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How to get back with depressed ex-boyfriend


strongbutlost

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This is my first post, and I came here for advice and guidance on how to handle what is happening in my relationship with the boyfriend that I love.

 

A little background, my boyfriend (I guess I have to say ex now) were together for 7 months. I know that isn't long compared to a lot of relationships, but it was a very strong relationship and we were doing very well. We both have a lot in common, yet enough differences to learn from each other. We became close very quickly, enough for me to know that I fell for him. But he lost his job a couple months ago and things started changing, even after he got a new one just a few weeks later.

 

I knew he was struggling was something with something but everytime I tried to ask him he either said he was just stressed or in a "funk", so I just accepted it as that. He never brought up depression, though I remember in a conversation with a mutual friend he did mention he had tried anti-depressants once and that they didnt work, but he never brought that up with me so I respected that and didn't want to pry and make him feel uncomfortable. I tried to be there for him and do everything I could think of to help him but he never really told me what was going on and it felt like he was just saying easy things so I would have something to fix.

 

One night we got in an argument. He had been so distant lately, so out of character and wasn't talking to me so I lost my temper and yelled at him. I just recently went through a cancer scare and a struggle with shingles at a young age. I told him that what was he so sad about and told him that he needed to snap out of it. (now I realize that those are huge no-nos, but like I said I wasn't aware the depression was what was going on at this time)

 

The next day he broke up with me saying things like "I don't know whats wrong with me", "Im not what you need" I tried to argue but he just gave up and I was too busy crying to really fight it. I decided a week later that I would write a letter to him telling him how important he was to me, how I loved him, and just wanted a chance to understand what was going on. I gave the letter to a mutual friend who gave it to him. He refused to answer me and told that friend that he didn't want to talk to me. I became very angry and texted him a very angry and hurtful message because I was hurt and didn't know what else to do. It was enough where he blocked my number. I knew it was wrong to do but at the time I was blaming myself and I was tired of that so I thought if I yelled at him he would respond with what was really going on.

 

Now I know he is struggling with depression after looking at all the signs and what people have told me that work with him that we know in common. I feel awful for what I said and he knows that I do. I've been trying to reach out to him and I've apologized to him, even in person because we ran into each other at the store. He said he knew I was sorry and was open to talking again yet he has still not responded to my messages.

 

I know I made my mistakes, but at the same time I didn't understand what was wrong, I didn't know the severity of his depression. What is the best way to talk to him, while apologizing for my mistakes but also letting him realize that I felt like I was in the dark and didn't know what else to do at the time. I don't want depression to be what ends an amazing relationship. He seems to be doing okay at work and he talks to mutual friends but he is avoiding me and some of his family members. Is there any chance of salvaging the relationship? And what are things I should and should not say if we do decide to sit and talk. One thing I hadn't told him and was debating on telling him was my experience in an abusive relationship years ago and how that affected me for years and made me push things away for a long time. Is that a good idea, or would that make the talk worse? Should I be the first to say that I think its depression?

 

Should I try to stay in contact with him? One thing I did was I remember he showed me road in the country and he told me that he drove down it when he felt stressed or sad. I found the road and posted two signs saying that I care about him and I will always be there for him. Was that a good idea? Or did I encroach on his personal space and make things worse.

 

But mostly I need help calming down. The guilt from what I said to him and the possibility that I made the depression worse is killing me. I can't sleep, eating is minimal and I can't stop thinking about him or what I want to say to him. I know I have to give him time but I feel like too much is going end it. I know he feels alone right now and that he is struggling just to do normal things and puts on a face for everyone else, and I know he is pushing me away because he feels like he is hurting me the most, but all I want to do his hold his hand, tell him that I'm there for him and work with him through this because I know there is an end and that we can work on it together

 

Thanks

 

Any advice is greatly appreciated

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It will just hurt you, leave scars, and waste valuable time to try to date him unless heralds responsibility for treating his illness. It would be a huge mistak that you will regret to think there's anything you can do to help him - this is something he needs to manage with his doctor and therapist. If he's doing any less than that, stay away.

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OK, as somebody who broke up with his Gf because of depression, the only thing that will make it better is if he gets help for himself. You won't be able to save him until he himself asks for some and does the work. Where he's at is this, he has no self worth and probably thinks he is saving you from himself. He needs professional help, trust me it works. I hope he can pull himself out because I know where he's at. I know you love him, but you can't save those who won't save themselves. It'll just drag you down. It sucks I know, but that's the way it is.

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The worst part is that I know he is out with friends and seems to be at least acting like he is enjoying himself, and he is getting a new place with a friend of his and finally getting out of his parent's house. Yet I'm the one who is crying and wondering if can ever be happy around me

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Two observations. First is that you seem to have quite a temper and lash out hard when you are not getting what you want. Second, you've gone into full stalker mode (letters, getting blocked but still trying to contact him, the signs on the street....). Are you sure he didn't just dump you because of you as opposed to depression?

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I know he feels alone right now and that he is struggling just to do normal things and puts on a face for everyone else, and I know he is pushing me away because he feels like he is hurting me the most, but all I want to do his hold his hand, tell him that I'm there for him and work with him through this because I know there is an end and that we can work on it together.

 

Wow! I am going through the same thing right now... Like exactly the same thing! We've been together for 6 months, he lost his job, depression got triggered, then we had an argument because he was distant, and then he broke up with me the next day because "he doesn't know what's wrong with him", and "he can't focus on a relationship now", etc.

 

I have tried everything you have tried, but got no results. We have been together for 6 months, and were very serious! I fell for him so hard and I want him back more than ever. But after so many tries, I realized that there isn't much I can do. He has a disease and unless he gets professional help, nothing's going to change. I talked to him about seeing a professional, but he refused. He said that the last thing he wants to do now is to "talk about it". Anyway, after writing in so many forums and talking to so many people, the conclusion I reached is "GIVE HIM SPACE". He needs time to figure out what's wrong and how to deal with it, and the last thing he needs is an angry ex gf who stalks him. Trust me, I've been there. The breakup happened late December, and I stopped trying to reach out to him by late January. Please be strong, I know exactly how you feel, and I cried myself to sleep every night. But it gets better. I am still hoping he'll come back, but for now, I will try to focus on myself and personal improvement. If he truly loved you, he'll come back once he solves his problems. Don't lose hope

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Just like brokenhearted has said. Give him space. Anything you do now will make him mad and push him away. If he gets help, he has to do it for himself. He may come back, he may not. There's nothing further you can do. Work on yourself in the meantime.

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So should I go take the signs down? I thought they were a good idea after a friend told me she had talked to him and told him that I still cared and he said that helped alot and he was glad to hear that.

 

Also, yes I know that it shows signs of a temper, but remember I didn't know it was depression till after. I know all relationships no matter how strong get into arguments and yell sometimes. It wasn't that I was threatening him or calling him names, I was yelling at him to tell me what was wrong and why was he acting the way he was. But the text was hurtful because I did so much already and I just wanted him to tell me he needed more time, not through a friend.

 

Though I just got word from a friend that she talked to him and that he does want to talk things out. She said that he really cares for me, does not associate me or the relationship with the depression, and that he would be ready to talk soon just not yet.

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I have just been reading a lot that when dealing with a loved one that is depressed it is important to remind them that you are there for them and that they're not alone. My messages haven't been "I want you back" let's just "start over" stuff, but simple general things that Ill be there no matter how dark it gets

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Though I just got word from a friend that she talked to him and that he does want to talk things out. She said that he really cares for me, does not associate me or the relationship with the depression, and that he would be ready to talk soon just not yet.

 

Again, same thing happened to me!! He told me that he still cares about me and would be willing to work things out eventually and take things slow (one week after the breakup). But I messed up because I rushed things and wanted to pick up the relationship where we left it. Anyway, give him lots of time and space, and if he's willing to work things out, then try to take things slow. He's going through a lot, and he's probably emotionally exhausted. I really hope it's going to workout for you. But the most important thing now is to have patience and a lot of self control.

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BrokenHearted8-- I know that this was a possibility. I made mistakes in the relationship too. I am fully prepared to own up to them. I'm not going to ask him to jump back in a relationship with me, that the most important thing is that if I'm going to be a part of his life, is that I need to earn his trust and take things slow. I'm going to leave the signs up because I do believe that he needs to know that I'm there for him and that I'm sorry. I realize that getting back together might not be the result, but if it is that it will take work and that I will have to be one of the few people in his life that encourages him to seek help

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It's good to let him know that you're there for him, and that you're sorry for hurting him. But don't forget, regardless of his depression, he's still a guy: he likes the chase, he wants to work to get a girl and to value her. Let him come back to you (slowly). Don't do all the chasing. I think you're on the right path. I wish I knew these things (or about this forum) before ruining my chances. Good luck!

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Thanks. Yeah right now what I'm struggling with my mind just racing and I can't seem to sleep well. I feel like I have to keep telling myself what I want to say. I've just always been the type of person that when there is a problem I want to fix it right away and work for a solution.

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Thanks. Yeah right now what I'm struggling with my mind just racing and I can't seem to sleep well. I feel like I have to keep telling myself what I want to say. I've just always been the type of person that when there is a problem I want to fix it right away and work for a solution.

 

You CAN start working on a solution, work on improving yourself! These sort of things don't heal from one side doing all the work, it's a team effort. Think of it like trying to cut down a tree with a 2 person saw, yes you need to put effort into it but they need to put forth and equal effort otherwise neither side will make and progress. Relationships are push/pull you need to see the same effort your putting in reciprocated if you want any real chance of mending things and that isn't something you can "convince" him to do it's something he needs to learn on his own. I guess what I'm trying to say is improve yourself to be the person you want to be and then in the future if you see him doing the same then MAYBE you guys can be on friendly terms, but i wouldn't hold my breath and wouldn't hold onto hope of it happening.

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I think you're trying too hard with him. You've apologized enough and you've let him know you're there, but now it's be better to leave him be. Let him come to you if he wants to, but in the meantime, you're too obsessed over him. Live your life, not just wait for him. Sometimes when people say they're not good for you they really mean they want to get uninvolved. You have to be careful not to go into denial about it if this is the case. It might not be his depression at all that's leading him to be distant with you. Be open to that possibility. If he's actually trying to get away and you're not letting him your concern will be a burden to him. Don't waste yourself on unrequited love if that's what this is.

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I understand what everyone is saying. The thing is even though he was struggling we were still close and doing basic couple things. Our relationship was working through the funk, I just didn't know the depth of it until I confronted him and he freaked out. It was like I was the one that made him realize it and he was in denial. We had a strong friendship as well. It was like a bomb was dropped on me after the fact and I don't want to be on the sideline but being there to help since I feel like I'm a source

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Strongbutlost I know what your saying I read into stuff like that saying to let them know you love them and are there for them when they're depressed/bi polar etc and I did that. My story is quite different from yours in that my ex was emotionally abusive and very controlling and jealous. I saw it as insecurity and I wanted to be understanding of him as he had depression for many years and was suicidal etc. Now..in the end I needed to stop being so "understanding" because he was just not treating me nicely at all. It was very traumatic. So what I can say to you is you just don't know exactly what is up with your ex, it could be depression, but basically he is having "issues" and it is good you have said you are there for him etc but there is now NOTHING else you can do or he will walk all over you. I know that sounds harsh and maybe he's a lovely guy but you need to respect yourself as well as him. But mainly you at this point.

 

The guy dumped you. Now even though he's depressed that still hurt right? He should appreciate the fact that it is hurtful to you. He needs to know that. He should care about YOU now. Not all you caring about him.

 

So leave him be sweetheart. I've left mine be now and sadly (although not so sadly as he is BEYOND help, something I was not willing to accept for a while but could see happening as I felt very very scared of him more and more often....) and he has stayed away. Well actually after me leaving he begged me back all week and then dumped me (nice!). And that was from me feeling sorry for him, he said he'd get help, go to a councilor, never hurt me again etc etc...then BAM. So pathetic....anyway. You must think of yourself now. You are not doing it. I know what it's like to want to help someone you love. I really do. Maybe one day mine will get help and realise what he has done but I sort of doubt it right now. Some people...are beyond help

 

You can only let them go and hope they realise they have pushed you away and that that means something. I think mine will contact me in a few years when he's an old failure haha. But I will be a success! And I will shun him away with my jewled hand...anyway! Good luck. You are sweet to care so much. People tell me I loved too much but I think it's good that you love so much, it's just sad when people don't treat that love with respect.

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The guy dumped you. Now even though he's depressed that still hurt right? He should appreciate the fact that it is hurtful to you. He needs to know that. He should care about YOU now. Not all you caring about him.

 

He has recognized that he hurt me too. He was telling his friend that he didn't want to keep hurting me and that he felt like he was a burden on me. Which again wasn't the case when we were going through "the funk" a while back ago. And so I more more patient and understanding and was there for him, but then again after some time everything seemed better and we were doing great again. He was there for me when I went through rough couple weeks with the doctor, I knew he cared even when he was struggling. He was just acting like a this particular week, had a what most people would consider a normal fight and its like it all came out at once. I just wish he would have told me that "the funk" was back or even still there all this time.

 

Our relationship was never physically or emotionally abusive. We never went to low blows if we ever argued or didn't see eye to eye. We always talked it out calmly, it was one of the amazing parts of the relationship, and if one of us did something embarrassing (like get too drunk at bar like I did one time) we always apologized and talked it out the next day, and this was even during the funk

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  • 5 years later...
Hello. Pleas has this been resolved. I’m in same situation now and I desperately want to know how yours turned it. I know it was so many years ago. But it will be really helpful to know because of my expectations

 

Please see if the OP has logged on before reviving 6 year old threads. You can click on the user name, select "Profile" and it will tell you the last time the user logged on. That way you aren't wasting your time trying to get responses from people who haven't logged on for years.

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