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I don't really need advice or an opinion but feel free to do either if you feel compelled to.


I had a recent break up, or as she said break and space. Afterwards, I initiated NC so we could get our heads on straight, and work our stuff out after a period of time that NC is over. Needless to say, it didn't work. In retrospect, I really only did the NC thing because of something that happened that I got mad at, and sort of just wanted to be left alone. I broke it twice. One I got a response, another I did not.

I'm obviously not saying NC is the way to go or not go. I just don't think it's to do all and end all. I think if you can both act like rational human beings, it really isn't necessary. Yes, I've read over and over and over about how it helps the healing. It does. I know this as well.

But here's the rest of my story, and rationality behind it.

This person had been a part of my life as a friend for 6 years. And I dont want her out of my life. Even if you have NC, or talk to this person every day, you are still going to have residual feelings, of hurt and loss of the relationship. Either way, they are going to be there. So the first step is accepting that, whatever decision you may have. Me, either way she is too important to me to not talk to. So, yes I continue to talk to her.

My next thought is if she has moved on and is seeing someone else or not and whether I should find out. I wanted to know at first, but now, I decided it doesn't matter. If I knew, I'd be upset that she gave up on me for a new person, and the other side, if she didn't, why doesn't she want to work on me. So, that doesn't matter. And we all know, that there is no real point wasting energy on an ex if a new relationship has started, so if you still want this person in your life, also accept the fact that you might not get to talk to them a lot as they have a new relationship, but that doesn't mean you still can't talk to them. Besides that, why not inform them you are working on you?

You may not agree with me. You may say that I shouldn't settle for the downgrade of being a friend, but, I really dont think of it like that. I look it at like this.

If you can accept being friends, go for it. Unless you are told to leave the other person alone, by them, I don't see any reason why you can't be friends. Especially after know each other for a long period of time.

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I think if you can both act like rational human beings, it really isn't necessary. Yes, I've read over and over and over about how it helps the healing. It does. I know this as well.


Hi Fame,


That is all very well, BUT - when emotions are involved - we tend not to act like 'rational human beings'. We tend to do whatever those emotions demand at the time - even if they are not in our best interests, long term.


Do you think that might be happening here?


I read your post above - and the underlying message seemed to be;


"My girlfriend has left me and I cannot stand it. It's too painful. If I tell myself that we are still the best of friends - even though she doesn't reply to my messages - I don't feel like I'm losing my mind, and a person I love deeply.


Sure rationally I know that you cannot have a friendship with some-one who does not reply to contact - but if I maintain that you can - I can avoid feelings such as hurt, anger, sadness and sorrow.


Meanwhile, I will attempt to stay in her life to make sure she is not dating any other guys. But on other hand if she is not dating other guys, then why did she leave me? Why didn't she stay and work on it. Why didn't she care as much as I did?


Uggh, damn, it's precisely those sort of thoughts that I don't want to have, right now. I don't want to process my feelings. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be without her.


We have known each other for too long and I cannot believe that she has terminated the relationship. Like I said, it hurts too much and I am not ready. But that's okay. When I am ready to come out of denial, when I am strong enough to face it, I will.


But right now, I don't want to think about this in terms of rejection. I don't want to go through any of those painful feelings usually involved with loss.


This is because I have known her for a long time, six long years - and it is too much to cope with. I don't like thinking she's gone - or that it's really over.


I don't what I would do, if I believed that. So I don't. To avoid that awful moment, I shall post on enotalone, explaining my rationale for maintaining a friendship.


Sure, deep down, I know that you can't have a friendship with some-one who doesn't reply to your messages. But she will come around. SHE HAS TO."


Fame - If this is so, you have to ask yourself, "how long can you stay at this point"because the only way past heartbreak,is through it. There are no magic mental shortcuts. Yes, loss hurts terribly - but to deny that you are in pain and the relationship you so wanted, has crumbled, does not avoid pain - it simply puts it indefinitely on hold. You've attempt to avoid heartbreak by going into emotional stasis. And that is why you have attempted to develop a friendship.



All the best



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I like your input D,


She contacts me a lot. And I contact her back. We are on pretty good terms. Some truths may be had by what you said, but the no response thing is not. You may say that I'm a Plan B by her responding, but I am truly not thinking that.

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I think *friendship* with an ex is a NICE IDEA.... until the day she gets a new boyfriend.


However, in a TRUE friendship, not only would you not be feeling hurt or jealous -- you'd be happy for your friend to have found love.


So, what you're attempting right now isn't really a friendship. You're hanging on to fill that void by clinging to an ex -- but it's only temporary and will end the day she finds someone else. So.... how GENUINE is that friendship? Not at all. You're using her to avoid the pain of truly processing the breakup -- and hoping that if you settle for just friends, she might change her mind about the breakup.

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