Jump to content

Moved out 1 MO Ago NC- Seeing Things Clearly Now. Much Stronger/Confident/Aware


Recommended Posts

Tonight one month ago I left our home. I was broken. This last month has been the hardest month I have ever lived through. I landed on the floor of an old friend determined to build a new life for myself. Every moment was blurred by an intensely sharp and very real pain. I can't believe I've made it this far. I started by just walking. Literally walking around the blocks of this neighborhood, over and over again, day and night, just to have a distraction from the onslaught of feelings from this emotional wounding.

 

I was determined. I took baby steps each day no matter how hard to make some real progress and establish a confidence in working towards a goal. I) joined a gym and started lifting weights, (lost 10 lbs/got a tan/haircut) attended church each Sunday, worked very hard in therapy to sort out all my junk, re-joined my old tribute rock band and put some gigs in my book, avoided substances like alcohol, Called every human being I have ever known that has shown me kindness or friendship at some point and talked with them, buried the hatchet with my sister, studied vigorously for my exam next week, watched hours of self help material, practiced positive thinking, stayed in extreme No Contact with Ex despite the severe withdrawals, expelled the pain from my soul in a variety of ways (when my friend was not here) and signed up for Match and went on a few dates.

 

So, what's my point in all this? Well, I have made the realization that I have survived thus far. One month. It's may not be much but to me it means everything. I didn't think I could make it without her, let alone establish so much to signify my personal existence and happiness. I was such a weak, needy emotionally invested loser inside of that relationship. At least, that is what I became. That is not the man that she fell in love with by any means. I am better now than I ever was while with her. I can't believe I even let myself get to that state. Anyway, in my clarity I have realized everything she had said to me, all the things I did wrong. (and she did wrong) I realize the reason for the breakup and my part in it.

 

In my earlier thinking I said I would never contact her again. Though, I am beginning to have a feeling. Maybe starting a dialog with her. We ended really bad in a fury of emotion, which is unfortunate because we had such love and friendship for so long. I may want to reach out at some point and show her how I've changed. Let her know I understand and validate her. See if she is open to talking. I'm not saying reconciliation or anything, i'm just saying a clear talk, without all the heat. I am quite sure she misses me. I miss her, even though I have not contacted her. There is more work to do of course, it's just that I'm reaching a point in all this.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Awesome progress and keep going! Don't reach out to the ex until you've gotten to the point you'd be able to handle anything she might bring up or say to you, even an "I hate you, never come near me again" or "I'm seeing Bob, you remember him?" At that point when she's literally another person like the rest you can safely have that talk, if she wants it. Sometimes they don't and you just have to shrug it off and know you tried. In the meantime keep doing all of the really healthy excellent things you're doing. Best of luck.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...