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Depressive ex - help me! So confused.


GNT

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Hey all.

 

I know that depression is difficult but I would appreciate some advice. I'll keep this as basic as I can.

 

I had been dating my boyfriend for just over a year when out of the blue two weeks ago he ended it. His reasons were that he felt he wanted to be on his own and that he didn't want anyone to rely on him or worry about him but at the same time his feelings hadn't changed. He's been suffering from depression for many years and stopped taking his tablets in September. He has now decided (thankfully) that he does need to start taking anti-depressants again to try and help him. I was totally confused as to why he ended it because just the weekend before (less than 5 days before our break up) we had spent a wonderful weekend away together in the country and he talked about and disccussed our future together.

 

Many of my friends and his friends have different views on this but one particular friend who lived with him for a while said that sometimes he gets like this where he pushes everyone away so that have me some hope that mate he just needed some space and time.

 

We spoke on the phone a few days ago. We spoke further about our relationship and we discussed what we should do. When he said he didn't think anything had changed, I asked him why. On my first attempt he don't reply, on my second I asked him bluntly if it was because his feelings had changed and he didnt care about me anymore he said that wasn't it . The conversation continued and he said something that made me think and I said just be totally honest with me, it's because you don't care about me anymore isn't it? And he replied 'I guess so, yes'. It was the answer I needed to be able to cope but I am totally lost and confused as, as I said in the new year and on our weekend away he was discussing the future.

 

What do people make of this? He has obviously broke my heart but I do worry about him still and he still wants to be friends, to see me from time to time and talk to me. And to help him get better. Thoughts would be great please as I am totally lost right now.

 

Does he really not care about me at all? He changed his feelings so suddenly. He went from talking about the future to ending our relationship in a matter of days!

 

I spoke to a mutual friend this evening and as said I was lucky I got through to him because he is ignoring her texts and calls (and our other friends texts and calls) but when we spoke Sunday, he answered.

 

Not getting much help from anyone else so thought I would try here as from reading some of the other threads you are a lovely, honest bunch.

 

GNT

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If he truly suffers from depression... then his feelings for you and everyone else change.

He is basically not feeling anything. And there isn't anything you can do.

The meds should help....but they will take months and monitoring by a Dr.

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Hi, my depressed too fell out of love with me and ended the relationship saying he needs to be free. Mind you, he is in a new relationship now, not even 3 months after the bu. I'd say concentrate on yourself. I tried to be a friend - it's impossible. you can read i here

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I've been fighting depression for a decade now. I can say with 100% certainty...This IS depression speaking. I do not want to give you hope of any kind, but I used to have episodes where I would want to throw everything away. Family, friends, my ex girlfriend. EVERYTHING. If he just started taking his pills again, in a month he may regret his decision and want to come back to you.

 

Like I said, I'm not trying to give you hope. I'm simply explaining how some (if not most) depressive people work.

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Protect yourself and dont stay friends. I hope you dont hurt yourself the way I did by clinging on to every bit of hope (even the being friends) only to find myself back at rock bottom again after months. I wasted half a year of my life which I will not get back.

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If he feels disconnected from his feelings for you right now, it probably is the effect of the depression. The problem is - it's not clear what will happen after he's back on his meds. It takes at least a couple of weeks for most anti-depressants to start working and after that - who knows.

 

Try and look after yourself. If I were looking out for you only I'd tell you to try and move on. The guy has long-term depression issues - AND - is not committed to proper treatment because he went off his meds in September when, it appears, he was not advised by a doctor to do so. It's hard enough when they commit to proper treatment .. if they are iffy about treatment and decide for themselves when they've had enough and when they need more - it's going to be a whole world of trouble down the line too if/when this happens again.

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Circe is right about everything.

 

And I just want to add a note...and this is something very, VERY important.

 

How much do you love him? I mean stop for five minutes and think how far you want you both to go in case you get back together and how far are YOU willing to go. Dating someone with depression is not something easy at all. You will be tested to your very limits. I've dated depressed people and I am depressed myself so I know what I'm saying. How much are you willing to sacrifice in case he wants you back...

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My bf suffers season depression... and it is very clear when the dark cloud descends. The 2nd year we actually took a break because of it. I know the warning signs...and while we have agreed that breaks are. of necessary again...it does take significant effort to weather the dark moods and lethargy.

 

However...I fell in love with this particular "vase" before I knew it had cracks...so I just went out and learned about how to handle the glue!

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I would say for you, just let him know you are there if he needs to talk but in the mean time concentrate on healing and moving on. His friends are clearly worried for him as well but from what i'm reading here it looks like he will need his space. I'm guessing that if he knows in the back of his mind that people are still there for him and still love him, he will reach out when he is ready to.

I know my Dad suffers with depression and it would be very confusing for me growing up before he was properly diagnosed.

 

Look after yourself as well, get on with life. Don't completely cling to the hope that he will snap out of it, but in case he does be prepared to make that decision.

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Hi all.

 

Thanks for your words of advice and support.

 

I am totally lost at the moment and really don't know how to deal with this.

 

He is back on his meds and has been taking them now for two weeks. He still insists he wants us to be friends. I don't understand this as I am so emotionally broken that I can't do that.

 

Some friends say just to give him some time but I am really struggling that I am now alone. I loved this guy (didn't realise so much until this happened) and I wanted to spend my life with him. Depression or not.

 

He is very stubborn and I really don't think he will come back regardless of his feelings.

 

I feel pathetic for saying this but it's been three weeks now and I am still a total mess (it's been 1.5 weeks of NC).

 

GNT. Lost and confused.

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I'm afraid it may be not just a depression, may be he lost his feelings to you. It is hard to disentangle as this a very complex situation. You can't be friend because you have feelings, he wants to be friends because he doesn't have romantic feelings but needs you support nonetheless. Which is selfish of him. I'd say cut contact and move on. I'm sorry for how you feel but there is a chance his feelings won't come back, like the case with my ex. Get a councelor, and expect to be a mess for a long time. It is a loss and a trauma so be gentle with yourself. And nothing pathetic here you are experiencing a very traumatic event. But I promise you, things will get better. Take care

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Do I really require a counciler so early?

 

I understand feelings could be the case but is it really possible for someone to change their feelings just two days after talking about the future? Depression or not!!

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Do I really require a counciler so early?

 

I understand feelings could be the case but is it really possible for someone to change their feelings just two days after talking about the future? Depression or not!!

 

Yes it is best for you to seek help. It speeds up the healing process by a lot and it is always good to vent.

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  • 2 weeks later...

So small update.

 

It's been over a month now since we broke up and almost four weeks since he started taking his tablets again.

 

He text at the end of last week to see how I was etc etc.

 

What do I make of this? Just a friendly text or could he be missing me? Haven't heard from him since then. One of my friends said something about an eight week thing. Anyone know much about this!? She said if it goes past eight weeks then it's gone forever.

 

Anyway - I am having up and seriously down days. Why am I struggling to cope with this so much!?

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