Is it even a good idea for me to approach this girl anymore? (Help Needed)

[R3d Anonymous]

WARNING: This is a long post because I have a lot of problems with this. I am sorry if I take a lot of your time.

 

Before you ask, I am 16 years old. There's this one girl I sort of find attractive in my orchestra class that I have been trying to talk to after class for weeks (but keep wimping out, of course). However, I am not going for ANYTHING more than friends at this point because I am not allowed to date. You may ask, "Why even approach her then?" Well, I figured that even just having a female friend would be cool because I am getting sick of being lonely and am going insane because of it. I want to break out of this shell. And also, I just want to escape this impenetrable wimping out in front of girls and get used to it.

 

So it's not like I am even trying to ask this girl out on a date. I just want to be her friend. I was thinking one night a few days back, "Man, you HAVE to say something. I don't care if it's retarded. You talk to her, okay? NO wimping out! Because YOLO." That day I tried the YOLO approach.

 

What ended up happening was I asked her, "Hey, so how's your monday?" After her reply, I asked her if she was happy about the early school closing today and she was like, "Yes, very happy." I was GOING to talk to her more, but she seemed like she was busy or something so I didn't get to. I didn't even get to say, "Alright, I will see you later," like I usually do and I have a feeling it was because she was feeling awkward (I mean she was smiling, but looking away even though I kept my eyes on her face). I noticed that while I was nervous as ***** I was able to keep my eyes on her face and I don't believe I was fidgeting on the outside, so that's good.

 

What I am upset about, is I feel SO retarded doing that. It felt like she was probably thinking, "Um why the **** did this random dude just come out of nowhere and ask me about my monday and if I was 'happy' about the early closing? Then he just walked away...lol creep." I have a feeling that part of the reason I didn't get to keep talking to her was because of me thinking that she was thinking that because I obviously have no social skills.

 

So I thought a good solution might be to go up to her the next day and ask her if she wants to be a violist in my quintet that I am arranging because I want to do some volunteering and we (me, my parents, guidance counselor) figured it would be a good idea for me to arrange a quintet and play at some sort of medical or senior center. I thought it would be good then since I would have a bit of a “purpose” for walking up to her.

 

The next day I wasn't in orchestra because of a math contest. The day after was a snow day. Yesterday she was with her friends (otherwise, I was so close to asking her), and today I wimped out...like this is just so frustrating. No matter how much I try to be confident, tell myself that she's just human, whatever, I always get this nervous feeling. Not only that, when reality comes and she's like 5 feet away from me, I get super intimidated and flee. That's why 19/20 times I don't even approach girls, and there's a LOT of insecurities of mine contributing to this:

 

1. I have no reputation in school. People joke about me and make fun of me sometimes and it's because I used to be really weid and annoying back in middle and elementary school, and last year, and until now I haven't been social due to preoccupation with other stuff. I never got that many friends because of it. I only have a few friends, who are all more more less on the same boat as me. What I am worried about is that if I approach her, she will laugh at me as a way to make fun of me. That's what I felt like when I tried to start a conversation 4 days ago as described above. I had a feeling that she was sort of making fun of me for approaching her and asking her such a stupid question by her smiling and, "Oh, I am very happy," but I am not sure. EDIT: Yeah, that's actually another thing. A girl smiling at me throws me off and in some cases, I find it threatening because I feel like she's smiling because she thinks it's silly that someone like me is approaching her. In another words, I feel like I am being made fun of when they smile at me.

 

2. My failure 4 days ago...yeah...I feel like if I approach her again, I will come off as a creep because I have already tried and failed.

 

3. She's always with her friends and there's no time I can do it except after orchestra is over which is an extremely small time window and then again, she's always with her friend there too. I would have to literally "catch her" walking alone which only comes in really brief periods of time.

 

4. I am only 5'3" (expected height is 5'5" and an average-looking Indian. Let's face it, a girl is more likely to accept a taller guy.

 

5. I feel like she will think, "Why is this dude talking to ME? He likes me of course." This has been a big reason honestly. This whole notion of her thinking, "Why ME?" That's why I didn't ask her to be my violist. She would think, "Why ME, out of ALL these others?" People say, just say, "Hi." But I feel like she will be creeped out and think, "Um okay, why is he talking to me...THIS...kid..." It goes back to the fact that I have a bad reputation too. And becausd of it, I am afraid to show that I like her becaude I feel like she will judge me.

 

6. It doesn't help that my stomach always knots up and have accelerated heart rate every time I am about to talk to her. And I have little to no experience with this so I am bound to mess up.

 

7. I don't know what to talk about. Seriously, this is also a problem. I am not a great conversationalist. I can say "hi" and stuff but that's about it. It's funny, because whenever I ask for advice, they say, just say "hi". But WHAT do I do after that? The rare times I even have the nerve to walk up to a girl and talk to her, it doesn't last longer than 2 lines from each side.

 

And these are problems I have whenever I have a crush on a girl. Regardless, they keep telling me, “Go for it. Man up. If you don’t, someone else will,” or, “You will never know unless you talk to her,” and my insecurities still beat out all of these words of encouragement. But I am here to ask, have I already screwed it up too much and is there literally nothing I can do with this girl...and really until college for that matter? Or if there is, what do I do? How do I talk to her knowing that I already screwed it up the other day?

 

And I am starting to get worried, what will become of me in the future if this continues since I will have no experience talking to girls?

 

UPDATE: This was written before my mom by chance happened to give me some advice on self-confidence. No, I did not tell her about this, but she saw my report card and I had really great teacher comments and so she was talking about a lot of stuff and told me to not be so scared of everyone. "Before because you used to behave that way, kids made fun of you, but now you're a sensible and smart person. Don't worry too much about what other people think. Be confident." Here's the problem. While I really appreciate these encouraging words, STILL, NOTHING suppresses that awful nervous feeling when that girl is 3 feet away from me. No matter how hard I try to tell myself not to worry or whatever, I still either wimp out.

 

And really, it's so hard to just be "confident". I don't know how to do it. I don't mass-produce confidence like other men do, lol.

 

So girls (and guys if you want), should I still try to talk to her even after this week's failure to hold a conversation, or have I blown it? And if so HOW? There are a LOT of problems here. It's not just my lack of confidence or whatever. It's the fact that this girl is only in my orchestra class and plays a different instrument. It's not like a class where it's easy to talk to people. I have to literally catch her at the perfect time to make sure she's not with her friends and that almost never happens, and when it does, I wimp out. And again, even if I do find her alone, then we have my problem of not knowing what to say at all after "hi" or whatever.

 

I am just worried that if I don't expose myself to this, it's only going to get harder and harder later in life when people actually expect you to be confident. Right now, it's not THAT big of a deal, because a lot of people are actually sort of on the same boat as me, it seems. But then again, not as bad of a boat as me!

[junebug123]

I'm going to be very honest, i just read the part about you being 16 and skipped to the end, i didn't even bother to skim it because there was probably just too much unnecessary information here. To be honest, when you are 16 you experience with girls, young or old is very limited you will think that it is never an appropriate time to talk to a girl and you will be nervous for all the wrong reasons. Also, females at this age are equally nervous so there will be a lot of miscommunication and confusion about who likes who and even when two 16 yO's do like each other, they still don't know what do on dates, etc.

 

So, on to the point. If you want to talk to a girl, then talk to her regardless of any earlier problems and miscommunication, just be brave and be honest. If she turns you down, well then that's life, however, you will have learned a very important skill from it all. Which is, rejection doesn't kill you, it only makes you stronger.

[junebug123]

And really, it's so hard to just be "confident". I don't know how to do it. I don't mass-produce confidence like other men do, lol.

 

ok, now i have read through it all and see what the problem is. You are scared to talk to this girl, well you are going to be scared about a lot of things in life. Your first job, your first experience driving, getting a girl pregnant, getting into a fight. Yet, these things will all happen in their own time, it is really up to you as to when they happen and if you allow them to happen. You just have to get over the initial fear, you ever heard of faking confidence? Just take the plunge, no one is confident to jump off a 30 foot cliff for the first time, but people do it anyways, girls too.

[R3d Anonymous]

So, on to the point. If you want to talk to a girl, then talk to her regardless of any earlier problems and miscommunication, just be brave and be honest.

 

I am not so focused on just asking her out though. For right now, I just want to be her friend, at least for now. Though, I feel like the way to get there is very similar. You still gotta approach her and stuff. The only difference here is that I want to allow myself to get friend-zoned and this is for two reasons. One being that I am not actually allowed to date (I could actually use some help with this too. I am not at all comfortable talking to my parents about this AT ALL. I hate talking about my love life with them and always avoid the topic because I feel stupid when I do), and two, I feel like relationships that start as solid friendships first are better anyway. Basically, I am not the kind of guy to just ask out a girl I don't know. I want to get to know her first before making any moves.

 

But that's not really an issue. I just gotta be careful not to flirt too much. However, you say that, "Basically you are scared to talk to this girl," but that's because of those 7 problems that I don't know what to do about. Some of them, I actually need a solution for. For example, catching her alone when she has time. That is actually required. I can't just go up to her when she's with her friends or when she's in a rush to be somewhere.

[junebug123]

I can't just go up to her when she's with her friends or when she's in a rush to be somewhere.

 

If you want to be her friend, why is this a problem. It seems like you are just using being her friend as an excuse to become something more. Girls, especially at that age are totally obvilous to your intentions and they will see you as a friend and nothing more if you don't make your intentions known early. They think you are not interested in them phsycially because if you were, you would try to date them instead of just being their friend.

 

Anyways, i think the problem with not being allowed to date is probably going to be a real deal breaker for any girl. Your best bet is to just try and sneak it behind your parents back or just not date at all, and if you want to be this girl's friend you have to find some common ground and work with that. Find something you both like or something you similarly share and let that be the bonding point and grow from there. As for getting her attention all you have to do is just smile, wave hello and say hi when you are passing her in the halls, it's not complicated.

[R3d Anonymous]

Yeah I have always wondered. How DO people sneak it behind their parents' back anyway? But actually, saying "hi" in the hallways while passing might actually be a good start. Do you think I should still try and ask her to be a violist of the quintet I am trying to arrange.

 

You know, the reason I keep failing to ask her is I keep feeling like she will think, "Why does this guy want ME in his quintet?" Maybe I should try and ask her after getting to know her a bit. That might be better...and thanks for taking the time to help me out here. I have been really lost and confused about this for the past week.

[R3d Anonymous]

UPDATE: I am just so f*cking frustrated. It just annoys me so much. I can't even f*cking say "hi". I used to think that while I am too nervous to approach the girl I like, that I would still be able to at least say "hi". Can't even f*cking do that. I mean this is just ridiculous.

 

But what I am really annoyed about, is I read that if you are looking at a girl and she catches you, that you should smile and hold the stare for a second and then look away. Now I actually wasn't planning on do it. But, I actually almost involuntarily did. My mind just went blank for that second and I was smilingly looking at her and oh the horror...she was looking at me too and she DIDN'T smile. Then I QUICKLY looked away after one second passed and felt my heart beat increase.

 

I saw that she also happened to be in the library today when I usually go there for study hall, but I didn't talk to her even as I passed right by, because I felt that I had screwed it up earlier. But I am still not sure.

 

I heard that looking at someone like that creeps them out. So basically, do I have to admit defeat, and move on without even talking to her for real just because of that mistake? Have I screwed up things that much? I mean she didn't even smile back (at least not in the duration that I was looking at her, I don't know about afterwards). I think, but I am not entirely sure, that I have creeped her out, without even trying, already. So basically, should I still talk to her or not? And if I do, how do I go about it? Do I apologize...or can I not even do that because then she would think why I didn't today?

 

This is just so annoying man. I am NEVER going to get a girlfriend if this continues. This sh*t has been going on for years. I think I have came to the conclusion that I am too much of a sissy to EVER approach and talk to a girl. I just can't do it. No matter how much advice I read on Y!A and forums, nothing works. I will always be too scared. This sh*t is harder than Calculus. So maybe if you guys could tell me some other methods of getting a girl without actually having to approach them, that would be great. Maybe give me a way to get them to approach ME.

[junebug123]

This is just so annoying man. I am NEVER going to get a girlfriend if this continues.

 

Your only 16 dude, there a people in there 30's who are still virgins, i didn't lose mine till i hit 19 - 20. Don't worry about, its natural. Talking to a girl shouldn't be mortal combat, she might not even be interested in you, but there is no way to know unless you try. Don't stress the small stuff so much.

[R3d Anonymous]

Oh my god. I missed the perfect opportunity to talk to her today! Anyway, I am considering just YOLOing it and just going up to her and asking her if she would like to be a part of my quintet that I am arranging, at orchestra. I mean, I think that I have sort of creeped her out by now and she probably thinks I am a lost cause because I haven't had the balls to approach her yet, so is it a good idea to just YOLO it and ask her to be a part of my quintet? If she says no, but due to time inconveniences, should I just leave her alone or do I still have hope in being able to talk to her? I am asking this because so far as I have been going around and asking a few people, the number one reason they declined was due to not being available. So if she says "no" to the quartet, should I move on or should I still try and see if she will talk to me?

 

Also, you said that I am "nervous" for all the wrong reasons. What do you mean? What are right reasons to be nervous, and what are "wrong reasons" do be nervous? Just wondering.

[Lionhuntress]

Talk to her the next time you get the chance. Even if you have to wing it. I have to say you do alot and I mean alot of negative self-talking in your posts. You shoot yourself down over and over for no reason. Have a little confidence. You're young so I know it's not easy. You said she smiles at you and talks to you even when you think she might be busy. You also said that you have a bad reputation and people joke and make fun of you. Yet she still talks to you. I'll bet there are several positive things she likes about you to keep her smiling and talking to you. She sounds like she could be a winner.

 

To answer your earlier question, no you have not blown it. From what you posted, it doesn't sound like she's given any indication that she would blow you off. Like Delacrank said, you're scared to talk to her. You're right YOLO. She's probably wondering why you're passing up chances to talk to her or initiate anything. Talk to her. The more you do, the easier it will get. Ask her to be a part of your quartet if that'll get the ball rolling. Keep talking to her and building the friendship and relationship even if she says no to the quartet.

[R3d Anonymous]

Good advice, but I think you misunderstood a bit. She doesn't actually talk to me, and that's because I never really tried. That one time I did sort of half-assedly (just making up words here), was when I tried to start a conversation by asking about her day and stuff, but didn't go much longer than two lines because I thought she was busy and really what happened is I was feeling so anxious that I had to sort of flee after that. But I don't think she actually remembers that anymore, I mean it was a little thing. As far as smiling goes, yes she was smiling and looking away even though I was trying to maintain eye-contact to the best of my ability. But like I said, that conversation was literally two lines from each side and then I backed down because...well...you know what, I don't really even remember. But the point is that she doesn't actually talk to me. That little tiny mini-conversation has been my only interaction with her so far, as far as "talking goes".

 

But anyway, regardless, I am thinking of just YOLOing tomorrow and inviting her to my quintet even if she's near her friends or whatever the circumstances may be, just because this is dragging out too long. Then, I will post what happens here and then see what to do next based on her response.

[Lionhuntress]

Oh okay, I see. Well good for you for deciding to YOLOing tomorrow. I think it will turn out positively for you, anyway. Like I said, do it even if you have to wing it. It doesn't matter if she's near her friends or not. You just have to take the chance. Definitely invite her to be a part of the quintet. That could even be the focus of this conversation if you have trouble coming up with other topics. Yes, post what happens and keep us updated.

[R3d Anonymous]

I don't think it will actually be a conversation though. I mean if she says "yes", I can talk about how it will "work" and stuff, but I am not sure what to do if she says "no". Should I just say something along the lines of, "Alright, it's okay. I understand," and then flee?

[Lionhuntress]

You could say that if she says "no", but do not flee. See this is where you have to think positively and try to deal with the anxiety if she does say no. Just keep her talking. Tell her if she ever changes her mind and there's an opening, you'd still be glad to have her in the quintet. You could ask her what her weekend plans are or anything else that comes to mind (school, tv, movies, whatever). Just keep her talking. Then you could ask her if she'd like to do something over the weekend or whatever date you choose. Be specific and don't leave it hanging.

 

If you want to go towards friends, then approach it from a friendly perspective. If you want to go towards dating, then ask her out on a date. Remember YOLO. It might be a good idea to silently think that in you head if you get nervous "YOLO, YOLO". The worst that could happen is she says "no". The best thing that could happen is she says "yes". Think of how great that would be for you.

[R3d Anonymous]

So guys...guess what? She said "yes". Oh my god; I was not expecting that. Unfortunately, since we didn't have much time, the conversation didn't last too long but for however long it did, it went pretty well. I say this because I was able to maintain good eye-contact and smile pretty much the entire time and same with her, and for the first time it wasn't so awkward. At the end, I thanked her and said how it means a lot.

 

There was some advice either here or on some other forum that said to memorize her eye-color. They said this so you actually make good eye-contact, and I have to say, it worked! Her eyes are brown by the way, lol.

 

There is one problem though, and that is that school might be canceled on Thursday AND Friday, and then there's a break that lasts for a whole week, so I won't get to talk to her for over a week.

 

So yeah, my aim right now is to go towards friends for now. So if you guys got any tips on how to snowball this into a friendship, that would be great.

 

If we do have school on Friday, that's Valentines Day. Should I gift her something? If so, you have any ideas that are free and don't cost money?

[Lionhuntress]

Great! Good going. I'm glad it turned out well. Just keep talking to her when you see her. You don't have to wait for her to approach you. You can always go up to her and talk. Do you have her number? Since you're trying to build the friendship can you text or e-mail her friendly things every so often? Did she say "yes" to just the quintet or did you ask her to do something else? I don't think you have to get her a Valentine's Day gift, unless you want to go for more than friends right now. You could get her a card that's not too over the top if you wanted to. Do you feel comfortable asking her to hang out or go out as friends?

[R3d Anonymous]

Great! Good going. I'm glad it turned out well. Just keep talking to her when you see her. You don't have to wait for her to approach you. You can always go up to her and talk. Do you have her number? Since you're trying to build the friendship can you text or e-mail her friendly things every so often? Did she say "yes" to just the quintet or did you ask her to do something else? I don't think you have to get her a Valentine's Day gift, unless you want to go for more than friends right now. You could get her a card that's not too over the top if you wanted to. Do you feel comfortable asking her to hang out or go out as friends?

 

Yeah, I don't have her number so that isn't possible at least for now until I get it. And I didn't ask her to do anything else, it was just "yes" to the quintet.

[R3d Anonymous]

BIG UPDATE (long time no see lol):

 

So I am sort of at the stage where I am not really her friend because we haven't talked to each other really about our personal lives yet. The reason we sort of know each other exist is because I asked if she wanted to be in my quintet that I am arranging (I play violin and she plays viola) and she said "yes". And I was giving her updates on the quintet. Now for the past few days, I have started saying, "Hey (her name)" to her every day in the hallway with a smile and sometimes even a wave, and with enthusiasm (because I really like her). She says, "Hey (my name back)," with a little smile. That's basically how it's been going for the past week. For the last couple of days, I have been having brief conversations with her (like less than a minute) about stuff in school and yesterday I complemented her on her shirt.

 

For the last few days, it's been extremely brief sessions of small talk really. Nothing else, and it only lasts for like 30 seconds and once a day. Other than that, if I see her in the halls, I will say "hi" to her. Part of the problem is that every time I talk to her, she seems to conclude the conversation pretty quickly as if she's always "busy". I mean she's nice and polite (something I really dig), but our conversations haven't really lasted. That's why I am getting the sense that maybe she's trying to make me chase harder (which I in a sense, am).

 

I know you guys probably want me to admit my feelings to her already, but the problem is that I haven't really flirted with her and conversations between me and her have been really brief. So if I admit my feelings, it's going to be like, TADA! I LIKE YOU; DO YOU LIKE ME? And she will feel as if I set her up and feel betrayed. So I really want to get flirty and stuff (and get her number) with her before I admit my feelings to her, so it doesn't seem so unexpected, you know?

 

So two questions:

 

Is she playing hard to get, possibly?

And if so, what do I do?

 

And while it appears that she probably doesn't like me, I don't want to give up without knowing for sure. I WILL eventually tell her how I feel if not sooner, then later.

 

And I know, pathetic, it took me almost a month to get here. Can you believe it? It's okay though; small steps at a time...but I am not backing down. I have made the decision to go for what I want in life and will conquer my fears. I CAN talk to this girl and I WILL. And one day, I WILL let her know how I feel. I am feeling a lot more confident (but still a bit underconfident when in her presence) since last month listening to Jad T Jones and just in general working on myself and my confidence and getting over my insecurities.

[Lorem Ipsum]

Part of the problem is that every time I talk to her, she seems to conclude the conversation pretty quickly as if she's always "busy".

 

Is she playing hard to get, possibly?

No, I think she's trying to tell you that she's not interested. She may have no problem being in your band, she may be OK with you as a person, but I don't think she's secretly nursing a big crush for you. If she was, she would be making more of an effort to be around you and talk to you.

[R3d Anonymous]

Alright, I think that is probably what it is too. However as a way to make sure, I will ask if she wants to hang in the cafetaria (not like a date though) after rehearsal and if she says "yes" then great, if she says "no", I will take the hint and move on.

[Lorem Ipsum]

That sounds like a reasonable and low-risk way to assess the situation, where no one is being put on the spot (such as declaring your feelings) or being made to feel bad. Unfortunately, as you are probably well aware, high school can suck large, especially when it comes to dating. Most high school kids, it's all about being popular/being with the popular kids to hopefully gain some popularity for yourself. Which isn't fair, but that's the way it goes.

 

I hope she does agree to hang out with you. But if she doesn't, don't be discouraged. Dating is hard for everyone and it may just take some time for you to find someone who is interested in you back.

[R3d Anonymous]

Yeah man; I know, it sucks. I just want a girl who is decent-looking (in my eyes) and sweet, nice, and caring (those are my big three). You know how girls say they want a, "Tall, dark, and handsome," guy. For me, I want a, "Sweet, nice, and caring," girl - a girl who smiles and gazes into my eyes and makes me smile...

 

Anyway, I really hate how dating isn't even about liking the person genuinely sometimes - but just to get popularity points. It's really stupid. I have my hopes up for university. Please, will dating be better in college? Will it be more about finding a girl/guy (depending on your gender) that you genuinely like that genuinely likes you back? And have less shallow girls? I really wish so. I know there are still some girls who don't grow out of it even in university, but overall...is it better?

[R3d Anonymous]

Well here we have an unfortunate turn of events. She withdrew from the quintet because she is busy with something else that day, which really sucks because I was going to ask her to hang after the rehearsal. Well anyway, the problem is I don't have any classes with her except orchestra (where I can't really talk to her except for a minute before or after class). She has noticed me looking at her a few times though and I think she definitely knows something is up because today in the hallway when I passed her later she was looking at me (but not smiling).

 

So I think most likely, I have been rejected. But the thing is, I don't want to give up until I have made it CLEAR that I like her. Do you think it's a good idea if tomorrow I go up to her and smile and calmly say, "Hey (her name). I just wanted to tell you something. I know this will sort of sound shocking, but I have been kind of interested in you...you know...that way." Not word for word, but SOMETHING along those lines. I just want to confess my feelings to her before I completely give up on her, you know? If she says she doesn't feel the same way, I don't care (well I do, but I will feel better than if I don't say anything). I will just tell her, "It's okay. I just wanted to let you know. Thank you for not laughing in my face or embarrassing me otherwise and farewell," or something along those lines. Do you think this sort of "last chance" approach is a good idea at this point? Because we don't see each other much except passing in the hallways (and I do say "hey" and smile almost every time I do) and I think she's starting to think, "Something is up with this guy. He's saying 'hey' to me every time he passes me in the hall. He keeps looking at me in class and in the hall. He smiles at me. Yeah something is up." I want to get it out of my system and confess before I start working on moving on.

 

In the slim chance she says that she's interested too, I will just tell her how it means a lot and ask if we can exchange numbers and maybe set up a meeting outside of school. But that's probably just a fantasy.

[R3d Anonymous]

POSITIVE UPDATE (for once):

 

So today in class for some reason she was looking at me a lot and I kept giving her quick glances. However, once, I decided to look back and smile and THEN look away and I think I saw her twitch a little. And after that, for the first time, when she passed me in the hallway later in the day, SHE was the first one to say "hi", smile, and wave. Before that, it was always ME being the first one to say "hi", smile, and wave.

 

Does this mean that instead of almost being in a hopeless position before (because I was the one starting conversations and saying "hi" first always) to an OKAY position now with her? Meaning, I am still probably under 50/50 right now, but not as hopeless as before, right?