Jump to content

sadness is overwhelming at times


nessyp54

Recommended Posts

My son married 7 years ago and yesterday his wife gave birth to my first grandchild. I suppose I am writing this because I have come to a point in my life where I feel I am of no use anymore. Since I lost my husband 8 years ago, my daughter in law has treated me with contempt. I gave both my son and his wife every help I could. I helped them out financially, I never turn up uninvited and I always try to be a good person. But I have been insulted and passed over many times by my daughter in law. If I am invited she will open the door and her look says it all - you are not welcome. I have tried talking to my son but he gets nasty and says I play the martyr. I find this dreadfully hurtful. When I am occasionally invited at Christmas, my daughter in laws mother has to say something "cutting" My Christmas present from them was a box of fudge when they went to the seaside in September, and a tiny candle. Whereas my daughter in laws mother said to me " look what I have Vanessa" they had bought her a thoughtful gift. I tried not to show how much I hurt, but it continues all the time. I dont expect to receive big fancy gifts, and I always try to buy my son and daughter in law nice gifts. but I am made to feel "different" that I am not worthy of being treated the same as her mother.

 

I have asked my daughter what I do wrong and she says "nothing" they are just nasty people. I dont have family other than my son and daughter and she is single. My daughter in law has a very large family but she does everything to keep me out. Last night was the last straw. My first grandchild was born and I asked if I could visit. I rushed to the hospital to find all her relatives there which is only to be expected. I spent 10 minutes out of 2 hours when my daughter in law asked my daughter and I to leave so that her family could see the baby - they had been with the baby for most of the time. Oh but I could go back tomorrow. I have quite a long drive so its not that easy. I also work.

 

Perhaps I shouldnt have phoned my son last night but I said that I was rather upset that I was asked to leave - he turned it round and said that I was going to visit tomorrow, which was a complete untruth, so he was in agreement with his wife. His in laws make mischief and so does my daughter in law. It is all underhand and when I tell him how upset I feel he just puts me down. I dont know what I have done but I dont want to see my grandchild again although he is beautiful. I cant be treated like this anymore. It is always my daughter in laws family and my son stands for it. He says some rather nasty hurtful things to me. They were all over me when I offered to buy things for the baby and even went to the trouble of choosing the most expensive things even though I dont have much money as I only have a small pension and a small salary. She never thanks me for anything. If I go round to their house they sit there eating and not offering me anything, not that I expect food, but I think it is very rude, but I dont say anything. her mother treats their house like it is hers. I do not believe that is the way to be. Allmy son says is you should be more like them. Rude, nasty, spiteful people. I dont want to be like them. I dont understand why she is so spiteful. This baby will never be my grandchild to love and hold - I know that because she will not allow it so I am pulling away because my health is not too good as I have been seriously ill (she was nice then until she heard I was in remission and then became nasty again) I think she was hoping I would die because she was looking for a larger house and I suppose my death would have provided the funds from the sale of my own house. There is no other explanation.

 

I wonder why I continue to be here for them to pick me up and drop me when they see fit, or use me as some kind of thing they can insult when they choose. My friend is disgusted that I was asked to leave the hospital yesterday, and I am so mixed up now because of the way my son turns it around and makes me feel as if I am creating problems.

 

In summary, I am always overlooked, mothers day, most Christmases, family dos etc. He even said why should you be treated the same as June (his mother in law) I cant believe the way he has turned out. I am frightened of loving this grandchild because I am sure she will use him as a "weapon" and as much as I would have loved him - for my own sake I dont see that I can. I dont know how to handle life anymore - it just seems that I get kicked in the teeth everytime and I really dont deserve it. I dont know what to say to my son anymore because he will just get nasty and tell all to his wife and the whole process starts all over again. thank you for reading this - I just felt that I needed to get it off my chest.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

That's a very sad situation. I'm so sorry Nessy. They sound (especially her) very nasty and it no way reflects on you. Very nice people often do get treated this way. I know that when son has a baby you might not get to be as involved as when it's your daughter, but this is horrible. In fact grandparents should have some rights to see their grandchildren. I don't really know what you could do to change anything with her attitude like that. Hopefully others will have some helpful advice. All I have is deep sympathy.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Your problems are due to a lot of expectations and ideas about how things are supposed to be.

 

You know how she treats you, stop giving her the opportunity to treat you badly. When people treat you badly and you don't get the message, they treat you worse.

 

Stop going by their house - unannounced or otherwise.

Stop complaining to your son - he's clearly not sympathetic to you.

Stop doing stuff for them, they clearly don't appreciate it.

 

Why are you focussing on your son and daughter-in-law anyway, why don't you concentrate on your daughter who presumably treating you well.

 

As for being of use - that's not what life is about. You might think your son is obliged to have you in his life, but he's actually not.

 

Why don't you start living life for you? Do stuff you're interested in... learn something new... take up some hobbies.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ok, well I am in EXACTLY THE SAME POSITION AS YOU... I am also a widow who's son and his wife has just had a baby and I have to say after reading your post I'm sorry but I agree to a certain degree that you are playing the martyr.

 

They are a family unit and you as the son's mother will ALWAYS take second place to her mother. Her mother is her support and you have to accept that and if the daughter-in-law doesnt like you, so what? Its just how it goes sometimes. But it doesnt mean that you should cut your son and his baby out of your life, it sounds to be honest like spite but you will be only spiting yourself in the end.

 

So if you want to sit at home demonising her and her mother, and making up scenarios in your head where you will be persecuted and emotionally blackmailed because you love your grandson then do that. Or change things. This is the biggest opportunity to get involved in your grandchild's life so offer to have him as often as you can, they WILL take you up on the offer at some point and be grateful of the time alone you offer them.

 

NEVER deny your grandson the love of his grandmother. NEVER. And I am shocked to read that you would even consider doing such a thing. The loss will be not only yours but his too and will be the biggest mistake you have even made in your whole entire life! That I can guarantee you! Don't do it. It is the most wonderful thing to look at his little face when he is feeding, and his first smile will touch your heart, his laughter will bring joy to you and put a new love in your life that should be cherished. Offer and keep offering your special and unique love to your grandson and you will be rewarded by his love too. And that love is something else, it really is.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

NEVER deny your grandson the love of his grandmother. NEVER. And I am shocked to read that you would even consider doing such a thing. The loss will be not only yours but his too and will be the biggest mistake you have even made in your whole entire life!

 

I see things differently. She is saying that she is afraid of getting attached to the grandson because she fears the daughter-in-law and the son will restrict how much she can see him, as they have already slighted her MANY times.

 

They are showing contempt for her and I think she should pull back from them.

 

That I can guarantee you! Don't do it. It is the most wonderful thing to look at his little face when he is feeding, and his first smile will touch your heart, his laughter will bring joy to you and put a new love in your life that should be cherished. Offer and keep offering your special and unique love to your grandson and you will be rewarded by his love too. And that love is something else, it really is.

 

Do you really think the daughter-in-law will let the OP be around for his first smile?

 

OP, invest in spending more time with your daughter. She will have a family one day so enjoy the time you can spend with her now. Spend the major holidays together, if you can. Cook for her and her friends instead of going to the son'a where you are not welcomed. She is the more worthy child because shes isn't nasty to you. Plus when your daughter does marry, she will not cut you like your son has. He sounds like a jerk who doesn't appreciate anything.

 

If the day comes when he and his wife have problems, he'll find out what a big mistake it is to cut out his family in origin in favor of his wife's family. They will not be sympathetic to him.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I see things differently. She is saying that she is afraid of getting attached to the grandson because she fears the daughter-in-law and the son will restrict how much she can see him, as they have already slighted her MANY times.

 

They are showing contempt for her and I think she should pull back from them.

 

This isnt about her feelings towards her daughter-in-law. This is about losing a grandchild and a grandchild losing out on the nuture of the grandmothers love. I stand by what I have said that she should NEVER give up on that or on trying because she feels 'slighted' or feels she isnt included in their life as much as she would like. How trivial in the grand scheme of things.

 

 

Do you really think the daughter-in-law will let the OP be around for his first smile?

 

She invited to the hospital and went to see him and was invited back the next day so I dont see why not.

 

This is more the OPs fears and to deny her grandson her love FOR FEAR OF something that might never happen is too awful the think about.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It takes a long time for a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law to develop a good relationship. It's probably unrealistic for you to expect her to treat you like she treats her mother. Ideally she would, but I think it's rare. I don't know how your relationship with your son has been through the years, but sounds like he chooses to side with his wife, and that's not unusual either. I am sorry, though, that you are getting short shrifted. I would say to give it some time, let go of any expectations, and focus on any positives. Don't complain to your daughter, your son, or your daughter-in-law, just let them know that they are loved. At the same time, don't let yourself be a doormat. Be kind, but don't give things you can't afford or that come with strings attached. Congratulations on your grandson, and give him love, either in person or from afar.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This isnt about her feelings towards her daughter-in-law. This is about losing a grandchild and a grandchild losing out on the nuture of the grandmothers love. I stand by what I have said that she should NEVER give up on that or on trying because she feels 'slighted' or feels she isnt included in their life as much as she would like. How trivial in the grand scheme of things.

 

Grandchild can't get the grandmother's love if the DIL won't allow the OP to spend time with the child.

 

I don't think she should give up entirely, but definitely pull back and assert some boundaries (right now they ask for a lot while treating her horribly). She should focus on herself and the people who do treat her well. In time, when the child is older perhaps the DIL and son will appreciate having the grandmother around to babysit and they can finally bond.

 

I would say to give it some time, let go of any expectations, and focus on any positives. Don't complain to your daughter, your son, or your daughter-in-law, just let them know that they are loved. At the same time, don't let yourself be a doormat. Be kind, but don't give things you can't afford or that come with strings attached. Congratulations on your grandson, and give him love, either in person or from afar.

 

^^ This is excellent advice.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...