Clingy friend

[Foxy25]

I'm 25, divorced. I have this online friend (male), who is very clingy. I've known him for 10+ years. He is not only clingy, but very obsessive and desperate about me. sends me loads of text every day, and when I don't reply, he almost dies worrying about why i am not replying to his texts. i'm tired of his flattering me all the time. He keeps giving me the same compliments over and over again and begs me not to leave him. I know his feelings are genuine, he loves me a lot and wants to marry me . but the thing is I don't feel the same way about him. I once did. but his obsessive and clingy attitude scared me off. I am confused. I don't know if I should be happy that I am lucky to have someone like him who is madly in love with me and that I should not let this man go. or if I should be alarmed and try not to get into any serious relationship with him because he comes off as insecure, needy, emotionally unstable, desperate and whatnot.

 

His + points:

 

1. Trustworthy (stuck around for 10+ years through all good and bad times)

2. Loves me

3. Cares for me

4. Doesn't try to impose his ideas and values upon me

5. Doesn't try to control me

6. Sincere, loyal, committed and devoted

7. Compromising nature

8. Put my needs before his own

 

His -points:

 

1. Very clingy

2. Acts like a very needy and desperate person

3. Emotionally unstable

4. Insecure

5. Annoys me with his wanting to talk to me all the time

 

Any advice on whether or not I should be in a relationship with this kind of person?

 

Keep in mind that he is irritating and annoys me to death with his obsessive tendencies. But I've never met him so I don't know what kind of person he is in real.

[Capricorn3]

His -points:

1. Very clingy

2. Acts like a very needy and desperate person

3. Emotionally unstable

4. Insecure

5. Annoys me with his wanting to talk to me all the time

 

Any advice on whether or not I should be in a relationship with this kind of person?

 

Keep in mind that he is irritating and annoys me to death with his obsessive tendencies. But I've never met him so I don't know what kind of person he is in real.

 

To be brutally honest, I'm actually surprised you would even be asking/contemplating if you should be in a relationship with him. You have never met him, and yet he annoys you to death. Not only that, but his negative traits far outweigh his positive (imo). In fact, it's downright scary. I wouldn't even think twice about this one - I would head for the hills, but that's just me.

 

That said, if he is this way online, he's more likely than not, far worse in real life. I say let him go.

[ami7]

Meeting people online is very dangerous (trust me, I know! I had a similar "online friend" once, pretty much with same traits as your friend, always there for me, I felt really comfortable with him, he was easy going, we had nice talks, made me feel he loved me, everything you want, something too good to be true, but he was very possessive, emotionally unstable, insecure etc.

Long story short, in just a few months he made my life a living hell, only after I finally got rid of him I found out how dangerous he was, he had borderline personality disorder, obviously I wasn t his only victim either.

So if you think something is not right with this guy just run, actually you will see more of his real nature when you will try to leave him it will not be easy. I am not saying he has also BPD (still possible) but emotionally unstable, insecure, obsessive, would be a deal breaker for me. Just trust your instincs about this, the only thing that could help you to save your life!

[mfan]

Sounds like he thinks of you like a pet. Also, all the things he does for you could be interpreted as trying to ensure that you won't leave him, not necessarily that he truly loves you. The end result might look the same but the motivation could be extremely different. This possibility is disturbing.

[amipushy]

You've never met him and he is like that? Slowly withdraw then stop responding.

[amipushy]

How old he is? Have you seen him on skype, i.e. do you know he is who he says he is, the age and sex you think he is? Because you say that he has been your online friend for over 10 years and you are only 25?

 

Also, the + and - Points are very contradictory. You say that he doesnt try to control you yet his - points are how he controls you i.e. you cannot leave because you live in fear of him doing something bad to himself, not coping without you etc.

 

I also agree with ami7 in that he does sound like he has BPD traits. If this is the case, become boring, very boring, act confused, depressed even and withdraw slowly.

[mfan]

I agree with [amipushy] that the best way to withdraw is to make yourself as uninteresting as possible.

[Foxy25]

He's 28. Yes I have seen him, talked to him over the phone. He is the most non-violent person I've ever known. but he is more like passive aggressive, you know. His fear of being abandoned by me and his desperate need for love (of sexual nature) is what scares me the most. In fact, I wonder if it is possible for a person to keep loving someone even after getting so much mistreatment from them.

 

(yes, I've tried everything in the past to make him go away; told him off, ignored him, didn't reply to his texts and emails, changed my phone number many times, just disappeared without saying anything, etc......but I always had to come back to him for reasons I don't understand). I have done everything I possibly could to make him hate me (so that he wouldnt freak out when I finally break all my ties with him).

 

He does have a lot of BPD traits. Frequent outbursts of emotion, threatening to kill himself, melodramatic gestures (writing song lyrics for me for example), emotionally intense feelings of romantic nature, trying to get intimate with me even when I clearly dont reciprocate the feelings he has for me, etc. I remember one time when he broke a glass in his hands. and he is sexually frustrated for sure (keeps asking me if we could have sex-talk / sexting) because he is still a virgin.

 

Some time back I did get romantically involved with him but his desperate need for sexual love scared me to death. I don't mind being friends with him but he is hoping for more, even though I said I'm not looking to get into any romantic relationship with him. but he says he'll keep waiting and that he hopes that someday somehow I will 'grow' to love him. It's hard to deal with him now specially since I've already hurt him a lot and I dont want to hurt him and his feelings anymore.

[katmarie]

Definitely let this one go. Beyond the other posters' assessments of his positives/negatives and possibly BPD, dangers of meeting in real life, etc., the way you write about him just sounds like you are not sexually or romantically attracted to this person, so why would you get involved with him at all?

 

If you are considering keeping him as a friend, I don't think he is capable of changing the clingy tendencies and letting go of his romantic interests in you, enough to actually be "just friends." You would be keeping him around, knowing that he'll be crushed later on when you are dating someone else.

[amipushy]

After reading this, I must say that this is seriously ****ed up and you are the one who is ****ing up. Let the poor guy go so he can find someone who doesnt use him or hurt him like that. Regardless of any BPD traits/desperation, you are just making him and things worse.

 

I still stand by my advice to become boring, talk less, share less emotions and thoughts, and fade into oblivion...but for good this time. And if you dont that and choose to stick around and watch him suffer, you are one sick puppy!