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Not sure if I'm wasting my time with him


lila48

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Mike and I have been together for close to five years and have had a wonderful relationship. We were both divorcees for over four years when we met. (So our exes and us have been apart for close to nine years). We are deeply in love and want to move forward with our relationship. Thing is he has a 15 year old son who (because of the mother bad mouthing me) doesn't like being around me or my children. Even when I have planned things for ALL of us to do together, at last minute the son makes one reason or another not to go. My children and I have done everything we can to make that young man feel comfortable around us.

 

For two years we've talked about moving in together. Now that it's about to happen, and he mentions it to his son, son now says that if we move in together or get married, he will stop seeing his father. Now Mike has called off the whole moving in thing since he doesn't "want to lose his son". I tell him his son might be a little jealous but will get over it soon enough. He says that is not a chance he is willing to take. Anytime his son visits him, he is basically unreachable to me. He is pretty much already living here except that he goes to his apartment when his child comes to his house. But this is not the type of relationship I hope for us to have. I feel the son knows he can manipulate his father by telling him that. I just feel that if Mike lets his son control him like this, we will continue to be nothing more than boyfriend and girlfriend. I am not OK with that. He cannot come and be a happy family man then exclude himself from us when his son chooses to visit him.

 

I am at the verge of breaking up with him but don't know if I'm making the right choice. But am i wasting my time? Will we NEVER move in/get married? I have never been in such a wonderful relationship (except for this matter of course) and we are truly in love. I don't know if it's worth losing the perfect man over this. Please offer some suggestions...

 

Thanks!

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you need to drop kick this kid right in the head... haha just kidding but the boy needs to mature...

 

I think it's very admirable and respectable that the father doesn't want to do something to hurt his son (family comes first) but i do think he's setting poor boundaries with his son, If this relationship is all you claim it to be then you wouldn't mind waiting a couple years for the boy to get more used to you just being apart of his fathers life. I'd say this just needs time.

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Will we NEVER move in/get married?

 

Have you asked Mike that question? Is this just for a few yrs until his son goes off to college etc. or is this forever?

 

Have you told Mike that not getting married, ever, may be a deal breaker for you?

 

If not - you should have that conversation with Mike.

 

As for whether, if the relationship you have now is the most you'll ever have, should you still stay or should you break up with him - that's entirely something for you to decide. You have to weigh up what's more important - the chance to get married (knowing that you may not meet someone you click as well with) or staying with Mike (knowing you'll probably always resent the fact that you can't get married and will miss out on whatever marriage will bring to you both). There's no right or wrong there - you have look at the pros and cons of both decision and try to make the best choice you can.

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yes, I told him that I would never expect him to choose us over his son, but I do feel son is being a little immature/manipulative (not sure which). I also have to be mindful of MY children as well, though. They adore him and have asked me why Mike doesn't live with us.

 

Yes, I have asked Mike this question and he says is yes, we will...but not now. He does know that marriage is my expectation and not getting married is a deal breaker for me. Perhaps I'm being impatient... but five years?

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hmmm, I had thought about that but figured Mike and his ex been apart for so long that son has realized it's not going to happen. perhaps that is something he should ask his son. maybe then Mike will better understand why his son is behaving this way.

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Yes, you are wasting your time. Parent - son - third party = family vs non family. I'm sorry but I've seen/talked about many such cases in my job (I'm a teacher and my students are of that age) and it always ends badly for the third person as it's easier to leave a girlfriend than a child.

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