I need some input, and some help.

[zzrez]

I'm 20, she is 18.

 

Well, its been roughly 2 months since my girlfriend dumped me. We've been together for about a year and 10/11 months. I won't go into great detail but in a nutshell, we thought we were made for each other, destined for each other, we had plans but sadly she couldn't take it anymore and dumped me shortly after my 20th Birthday.

It hurts, because we shared a common heritage and culture that brought us together, and I found everything about her to be in harmony.

Now there is a catch. In February shortly before valentines day she decided to "take a break" because someone was courting her, and she had some feelings, and on the spot told me she wants to end this to try this guy out.

I was hurt like hell.

This happened again, she left me once again, and decided to go date a guy she had always walked her dog with, claiming to me that he was "just a friend". I later find out he pressured her into having sex with her when she did not want to. It took an unfortunate car accident that put me in a coma for her to realize what she did was wrong. Since we had gotten back, I thought everything would be alright..

But come early december, we were having very minor issues, I was somewhat clingy to her and for this reason, she dumped me. For good. Again, I missed her, and this time I pleaded we get back together because I could not give her up, I don't want to, and I really did not want to. I had told myself I'd do everything to keep the love we shared alive.

This time she made a complete 180. Some days after this happened, she began to change.

Comes January, I begin to miss her so badly that I message her. I had not messaged her since the day she dumped me. I find out she has picked up a new guy and claims he's "just a friend" once again, and yet that their dating. She also goes to tell me she isn't seeing anyone.

Now this is where I worry.. I worry that, the love I had shown to my ex, would be looked back at as nothing, useless, worthless. It worries me greatly. Its what is on my mind every day. It adds on to the pain I feel about loosing her.

Despite loosing her and all she did to me I still wanted her back. But at this point, there is no return.

This is really hard..has anyone had any successful stories of recovery. I really want to move on but in my mind she lingers.

 

tl;dr: I need some emotional help/advice, I miss my ex a lot despite no going back.

[toby4]

It's hard and it's going to remaind hard for awhile but things do get better i promise. Take this as an opportunity to grow and make yourself into someone you can fall in love with, the perfect person in the world isn't necessarily "perfect" because if they were you couldn't help them grow. The "perfect" person will be someone who you can love despite every flaw and every problem you see in them and then those feelings have to be reciprocated. You will find someone some day who loves you for you, every little piece of you, the first step to recovering is earning back your self-respect and learning to love all those pieces yourself.

[zzrez]

So far, its starting to get just a little better. But the endless thoughts and "what-ifs" and things i've said before we stopped talking do worry me a lot.

[Twidom]

"Forced" her to have sex? Please, she willingly went to bed with him, don't fool yourself.

 

Something I've learned since my GF broke up with me and I'm glad I learned, is to remove the "what if" from your LIFE. Things are as they are. There is absolutely no point in thinking "What if that happened?" because it didn't and that's the only think you need to acknowledge. What if you were more caring, what if you jumped a bridge, what if what if what if. It doesn't matter at all because things are the way they are RIGHT NOW. So get that inside your mind or at least try. What if is a bad sentence that you need to purge from your vocabulary.

 

Also this girl does not look someone decent at all. She broke up with you several times to stay with another guy and you still want her? You need some self-respect and self-love. There is a better girl for you out there. One that will treat you the way you deserve.

[toby4]

“If you worry about what might be, and wonder what might have been, you will ignore what is.”

[zzrez]

This is something I've kept telling myself. And its probably the most hurtful thing from the relationship. She told me that or she was pressured into it, and that she regretting doing this.

 

Well, we can say she isn't decent but for me I can't make that conclusion because there were issues with me as well, mostly that being clingy, especially getting back with her the second time.

[Tayla92]

I know you must be feeling really heartbroken and lost at the moment without her, but everything you have mentioned is signs that this relationship with you and her just wasn't meant to be unfortunately. When you break up with someone 2 or 3 times but still get back together, it's just destined for disaster. Same thing happened with me and my first ex, we broke up and got back together 4 times and eventually I was the one that ended it lastly because it just wasn't the same. You deserve a lot better, not just to be thrown away then picked back up when she feels like it. I know you have a lot of questions that you probably won't get answers too, and that's the hardest bit. Trust that you will in time get over this, it takes a while and it's not easy but you will and you will be stronger and wiser from it. Keep your head up, and believe that everything does happen for a reason. Smile & be happy! Let the rest fall into place.

[zzrez]

Well, in the end, I guess its true. I was the hopeless romantic, extremely in the relationship. I held on to her not because I don't want to be alone but because there were aspects of her personality that I enjoyed a lot, and that we shared a common heritage.

 

And yes there are so many things that I would like answers to but they, like the relationship, have been lost to time.

 

I hurt because, after the breakup I did talk to her a few times, and she was cold, distant from me, as if we never knew each other despite testifying she is not a cold and spiteful person.

[toby4]

here's something i told myself when going through the hardest parts of my BU, these are some posts i've made in the past but i feel they can help you i feel my situation relates to yours

 

I've started to notice in myself that when i read other peoples post about break ups and asking what they should do i can answer it more easily even if the situation seems the exact same as mine. When i look at someone else going through something similar and i can offer advice that i should be also giving to myself. But then when i look at my own situation i just can't seem to be logical and i can't do what i would tell myself is the healthiest and most correct choice. So i guess what i'm trying to tell those who are going through a breakup and need advice try and say something in response to people who have similar situations to you. Sometimes you'll realize you should be telling yourself the same things and it's really helped my healing process.

i find it interesting how when i first posted here i came expecting answers and now i come hoping for advice... Sometimes you can see it in people they want the answer to their problem but there almost always just isn't an easy way out. Hell when i first started posting here (which wasnt very long ago) i was only seeking pity. Why didn't i come hoping for advice? I'm not sure, but looking back it seems like it would've been the right thing to do. Of course i decided to do what i WANTED not what would be healthy and i broke NC ive been in NC again for about a month and im really starting to feel healthier in my day to day attitude. I'm regaining confidence i'm listening to advice and trying my best to be honest with what i really want. I don't want my ex back, i want to prove to her that she wants me back and that just isn't a healthy way of thinking. Everyone has their own opinions and views on things and it's really interesting to see how different people think different scenarios should be approached i find it refreshing to give my outlook on something and to be thanked for it, it's a major confidence booster when you are feeling so broken from someone shattering your confidence.

[zzrez]

Thank you.

 

So you went through something similar as I did?

 

Edit: oops I forgot to quote this in response to Toby.

[Tayla92]

I am exactly the same! I'm always the hopeless romantic and get too invested in people I begin to like. It's really hard, and often at times I just want to give up on dating and relationships all together. I HATE when people you were once so close with, talk and act so distant because it's like they don't even care.. But I'm sure they actually do deep down.. She couldn't be that heartless. You'll get over it with time, promise! I'm sure lots of things will remind you of her and the things you used to do together, but just stick positive and things will get a lot better. Goodluck!

[zzrez]

I am exactly the same! I'm always the hopeless romantic and get too invested in people I begin to like. It's really hard, and often at times I just want to give up on dating and relationships all together. I HATE when people you were once so close with, talk and act so distant because it's like they don't even care.. But I'm sure they actually do deep down.. She couldn't be that heartless. You'll get over it with time, promise! I'm sure lots of things will remind you of her and the things you used to do together, but just stick positive and things will get a lot better. Goodluck!

 

Thanks! I am not sure about her really caring deep down inside, maybe she does but I wouldn't think that if she picked up a new guy within a month. I can't fathom how one can move on so so quickly. We had an extremely close bond. But I'm sure as other people will tell me, that either this is a rebound for her, which I doubt because she say she is happier than ever, and that she is free to do what she wants basically.

 

Me on the other hand, I have tried hard in the past since the breakup to let go of her but I couldn't, but I've now slowly been able to let go day

[toby4]

haha yes not to long ago, you just need to take steps in learning to let things not get you aggitated here's the thread that really helped me start to change for the better, for me, not for my ex

 

 

[zzrez]

haha yes not to long ago, you just need to take steps in learning to let things not get you aggitated here's the thread that really helped me start to change for the better, for me, not for my ex

 

]

 

The thread is a slight eye opener to me. It makes sense and it's a behavior I'll have to slowly develop.

I do hope in a few months the memories of this relationship become a back thought that will not permeate in my mind unless I really force it to.

 

Obviously only I really know but maybe there's something I don't know, what kind of person have I been dealing with all along?

[toby4]

Not only will you get over this but you'll come out a better person for that person you can call the one

[zzrez]

Not only will you get over this but you'll come out a better person for that person you can call the one

 

Did any thoughts or memories pertaining to your ex fade into the back? How long did it take you.

[toby4]

Yes i still think of her but it's more of looking back on fond memories, and that's the way i want it to stay as memories. there's no time cap for it (im particularly fast when it comes to these things), everyone gets over things at different paces but if you must know it took about a month of NC and then another month of serious self improvement little baby steps everyday to make myself more at ease with my life and the bad things that happen around me. Yes i stumbled and yes i fell every once in a while but that's natural it's what helps you learn.

[zzrez]

Am I being selfish for he way I feel ?

[zzrez]

I also do feel that everything is my fault, in the way she put things to me.

[toby4]

No, you're not being selfish. You're going through something incredibly difficult and you'll feel this way for awhile but as you'll hear time is what you need you just have to get by each day one step at a time. Her putting everything on you is showing she was immature and can't own up to any of the mistakes in the relationship, maybe SOME things were your fault but there is no way that it was all your fault. Relationships require two people to either work or break, it's never one persons fault she probably feels guilty and wants to push the blame off of herself to feel less guilty. Another huge flag that tells you she feels guilty is if she's trying to:

A) say i hope one day we can be friends

or

B) cant even talk to you without getting upset.

[zzrez]

No, you're not being selfish. You're going through something incredibly difficult and you'll feel this way for awhile but as you'll hear time is what you need you just have to get by each day one step at a time. Her putting everything on you is showing she was immature and can't own up to any of the mistakes in the relationship, maybe SOME things were your fault but there is no way that it was all your fault. Relationships require two people to either work or break, it's never one persons fault she probably feels guilty and wants to push the blame off of herself to feel less guilty. Another huge flag that tells you she feels guilty is if she's trying to:

A) say i hope one day we can be friends

or

B) cant even talk to you without getting upset.

 

Well, as I've mentioned before, she said she is happier than ever so I doubt she is feeling guilty. This combined with having someone new made me think that perhaps I was the bad one. Afterall, she's happier as she told me.

 

The last few times before we went full NC, I had told her I hated her because of the lie she revealed to me after she broke up with me, so I don't know if that had an effect on her. I told her to stop talking to me. I broke that after a week or two because I began to have serious withdrawls.

 

In the end, she had told me she could never share a life with me again, and that all of a sudden we're not compatible. She had written a little excerpt of her feelings about how she felt, and in it saying that she wanted to experience extrodinary love.

 

I never understood how someone you shared so much with could turn 180 on you all of a sudden.

 

All of this makes me feel like im purely the one to blame for everything, regardless of what her actions were to me in the past.

[silversoul]

It is not all of a sudden, she was contemplating this for a long time, you simply didn't know

[Twidom]

It is never sudden. There were small flags you missed along the road. It took me sometime to see, but a few weeks before my ex breaking up with me, she stopped holding hands with me. She stopped with the "eskimo kiss" thing we always did. She stopped looking me in the eye. At the time I did not see these things. Two days before breaking up with me, we were walking together in the park. I had to "fight" her to hold her hand. A couple minutes later she simply let go of my hand. In that moment, something sank inside my head and I started to get worried.

 

But alas, it was too late. So it's never all of a sudden. Your ex has been thinking about this for quite sometime now.

[zzrez]

I can never be too sure of this because, we were fine before all hell broke loose. If you read in my OP, she has been very cold and distant to me as if I never existed or that we did not have anything together, when she had left me twice before.

 

I feel stupid for wanting her back and over-looking her bad actions, because its the person she was that made me happy. A week or two before things ended we talked about going a couple places together for the winter break.

 

When I admitted that perhaps it was all my fault to her, she agreed that everything was, and began to told me things I never saw, that I screwed up everything.

[toby4]

I can never be too sure of this because, we were fine before all hell broke loose. If you read in my OP, she has been very cold and distant to me as if I never existed or that we did not have anything together, when she had left me twice before.

 

I feel stupid for wanting her back and over-looking her bad actions, because its the person she was that made me happy. A week or two before things ended we talked about going a couple places together for the winter break.

 

When I admitted that perhaps it was all my fault to her, she agreed that everything was, and began to told me things I never saw, that I screwed up everything.

 

you need to get some self respect and walk away from her man... she's not loving you or helping you grow in anyway, she's being flat out rude and inconsiderate.