girlfriend friends with exes/past hookups on facebook

[LesPaulGuy]

Hey guys, new to the forum. Anyway I've been dating my girlfriend for a year and things are going fine. Something that bothers me is I know she is friends with exes and past hookups on facebook and I just don't like it. I will say I trust my girlfriend and know she isn't doing anything shady. It's just we've progressed into a serious relationship and I just don't want to have to deal with it. It's like if we were to have a party I wouldn't want anyone she's seen in the past to come. She doesn't have regular contact with these people or anything I'd consider friendship, but I still don't like them liking her posts and commenting on her statuses. We're both in our early twenties if this matters.

 

I know she has felt the same way before. She has asked me who certain girls are who have interacted with me online before. However I am not friends with anyone I've dated on facebook except for one girl I dated when I was 15 which we both agreed hardly counts. I just don't think it's fair that she has the certainty of knowing noone talking to me on there isn't a past fling and I don't get that. When I brought it up to her before she got upset and took it as a personal stab at her for hooking up with a lot of people when she was younger. But it's not about numbers, it just annoys me and if they aren't friends in the first place then why not delete them if it makes me happy?

[happyfrank]

insecurity is slippery slope. Just let it go.

 

All that matters is she has your name under relationship status.

[mhowe]

She has a past. Accept it. You do not get to choose who "like"s her posts....that is beyond absurd. She is not meeting up with them...it is FB. And in this day and age if you can't handle the idiocy of social media/fb/twitter....hea d to Siberia!

[RedDress]

I kind of think that you've passed your statute of limitations on this one.

 

At the beginning of a relationship, it's kind of normal to talk about hookups/exes, attitudes towards exes, whether you are still friends with them, whether you keep in touch, etc. At that point in time, I would consider it "normal" (or maybe "common" is a better word) to see if you are compatible in this area and/or if you are willing to compromise (ie: one of you is willing to delete these people, etc). If you are not compatible, it's probably better to part ways.

 

At this point - if you have been dating for a year, you trust her, nothing inappropriate has been going on, etc. - why is this suddenly an issue a year later? For sure, personally, I would take this change of heart as a sign of distrust or controlling behaviour for it to suddenly come out of the blue like that (and I don't personally have exes/hookups on FB).

 

I don't think it's any more fair to say "why can't she do this to make me happy?" than it is to say "why are you asking me to ditch my friends?". They are simply different (and both valid) ways of looking at the situation.

 

I guess what I am saying is that SHE didn't change anything... YOU did. You are throwing new "rules" out there one year in... that's not really fair...

 

I think you need to decide just how important this is to you. Is it a dealbreaker? If so, you should tell her that and breakup. If it's not - maybe it's best just to leave the issue alone...

[mmnyc5052]

I had this attitude about eight months into my relationship. In the beginning, we discussed past hookups and relationships, which is pretty normal. I didn't think it would affect me, but down the line when I began to fall in love with him I started re-questining these people, skimming through his Facebook friends list and would ask him about almost every single girl on there. Though in reality they weren't a threat to our relationship, I had severe insecurity issues and to quell my anxiety he would delete people, to prove there was nothing to lose by unfriending them and that my worries were unfounded. That was the mistake, because I would spiral out of control and bring up someone new all the time for him to remove though there was nothing happening with these people. He never once questioned me about guys I was friends with or who liked or commented on statuses or photos, because he was secure with himself and the knowledge that I chose to be with him exclusively. So it was very one sided. He finally had enough and put his foot down and said he's not going to delete anymore people just to make me feel better. He basically said if I don't trust him that is my issue because he knew he was trustworthy and no amount of deleting would ultimately change my behavior.

 

After all of this, it would come up in later tiffs, and he was clearly a little resentful that I tried to control him in that way. Finally I came to my senses, sought therapy for my insecurity, and our relationship has never been better.

 

In sum: don't try to control her. Trust is key in a relationship, which I have learned a lot about in the past two years. You both have a past, and by having these people as friends on Facebook does not in any way indicate she is talking to or seeing them -- they're just acquaintances on a social media site. If she is with you, there's a reason. Only when she begins to act shady or secretive is it time to worry. For now, let it be. Don't try to control activity on her personal internet sites…it is a losing battle and will earn you a badge of resentment in her eyes.

[pl3asehelp]

I will sort itself out. It will become very obvious in time how she depends on male attention and if that is ok with you. Then you're free to walk. Don't waste your time tying to change her or explain why her behavior isn't in her best interest. She'll figure it out someday, but it has to be a conclusion she came to herself.

[CeeLambrini]

You're probably not keeping in mind that these guys have their own lives going on and probably don't ever think twice about her unless she posts something interesting that shows up on their news feed. They're not constantly refreshing her page to see if there's anything new they can like.

We all know it is nothing like bringing all your exes to a party. That would be very weird.

If she isn't talking to them, and all they do is like her posts sometimes then they are just acting like any other person would on facebook.

In all honesty I agree that it is a little weird that she has hookups and exes on her facebook, but I think more for herself rather than you and the relationship in general. I just wouldn't want past flings that mean nothing to me on my facebook like that.

I don't believe you have anything to worry about. Just because you do things a certain way, and she does them another it doesn't have to drive a wedge between you. I'm sure if they were harassing her with messages or saying inappropriate stuff on her wall, she would know what to do.

[LesPaulGuy]

Thanks for the replies. I will say I don't think she is keeping them so she can look for attention or is talking to people behind my back. I know her very well, I know she isn't like that. And honestly I don't think it's insecurity on my part. I'm a young good looking guy and am secure in that regard, and I know that my girlfriend is 100% committed to me. I just don't like it, it's that simple. And if she were friends with any thatd be entirely different conversation, but she is not so I see no reason why they have to be on there.

 

When I talked to her about it before she said that she is ashamed for hooking up with a lot of people when she was younger and does not like to think about it. And that going through her list and deleting them is upsetting because its a reminder of that. So I didnt say anything else about it. Im not shaming, I wouldnt like it if it were only 3 or 30. But I saw she was getting upset and dropped it.

[pl3asehelp]

It's not so simple - you don't like it for a reason and the reason is what needs to come out.

[oneheart]

I have been in this situation, trust me i know how it feels.

 

It's uncomfortable knowing she is friends with exes and people she's slept with, but ask yourself this, if she removes all those guys, then what? Will you magically feel better? I think not, and it has the potential to turn into you controlling her, checking her phone etc. You have to realize there will always be guys eyeing your girlfriend, but she is with you because you are you, so don't turn into an insecure guy it's only going to push some one away.

 

The only time i really pushed my girlfriend to remove a guy off Facebook is he texted her at 2am. I was livid, my position was what the hell gave him the idea that was ok? She texted him back saying don't contact me, but then deleted all of his texts (she wanted to show me). I was not cool with her being friends with this guy on Facebook to begin with, after that happened i just kept telling her I'm not ok with it. She finally deleted him, my reason was to send a message to him that they are done, and besides i don't want my girlfriend being hit up for sex.

 

Now I'm only telling you this because after all that happened i became insecure, i started wondering, i started wanting to check her phone, i wanted to knowwhere she was. The trust was disrupted and it was my fault. I never acted on any of these impulses but the feeling was there, my point being she deleted him, told him not to talk to her, and i was still not satisfied. You need to stop focusing on it, trust me don't go down that road, nothing she does will make you feel completely ok, it's up to you to deal with the insecurities. Perhaps something happened in your past, i realized that was the root cause of my insecurities and i talked to my gf about it. It's hard but be strong and let it go!