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Fiancee contacted ex behind my back


Farmdogg

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This is going to be very convoluted, so please bear with me. My fiancee and I have been engaged for a few months now, and are scheduled to be married in less than 2 months. When we first started talking, she broke it off with a guy she dated in the past and had started to talk to again. She had already made plans to visit him in Vegas, which she cancelled when we started talking. This past weekend, she and I traveled to Vegas for a vacation. While there, she told me she had been having dreams of emotional connections with past boyfriends, but only each one once and he wasn't one of them. I did a lot of research on this, and I feel as if this is her subconscious squaring away her past relationships in her mind so she can move forward. After we discussed and argued about this, we went out for drinks. That night, while drunk, she messaged him on Facebook to see how he was doing, and then deleted the message the next morning because "she felt guilty." She says that she felt bad how she ended it and wanted to make sure he was ok and wanted to apologize and get it off of her chest, as she didn't actually tell him she was seeing someone else, she said it was due to an illness in the family. I read the messages she didn't delete, and they were all innocent. I honestly believe that she meant well, but the entire way she handled it was shady. I'm extremely upset as 1: she didn't tell me she was feeling this way, I only found out about it when he replied back and I saw it on her phone, and 2: she lied to me previously in saying that she blocked him, and insisted she had until I confronted her about the message, then she admitted she unblocked him a while ago, although she hadn't talked to him until now. I'm feeling very insecure about this, as she knowingly went behind my back, covered her tracks, and lied about it, and only admitted it when confronted with the facts. I feel like this is absolutely not OK, but I'm not ready to postpone the wedding just yet. I'm really just looking for advice on this, I know which way I'm leaning but I'd like to have a third party's perspective on the situation. Thanks for any input you can provide.

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I've been through this situation - and you know what - people do have to forgive others and themselves to move on. Engagements, getting yourself ready will make you wanna to clean up what you got before getting married. My now-husband did the whole weird contact ex thing. It wasn't romantic. And it wasn't because of dissatisfaction to her. And he has no idea I know about it.

 

All I know is that after it happened, they have barely spoken, he doesn't care to speak to her, think about her, and she's married too. It was something I'm sure he needed to do.

 

In the grand scheme of things - is it something you can forgive and move forward on?

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Can you trust her not to get in touch with any of her ex's anymore? That is really the main question here.

 

If she's got so much "unfinished business" and "closure" she needs to make sure they've got, the you need to cut her loose so she can go sew up her raggedy ends before you allow her anywhere near you in front of an altar.

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We've wanted to be with each other for a very long time, as we've known we're very compatible. She's in the Air Force, and is deploying overseas in April for 6 months. When she gets back, I'm moving to her location, and in order to have our moving expenses covered, we need to be married first. I admit that it sounds foolish to get married based on this, and this definitely isn't our only reason, but one of many. It makes perfect sense to us.

 

I don't have a big problem with her contacting him, and I'm over that part. The part that worries me is the things she did to cover it up. That just seemed shady, and made me suspicious of everything.

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There's something within her heart that's making her want to contact this guy and in the end; marriage can't and won't stop her from having feelings for him.

 

Please make sure that the 2 of you are marrying each other for the right reasons: because you love one another and because it's something that the both of want whole-heartedly and because to two of you can grow and prosper together in unity.

 

Marriages end all of the time because of mixed emotions so please be certain before tying the knot because in the end; you can save yourself from the pain that comes with betrayal.

 

I personally think that she isn't ready because of the lying and her sneaky behavior but this is your life so I'm sure that you will do what you choose in the end.

 

Good Luck!!!

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Marrying her in order to get your moving expenses covered is a pretty flimsy excuse, especially when she's lying about her involvment with her ex.

 

If she was emotionally free of him, she wouldn't be calling him for any reason whatsoever.

 

Well, the 3rd person in your relationship is her ex. Hope you can live with his presence.

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You mention that you have known her for 10 years as a friend. In all that time you probably have had a glimpse of how she tends to operate in her relationships. It is my belief that past behavior is an indication of future behavior, especially if there are patterns emerging again and again. If she tends to screw people over then in time your turn may come. If she tends to treat people decently, then you are probably ok.

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You both are not ready for marriage. It has nothing to do with contacting this guy. Knowing someone casually or as a friend is not the same as dating them. Actually, I think that she might not have had any time or taken any time to grieve her ended relationship or to get closure before she started to date you. She might feel badly that she lied and did not tell him the truth that she left him for you. I get that. I would date for another year or two. Not to "punish" her at all - i think that there is unfinished business on both of your ends from moving into marriage so quickly. You need to slow down.

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