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Still struggling to move on, keep fantasising about her.


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Hi all,

 

I was seeing a girl for about 4 months which ended in August last year. She was my first real crush I'd had in years and I fell a bit for her in hindsight. Also I got really addicted to the sex with her and how it made me feel, way more intense than anything else I've experienced. It was like getting hooked on a drug with her and I became completely obsessed with getting the hit.

 

Since then I've struggled to move on. It's been months and she's seeing someone new which I hate! Even though it was short and was mainly about sex (we weren't very compatible, or maybe we were but the sex became the focus and nothing further developed), I still find myself obsessing months later.

 

I'm struggling to stop fantasising about her these days as well. Even porn is ruined for me these days as I just end up picturing her, or I'm looking for content with the things she used to do that I found out I was into as a result of being with her, things that other women I've been with aren't into and I worry I won't find again.

 

I know I should just be grateful for the experience but I can't let go of the experience now. I'm concerned I'll just compare future partners with her and be let down if things aren't up to scratch sexually etc.

 

I also feel like since sex was the focus and we weren't overly compatible I pushed her away and didn't give things much of a chance. Even though I ended it as it wasn't a good situation in the end, it now feels like she's the one that got away and I can't let go of that feeling.

 

How do I go about stopping the obsession? And how do I get over her and get her out of my head for good?

 

Thanks

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Why I got so hooked:

 

1 - first crush I've had in years, immediate emotional connection.

2 - I was extremely attracted to her physically.

3 - I'm a very sexually driven person.

4 - so is she, and super kinky as well. We were pretty evenly matched in that department.

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You have to strangle hope. That's what slows down the obsessing.

 

I also think you're glossing over all of the bad things which led to this instead of being realistic in the fact that there were problem so insurmountable that you dropped her off at the mall.

 

It's psychotic hope that has got you obsessing about someone you admitted that you had nothing in common with and you pushed for the break up. If things were that great with her, you'd have been able to see your way clear to stick with her and work through your issues.

 

And it's rubbish to think that you will never find someone who speaks to you, sexually, like this girl has. You will find someone who supercedes her and leave your ex in the dust... but as long as you've got your ex up on a holy pedestal, you're never going to find that out because you're too busy worshipping the false construct of a memory you've built about her.

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We didn't treat each other very well. I was unsure if I was ready for a relationship, and to her I was a rebound from her ex. So I wrote things off pretty early and we kept it casual but I got jealous when she slept with someone else. I did as a well as a result of that. It got messy and was on again off again for a while until I ended it for my own sanity.

 

I think to her I was just sex, which would normally be fine for me but I got attached and didn't realise until it was too late.

 

I still feel like it was a missed opportunity though. Like I could have done things differently and it might not have gotten so bad and I would still have her.

 

You're right about the false construct though. I sugarcoat the negatives and exaggerate the positives. I continually second guess my decision to break it off. Now she's with someone new and getting pretty serious, meanwhile I obsess over what could have been.

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Why I got so hooked:

 

1 - first crush I've had in years, immediate sexual connection.

2 - I was extremely attracted to her physically.

3 - I'm a very sexually driven person.

4 - so is she, and super kinky as well. We were pretty evenly matched in that department.

 

^Fixed that for ya. Sex can be addicting. Basically she opened a door for you into a world you are not going to forget and once that door is open, it's not going to get closed again. However, realize that she is not the only one into these things out there. Lots of women are. So instead of focusing on the past, put your energy into finding a woman who is sexually into the same things AND is compatible in other ways too. That's your real jackpot and she is out there for sure. You just have to stop pining for the past to find her.

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Hi Melbournite, i can relate. Although sex was only a part of our relationship, it was a new type of sex i had experienced and I can honestly say that this is one of the things I am missing (like you said it feels like a drug fix). We were both very sexual people, he was into things i had not experienced before....opened a door into something different. The chemistry was perfect!

 

I sometimes get tempted to just ask if we can meet but I do not want to demote myself from being his once grilfriend to a FWB.

 

He broke up with me after 4 months after he realised he fell for me and chickened out. We both went in looking for fun and ended up getting more attacehd than expected. I hope he regrets it.

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