Live-N-Learn Posted February 6, 2014 Author Share Posted February 6, 2014 I was just playing...I am spoken for as well. Either way, good to know I made the consideration list Link to comment
kompakt Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 There is nothing worse than a grammar nazi on a message board. I guess that's my only deal breaker lol.... Not mysterious for me. If someone does something on my list of dealbreakers, I wouldn't even be attracted to them. Well I disagree, if I had that attitude I wouldn't of met so many great people in my life, both partners and friends. Trust me they were not much when things started out when I first new them, but as time has gone on those people have really grown into special people. You have a shopping list of deal breakers, but someimes you must break them to find someone special. I think it's more about morals than any superficial lists. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 There is nothing worse than a grammar nazi on a message board. I guess that's my only deal breaker lol.... Well I disagree, if I had that attitude I wouldn't of met so many great people in my life, both partners and friends. Trust me they were not much when things started out when I first new them, but as time has gone on those people have really grown into special people. You have a shopping list of deal breakers, but someimes you must break them to find someone special. I think it's more about morals than any superficial lists. Sorry, but if someone is racist/homophobic I instantly find them completely unattractive. I suppose your saying I should give them a shot any way? Link to comment
Live-N-Learn Posted February 6, 2014 Author Share Posted February 6, 2014 I guess I will share the qualities I was looking for and found in my gf. First of all I had to figure out what was important to me and learn how to become the type of man that could attract a person with these qualities. It took me some time to become the man I wanted to be, but it was worth the effort. So here we go: Kind heart - cares about others and people are drawn to her Self reflective - has the ability to look within and see where she needs to grow and works on herself to be the best she can be as a person Compassionate - can put herself in the other persons place and sympathize Fights fair - looks for compromise and resolution to grow the relationship not to win the argument Loves kids - loves mine and and tries to love them as close as she can to her own Honest - will always tell me the truth even if she knows it may be hard for me to hear Trustworthy - self explanatory Has women friends - I can not be her only support. I think it is important for her to have women friends she can confide in Encourages me to have men friends - understand that she can not be my only support Family goals - that we are on the same page as to where we want to go as a family and couple if we get married Not a jealous person - I never plan on giving her a reason to be jealous but some ppl are prone to this and I can not deal with it Sex - enjoys it with me Spiritually - we both have the same beliefs Communication - is a good communicator and can express herself and we can have meaningful conversations that create a deeper connection Fun - we have fun together Drama - does not exist in our relationship by our own doing. I hate drama Attractive - I must be attracted to her physically even if others do not find her that way. It only matters what I think since its my list Not a party person - way past that stage of my life Self confidence - does not look to me to give her all her self worth and value Emotionally healthy - has dealt with her past and worked through her past issues Can admit when she is wrong - never being able to say your sorry and full of pride is a turn off for me Not a gossip - a must Not Critical - Big difference between constructive criticism and being critical These are all I can think of right now. Link to comment
kompakt Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 Sorry, but if someone is racist/homophobic I instantly find them completely unattractive. I suppose your saying I should give them a shot any way? Come on your talking crappy hypothetical's, being racist or homophobic is a turn off to anyone that is just common sense and no one who is in their right mind would want to be with someone like that. I'm talking about stuff like "being fit", "non-smoker", "must have a car" and "must earn X amount of $$$". Link to comment
Angler Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 Come on your talking crappy hypothetical's, being racist or homophobic is a turn off to anyone that is just common sense and no one who is in their right mind would want to be with someone like that. I'm talking about stuff like "being fit", "non-smoker", "must have a car" and "must earn X amount of $$$". Why should I feel compelled to date someone who is unhealthy or who would become dependent on me financially or otherwise? "Not smoking" is common sense. It's a stupid, reckless, society burdening, money wasting addiction. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 Come on your talking crappy hypothetical's, being racist or homophobic is a turn off to anyone that is just common sense and no one who is in their right mind would want to be with someone like that. I'm talking about stuff like "being fit", "non-smoker", "must have a car" and "must earn X amount of $$$". So, I, who go to the gym three to four times a week should date someone who is 100 lbs over weight, sits on the couch all day and has no motivation to change their unhealthy life style? Your being hypocritical to say that you have no deal breaks but then back track by saying that of course you would not date a racist/homophobic, guess what? That is a deal breaker for you! Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 ^I really like that post, Live n Learn. I like that it is in the affirmative, and I like and want all those same things in a partner. I also like that you mentioned the part about being the kind of person to attract someone like that. Not only to attract, but to be able to maintain and have a healthy and mutually appreciative relationship based on all those good things. One I would personally, for myself, add to that list is curious. A curious and active mind is very attractive to me, and important to me in the long run as far as keeping my interest and satisfaction in a relationship with someone. Conversation and bouncing ideas/opinions about all that is going on in the world, around us, and ourselves is very important to me. Intellectually/mentally compatible. I also am deeply drawn to conviction and courage. A man who can be strong and deep in his convictions and what he stands for, while being humble, is very attractive. Reliability, his word meaning something (keeping promises he does make), and being reasonably transparent work well with who I am. This thread is helpful. Link to comment
Angler Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 Itsallgrand - I think the happybear quote in your signature is very applicable to this thread! Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 Yeah Angler, she's a smart woman! Love that quote. Link to comment
Live-N-Learn Posted February 6, 2014 Author Share Posted February 6, 2014 itsallgrand- I agree with everything you mentioned you are looking for in a man that was not already on my list. I am working on all of those as well! Link to comment
Moontiger Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 I think for me, the bottom line is I don't like to waste time when I date. I know there are certain kinds of people (racist, homophobic, unmotivated, uninterested in intellectual discovery, extremely out of shape, etc) that I could not work well with in a romantic way. Why should I waste mine or anyone else's time? Unless someones deal breakers included things like, "Must be between 5'3-5'6, long hair, never listens to pop music, with C or D boobs, etc" I don't think its wrong to have 5-10 BIG things to help guide your dating life. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 Not that I need a partner but... No smokers for me. I am asthmatic and smoke makes my son ill. No drugs No victim mentality .....( my husband did that for 15 years. Could never face that again) No liars If have mental illness issues must take their medication and must have therapy . Link to comment
Di84 Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 Maybe I'm incorrect here but does a comma really belong before the "or" after "disabilities"? HAHAHA Good one!!!! Link to comment
Di84 Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 This thread makes me think of a friend of mine. She is a really smart girl and comes from a really rich family. Her annual salary is over 100k. She lives alone and is very independent. But her issue is that she can be very obnoxious and vain. She thinks she is better than everyone else and definitely thinks she can outsmart everyone. She got divorced (her ex left her) and after a year started dating again. She was looking for a 10/10. The guy had to make over 100k, be really smart, high level position, be rich, be nice, respectful, love her, compliment her, dress well, etc. Please note that this girl is also really not attractive (I only say this because by reading this you would think she was by the way she thinks of herself). However, a funny thing happened. She started dating a guy that lived in her apartment building. He was super sweet, did everything for her, complimented her, etc... but he was under educated and made more than half her salary. She constantly complained about how it was so embarrassing for her to introduce him to her family and friends because he just wasn't good enough, didn't make enough money, didn't have a nice car, nice clothes, etc. The best part: he broke up with her because he decided she was not good enough for HIM. He got totally fed up of her putting him down and decided he wanted a down to earth girl that values him and appreciated how caring and loving he was. When he broke up with her she thought he would run back to her, but he didn't. She then became obsessive and then depressed. She lost a good guy. So I can't help but wonder.... is someone's salary, education, and material things more important than what they have to offer on the inside? Food for thought. Link to comment
tiredofvampires Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 She must smoke a pack of cigarettes a day, also she must drink to excess like a bottle of vodka at a time and take loads of illegal drugs, that's a huge turn on. She must have hairy armpits and a forest in her pants. I like my girls overweight, but not obese to the point of breaking the bed when your in it. They also must put out 3 times a day every day and cook me dinner every single night. They must know how to clean up after me, and don't mind if I piss on the toilet seat. Also I like dumb girls, more specific dumb blondes. Ah - - DAMN!! I'm a brunette!! So close. fml Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 "So I can't help but wonder.... is someone's salary, education, and material things more important than what they have to offer on the inside? Food for thought." To me education is an internal value not a material thing and not somehow external as you imply. Your friend's situation simply has to do with her arrogance and poor social skills -not with whether she is educated or has a good salary. An unemployed or underemployed person could be just as arrogant and rude. Link to comment
tiredofvampires Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 Preach it, girl! Preach it!! What more can be said? And him looking for those things in me, too. Curiosity, courage, and inquiry. I'm looking for someone who, in the words, of Brene Brown, "will go into the ring ready to get their ass kicked." I want to share wonder, the world, with someone. What else are we doing here? Link to comment
Blue Spiral Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 I don't know if "partner" is the right term, in my case, but... 1. Hot. 2. Willing. 3. Ideally single, a non-criminal, not annoying, not dramatic, and not pure evil...but these things are negotiable based on level of hotness. Link to comment
happpybear Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 Itsallgrand - I think the happybear quote in your signature is very applicable to this thread! Yeah Angler, she's a smart woman! Love that quote. Aww thanks you guys!! You made my day! ^I really like that post, Live n Learn. I like that it is in the affirmative, and I like and want all those same things in a partner. I also like that you mentioned the part about being the kind of person to attract someone like that. Not only to attract, but to be able to maintain and have a healthy and mutually appreciative relationship based on all those good things. One I would personally, for myself, add to that list is curious. A curious and active mind is very attractive to me, and important to me in the long run as far as keeping my interest and satisfaction in a relationship with someone. Conversation and bouncing ideas/opinions about all that is going on in the world, around us, and ourselves is very important to me. Intellectually/mentally compatible. I also am deeply drawn to conviction and courage. A man who can be strong and deep in his convictions and what he stands for, while being humble, is very attractive. Reliability, his word meaning something (keeping promises he does make), and being reasonably transparent work well with who I am. This thread is helpful. I totally agree with all of this, my partner being curious is a big deal to me too. This world is utterly fascinating and we are utterly fascinating. I don't know how anyone could ever be bored while living on this planet. Discovering and leaning new things, having that almost childlike wonder about this world, people, cultures, ourselves, everything, is so important to me. The day that I am no longer curious is the day that my soul dies. This is something that is so central to my being that I cannot be with someone that does not share the same sensibilities. Living a healthy lifestyle is non-negotiable. He has to enjoy and want to take care of his diet and body and it's not necessarily about vanity, or because he feels he has too, but because he wants to and also realizes that if he doesn't take care of himself it will be unfair to myself and the family in the long run. I would say also being smart with his finances is non-negotiable. I work hard for every dollar I earn, and I don't throw my money away. I don't buy something unless I have the money in the bank (I'm not talking about giant purchases like real estate, where you will have a debt burden) and I can't be with someone that does not share the same values towards money. Kindness and willingness to help other people and creatures is non-negotiable. He has to be altruistic. I don't know if "partner" is the right term, in my case, but... 1. Hot. 2. Willing. 3. Ideally single, a non-criminal, not annoying, not dramatic, and not pure evil...but these things are negotiable based on level of hotness. Lmao...are you serious though? Link to comment
Throwaway999 Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 I like both of these posts, and I share a lot of the same values. I've been in some relationships where my partner possessed some of these traits, but never all of them. I've also been in relationships where my partner lacked some important things that I didn't even know were important until I had been in that relationship. I also lacked some things myself, or didn't know how to act in a relationship, and I messed things up, myself. So, I think my string of failed relationships have been educational in that regard! I also think I'm in a much better position to be a good partner in a relationship than I was previously, because I've learned a lot, and I'm more aware. Unfortunately, most of these qualities that you want in another person are things that you can't tell immediately when you meet someone. I'm pretty intuitive, and there are some things that are non-negotiable for me because help weed out the people who wouldn't have these qualities. However, somebody could have a lot of these qualities but still not be physically attractive to me, and vice versa. You can see somebody that is attractive and that doesn't immediately lack your non-negotiable qualities, but you still won't know what they are REALLY like until you get a bit deeper and really get to know them. And of course, you've got to meet them, and they've got to be attracted to you, too. Which makes it hard not to think that the odds are very, very small! Link to comment
toby4 Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 Hmmm as cheesy (or whatever you want to call it) as it is i think a lot of the qualities portrayed by the people on this forum are things i look for in a person. Most specifically being empathy/compassion. Link to comment
Blue Spiral Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 Lmao...are you serious though? For a FWB, yes. But when I was younger, and seeking relationships, I had a fourth requirement: niceness. Link to comment
kompakt Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 Why should I feel compelled to date someone who is unhealthy or who would become dependent on me financially or otherwise? "Not smoking" is common sense. It's a stupid, reckless, society burdening, money wasting addiction. Your assuming too much here. Some people are just overweight, that doesn't make them a bad person and not worth a date. I'm not sure how much money you make, if it's a lot good for you mate but a lot of people are still stuck in low paying jobs due to many reasons but are still financially independent even if they are on the lower socioeconomic side of things. Are you just going to count them out because they are not rich enough for you? Your missing out on some great people if you deal breaker is she must earn XXX amount of money. And It's not like smokers are bad people, come on be realistic on the scale bad vs good it doesn't even rate in my books. It's a personal choice, in the end that you have to respect wther you like it or not. If the love of your life was a smoker you would compromise, that I know. You say you won't but I would call BS, if she was the one you may not like it but would get past it. So, I, who go to the gym three to four times a week should date someone who is 100 lbs over weight, sits on the couch all day and has no motivation to change their unhealthy life style? Your being hypocritical to say that you have no deal breaks but then back track by saying that of course you would not date a racist/homophobic, guess what? That is a deal breaker for you! Reading your posts you have suffered from a deep depression and your parents still pay your bills and you earn no money. You of all people should understand that all people have their own issues that they deal with every day. Would you like to be judged on your current situation and told you were a mentally ill mooching bum that no one should date? Should you not date because you have had a hard time in the past few years? That's insane talk off course you should still be able to date no matter what your current life position is. People deserve to be happy and cutting a large proportion of prospective partners out because of X, Y & Z is shallow and could miss out on meeting some great people who will change your life forever. No it's not a deal breaker in this case it's having morals. And then what really explains the people who do go out with racists and homophobic people. Because they do, I guess they see different qualities in them and overlook the bad. Link to comment
kompakt Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 Ah - - DAMN!! I'm a brunette!! So close. fml Damm we could of been special, now you just left me hanging in suspense. A brunette you say? Well I can compromise on the blond hair. If you had all those qualities I could really see us having a great future together BTW they gave me a warning for that post LOL, I guess some people don't know how to take sarcasm. Link to comment
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