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The Stages of Grief - is it BS? If not where the hell am I?


phonechucker

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You can look over my last post to see how this break-up happened. In a nutshell I was with someone for a little over a year and a half and we had a pretty nasty falling out. It's been almost 4 months since the split.

 

We had 2 failed attempts of having conversations in person within a month of the breakup. Neither went well. The first was me crying, saying I was sorry for throwing his phone out my window (read my original post) and his response was a total cop-out "I don't want to talk about it... but can we still be friends?" which made me madder than hell and bolting straight out the front door.

 

The second attempt I went to his house and asked if we could try to fix things. He replied a simple "NO", then I cried for 2+ hours. He kept hugging me everytime I calmed down which would started the crying all over again. Finally as I was trying to leave he kept hugging me even as I was walking out the door. The only other words said were "why do you keep holding me? Every time I catch my breath I get upset again". Again I was fed another one of his simple one word responses, "Sorry". it found this whole situation to be very, very odd.

 

I wrote him one letter about a month and a half later telling him that it was wrong of him to be so discreet about the interactions of him and his ex girlfriend and passing off me being upset as "jealousy". I told him I loved him and that one day perhaps we could be friend, under specific and respectable conditions.

 

For the most part it's been NC. I emailed him last week asking about important tax papers that were sent to his house (I used to live there) that I needed ASAP because I may be moving out of town in a month. His response was short. He said he hope I was doing well and asked where I was moving to. I replied with maybe a few sentences about my relocation but never heard anything back from him.

 

So again, it's been 4 months since the break.

 

The first month I was so angry and confused and I cried all day and all night long, everyday.

 

The second month I was still pissed and confused and cried one or twice a day min, everyday.

 

The third month felt like I had a bit of clarity on what happen but still depressed - I cried for 2 or 3 days straight, then had a day of feeling a bit better, then the next day something would set me off and the tears would flow again.

 

This month I seem to be doing better with both the anger and the depression part but today seemed to be a bad bad day for it. I missed him in the morning and spent at least a couple hours online trying to find new ways to expedite this whole mourning phase, sigh. All day long he has been on my mind and for the most part I've been feeling bitter and angry again.

 

I know that there are suppose to be 5 stages of grief after a break up. Shock (been there), Denial/Bargaining (failed attempts). Anger and depression being two separate stages then acceptance as the last stage.

 

What if I am equally angry and depressed at the same time? What stage would this mean I am in? Do these stages flow in order ALWAYS ?

 

What is acceptance if I don't know what he feels or even what happened? I forgive myself, I can see how this is better for me but I am still so damn confused about what exactly happened since I never got any answers or clarity to the issues at hand! I'm having a really hard time trying to figure out this true meaning of "closure" and how exactly I am suppose to get it.

 

Does anyone else on here feel like these stages of grief are a little too simplified to describe what happens to us mentally after a break-up?

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The stages exist. As you have seen.

But they are not linear...and they cycle back.

And yes...you can feel more than one thing at once.

 

There is an entire discipline of study on grief and its effects on people. Your situation is hurting you, but not unique.

 

And the other factor is simply time. And accepting that you may never have all the answers. Just accepting that it is over And time to move on.

 

Just as when someone dies...there is no getting them back.

What died in this instance was the relationship.

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Thanks mhowe! I would love to read this study! Thus far from what I have found online things seem to be laid out pretty black and white. It's frustrating to think maybe I am starting to "accept" this split, then BAM... I feel like I have rewound back to stage 1. I do 100% think that the No Contact rule is SOOO important. Of course I initially started off thinking maybe this would change his mind about "us", then maybe a month into it I realized "us" is not a great idea. I thought I could handle sending him a quick email/request about my tax papers... but as I now see this was not such a great idea... It just made me relapse back to anger (He claims he doesn't have my tax forms - which I know is a lie... he threw them in the trash just like he threw me out... that sort of backlash mind-frame).

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Call the companies or IRS...they will send you new papers.

It isn't a study per se....you can find many books on it...go to Amazon.

Elizabeth Keebler Ross. I think if you read about it in total...as opposed opposed to the condensed articles on Google or Wikipedia... you will understand it better.

 

And stay NC.

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Lookup 'Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, M.D.' and her 5 stage model. She originally applied it to death and dying, but contemporary therapists contend that it applies to all forms of grief.

 

The stages aren't neat and linear, they're a mish-mosh that you cycle through, and they do return and repeat until you've resolved them.

 

Head high, and take comfort that you're not doing it 'wrong'.

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