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Over 5 Years Together - Partner developed feelings for someone else


Nickoback

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Hey Guys,

 

Sorry about the lengthy post!

 

I have been with my girlfriend for almost 6 years now, and have had a very fruitful relationship. We seemed perfect together, and that we were always in our own little world. I have never felt so loved and happy than what I have been with my partner. I really did think that she was the one - I still do.

 

About 6 months into our relationship I messed up. After a drunken night whilst away my ex found my tent I was not strong enough to refuse. I regret this everyday of my life. After about a year, I told my partner what I had done, as I could not be with with someone for the rest of my life with a dark secret. She would find out one day anyway - best to hear it from me.

 

She broke up with me, and I fought every day to be strong and be there for her. As she went out to parties , kissed other guys, I stood strong with nothing but hope that It would one day work. It was the toughest 9 months of my life.

 

After this my partner found some trust, and we dated for 4 years. It was great to have her again - even though she never really trusted me 100%. I cut out female friends, parties, going out. Just so she could feel at ease as much as possible.

 

Last week after her getting upset about us and how things weren't "how they used to be" I found out she developed feelings for someone else via messages. They talked of a relationship, being together - how I was nothing but an obstacle. There seemed to be real feelings, both intimate and romantic.

 

I confronted her. Not angrily, but obviously heart broken.

 

The next day after a sleepless night I found myself in her bed hugging and holding her. I felt like she needed someone. Her family lives away and I have always been there for her. I didn't know what else to do. She cried and told me how much of a mistake it was - and that it would never happen again.

 

After an emotional week - with very high highs and the lowest of lows we seemed to plateau, until on Sunday night I found more recent messages. That she missed him, that she enjoyed the photos that he sent to her during the week. That she thinks we wouldn't work, and she likes him.

 

This broke me - twice in one week. I confronted her again to just break down in front of her. I have never really feel my heart truly hurt until then. She apologized again and told me we can make this work.

 

And here we are... I need her to cut off all ties with this person. And i don't know if she has... I feel she hides her phone and Ipad so I cannot see the messages - or is that me over thinking things?

 

I hate not being with her - and the fact that his mates are all of her work colleagues makes it so hard when she leaves for work.

 

What do I do guys? How do I know if she has really cut all ties? She tells me it will be ok and she loves me.

 

I am trying to make this work, but I am hanging on a thread. Is this her way of making things even? To allow us to trust each other again and build this relationship from the ground up?

 

Would love any input you pros have!

 

Thankyou so much.

 

Nicko

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I'm not sure she has purposely done this to make it "even" but after being cheated on, certain barriers do go up that I just don't believe ever go down. I don't think your girlfriend ever felt 100% secure with you after what happened and now somebody else has come along, rather than that important 100% security making her knock this guy back to where he came from, she has somehow continued to explore the possibility of someone else.

Cutting out drinking and parties only removed the possibility that you could cheat. It did not remove the mindset behind your cheating, or how weak you were when it came to being faithful. Removing those things did not prove to her that you would never do it again, it just showed took away your weaknesses.

It was also 4 years ago, and she chose to take you back and forget what had happened. Blaming yourself for what she is doing now isn't going to help you here. You do not deserve this, despite what you did nearly 5 years ago - it simply left a void in her respect for you and the relationship so that now she is being challenged, she is also unable to refuse.

Whatever your views on cheating, and what to tolerate and what not, she is emotionally cheating on you. Her emotional affair with someone else is hurting you badly and she has lied to you about it once already. It is no wonder that you are unable to trust her now.

You need to decide what to do. She is clearly not being faithful, and the words she is using to talk to this other man sound like she wants out.

To me it looks like she is scared to be alone, but does not want to be with you anymore. Maybe she wants to jump into a relationship with this other guy before dumping you so that she doesn't have to be alone. I would end the relationship as it is, on good terms, but also letting her know that she has cheated and you have no trust for her anymore.

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I think there is hope for the two of you, you have been both hurt so maybe best is to just leave each other alone for a while, just let it be. Let her go and be with this other guy, probably this is what she needs right now... meanwhile you just wait, without putting pressure on her... I was in her shoes once and my partner let me go for a while, and I came back to him and our relationship is stronger then ever...

I don t see cheating as the end of a relationship, relationships are more complicated then that and real love means more than weakness, anger, hurt feelings etc. so hang on there!

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I am sorry, but I think it wont ever be the same, and it never will be the way YOU HOPE it can be. I also think she doesn't love you anymore, but is afraid and used to having you in her life no matter what she does. You made a mistake, you kept a secret like that for year - OK, sh*t happens. But what she did after you came clean is just cruel. I agree with CeeLambrini - she is scared to dump you before she is sure she can have something secure with that other guy. Please, stop torturing yourself before you spend another year in this misery and let her go.

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