i get depressed thinking about sex.

[whiteisland]

I'm a 23 year old female who never has gotten off during sex. or from anyone else for that matter. I hate thinking about having sex with someone new and going through the whole getting to know them stage AGAIN, which would explain my last 2.5 year joke of a relationship. anyways..this guy i'm seeing, we had been going out for almost a month before we actually had sex...which in that time the chemistry was great...felt that spark when you kiss, the want and the needs and all those fantastic feelings (: well when we finally did wander back into the bedroom i regret every minute of it..normally my whole point in sex is to get the guy off and then its over so we dont have to talk about me...lol. well not 1 minute into "trying" to have sex he lost his function. which to me is the ultimate turn off. automatically i think "was it me? what did i do? is something wrong? whats going through his head? someone else? porn addict?" i HATE IT. i tried to get things going again and play it off as cool because i know it happens...but it was just over for that night. had sex twice since then and all 3 times same thing happened. hes 26, healthy, active. but the first time it happened he said he was just tired and had a cold..but now i'm starting to feel like theres an underlying issue and like i should bring it up but i know its such a touchy subject with guys. i get severely depressed thinking about it and then i spiral down into my past relationships and i honestly feel like not seeing him anymore and becoming some sort of nun. i'm not sure if i'm looking for answers...or just unbiased opinions to discuss it with that wont take my side and tell me to move on AGAIN.

[Kendahke]

Why are you putting so much pressure on yourself and the guy to perform? Why aren't you allowing it to develop organically?

 

Perhaps you should change your whole point and make it about you getting off instead of him. Him seeing you enjoying yourself is what will get him off. When you go at it like you're servicing him and do not want to allow him to enjoy you getting into it, I'm sure it makes him feel like an interchangable machine part.

 

Sex is best when you relax allow things to flow without manipulating outcomes.

[whiteisland]

because it doesnt happen for me, i already know this. and we didnt even get that far for that to be the problem, it happened immediately. which is why i'm upset

[Kendahke]

then you're giving off a vibe that is causing him to shut down.

 

have you spoken with a therapist about it? Your doctor? Could it be anxiety from a past experience causing this?

[whiteisland]

well it's certainly not like i just lay there, with a bored expression and wait for it to be over lol but like i said we barely get started..youd think if i gave off vibes i would have came accross this problem more often.

 

i dont talk to anyone about this, never have

[JustLetGo]

Ah, sucks a lot.

 

When I have sex, my goal is to get the woman to climax BEFORE me. Because like Kendahke said, the male will climax automatically.

If I were a woman, I would focus on myself for this very same reason I think.You should try and enjoy yourself more, put the focus on you and the rest will easily follow.

 

Just to clarify this a bit more, although I am sure you will know. The head of the penis is comparable to the clitoris, it will get enough stimulation on it's own. Although the clit won't.

[lisa725]

Look, you have to do a couple things for yourself. One, you have to de-stress and be calm. The lack of orgasm is not an issue. All women go through that because we do not work like men. Second you need to find something to do that you love the is physical. It can be anything, I would suggest just walking outside or something like that. It will help you have a clear mind, stay active, and be happy with yourself. Third, you need to figure out how to get yourself off. Once you have that figured out then you can tell your significant other how to do it. Fourth, you need to stop 'faking- it' with him. Be yourself and maybe he will loosen up to so that he can calm down. One thing you can do with him is walking outside. Both of you will have a clear mind, good exercise and remember to eat good! Both males and females need to have the energy to have sex as far as blood pressure goes.

[whiteisland]

ok just to clarify the only way i can is with a vibrator and i am sure as hell not letting a man sit there with one and try to get me off lol...i would rather just not have sex. i still enjoy sex, i've just accepted that thats my problem and i guess i dont really care except that now ive found a guy that idk...cant perform? and am at a total loss, and im sorry but i dont think going outside and taking a walk is going to make his boner last.

 

also i apologize if my replies go to the wrong people, i'm not an avid forum user

[kompakt]

Never had this issue as a man, he must be suffering some kind of performance anxiety otherwise he maybe impotent. But if he can't get a boner then.... Maybe buy him some Viagra, that should do the trick.

[mhowe]

Many times with a "new" guy, they are just as anxious as you.

 

I had a bf when I was in my 20's....hottest guy ever....and the first time we went for it, he couldn't. Shrug it off. It is in his head (the big one)...not about you.

[Lorem Ipsum]

I hate thinking about having sex with someone new and going through the whole getting to know them stage AGAIN

Well, and maybe that's part of the problem. If you've already got the preconceived idea in your head that sex is going to be a chore because you won't enjoy it because you're not going to get off, you could be telegraphing that to the guy through your words or actions, making him anxious about being able to please you.

 

Not all guys are turned off by the use of toys in the bedroom. Sex is supposed to be fun. You're supposed to enjoy exploring each other and learning about each other's bodies/what you each like but it's like you think he should be able to read your mind and just *know* what would get you off without you saying anything. It seems like you want to get from 0-60 in 7.3 seconds flat and not just enjoy the ride.

 

I also think that for most people, the first time with a new partner isn't all fireworks and moving earth and angels weeping. If that's your expectation going in, you're bound to be disappointed.

[zentoCC]

ok just to clarify the only way i can is with a vibrator and i am sure as hell not letting a man sit there with one and try to get me off lol...i would rather just not have sex. i still enjoy sex, i've just accepted that thats my problem and i guess i dont really care except that now ive found a guy that idk...cant perform? and am at a total loss, and im sorry but i dont think going outside and taking a walk is going to make his boner last.

 

also i apologize if my replies go to the wrong people, i'm not an avid forum user

 

Why wouldn't you let a guy use a vibrator on you? Most guys love to get girls off and if toys work, why not have a bit of fun?

[whiteisland]

i'm going to put this in more detail i guess....i like sex. i have just gotten to the point that i believe a guy will never get me off, i don't give off vibes i wouldn't think. everything was fine right up until the first time we had sex...we were both hyped up and ready to go...got into bed, barely started..and he lost it lol maybe people arent reading thoroughly or its just the simple fact i cant give all the specific details so everyone cant see where i'm coming from. this happened again the second and just the last time. i do play it off like its no big deal, i certainly am not going to cause a scene but i feel like if this is how its going to be we should probably talk about it but i'm not sure how you even go about talking about something like that.

 

as far as on my end...i am far too shy to even think about trying to explain or walk him through using a vibrator on me..it's just too personal and i'd rather just do it myself.

[mhowe]

It is his problem, not yours.

 

And if he knew it was an issue, he should have said something. Three times is an issue.

[whiteisland]

good lord THANK YOU! i'm starting to feel like it's my fault when it hasn't even gotten that far yet lol like i said though the first time he made it sound like it was cause he was sick and really tired..but i don't think thats a problem and i feel like if it keeps up i should say something..very delicately

[louisecar]

Whiteisland, it is not your fault that he is losing his erection. I would have thought that the first time and perhaps the 2nd were down to performance anxiety. I have had a couple of men lose their erections during sex the first time but they were able to get going again after a few minutes. Since this has happened 3 times, he either suffers with impotence or he has let the first time get into his pysche and bother him so much that hes causing the problem.

 

As for not being able to get off with a man, do not assume this will be the case forever. You need a man who understands that your clit needs to be stimulated during sex manually with his (or indeed your) hand (Or a vibrator once you feel comfortable enough to ask a partner). A lot of sex positions do not allow for your clit to be stimulated right so a hand touching down there works wonders. Also wondering if youve ever tried oral or come close to orgasm from that? If a man knows what he is doing its guaranteed to get me off.

[Liraele]

If I were you, I'd be figuring out what I needed to do to get myself there, rather than focusing on his shortcomings. Sex is supposed to be fun! You're missing out on all of those happy endorphins and doing yourself a serious disservice.

 

Find out what ticks your boxes and teach the dudes you sleep with how to get it done. (Bonus... it tends to make it more fun for them, too. The whole "Oh yeah, I did that for you" mentality.)