Confused

[happy79]

So I've ended up in a messy situation. I have a best friend who I've known for nearly 16 years. We've only been living closer again for the last 3 years. Over that time we have become incredibly close.

 

I am gay and my friend is straight. She has admitted to being attracted to girls but is by all accounts and purposes straight. She is straight and married.

 

It is true that you don't choose who you fall in love with because I do not wish how I feel on anyone. I have fallen in love with her. So I decided the sensible thing to do was to tell her and ask for space.

 

So I did tell her. I also told her and she agreed that we have amazing chemistry and that I felt we had an awesome connection. She agreed but said that she loves her husband. I certainly did not want to impact that. She wants us to stay friends and doesn't want to lose me.

 

I love her to pieces but I'm not sure I can be friends. The guilt is too much around being in love with someone who is married. She doesn't get my request for space and wants to hang out all the time.

 

She also said something that hurt me. I asked her about a few things that have happened between us - both in the past (15 years ago before she was married). Just because they were always 'mystery' moments in my life and I wanted closure.

 

We basically spoke about sleeping together and she said she couldn't remember. But then she went on to say 'it was at your Nan's house'. So I was confused to how she couldn't remember but knew the location.

 

I asked her why she had the conversation with me. She said it was probably a rebellion/revenge thing against her boyfriend (now husband) at the time. The thing is that they weren't together then, she had just started dating another guy.

 

I feel a little upset that she would 'use' me in this way as we are meant to be 'sister' close. Is it just my perspective but I would never use a friend as 'revenge/rebellion'? In fact I don't think I have.

 

Anyway, I was convinced she felt something and I merely wanted to bring the elephant in the room to discuss. I also wanted to say it was wise we have some space but the conversation just opened a can of worms. I just wanted to be a good friend by being honest, rather than just suddenly walking away with no explanation - but maybe that would have been better. I was trying to retain the friendship while trying to do the right thing and prevent something happening drukenly one night.

 

I guess a bit of me is also upset as I usually have a good gut instinct for these things and have always been pretty accurate in the past. So I also feel silly as she has probably walked away thinking I'm arrogant or completely crazy for thinking she felt something.

 

I still think I did the right thing and longer term it should protect the friendship. If she had have felt the same then I think stepping away would have been good for her marriage because I don't want to be that person.

[sammi87]

As for the confusion over what she said- there are many times when two people are remembering something long, long ago and they know they are both talking about the same instance...but each has a different remembering of the details. So while she recalls the night you are talking about and that it was at your Gran's house, she may still disagree on what exactly happened. But as you say, that is in the past.

 

For now, you need to stay strong on your request for space. You have done a good job in telling her WHY this is necessary. But you need to be more firm with her. Next time she requests contact with you, just say "I'm sorry because I know this hurts you, but it's really better for all of us if I stay away for a while". Don't answer any follow up questions as you have already done the decent thing in acknowledging her feelings and clearly explaining your boundaries. You do not have to respond to her attempts to push those boundaries. One day, when time has passed and you have fallen head over heals for someone else, THEN you can attempt a truly platonic friendship.