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Former turbovirgin, long distance relationship, not physically attracted to her.


joe

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I'm 27 and until less than a month ago I had never been kissed or had sex. I've been talking to this girl online for over a year and she has helped me so much emotionally and eventually our voice chatting turned romantic.

 

I'm staying with family right now and she is a 10 hour drive away, but because it had been so long I finally went out to see her. We had a dinner/movie planned but the trip took way longer than I had expected. Because she was worried about me falling asleep driving she got a hotel room for the night. We ordered pizza, played some cards, and had some drinks.

 

After several drinks (I knew she didn't want to push me because I was so inexperienced, but I also knew she really wanted some intimacy) we were intimate. We did just about everything shy of actual sex sex, and she was super sweet/affectionate as always. I was happy because I could tell I had made her feel quite good. And she has meant so much to me for more than a year now.

 

I care so much about her, and she has been so sweet and kind to me and I can tell she likes me physically/sexually and I make her feel good. The trouble is that while she has a great personality, cute/sexy voice, she is not at all my type physically.

 

I was so emotionally alone before, and it's like beggars can't be choosers and I love having her happy because she has meant so much to me. But I feel like I don't have an answer to this physical aspect between us. She knows she's not exactly my type physically, but she also knows how much I care about her. I just don't know what I should be doing from here forward.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

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I disagree. If anyone ever said anything that sounded like "beggars can't be choosers" about their decision to date or sleep with me I would pass and also be hurt and offended. Let her find someone who is attracted to her physically as well as her other attributes. She deserves that. The fact that she's okay with you not being really into her physically says to me that she has a really low esteem and it would be very damaging to her to be with someone who is "settling" for her b/c they're desperate. Don't go there for yourself or for her. You need to get out of your loneliness funk so that you don't feel so desperate/"beggar" and she needs to find someone who appreciates and values all of her.

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I disagree. If anyone ever said anything that sounded like "beggars can't be choosers" about their decision to date or sleep with me I would pass and also be hurt and offended. Let her find someone who is attracted to her physically as well as her other attributes. She deserves that. The fact that she's okay with you not being really into her physically says to me that she has a really low esteem and it would be very damaging to her to be with someone who is "settling" for her b/c they're desperate. Don't go there for yourself or for her. You need to get out of your loneliness funk so that you don't feel so desperate/"beggar" and she needs to find someone who appreciates and values all of her.

 

I guess my issue with this is that it implies I don't do enough for her or am not kind enough to her, I'm never mean, but we are both people who are very honest with each other, so I won't lie to her and say she really turns me on physically, but that doesn't mean I don't care about her and make her feel special and desirable.

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I never implied that you don't do enough or aren't kind enough. I'm sure you're a great friend. But to date/have sex with someone just for the sake that you feel like you can't do any better and you're desperate enough is insulting to that person. How would you like if someone said to you "well, you don't turn me on, but beggars can't be choosers so let's do it". Not exactly romantic, flattering or loving.

So be her friend....not her lover. That's being honest.

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I never implied that you don't do enough or aren't kind enough. I'm sure you're a great friend. But to date/have sex with someone just for the sake that you feel like you can't do any better and you're desperate enough is insulting to that person. How would you like if someone said to you "well, you don't turn me on, but beggars can't be choosers so let's do it". Not exactly romantic, flattering or loving.

So be her friend....not her lover. That's being honest.

 

But I'm not saying "I don't think I can do better than you so I'll settle" I'm saying that I care about her and have affection for her in every element but the physical lust. It isn't insulting because I believe she deserves kindness and intimacy and I want to give that to her. There's nothing insulting about being truthful and we've both acknowledged we could lose weight, it just happens for her that she kinda likes bigger guys.

 

She does turn me on with her voice, and I am not with her just because I am desperate. I am with her because I sincerely care about her and have a strong emotional connection with her. The physical side for me at her is lacking. And that's what I'm having issues with.

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Where can this go from 10 hours away?

 

It took too long for you to actually meet, and now she's invested in someone who's not exactly motivated to see more of her.

 

You're not a villain for not being sexually attracted to someone. We're all perfectly entitled to good sexual chemistry. Your problem is that in your own mind you've narrowed your options for a potential match down to one person who doesn't attract you.

 

Emotional investment doesn't obligate anyone to have sex when they're not feeling it. I would free her to find someone more geographically desirable while freeing yourself to seek someone who is more sexually desirable.

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The physical side for me at her is lacking. And that's what I'm having issues with.

 

^^^this. Okay, she's not insulted. Good for her. I would not choose to be with someone who found me unattractive--that's about me and has nothing to do with your situation. Even while you like all of the other things about her...you're "having issues" with her physical attributes AND she lives 10 hrs away and it took ages to even make a meeting happen. So, I'm saying you may as well move on and meet someone who's closer, more accessible AND you're actually turned on by. Likewise, she deserves someone who thinks she's attractive. Physical attraction is important.

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I think it's unkind to hook up with a friend you are not really attracted to. I get the sense she would like this to move in the relationship direction.

 

Why isn't she your type physically?

 

She is the one who wanted intimacy ("hooking up") I just wanted her happy because I care about her a lot. And as far as both of us deserving somebody we are attracted to, we are both fairly overweight... It would be nice if the ideal person is out there and would like us, but I doubt it. And I care very much for her and want her happy, should I really sabotage what we have on the hopes that somewhere out there is somebody perfect? I mean I think we can both be good for each other's lives so how is trying to keep that going bad?

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Be her friend. 'Beggars can't be choosers?'

 

Wow. If I were her, I'd want nothing to do with you.

 

Please, I care about her very much. I apologize for using a bad phrase, what I meant was that we have something special and I would hate to break that up just in hopes that she find something perfect.

 

I care very much about her, and she cares very much about me. She is the one pushing for intimacy, and I care very much about her so I want to have her be happy. I can understand if I might have mis-phrased, but be assured I am kind to her, I care about her, I want her happy, and I help her be happy. Please stop trying to frame it as if I'm the villain, because honestly her happiness is a higher priority for me than my own. She has been so kind and important to me and my life and it's not like I choose the body type that turns me on, believe me I wish it was exactly her so that this wouldn't be an issue.

 

I truly just want her happy.

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If you're not physically attracted to her, then move on. It would be wrong and unfair to her to lead her on. You claim you want her to be happy? In that case, do the right thing and tell her the truth.

 

"turbovirgin" ??

 

I've told her the truth, I've told her how much I care for her and how she isn't my type physically but because I care so much for her I want her to be happy. Plus I do find her attractive, just not so much her body type. Physically she doesn't really excite me, but she means so much to me and I don't lie to her or exploit her, I just want to be in her life and she in mine because we seem to do good for each other.

 

Idk, I think it's more selfish trying to move on in the hopes I find somebody as amazing as her but also physically very attractive. I guess I feel like there is more harm trying to stop things than what I am doing, what do you people think?

 

PS: Turbovirgin is a reasonably common internet phrase, meaning not only have you not had sex but you have had 0 sexual contact of any kind (not even kissing).

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I guess I feel like there is more harm trying to stop things than what I am doing, what do you people think?

 

What kind of harm does freeing her to find someone who's right for her cause?

 

She may not 'like' it, but we can't live our lives trying to appease everyone we care about.

 

Finding the right match isn't easy for anyone. Think of your life as a puzzle. You need to try out many pieces before fitting two together, and if you try to force two pieces that don't really go together, you impact the whole outcome of the puzzle.

 

It makes no sense to force a match. Everyone deserves to find the right person who 'gets you' on every level. You each deserve the chemistry and simpatico of someone who owns the capacity to see and appreciate your unique gifts.

 

If finding love were simple, what would be so special about it? Everyone would just pair up with the first person the meet, and all the searching and dating would be done.

 

It doesn't work that way. Allow wrong matches to pass early, and don't form fantasy love before meeting someone in person. Keep your search geographically feasible, and meet as many women as possible for a quick coffee before deciding whether to ask them out on a real date.

 

Move FORward, and don't get stuck in your head.

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What is your "type" and how closely do YOU come to reaching a typical woman's "type?" You said you're overweight. That is nearly NO woman's "type," I don't care how many fat dudes are married to hot women in sitcoms. This has to be made up for GREATLY in other areas such as personality and wealth/security.

 

Would she be your type if she lost weight? If so, are you willing to do the same?

 

Until you take steps to improve yourself, you really can't expect much better than what she is most likely, unless you are a 27 year old virgin by choice. I really don't see this relationship going anywhere, especially with it being mostly an LDR.

 

I'm a little afraid that this generation's access to "turboporn" at early stages in life has radically altered men's perceptions of "types." Sometimes I'm glad I was born well before the internet was invented, because I've unfortunately seen some indications of the same thing with my son.

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Look man, you say your overweight or to put it harshly fat. No decent looking women is going to be attracted to someone who is obese. So your chances of having sex with a decent looking women is very slim about 5% chance. Your also a virgin, so you have no clue what would turn you on in bed or be attractive sexually.

 

Big girls are in my opinion GREAT in bed, I don't know why maybe they have a higher sex drive and get hornier because of their diet, I'm not sure. So if you have a connection with this lady that is special, you must have sex with her and see what happens. Because I think like all of the big girls I've been with she will rock your world in the sack.

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I guess it all leads back to sure, she's not perfect for me, and we can't be together forever, but she is overweight and I am too, and it's like breaking it up wouldn't help anything because neither of us is going to find somebody out there who is perfect and turns us on. She likes me physically too, and I just care so much about her, so I don't see what the "free her to find somebody perfect for her" would accomplish.

 

Like are we both supposed to be without relationships until we lose weight? Only the thin are deserving affection? Or am I supposed to believe if I free her and free myself I will find a beautiful attractive girl who cares about me and she will find her perfect man?

 

IDK, I care about her, but I don't want to destroy things based on overly optimistic wishes for either of us. And neither of us want to be alone... So what should I do?

 

And I totally agree with the guy who said I am likely not many girls' "type". I mean I'm sweet and compassionate, but physically I'm not that great. I'm happy spending time with her, and I'm very happy that I make her happy, so what could breaking things off accomplish?

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I'm very happy that I make her happy, so what could breaking things off accomplish?

 

You've already made your decision, so why keep belaboring it? We can all keep answering this in a bunch of different ways, but that's just a waste of our time and yours. So stay with what you're doing and enjoy it. Continuing to question won't improve anything, so why not just throw yourself into your choice and make it the best possible outcome you can manage?

 

Best wishes.

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Like are we both supposed to be without relationships until we lose weight? Only the thin are deserving affection? Or am I supposed to believe if I free her and free myself I will find a beautiful attractive girl who cares about me and she will find her perfect man?

 

She deserves better than you.

 

No, it's not about looks. It's how you think about her. You're using her because you don't want to be alone. You feel contempt for her body and only stick around because you (realistically) feel you can't get a more attractive girl. And you won't with your self-defeating attitude.

 

You're overweight. You don't like overweight girls. But you can't attract the slimmer girls you would like to date.. The answer isn't to use an overweight girl to stave off your loneliness. The answer is to get serious about your fitness and healthy.

 

Start exercising. Walking 30 mins a day, three times a week does wonders. Portion control is the MOST IMPORTANT THING to lose weight -- burn more fuel each day then you consume! Become the person who can attract the type of girls you want.

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  • 4 weeks later...
She deserves better than you.

 

No, it's not about looks. It's how you think about her. You're using her because you don't want to be alone. You feel contempt for her body and only stick around because you (realistically) feel you can't get a more attractive girl. And you won't with your self-defeating attitude.

 

You're overweight. You don't like overweight girls. But you can't attract the slimmer girls you would like to date.. The answer isn't to use an overweight girl to stave off your loneliness. The answer is to get serious about your fitness and healthy.

 

Start exercising. Walking 30 mins a day, three times a week does wonders. Portion control is the MOST IMPORTANT THING to lose weight -- burn more fuel each day then you consume! Become the person who can attract the type of girls you want.

 

I don't feel contempt for her. I do care about her enough that when I say "I love you" to her, I mean it. I may not be in love in that diseney movie kind of way, but I care so much for her.

 

Neither of us want to be alone, and I don't ever want to hurt her, so what just because we are both sub-par attractiveness we should be alone until we "fix" ourselves?

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Also she is the one pushing for physical intimacy, I've never had sex but I want to cooperate because I want her happy.

 

Can either of us really afford to wait until life is a fairy tale before we do anything intimate?

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Neither of us want to be alone, and I don't ever want to hurt her, so what just because we are both sub-par attractiveness we should be alone until we "fix" ourselves?

 

Are you sure that being with her (and her being with you) isn't holding both of you back?

In other words, could it be that you're reluctant to let go because a relationship with her (even if you're not that attracted to her body), is better than the alternative - actually go out there and do something to change yourself? Not just to attract slimmer girls but to feel better about yourself, first and foremost?

In my opinion, the main reason you want to be with her is insecurity. You're settling and you know you're settling and she knows you're settling, too, and both of you are 'happy' because you don't think you can do better than her and she doesn't think she can do better than you (not physically but, really, do you think a confident girl would be ok knowing that she's not really her bf's 'type'?).

You're too young to be settling...and if and when you decide to do something about your body (because I'm sure you will), you're going to break that girl's heart.

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Like are we both supposed to be without relationships until we lose weight? Only the thin are deserving affection?

That's up to you.

 

Lot's of overweight couples are perfectly happy together.

 

It is up to YOU to decide whether you can be happy with an overweight woman. If you can't, then you need to make changes to yourself. Either in your own appearance, or your attitude.

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