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I really found it difficult to get over the feeling of self-neglect but there are some things I’d like to say that can hopefully help if not just a little. If I were to ask you "what is the part about you which you love the most?" the most attractive aspect of you what would you say? don’t tell me “Why would I love myself?” because there's plenty of reasons to...

 

It’s really quite odd how so many of us have such little sense of what it means to have love and acceptance for what WE are. And I want to get this out of the way, don’t love yourself to the point of being a narcissist. It’s a very un-relatable topic to me, one’s healthy and one is not. Trust me, it’s not selfish to show love for yourself and accept the flaws in others. I’ve been there and I can say that it’s being selfish to NOT love yourself. Without loving yourself you prevent others from doing the same.

 

This feeling of no self-worth from my experiences often occurred when I concluded that I was not good enough for my ex, or a failure. Most people I’ve seen on here are hard on themselves to the point of self-destruction. I have to admit that WAS me, The amount of pressure I would put on myself to be what others wanted led me to believe I wasn’t a person of value, I wasn’t worthy of love. One thing I kept telling myself through this was to be confident, to many days are going to be wasted if you are constantly comparing yourself to others and hoping you can be someone you’re not. EVERY person has their own set of strengths and weaknesses, their own good and their own bad. Once you can accept all of that in yourself and once you find someone who accepts all of that in you as well you will truly be happy.

 

Way to often would I do things to please others, because in a lot of ways that was the only time I felt I was good enough to be loved, most of the time I’m conscientious, thoughtful, and like to help others, which is great. But it becomes a problem when I couldn’t see those traits in myself without having to literally hear it from others. In some ways it was an ego boost for me looking at how I could make others love me when in actuality the only person I needed to prove that to was ME.

 

Once I started to grasp onto more self-acceptance, that feedback wouldn’t be so important. I’m now able to go through my life without needing this affirmation of what it takes to be a person worthy of love. Only finding self-respect through others eyes is in no ways real self-respect, it’s only disrespectful to you. Would you ever go up to someone and tell them they can’t be loved unless they get your stamp of approval? No? Then why should you do that to yourself?

 

Let me give an example of how this has changed me…

 

I recently volunteered at a feed my starving children packaging site. I didn't do this because I felt people would go out of their way to commend me on it, in fact I didn’t really tell anyone about it unless they specifically asked. I did this because I would commend someone who did it, I wanted to commend myself and guess what? I felt really good, I didn’t waste away a night playing video games and instead I helped someone in need.

 

Without self-love I can honestly say I may have not even done this and if I did it would be for all the wrong reasons. I’d be doing it to prove to others that I’m a good person but instead I did it because I wanted to do something I could respect myself for, it’s that warm fuzzy feeling you get when you help an old lady cross the street or hold a door open for someone and get a friendly smile. While the confirmation can be nice it shouldn’t be NECESSARY.

 

Of course I’m still stumbling down this path and tripping up along the way but I really am getting better. Regaining my confidence and the ability to really love who I am is one of the best things to ever happen to me. I guess, in a way, I have to thank my ex for breaking up and letting me “see the light” because I really am a better person from all of this. I’ve learned so much and I feel more happy than I have in a long time and I wouldn’t go back to change anything because I’m with who I am and what I’ve done.

 

(more to come...)

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Good for you toby! I want to add something I have noticed about myself through all this:

 

I tend to be nice to everyone. A lot of people have told me they appreciated the good talk and thought we connected. It is not a connection in fact, it is me bending myself backwards to avoid conflict. That way everyone I talk to thinks I'm so nice and we get along so well. In relationships, I am always so scared to rock the boat. And all relationships I had confirmed this fear: When I would stand up for myself and my needs, it ended in my partner withdrawing affection and eventually breakup (over stupid issues like, I once said I would like it if my ex spent a little more time with me and a little less with her friends - she hung out there 3 times a week for hours).

I'd rather be an easygoing person and not 'nag' about everything or searching conflict. When someone's opinion is opposite to mine, I almost never dare to stand up for it. I just keep silent then.

The one person I'm not nice to is myself. Because of all the bending backwards my spine has pretty much deformed and there isnt much of a spine left. It has led me upto a point where I became everything other people wanted me to be, but not knowing who I am. An identity crisis perhaps even.. But now I am aware of it, I'm going to take myself in consideration a little more and stand up for me.!

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Nice post toby. You actually touch on something that has been bothering me.

 

People usually say after BU, cheated, dumped, whatever, to go and have a sport, hobby, work on ourselves. My problem is (and I'm sure I'm not the only one) I already did all that BEFORE the BU. I was doing volunteer work, learning english, running/playing soccer. So if I was already doing those remomended things, where do I go from there? They don't have the desired effect because I was already doing them... they actually had the opposite effect at some point, because they enhanced in me the unfairness and uselessness feelings.

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Nice post toby. You actually touch on something that has been bothering me.

 

People usually say after BU, cheated, dumped, whatever, to go and have a sport, hobby, work on ourselves. My problem is (and I'm sure I'm not the only one) I already did all that BEFORE the BU. I was doing volunteer work, learning english, running/playing soccer. So if I was already doing those remomended things, where do I go from there? They don't have the desired effect because I was already doing them... they actually had the opposite effect at some point, because they enhanced in me the unfairness and uselessness feelings.

 

I totally second you about the unfairness feelings. I too always did volunteering and did sports,.. And sometimes it's like "I'm a good person, you know, why cant anybody stay in love with me?" I guess life's a b*tch. I would like to see it more optimistic and with all the "what is meant to be" shizzle, but sometimes it is really difficult. Life is hard. Having a significant other can be such a great support. In fact of all things in life I value a relationship the most. And now I'm afraid I'll never get over my ex or dont find anyone who can measure up with her and will be alone forever....

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While my break up/reconciliation is far in the past, I have.found the."pay it forward" concept to work. Recently, I had a client refer another potential client. Normally, we charge an hourly rate for a review/recommendation. I realized the was little I could do, but spent a. hour giving her advice e.and a plan to work. And I don't charge her. She was astounded... but she just seemed like a genuine.person and I knew that a little of my time would help.

 

I left feeling like...if more people did such small.acts...how much nicer would the planet be?

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I totally second you about the unfairness feelings. I too always did volunteering and did sports,.. And sometimes it's like "I'm a good person, you know, why cant anybody stay in love with me?" I guess life's a b*tch. I would like to see it more optimistic and with all the "what is meant to be" shizzle, but sometimes it is really difficult. Life is hard. Having a significant other can be such a great support. In fact of all things in life I value a relationship the most. And now I'm afraid I'll never get over my ex or dont find anyone who can measure up with her and will be alone forever....

 

Sorry to hear you struggling lucha, just remember what you want and what you don't want. You dont want to be codependent and you want to love yourself as im sure you already know so keep working on self improvement!

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