know what to do know since I see him a lot and I already made he mistake of sleeping with him and telling him I want to be friends...

 

I feel like I just mess everything up.

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As of right now I feel like I would like the opportunity of reconciliation. When we broke up the first time, it was forced NC because we were in two different places. Then after a month of not seeing each other we finally ran into one another at school and BAM. Everything changed.

 

I don't know what to do know since I see him a lot and I already made he mistake of sleeping with him and telling him I want to be friends...

 

I feel like I just mess everything up.

 

 

I guess eventually down the road I would like to talk to him as more than friends but for right now, I was letting him do all the initiating because at this moment in time I don't NEED him back. I'm perfectly happy as I am now.

 

The above is what you posted earlier today.

 

You're ignoring your own needs by making this man out to be your entire world, so to speak. Where do you see the prize in someone who cheated on you?

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As of right now I feel like I would like the opportunity of reconciliation. When we broke up the first time, it was forced NC because we were in two different places. Then after a month of not seeing each other we finally ran into one another at school and BAM. Everything changed.

 

I don't know what to do know since I see him a lot and I already made he mistake of sleeping with him and telling him I want to be friends...

 

I feel like I just mess everything up.

 

It's very obvious you want to get back together. That's why you've stayed in contact, hung out and have been having sex with him, although all along you've claimed "I don't know what I want." Obviously -- you're sleeping with him in hopes of changing his mind.

 

The thing is, you're not helping yourself by doing this. You're not helping yourself to move on -- and you're basically offering yourself to him emotionally and physically WHILE HE MOVES ON.

 

You're not making him face what he's lost. You're taking the way that FEELS easiest.... but it's not going to get you what you want in the end.

 

Anyhow, I'm done. Best of luck with it.

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