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How did it get like this....


claireabelle33

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Ok so this is a long one.

 

My partner and I have been together for nearly 10 years. We met online and spent over a year just chatting and really becoming close before actually meeting. It moved quite quickly from there on in and he moved in with me. We have since moved to Cornwall and have had some very happy years down here and now have 2 dogs and a cat and life has been great. he proposed to me very early on but we never set a wedding date and then last summer we decided we would do it this year in August. We told everyone, booked a venue and a photographer. Now my partner can be quite shy so he seemed increasingly nervous about people looking at him etc and he was starting to worry and I could feel that.

 

I am very overweight and my partner is not, however I am following a healthy eating/exercise plan and have lost 4.5 stone since September of last year - something I am proud of. I have however stopped and started diets throughout our time together never quite getting anywhere.

 

Just after Christmas we went out on a night out and he got very drunk, when we got home he told me he couldn't marry me that in fact he just didnt believe in marriage to anyone, that he loved me but didnt think he was in love with me and that he doesn't find me physically attractive anymore because the weight thing has just gone on too long and he can't see past it anymore and that our relationship was over. I was in total shock as up until that point I genuinely thought that we were happy, like really happy. I should say that our sex life hadn't been great for a little while but whenever I asked if it was me he always said no of course not.

 

I waited til he was sober to discuss it further and said that I could see past the wedding however I would have preferred that he told me before we started paying for stuff and telling people, and that it wasn't a be all and end all for my life. And I said that we needed to look at the stuff that he feels is wrong in our relationship and work on it, as I had no clue we had problems like that. He agreed that we should try, but then got really distant. I chose to go and stay at a friends for a week to give him some space to decide what he wants. towards the end of the week he sent me an email saying that he was sorry for having kept it all bottled up and that he still knows he loves me but isnt sure he is in love with me and that he almost feels like he is living with his best friend. but he wants to try if I do to get things back and we should give it three months and see where we are. I was happy with this. I came home and he was really off with me like he didnt know what to say to me which I kind of expected. He put a no intimacy rule in place as he said his head space wasnt there. A week on he said he was still really struggling and that he was considering a seperation, we talked it out and then the next day he called me and said that could we just act like 'normal' people for a couple of days instead of always talking about it, and that he was going away to his mums and friends for a week, not to think/talk about us because as far as he is concerned we are trying to fix it.

 

He left for a week and I didnt hear from him apart from a couple of text messages. His friends (our friends) text me and called me and said they had sincere conversations with him and he said he really wanted us to try and work it out and take it 3 months at a time to see if progress can be made. When he got home we hugged and I told him I missed him and he said it back. Since then we have been acting almost like normal, but without the usual cuddles/kisses. Then I brought it up because I feel so in limbo and he said he still hasnt fully decided he can commit to trying because he needs to be sure its what he wants.

 

The problem is I don't want to pressure him, but if I am happy to make the changes in our relationship that he sees to be the problems and he is the one that suggested we try for 3 months, I dont know how to get out of this limbo stage if he isn't willing to commit one way or another. He also struggles with pressure and if I give him an ultimatum I could end up pushing him further away...

 

Help/advice much needed....

 

Claire x

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I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this, I can't even imagine how hard this is for you.

 

But I think you are just beating a dead horse. He is not invested into fixing things at all, I mean who in their right mind makes 'no intimacy rule" when they try to fix relationship. Next 3 months will not be about you getting your r/s back on track but about his preparation to definitely break up. He's scared of ending it cause 10 years is a lot of time and he is used to you always being there and that's hard to let go.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this, but there's unfortunately nothing you can do, he has made up his mind but he's afraid to tell you that. He's selfish coz he's taking care of his needs (keeping you around till something better doesn't come up) and doesn't care that he's stringing you along.

 

Usually couples that are so long together ether get married (without any second thoughts) or they get engaged and than one partner breaks up. Till that point they just enjoy familiarity and comfort of the LTR and marriage is what makes them or breaks them.

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There are lots of couples who stay together for years and years and years and decide not to marry. However, their reasons for not marrying aren't "I didn't want people looking at me at the wedding". And this guy isn't saying he wants to be with you but not get married...he's saying he doesn't even know, after ten yeeeaaaaars, if he wants to be with you at all.

I can't imagine how painful that is to hear and experience but you need to take yourself out of the denial....he's ending it slowly, painfully and also putting the blame on you (your weight) instead of being honest and upfront about himself. The way to fix a relationship is not to act like roommates with a "no intimacy" rule. You need to ask him to leave and YOU need to make the decision that the relationship is over. You don't need to wait for him to tell you or let it even be his choice. Do you want to spend your life with someone who really can't make a decision about you after 10 years?? You deserve soooooooo much more.

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That's becaues it's not you who is in limbo--it's him. You can't move him out of it. He has to do that himself and he's telling you that it's going to take some time for him to do that.

 

If you issue ultimatums, be prepared to be on the losing end of it.

 

Right now, you need to proceed with the notion that marriage isn't taking place and that you're basically going through an emotional trial separation which may turn permanent. Prepare yourself for that eventuality so you're not blind-sided by it.

 

I think it's a very bad idea for you two to be living together while he's yanking your chain. If he doesn't want to be with you, then he needs to go live somewhere else and you need to go NC on him. As long as he's got you there, he'll never know what it means to not have you around because you're always there.

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Thanks everyone. Since I posted this he has said that he can see himself being with me without getting married ever and that he does really want to work this out. He has adapted the no intimacy rule just to no sex until he is ready to initiate it. He says he is worried that I would just agree to any changes in our relationship just to stay with him and this is as much about my happiness as it is his. He has also admitted that there are issues in our relationship that are entirely non-me related and he needs to work on himself to make it better.

So it's not over, we are still sleeping in the same bed and he is treating me much more like a human being but is yet still commiting fully to this working out, that's progress right?

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Thanks everyone. Since I posted this he has said that he can see himself being with me without getting married ever and that he does really want to work this out. He has adapted the no intimacy rule just to no sex until he is ready to initiate it. He says he is worried that I would just agree to any changes in our relationship just to stay with him and this is as much about my happiness as it is his. He has also admitted that there are issues in our relationship that are entirely non-me related and he needs to work on himself to make it better.

So it's not over, we are still sleeping in the same bed and he is treating me much more like a human being but is yet still commiting fully to this working out, that's progress right?

 

Progress toward what? This guy is done pretending that he's happy, and so the only place to go is continual misery until one of you tires of it and pulls the plug.

 

My heart goes out to you, and I hope you'll raise your bar and seek happiness on your own.

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