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I'm pretty much at my wit's end!


Peter SC

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I finally have to admit that my life sucks. A lot. Granted, I've always known that, but now I ain't even shy about admitting to it.

 

Well, okay. For anyone needing a recap of why my life is worthless, I posted on here about my key worker who is Spanish, around Christmas. I basically described how I had feelings for her and how we were in some uncomfortable situations. People basically gossip about me because I'll say is cool to work with, but they'll then report back that you frequently talk about her, so they monitor you after that. It happened with a woman before named Ruth, who has since left.

 

I have autism and her field of work involves supporting those on the spectrum. Unfortunately, I think I've blew it with her. I know I cannot be with her, EVER, so there's really no point in caring anymore. Of course, that's all because of the boundaries and the law forbids that any support worker date their clients, whether they one day leave or not, although I'm sure it's lead to romance for a select few at some stage in their lives. People who sign contracts to volunteer or work full-time with clients with disabilities could face prosecution if they actually had a relationship with a vulnerable adult. I'm guessing that rule may not always be enforced then if others did it and I'm guessing the sacrifice there was that they needed to find another profession.

 

The first negative thing that happened to me this year was that I had fights with her during my support hours. These squabbles usually arose from the fact her bosses refused to reinstate another woman called Joanna that I'm banned from working with, possibly forever. Since 'forever' is a long time, you can see why I'm upset about it and I go on and on about it, loads. I know I did wrong and what bugs me is that people won't live and let live with things once you apologize. Other than this, I don't think I did myself any favours by being too open with my feelings both to and about this Sara person.

 

I first started getting her for support last year. I recall she began working for the place that supports me in 2012. However, I never had shifts with this woman until in 2013. I never even really spoke to her until I had a shift with her once and we clicked, so I wanted her to replace my guy key worker, who was not for me. When we first worked together, she was quite nice and fun. Now I'm not saying she's not nice or fun to be around these days, but there's been a crappy progression that has lead to some ill feelings towards one another...

 

1.

 

She knows about me using escorts. She claims she doesn't mind that I pay for sex, but she knows I don't really enjoy it. Prostitutes really are not nice personalities at all and you can keep throwing money on them, but if you don't get pleasure from being with them, it seems pretty stupid to continue.

 

2.

 

She knows about that other girl taken off my team.

 

When she's allocated to do a sleep over, I notice a pattern...

 

3.

 

We had our issues late last year. Go back into my other thread to see more on this.

 

She will talk to me on a sleep over, so not to fully ignore me, but I get the impression she'd rather not be with me if she could help it and when I try to suggest us taken holidays, she drastically declines or tries to make out it's not allowed. I can tell she generally doesn't trust me anymore. And because I like her and see her frequently, it hurts my feelings knowing we're on borrowed time and this fairy tale arrangement won't last.

 

Sleep overs are not your usual allocated support hours. You can go in flat 1 from 8 until 11 at night, but your neighbours may come in too and you can chat and hang out together as a group in the kitchen. The other rooms are the bedroom and an office full of confidential files, but they can laptops you can take into the kitchen where the group can reside. But as others are usually present and they are often baking or cooking when I'm there, I'm therefore limited to what I can discuss because they interrupt me a lot. Ordinary support shifts at your place are generally one to one unless a new worker is there to be shadowing, but if I am there with Sara on a sleep over session with all my neighbours present and I talk about the same crap from months ago, like about my ex, Laura, some of the other residents complain that I shouldn't be talking about her any longer which gives me a red face, yet I do so because it tends to annoy me over what she did. Of course, it must be annoying to re-hear the same story, but I am very frustrated and bored. And then Sara will ask me to give them feedback when I get a row from one of them. Like, she'll usually say to embarrass me, 'what do you think of that?' because she wants me to realize that others dislike my rambling. Then I usually exit the room.

 

I don't have a social life whatsoever and there's no point in trying speed dating. I also got banned from a dating group on Meetup. All I did was skip the boxes because I wasn't sure what info to add. Then I got banned by the organizer. Wow! So that really messed up January for me.

 

I have one older friend who I met years ago in a college I went to, but he's 52 and I'm 28. We play pool all the time and he's got some mental issues as well. Scott is another friend / neighbour in his 30s who ruminates over being single and then resorts to throwing dangerous objects onto the street from his high window, which could in fact kill someone. Typically, he does volunteering / part-time job placements and gets bored too quickly because he's single, so he'll resign shortly afterwards and mope over his life sucking too, even when I make suggestions to change it. I know he gets upset about being rejected by women. I do too. But you cannot get charged over something really pointless like throwing things out your window. He said he'd like to work with kids and if he constantly lands up in court, he'll never be able to get his dream job.

 

I've also been bullied online for well over 10 years and in person too. Nefarious people treat me like I'm a massive retard. People just don't understand why I'm so confused and obsessive all the time. And just because they passed a psychology exam does not make them an expert on autism, like they may believe. So I get the impression I'm a boring subject and they just put up with me because they have to.

 

Although, I do feel my friend Scott's pain; I'm like him in that I honestly just want to quit things and move away to another home now, and my sister's landlord might be able to provide a flat elsewhere, but it won't be supported. I advertised way too much bull crap to my support workers anyway. They watch me like a hawk nowadays. They banned me from working with that other girl over the way I behaved and Sara told me she'd never date me. My personal folder has a whole novel of stuff relating to me opening my mouth over escorts and my ex-girlfriend. To make matters worse, Sara may go overseas eventually to South America, so I'm thinking I should just move on with my life now, but also move out of my suffocating supported housing too. If I go elsewhere, I won't have to follow their rules and I might be allowed a pet as well.

 

I kind of love Sara and it's like a doomed romantic poem for me, so now I'd rather fade into the background to maintain that last shred of dignity. You know?

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Its a crap situation overall man, i dont know if i could put up with all the gossip going on with your neighbors though. It'd be best to give them as little information about you as possible. I obviously dont know how much support you need but i would seriously consider just moving on to a different place and start all over again if you can manage it. You're still young you can leave this mess behind, and having a pet would be nice. All the crap i go through during the day, whenever i get home my german shepherd is always there, excited to see me, no matter how bad i look or how down i'm feeling he doesn't care and it's always nice it improves my mood a bit, good luck with your situation man.

 

As far as women go though, you might just be coming on way too strong for them. Just ease up, engage in light conversations, dont be too intense too early and just have a sense of humor and lightly joke around with them. Dont talk too much about personal info right away, especially about escorts(i personally dont see a problem with this and i dont look down nor judge people who engage in this type of activity, live and let live), that would definitely send women you potentially wanna date running.

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You really really need to back off from all these people. You have been banned from so many places, people, etc etc. You keep pushing and pushing, even when you know the rules. Your carers can lose their jobs (which has already happened because you don't leave them alone). Your behaviour borders on creepy (which you have admitted to in previous threads). You need to back off.

 

Are you in any form of professional counselling/therapy? If not, then you really need to look into it.

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No, I'm not seeing a professional shrink. That's why I thought meeting new people arranged through Meetup would help me to move forward, but I always end up erasing my accounts. I also have some chronic mental health disorder where I think the "whole year" is wrecked if one bad thing occurs early into it. I believe this is down to severe OCD, as I do have ritualistic and interfering antics to do with what times I sign into forums. But that's more of a personal thing and I get bullied a lot because I'm coming accross as rather odd or different to others.

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No, I'm not seeing a professional shrink. That's why I thought meeting new people arranged through Meetup would help me to move forward, but I always end up erasing my accounts. I also have some chronic mental health disorder where I think the "whole year" is wrecked if one bad thing occurs early into it. I believe this is down to severe OCD, as I do have ritualistic and interfering antics to do with what times I sign into forums. But that's more of a personal thing and I get bullied a lot because I'm coming accross as rather odd or different to others.

I don't think Meetup with help you with any of your many issues. You seriously NEED professional help because you have so many different issues (sorry). Nothing will change for you - if anything, you're only getting worse and causing grief for others and your carers etc. Get the help you NEED.

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Among your carers, has anyone ever suggested you working with an EXPERIENCED occupational therapist with specific experience in autism?

 

When done right, it's supposed to help you take control of your mannerisms that are giving you trouble socially - help you recognize before the ship is sinking when you're crossing a boundary. I have a nephew with Aspergers, and it helped him quite a bit with impulse control and tunnel visioning - focusing on something to the point it got obsessive.

 

If you're in a group home environment, do you have a case manager or case worker who could help you find some resources for a good therapist? If you have one - don't let yourself get brushed off. Case managers and social worker staff can be immensely overworked and overburdened with their case loads, so if you don't make a point of bringing your particular needs and desire to work with a professional to their attention, you can slip through the cracks.

 

If you're worried your approach might put someone off - take the time to look around on the internet a bit. See if there's a therapy that looks like it would suit you and help you. Write it down, and present your case manager with a written list of what you'd like to work on. And then ask him or her to see, out of the options you've listed, what is available, and what they can get you signed up for.

 

Just don't accept a brush off when it comes to seeking help. Be polite, but firm - and if you don't see any results within a reasonable time (say, you haven't heard back in a couple of weeks), see who your case manager's supervisor is, and let them know you had put in a request for assistance, and have not gotten any response from the person assigned to you.

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