Girlfriend stopped finding me sexually attractive, cheated. Need advice.

[Rdg]

Hi, this is going to be a long one.

 

Ok. I have just come out of an 10 month relationship due to being cheated on. I am a 24 year old guy, she is a 29 year old girl.

 

Here's the history...

 

11 months ago a new housemate moved in on her birthday. We ended up getting really drunk and sleeping together. We carried on having a LOT of casual sex for the next month or so. Every day pretty much.

 

I should add that I have a neurological condition which means that I do not feel anything, at all, during sex. I still enjoy the social and intimate parts of it though. I told her this from the very start. I think this probably improves me sexually as I will never come too early and can also pretty much come on demand if needs be.

 

Due to the fact above I tend to concentrate more on the girl during sex. Lots of work with my hands / tongue and less actual penetrative sex. At least compared to other guys.

 

The sex was really good for her at first I think. Without being too graphic I would give her a squirting orgasm basically every time we had sex for the first month at least. It involved a lot of bed sheet changing but I didn't mind! She told me that did not happen with other guys so it was definitely a confidence boost.

 

The sex calmed down a bit over the next month, which i expected, but was still frequent.

 

After that though, the sex started becoming less and less frequent. It went from every day, to 3 times a week, to once a week, to once every 2 weeks over the course of about 6 months.

 

Over this time though we became the very best of friends. We got on so well. Everything else about the relationship was great. I'm not sure if we ever truly fell in love with each other though.

 

I was nice to her, but not particularly chivalrous or romantic. She is not really the romantic type though so I didn't see much need to be. I think I was too passive with her, but she suffers from depression so I didn't want to be too assertive.

 

I tried taking to her about the dwindling sex and she gave all sorts of excuses. Tired, depressed etc etc. the usuals.

 

I suspected that I just didn't turn her on anymore though. She ended up cheating after 10 months with her ex and I found out. She says it was only the once and I believe her. I asked her why she did and she again made up all sorts of excuses but I eventually forced the truth out of her.

 

The reason was that I just didn't turn her on anymore and her ex turns her on much more than I do. I knew that but hearing it was hard to take.

 

She wants to remain friends. Even though she is my best friend I definitely can't do that. If she had just told me earlier on that she was no longer interested in me sexually and ended it then maybe we could have remained friends. I won't tolerate this though.

 

What I really wanna know though is why she went off me sexually. It was a great relationship and I'm very upset it's over. The only reason it ended was because I stopped turning her on.

 

I have tried asking her why and she says she doesn't know. I suspect she does really but doesn't want to hurt my feelings / ego and is holding back from telling me.

 

To give some more clues. I am shorter than average, approx 5'8, but in good shape. Fairly muscular, fairly athletic, a sort of six pack. I do not lack for confidence. She is approx 5'0 dead so I don't think my height was ever an issue. Although I think her ex is a fair bit taller than me.

 

I probably have a smaller penis than average. Approx 5 - 5.5 inches.

 

I am fairly successful. I am 24 and I own my own house which I let out. I have been promoted twice in two years at my job. I am doing well.

 

My theories as to why she stopped fancying me are as follows:

 

1) I was always too passive with her. Always let her get her own way.

 

2) When things were going well she described sex with me as "gentle". I don't think this is a good thing. I think I need to take control a bit more during sex and make it a bit harder / rougher. I am a strong guy so I should be able to do this.

 

3) maybe the way I try to turn a girl on isn't that great. I've always been a bit clueless in this dept so tips are welcomed.

 

I do really want to figure out why she went off me sexually. It was a great relationship. Losing her is very upsetting and on top of that it has completely destroyed my confidence as well. If anyone thinks they might know why then please let me know.

[kompakt]

This doesn't sound like you were ever in a official relationship, you were just sex buddies who lived together and became friends. I don't think she technically cheated going on what you said in your post maybe expand on whether you were in a relationship or not, you just don't sound like you were a official couple to be honest. Why she got turned off? Could be many reasons, you might never know and do you really want to know?

 

You have a "neurological condition"? What does that mean? Please explain.

[daddids]

Agreed with kompakt that you never really were in a relationship. You were sex buddies.

 

Apart from that, you cant figure out why she is not into you and what caused it. Sex attraction is like a switch, its either on or off. You cant do much about it. She was into you at first, but now she isnt, as simple as that.

 

Dont blame yourself for her cheating on you, and for gods sake dont let your confidence get destroyed by this.

[Rdg]

I think there are blurred lines between what is and isn't an official relationship. I would have called it an official relationship and she would have as well. Maybe not at first, but it grew to that. There was definitely an understanding that it was monogamous.

 

I contracted a virus when I was 16. It left a lot of permanent neurological damage, mainly damaging motor and sensory functions. I am left with a pronounced tremor in my right hand and the inability to feel an pleasure whatsoever during sex or masturbation. It sucks. But I still have a sex drive despite that.

 

I do want to know why she went off me sexually. It's the only reason it ended. We could've been great together and I miss her loads. I don't want this happening again basically.

[Rdg]

Also. I met her parents. She never met mine but I am a bit terrified of commitment.

 

We had plans for the future, admittedly vague ones. We did plan to spend a very long time together. It did grow into a proper relationship, I'm sure of that.

[Hazyillusions]

Did you ever define it? Or discuss exclusivity? I don't think you were in a relationship.

[Rdg]

There was no actual conversation which defined it but we both knew. She felt horrendously guilty for doing it and she wouldn't have if she thought there wasn't exclusivity.

 

She definitely wanted it to work with me and we did talk about the future.

 

We just lost chemistry and it's a real shame because I've never liked anyone more than her.

 

I really wanna figure out why it happened. I need a response from a girl who isn't scared to be brutal and honest with me. If it's constructive then I can at least better myself and this past 10 months won't have been a complete waste of time.

[lerenard]

If she can`t give you a reason why - no one here can. But I will personally agree with others - sounds like you were sex buddies, and then just buddies. Maybe she had hopes that she can slowly diminish sex from your life and just be friends, but you weren't happy with that. Just a theory.

 

A proper relationship grows a bit longer then 10 months, again - in my personal opinion, and I doubt it starts with drunken sex on the first night you two see each other. That happens mostly in Hollywood movies.

 

About sex. Its a question of taste. Each girl is different, likes different things, seeks a different partner for herself.

 

Its sad that you are going through this now, but I believe if she had such a great relationship with you - she would have told you that she isn't feeling the sex lately and if you can try something else/new with her. Instead she went and cheated on you with her ex. No matter how exclusive or committed (or not) your relationship was - she admitted the fact that she cheated, and she isn't interested in getting back together. So what you saw as a great relationship was probably very dysfunctional from the beginning. She felt guilty because she knew its wrong, not because she was committed to you. She felt guilty because you found out.

 

You can better yourself by becoming a better person. And I don't mean the way you look or how your career is going. Then you get to know a girl you like and you actually TALK with her and become her friend before you become her sex buddy.

[Rdg]

I agree with most of what you're saying, lerenard. Not all of it though.

 

A relationship beginning as purely sexual and then becoming more doesn't just happen in Hollywood. And it can become something meaningful even if it does start that way. Is this an american forum by any chance? I think you guys have slightly different values / definitions of things.

 

It's a knock to my confidence more than anything, I'll admit. And you're right, I'll never find out the real reason. I'm probably just here to vent.

 

Although, having said that, we are best friends and I am going to miss her loads.

[Iggles]

It was crappy of her to cheat. There's no excuse for lies and dishonestly.

 

Looking for a reason that things fell apart is a guessing game.

 

I should add that I have a neurological condition which means that I do not feel anything, at all, during sex. I still enjoy the social and intimate parts of it though. I told her this from the very start. I think this probably improves me sexually as I will never come too early and can also pretty much come on demand if needs be.

 

Due to the fact above I tend to concentrate more on the girl during sex. Lots of work with my hands / tongue and less actual penetrative sex. At least compared to other guys.

 

The sex was really good for her at first I think.

 

In the beginning it was exciting and new. But perhaps overtime, knowing every time you two hooked up she couldn't reciprocate the pleasure you gave her made it feel one sided.. I know guys who can last long boast about it, but that's not what every woman finds enjoyable. For example, a long session every now and then is nice, but I'd prefer 25 minutes foreplay included where both parties get off.

 

Maybe the connection with her Ex just felt more raw to her. There's a feedback loop of pleasure some folks really enjoy, that makes sex more than just physical sensation.

 

Ultimately, it may have been a sexual compatibility issue. Despite having a sex drive, you cannot have sex for pleasure. You would be better off with someone who has sex for the same reasons you do -- connection and emotional needs. Or find a girl who is purely what they call in lesbian circles a "pillow princess" who is fine with getting 100% of the attention in bed and does not feel compelled to reciprocate with a partner.

[Rdg]

This is why I needed a response from a girl. You are talking a lot of sense and have understood the situation properly.

I didn't think of that at all, but it does make a lot of sense.

I don't want to lie though and pretend I feel anything during sex. Although I've neglected to mention it in relationships in the past and I don't want to anymore.

I'm thinking it might be tough though to find a girl who is 100% content with it.

[lerenard]

I am from Europe if that matters.

 

Values are exactly what I am talking about. I never heard of a girl that started a serious relationship by getting drunk and sleeping with the guy - that is what I meant. BUT I knew a lot of girls that were very happy with their "uncomplicated" relationships with their sex buddies for some time before the fantasy broke or something like your story happened. Maybe it is possible, but I think in that case after first "accident" sex, she will back off and get to know you. But as you said you were just bed humping for the first several months. That is a clear sign of what she was interested in. Best friends don't do that, in my opinion. Well, they do, I was backstabber too in my life, but then you see who they really are.

[Rdg]

We were definitely best friends. She has been messaging me this past month in an attempt to keep me as a friend and is definitely very very upset that I am no longer a part of her life.

[lerenard]

Then why she cheated?

I can promise you that if you give into her friendship thing you will be in much more pain.

[Rdg]

I am not entertaining the possibility of a friendship, no.

 

my plan is to remove her from my life entirely and move on.

 

The main reason for my questions are to try and avoid a repeat of this.

[lerenard]

Good for you! Good luck.

[greywolf]

Just because she felt guilty doesn't mean she feels like she cheated. Most people are going to feel guilty about doing something that they know might hurt someone they care about.

[Rdg]

Well I managed to get a hold of her phone and read a text to her ex which read "I feel terrible for cheating".

She knew she was cheating. Definitely. The relationship had become so much more than just sex.

[mhowe]

Maybe for you --- but I think it would be very hard to sustain a relationship with a man who felt nothing during sex.

Because it would make a woman feel like he was servicing her....

[kompakt]

How did you get her phone? Did you steal it and snoop? & your telling me you feel nothing during sex? Not a thing? No wonder you haven't told anyone that's just weird. Why have sex at all then, it seems pointless if you can't enjoy it.

[Rdg]

How did you get her phone? Did you steal it and snoop? & your telling me you feel nothing during sex? Not a thing? No wonder you haven't told anyone that's just weird. Why have sex at all then, it seems pointless if you can't enjoy it.

 

I can and do enjoy it despite feeling nothing. I still get turned on, I still have drive to do it. I still enjoy the intimate parts of it. Sex is so much more than just how it feels. Weirdly, I even still masturbate. There is just a need there that goes way beyond it feeling good.

 

Maybe you are right though. It might be better not to say? I have done this before in relationships and never had this problem. I don't really want to cover it up though. I am an open person. I don't like hiding things.

[mhowe]

Hiding something --- like a communicable disease --- is wrong.

 

Not telling someone that your unit doesn't have any feeling ---- is not sharing something that is none of their business.

[Rdg]

I wouldn't feel comfortable keeping it hidden in a long term relationship.

 

The thing is though if i don't say straight away then it's very difficult to say later on.

 

She is the only person I've ever told (other than you random strangers and the collection of clueless NHS neurologists I've been subjected to). I managed to let her know right before we first had sex, it's one of the hardest things I've ever said. Not sure I would've managed it without the Dutch courage. She didn't seem to mind though.

[mhowe]

Here's the thing: what is wrong with not talking about it?

 

Because while anyone can seem "not to mind", the longer the relationship goes on, the more it preys on her mind.

"here we are, having sex again, and he cannot feel anything. He is just doing it and I cannot make him "feel" anything."

[Iggles]

This is why I needed a response from a girl. You are talking a lot of sense and have understood the situation properly.

I didn't think of that at all, but it does make a lot of sense.

I don't want to lie though and pretend I feel anything during sex. Although I've neglected to mention it in relationships in the past and I don't want to anymore.

I'm thinking it might be tough though to find a girl who is 100% content with it.

 

Glad my response provided some insight for you.

 

It's going to be tough, but those kind of girls ARE out there. You may want to avoid those who are selfish in bed when that trait extends to other parts of the relationship. You may do well to find a girl who main draw for sex is physical sensation (those type of girls can be high desire yet can be satisfied by solo simulation, so they don't feel the need to seek out tons of sexual partners to scratch that itch).

 

Also, you may match well with a girl who main motivation for sex is physical closeness as a way to emotional connect with a partner.

 

This quote does a good job of covering the different aspects of sex drives:

 

It might help to try to tease out different aspects of "sex drive". I can identify at least four components off the top of my head: frequency, intensity, physical desire, and relational desire.

Frequency

is how often someone desires any sexual activity.

Intensity

is how strongly they experience that desire.

Physical

is how much of that desire is focused on psycho-physical sensations of getting off.

Relational

is how much of that desire is focused on interpersonal/relational aspects of partnered sexuality. A "high-libido" person who is mostly concerned with the psycho-physical sensations can handle that by masturbating a lot without needing to press a partner for sex, and a "high-libido" person who wants sex frequently but doesn't experience that desire as consuming or disruptive or dysphoric (or anything similar) i.e. has a low-intensity sex drive may be fine with infrequent sex, even if ze is mostly concerned with relational aspects. Either of these could make fine matches for people we might term "low-libido".

 

Someone with a an average or high need for the relational component in sex would probably have a hard time with a partner who cannot enjoy sex. It would feel one-sided and the feedback loop of pleasure wouldn't be there.

 

Maybe for you --- but I think it would be very hard to sustain a relationship with a man who felt nothing during sex.

Because it would make a woman feel like he was servicing her....

 

Honestly, I like getting a lot of attention in bed but it would definitely feel odd to me if my guy couldn't feel pleasure during sex and experience the high that comes with physical release.. Under those circumstances I couldn't help but feel sex was somewhat mechanical and/or too cerebral.

 

your telling me you feel nothing during sex? Not a thing? No wonder you haven't told anyone that's just weird. Why have sex at all then, it seems pointless if you can't enjoy it.

 

OP, I saw your response to this and I'll take you at your word that you find sex enjoyable despite not feeling physical pleasure. But I admit, I find it hard to wrap my head around. I suppose, much like a person who is deaf from birth cannot conceptualize what music sounds like..

 

On the flip side, I am thinking of analogy and let me know if it seems applicable --

 

At first I saw it similar to, if I didn't need to eat to continue living. Even though many foods taste amazing, if there wasn't a base need for me to eat I wouldn't see the point in eating regular meals just because other people do.

 

However, your situation is more like: You still need food to continue living but no matter what you eat you cannot taste it. Your body still needs nutrients, so you're driven to eat regardless.

 

Abandoning the analogy, our sex drives are the result of our body agenda to reproduce. Sex feels good but it's not the sole reason our brains drive us to seek it out. It's an amazing byproduct of good sex, but clearly as you demonstrate it is possible to have a sex drive independent of feeling pleasurable sensations from engaging in it.

 

Now it really sucks that you are having a hard time due to something you cannot control. But returning to the food analogy, some people wouldn't date a vegetarian because sharing a steak dinner is something they value doing with a partner. It's just the way the cards fall sometimes. Chalk it up to a bad match and move on!

 

Anyway, hope my analogies weren't too confusing! :smiley_simmons: