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he was strangely cold after sex


Abigaelle

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Hello everyone,

 

I need some thoughts and/or a piece of advice on this situation.

2 years ago , when I was 19, I met a guy and it clicked right away between us. after a month he said we had to stop it because he didnt "feel" it anymore. He didnt want to hurt my feelings back then, but I knew it was because I wanted to wait a few month before having sex with him since I was a virgin. I had the worse time ever, I had a hell of hard time before I could actually move on.

We talked once in a while and he tried to see me and/or sleep with me but it was always a non, mostly because I was already in a relationship with someone ( and so was he)

a few months ago, we both broke up with our partner so now we are both single. a few weeks ago we went to dinner and last night we went to a hotel and decided to be intimate because we both wanted this so bad.

 

I had a good time overall, but after sex, and this morning he was really distant and cold. He didnt even touch my face, didnt kiss me, and when I kissed his back this there was absolutely NO REACTION. He said he is usually grumpy in the morning. Later he went to check out and paid for the room, we took our stuff , he kissed me and then each of us took a cab and we left.

Now I know he wanted sex and he got it. So did I. I also know that the attraction between us was never only physical, he has always said he likes how intelligent and smart I am, how I can make him forget about his concerns at work, that I made him believe that faithfulness can exist , etc. Once I asked him if he thinks we are going through infatuation , he said yes but what we have is so much more...

 

Now I am wondering if all of this went away because we had sex. Im not sure if I want a relationship with him, but I do want to spend time with him, be with him and be part of his life as I always have been.

 

I tried not to act too insecure so the only thing I said in a text massage was thanks for last night. My plan is to wait for 2-3 days to see how it will go and then Ill try to move on , because I like him way too much to be able to wait out on him without being affected.

 

Now, I want to know what you guys think about all this. The fact that he became so cold after sex would it mean I would probably never see him again? or that he lost his respect for me?

This whole thing has been eating me alive since last night and Im constantly afraid of being hurt. I really appreciate your thoughts.

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It probably did, but not because you had sex. Rather he sounds like one of those guys for who the chase is the more important thing. Once he had sex with you the goal was reached and he's already moved on. However the big red flag you missed prior to all of this drama is the fact he was so obviously not a good guy to begin with. a) he dumped you after a month of dating when you refused to sleep with him, so yes he just wanted sex not a real relationship and then b) he still periodically tried to hit on you when both you and he were with someone else. Again for sex. That should have told you everything you needed to know about this guy's character to begin with. If you'd paid attention to that you would have and could have avoided all of this now.

 

My advice is to move on, go full NC now that you know what type of a guy he is--a hit it and run type--and next time realize that when a guy won't respect either his or your relationships and/or wishes about sex and taking it slow then yes he just wants sex with you, and no he's not a nice person to begin with if he's angling for cheating and involving you in cheating. And likely never will be.

 

P.S. Guys like this (women too) can spend years pursuing someone just to get that goal, it's a game for them and they don't really care how much time it takes since they usually have a number of targets going so to speak. So no, when someone hangs around and keeps pushing you to have sex with them it does not mean they love you or want a relationship with you. It just means they want sex from you, usually once or twice, and they have all the time in the world to keep after it until they get what they want. They don't actually care about you as you've now seen from his actions the following morning. He may try to hit you up again for sex when he's bored, but that's all you'll ever get with this guy. He is not relationship material.

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Oh dear, but why did you go back to a guy, who once dumped you because he wasn t "feeling much"? Why put yourself in same uncomfortable situation twice?

If a guy don t feel much for you that is not going to change, sure he might want to use you for sex occasionally just to boost his ego whenever he needs with the fact that he can have you anytime, but you shouldn t go there, since you have feelings for him... Just forget about him, don t let him use you again! There are guys out there, who will hug you, kiss you after sex and who will treat you nice, don t waste your time with this looser!

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I thought somehow being cold after sex was sort of ok, but not getting a simple kiss on the cheek, that hurts like getting hit by a tank to be honest.

initially, I had talked myself into being intimate with him only once because I cant ignore how much I feel for him. But as you guys mentioned, im going NC, once for all. Im usually very good at putting an end to something, but I must admit, this is the hardest thing to do for me.

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I also know that the attraction between us was never only physical, he has always said he likes how intelligent and smart I am, how I can make him forget about his concerns at work, that I made him believe that faithfulness can exist , etc. Once I asked him if he thinks we are going through infatuation , he said yes but what we have is so much more...

 

No, you don't "know" this at all, you were told so, by him. Not to offend you but, it didn't go away because of the sex - it was never there to begin with. He talked his way into bed with you and now he has no reason to continue being nice to you.

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, both of you wanted sex. Wanting anything else afterwards, however is something he didn't want. As soon as you continued the affection afterwards he immediately shut down. Do not take it personally. He dumped you before because you wouldn't put out. Now you have put out and he's not interested. This was all about the sex for him hun, I'm sorry to say.

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It's because you really like him. How old are you??

 

I can relate, I was really in to a guy who told me he was noncommittal (1st red flag) and then he told me his past with girls (2nd red flag) but we could talk for hours on ends about anything and everything. He asked if I still wanted to meet up with him and I said yes. I knew he would never commit to me but I was so infatuated with him and his personality that I said yes to a one time date. Well we went all the way, but I made sure I didnt wear my heart on my sleeves so i didnt get all sad after the break up.

 

When I was younger, I wore my heart on my sleeve and got really sad when my fwb acted cold. So yea, you just live and learn.

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I told him I found him strangely cold. He said his dad has serious health issues and he will be operated soon.

I don't think he is lying , but I think the fact that his dad is going through heal issues doesn't justify his coldness ...

 

Yea don't initiate contact with him any more.

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I think he's being cold because he doesn't want to get into another relationship right now, so he's trying to communicate that to you by not being affectionate. While this won't necessarily be the last time you hear from him, I don't think he will get into a relationship with you in the near future. He may call you when he wants sex again, or try to get you as an FWB. I don't think he lost respect, but if he dumped you before for not having sex quickly, he might have not had enough in the first place. That might not be just you though.. he might lack a healthy level of respect for most/all women.

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I wasnt expecting of getting in a relationship with him, but I wasnt expecting him to be SO cold.

This whole thing made me think I have negative effects on him, I make him want to become cold, that I dont deserve his affection, his love....

I understand he might have been chasing all this time, but I cant believe that every single thing he said about his feelings could be lie, that is just not possible. How much can a person lie...

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He can't lose respect for someone he never respected in the first place. It sems that when he dumped you probably for not having sex, then you should have put him on your 'do not call' list. He obviously primarily wanted you for sex.

 

I dont think its a matter of respect. I think its a matter of him losing his interest in me

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Abigaelle it sounds like you have low self esteem and are putting him on a pedestal. You're thinking you are at fault here, have you considered that maybe he is just a jerk and used you for sex? You cannot look at your interractions with men this way or you will never be happy. You are catering to their needs and not your own, and diminishing your value by saying things like "I dont deserve his affection".

 

You have to keep your head up and truly know what you are worth, and to not settle for less.

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It's true that I think all of this is my fault because I'm the one who made the decision of going and seeing him

But to be honest I went there without expectations , I wasn't hoping for anything and definitely not a relationship but I never thought something like this would occur. I thought it would be casual sex and that's it.

I just think even when it's casual sex, when someone kisses and hugs, there is some kind of reaction ... But there was absolutely nothing.

He is human after all!!!

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It's true that I think all of this is my fault because I'm the one who made the decision of going and seeing him

But to be honest I went there without expectations , I wasn't hoping for anything and definitely not a relationship but I never thought something like this would occur. I thought it would be casual sex and that's it.

I just think even when it's casual sex, when someone kisses and hugs, there is some kind of reaction ... But there was absolutely nothing.

He is human after all!!!

 

There may have been a reaction going on in his head but he was being cold to try not to show it to you, because you'd think it meant something. Even though you don't want a relationship he might think you do (after all, you were dating before). If that scares him then he's probably trying to shut down his emotions.

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Abigaelle it sounds like you have low self esteem and are putting him on a pedestal. You're thinking you are at fault here, have you considered that maybe he is just a jerk and used you for sex? You cannot look at your interractions with men this way or you will never be happy. You are catering to their needs and not your own, and diminishing your value by saying things like "I dont deserve his affection".

 

You have to keep your head up and truly know what you are worth, and to not settle for less.

 

Well I went to see him because I made the choice, I wanted to see him, I don't know what I should have done more to cater to my needs.

And I wasn't expecting anything. But I never thought something like this COULD happen . I don't think expecting him to have normal-human-reaction is putting him on a pedestal ..I JUST wanted to have a good time.

Now I just feel like I got stabbed from behind...

I feel used and that made my self esteem go from 100 to 0. And yeah he is a jerk, but I'm responsible for all of this and I'm the reason why I'm in this situation , and that makes me feel a stupid and an idiot.

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I know that he is bipolar , maybe that could explain all of this ?

Because his coldness was ... abnormal

 

You will make yourself crazy looking for an explanation. It seems like you are making excuses for him. Why not confront him directly and talk about how his reaction made you feel? If he blows your concerns off then you have your answer. I think you know deep inside that this guy is damaged goods. You will only waste your time trying to fix him.

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