next steps after breaking NC/LC? esp. since it's almost Valentine's day!

[griffin]

I'm hoping to get some advice on my situation. I feel like I'm in a sort of "in between" place (not quite NC, but not quite on speaking terms) and I'm afraid I might have missed some signals my ex sent a while back... and I hope I can fix that! Here's my story:

 

We had been dating for a couple of months, and really connected. Both of us agreed that we were the type of people who take relationships seriously (i.e. neither of us had really casually dated before, or had many bfs/gfs in the past). We both agreed to take things slowly.

 

Then, out of the blue, he breaks up with me. It's a shock especially because we had made solid plans (even bought tickets) for a few events in the month ahead. When I ask why, he says something along the lines of 'he doesn't see the relationship going anywhere.' We're both away from home for a while after that, but he e-mails me while he's gone to say that he was thinking of me and missed me. We make plans to have dinner after we both get back.

 

We get dinner, and it feels like a date (almost like when we were first dating) because he compliments my appearance and stuff. I'm really confused, and I'm definitely still missing him a lot. I do agree to see him one or two more times, but it gets weirdly physical (though not technically crossing into bf/gf territory), and finally, I call him out on it and ask him what he really wants. He says some stuff about how he doesn't think we'll work out in the long term, that he doesn't think he will love me enough to last, so he thought it was gentler to break up with me sooner -- but that he still likes me a lot. I tell him that we'd only been dating a few months, much too early to be thinking about "long term!" Finally, I grow a pair and say, "I don't think we should see each other again until we're over each other."

 

After that, he starts e-mailing/texting me interesting/funny links/pictures every few weeks. I didn't think to go NC at the time (the idea didn't occur to me) but I did make a personal pact not to initiate contact. I would respond to his messages (sometimes just a "cool!" or "thanks for thinking of me," sometimes sending him something interesting/funny back), but I only broke and contacted first maybe once or twice over a few months. At one point (late fall, probably), he even texts me a picture of his dinner, asking if I liked that particular food item (he should remember I do, because we got it together once)! I'm wondering if I missed a subtle test of whether I wanted to get dinner with him, there! (I've thought about this afterwards, and I really don't know if it was just a "conversation starter," or if he wanted something more.)

 

Then the holidays arrive. I decide to send him an e-gift, and he sends me one back. We exchange brief "catching up" e-mails -- in one of them, he even says he misses me. I finally decide to call him and wish him a happy new year. We miss each other a few times (voicemail), but we finally get on the phone. It's a very brief conversation -- a little awkward, and he was about to leave to meet friends (I'm not sure if he had to leave right then, or he was looking for a non-awkward way to end the call -- am I being paranoid?). Since then, we've exchanged only a few short texts, and sadly, I was the one initiating most of them.

 

At this point, I'm wondering what I should do next. I'm wondering if I missed some opportunities because he used to contact me (while I was partially ignoring him), even if it was just to send me silly stuff, but now I've been contacting him more. Since it's almost Valentine's day, I don't think it's a good idea for me to contact him in the next two weeks or so. Maybe he'll see all the couples doing romantic stuff around Valentine's day and think of me? Or maybe he even has someone new that I don't know about? Would it be a good idea to get in touch in late Feb/early March and try to get lunch/dinner in person? Or should I wait for him to contact me (I'm worried that he might not, at this point)?

 

Thanks so much in advance!

[CeeLambrini]

Stop clutching at straws and reading between the lines here. He has sat you down and told you, twice, that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. You, right now, want to be in a relationship for him and therefore settling for anything less and hoping he will change his mind is only going to backfire on you.

Stick to your word, if he doesn't want you or he doesn't want to even try a relationship with you then he needs to leave you alone. Responding to him will only let him know it's okay.

[sharky988]

You should do NOTHING next.

 

You've asked him a few times what he wants and he's plainly told you he DOESN'T want a relationship with you.

 

Just because someone takes your calls, says they miss you and exchanges gifts with you DOESN'T mean he wants to get back together or have a relationship with you. How will you know if he ever changes his mind? He'll TELL YOU. Until then, accept what he's said and bow out graciously -- that means stop all the attempts to contact him and force a relationship on him. Let it go. IF he ever changes is mind, he'll let you know.

 

Live your life and go about moving on so you can find someone who DOES want to be in a relationship with you!

 

Here's a guide that will help you: link removed

[griffin]

Thanks for the thoughtful responses so far.

 

I left this out earlier: I should add that during the pre-holiday period, he once texted asking if I wanted to see his new apartment (he moved but within the same city). I said no because I wasn't ready to see him then, even though I DON'T think he meant it as a random hookup situation, since I made it very clear when I said "we shouldn't see each other yet" that I didn't think that even the light physical stuff was appropriate given that we weren't a couple. I offered to get dinner with him (at a more neutral location) later on -- which is why I thought the food picture might be his way of testing the water. I just feel like I've turned him down multiple times, and at this point, after Valentine's day, maybe I should be the one to offer to get coffee or something.

 

I realize that I'm very biased and overly hopeful right now, so I may not be as clearheaded as I should be. (I guess this is where you guys come in!) I don't want to cut him off completely because he's a good guy and at some point, when neither of us has any romantic feelings for the other, I'd like to be friends with him.

[mhowe]

He has already reached that point.

And since you haven't.....go back to NC until hope for rekindling the relationship has died on your end.

[sharky988]

You have the rest of your life to rekindle a friendship with him. After taking time to let the feelings die down -- that could be months or years from now. There's no hurry on friendship, there's no rush.

 

I'd assume he was inviting you over to try and have sex and was probably going to try for a FWB type deal with you.

 

Right now, you need to leave him alone and disappear from his world unless and until he tells you: I made a huge mistake and want to get back together. Anything less? Is keeping you on the backburner as a backup plan. You don't owe him a dinner meetup. You don't NEED to make it easy for him. When a man wants to be your boyfriend, he'll TELL YOU. Don't settle for less.

[griffin]

Thank you both. I think I needed some objective outsiders to tell me that NC is the way to go. Not necessarily indefinitely, but at least until I'm able to be much more rational about the situation than I am now.

 

I suppose the "impact" of NC (the whole disappearing act) is lessened by the fact that I didn't cut him off from day one, but continued to respond when he initiated -- sometimes out of politeness, even, since I didn't want to think that I was so broken up, I couldn't be polite to him! (Weird reverse psychology thing, I guess.)

[sharky988]

NC is to help YOU heal and move on.... you can begin that process at any time. You don't lessen the *impact* by taking time to heal from a breakup later rather than sooner.

 

Sometimes it's even easier to recover if you've had that door slammed in your face a few times first.... clearly you've already given him every opportunity to rekindle with you if that was what he wanted. But it's not. So now it's time to focus on YOU and YOUR life, on healing and feeling better.

 

Check out the link I posted above -- it'll help you in going No Contact.