silversoul Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 They just didn't love enough to try. It baffles me that after all we had he was ok to choose not to see me again in this life. What else needs to be added? They were ok with us not being in their lives. So please don't think about getting back with them. Link to comment
toby4 Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 You guys need to stop pining over why they broke up with you it's unhealthy and it's stunting your growth, Im going to quote myself from an earlier post i made... I really don’t know if what they did was right or wrong for you, but thanks to them you’ll be able to improve upon yourself and make yourself into someone better. And now they don’t have to force a relationship which was ultimately making them unhappy. So I guess that means it had to be the right thing for them, and no one can blame them for that. When you’re hurting you learn to hate, However when you hurt someone else you end up being resented and feeling guilty for it. Try understanding the pain that they’re probably feeling. While it isn’t the same pain they’ve caused you it still is a very real pain, it isn’t an easy situation and no one here is the victim or the villain. It takes two to make a relationship work and it takes two for it to be broken. Through this all hopefully you can begin to understand your troubles, faults, and problems a lot better and maybe you’ll understand theirs as well. It really will help you grow by experiencing this, thinking about it, and figuring out what to do you’ll learn how you can improve and help others improve as well. You guys should try and see what good can come from your BU Link to comment
silversoul Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 I believe it is ok to release some of the negativity, it helps healing. I don't hate my ex but I don't care about his pain at all. When he didn't give a damn when I was feeing suicidal, alone in a foreign country with no support available, he was having fun with his new interest. Sorry but no. I obviously still care about him and I forgave him (sort of) but you cannot ask me to sympathise his pain. I'm not a Virgin Mary, I'm a human being Link to comment
Aaron Hodges Posted February 4, 2014 Author Share Posted February 4, 2014 I am, I have learnt an awful lot from the whole thing. I put all the blame on myself for the first two months after the breakup, and I am still working on improving myself and becoming a better person. I also understand alot about why she ended things, and how easy it would have been to slip past that point of friendship with someone she worked so much with. It would have been so easy to develop feelings for him, and start making comparisons. But it could never be a fair comparison - between a well established relationship and one in the honeymoon stages where the only things they do together are fun things. No relationship is perfect. There will always be things that make you unhappy. There were times when I thought about breaking up with her, but realised it would be a huge mistake, so I did my best to talk through those things with her instead. I know damn well I wasn't perfect, and I especially wasn't a great communicator towards the end either. It was just too hard with the amount of time she spent with him, while neglecting us. Personally, I think the only perfect relationship is one where both parties are open about what they are unhappy with, and there is enough love on both sides to work on those things. Link to comment
toby4 Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 I believe it is ok to release some of the negativity, it helps healing. I don't hate my ex but I don't care about his pain at all. When he didn't give a damn when I was feeing suicidal, alone in a foreign country with no support available, he was having fun with his new interest. Sorry but no. I obviously still care about him and I forgave him (sort of) but you cannot ask me to sympathise his pain. I'm not a Virgin Mary, I'm a human being Im only trying to say that turning your ex into a "villain" will ultimately blow up in your face and this is speaking from experience, I do agree it's good to let loose and i'm really no trying to say you guys shouldn't Im just warning you that i think it's unhealthy Link to comment
toby4 Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 agreed but i dont like the word perfect haha Link to comment
Lucha Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 I believe it is ok to release some of the negativity, it helps healing. I don't hate my ex but I don't care about his pain at all. When he didn't give a damn when I was feeing suicidal, alone in a foreign country with no support available, he was having fun with his new interest. Sorry but no. I obviously still care about him and I forgave him (sort of) but you cannot ask me to sympathise his pain. I'm not a Virgin Mary, I'm a human being This reminds me of my ex not being there at all for me when I was too - suicidal. Thanks for reminding me, I can use that. Your last quote made me laugh made me think of this one: "Forgiving and forgetting? I'm not Jesus nor do I have Alzheimer's!" ;-) Link to comment
toby4 Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 This reminds me of my ex not being there at all for me when I was too - suicidal. Thanks for reminding me, I can use that. Your last quote made me laugh made me think of this one: "Forgiving and forgetting? I'm not Jesus nor do I have Alzheimer's!" ;-) Yeah but suicidal thoughts arent their responsibility to fix... your happiness is up to you... Link to comment
silversoul Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 Im only trying to say that turning your ex into a "villain" will ultimately blow up in your face and this is speaking from experience, Can you elaborate? I'm not turning him into a villain. But he ended it very ugly blaming everything on me. Link to comment
Aaron Hodges Posted February 4, 2014 Author Share Posted February 4, 2014 Haha yeah, nothing is perfect, but that's what I feel is the closest thing to it! I honestly spend most of my day flying between loving her, hating her, and wishing I could never think of her again, and then wishing she'd come back. I hate hating her, I hate all the anger and frustration I feel towards her. And I just despair every time I think about letting her go, about never seeing her again, that it really is over. Its all just tearing me up inside and sometimes it just feels like i'm trapped agreed but i dont like the word perfect haha Link to comment
Lucha Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 It's true that they are not the one to be held responsible for our happiness.. But that doesn't mean that they can just run off like that and ignore you. No matter how bad things are that is just plain disrespectful. Link to comment
toby4 Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 Can you elaborate? I'm not turning him into a villain. But he ended it very ugly blaming everything on me. I agree it was very immature to put all the blame on you, sorry if i offended you at all. Im just trying to warn you to not cross that dangerous line, that is all Haha yeah, nothing is perfect, but that's what I feel is the closest thing to it! I honestly spend most of my day flying between loving her, hating her, and wishing I could never think of her again, and then wishing she'd come back. I hate hating her, I hate all the anger and frustration I feel towards her. And I just despair every time I think about letting her go, about never seeing her again, that it really is over. Its all just tearing me up inside and sometimes it just feels like i'm trapped Yeah i agree that open communication is a must for any healthy relationship, it takes some time you're probably just still used to the feeling of being in a relationship... Link to comment
toby4 Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 It's true that they are not the one to be held responsible for our happiness.. But that doesn't mean that they can just run off like that and ignore you. No matter how bad things are that is just plain disrespectful. I guess I'm not understanding why they can't ignore you if it's what's healthiest for them and im not saying you shouldn't be upset but i think you should at the very least respect the decision they made Link to comment
Aaron Hodges Posted February 4, 2014 Author Share Posted February 4, 2014 Yeah i agree that open communication is a must for any healthy relationship, it takes some time you're probably just still used to the feeling of being in a relationship... Probably. I miss... her? Or maybe what we once had. I don't really know anymore. I wish I could just let go. But everytime I tell myself its over, that she's never coming back, I just find myself in tears. I honestly wish sometimes I could truly hate her, but I just can't find it in myself Link to comment
toby4 Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 Probably. I miss... her? Or maybe what we once had. I don't really know anymore. I wish I could just let go. But everytime I tell myself its over, that she's never coming back, I just find myself in tears. I honestly wish sometimes I could truly hate her, but I just can't find it in myself The answer is time, you dont need to hate her you need to forgive her. and that will only come with time and lots of it Link to comment
silversoul Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 I recommend you book called the Journey from Abandonment to Healing, it helped me. Toby, I'm not offended, I have a little breakthrough: during the day just recently I started to have moments when I feel truly indifferent to him. They are very short but they've appeared just recently Link to comment
toby4 Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 I recommend you book called the Journey from Abandonment to Healing, it helped me. Toby, I'm not offended, I have a little breakthrough: during the day just recently I started to have moments when I feel truly indifferent to him. They are very short but they've appeared just recently That's awesome to hear Link to comment
Aaron Hodges Posted February 4, 2014 Author Share Posted February 4, 2014 Its stupid, but I feel like the only way I could truly forgive her is if she stopped enjoying the fruits of what she's done. She doesn't have to feel the pain I've felt, or want to get back together, or even ever see me again. But so long as she is with him... I know forgiveness comes from within and it shouldn't matter etc. But I don't feel/want to forgive her, don't feel she deserves my forgiveness, while she is still withi him The answer is time, you dont need to hate her you need to forgive her. and that will only come with time and lots of it Link to comment
Lucha Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 I guess I'm not understanding why they can't ignore you if it's what's healthiest for them and im not saying you shouldn't be upset but i think you should at the very least respect the decision they made Because in my specific situation, she was stringing me along for months, telling me 'she didnt know' whether to breakup or not, when I was gone she missed me, the talks we had, etc. But then when I truly started to cave suddenly I was no longer fun to be around and therefore no longer worth any bother. To which I think, in a good and mature relationship there will always be 'dull' or 'not so fun' times and you just choose to commit, despite of life not being one great party. Just my opinion that is. Link to comment
Lucha Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 @aaron Forgiveness isnt really necessary, screw her and her perfect little circus life (which by the way I cant imagine to be a stable, fulfilling life) and focus on making yourself happy. I know you're probably thinking she is so happy now, truth is that wont last either - nothing in life is permanent. Link to comment
toby4 Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 Because in my specific situation, she was stringing me along for months, telling me 'she didnt know' whether to breakup or not, when I was gone she missed me, the talks we had, etc. But then when I truly started to cave suddenly I was no longer fun to be around and therefore no longer worth any bother. To which I think, in a good and mature relationship there will always be 'dull' or 'not so fun' times and you just choose to commit, despite of life not being one great party. Just my opinion that is. Well my ex "strung me along" for 6 months before breaking up with me for the same reasons, those 6 months were easily the least enjoyable part of the relationship and my ex still tries to contact me telling she misses but i ignore it because i know it's just so she doesn't have to feel as guilty and nothing has changed. If she has anything important to say she can find a way to tell me without texting/calling and i won't settle unless she admits to the mistakes made without out me having to hold her hand and walk her through everything she did wrong. She needs to learn that for herself Link to comment
silversoul Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 Aaron, is this your real name, btw? I would suggest changing if it is. It is hard because not only she broke up with you, but went with someone else. But you really need to focus on yourself. Don't feed this obsessive thinkinh Link to comment
Aaron Hodges Posted February 4, 2014 Author Share Posted February 4, 2014 Haha thanks Lucha, that gave me a good laugh and brought a few tears to my eyes Truth is, I don't see it lasting. Its just incredible how much the whole acrobatics stuff has taken over her life. I remember talking to her about precisely that a year ago... But things just got nuts once he came along and she had someone she could practice all the time with. But to hell with her. She's made her choices, she's the one that will have to live with the consequences. I'm going to move on in life, go scuba diving, take a trip around the world, ski, beach, meet new people, and catch up with some old friends. And you know why I can do all this? Because while she was off cavorting with some other guy (I miss all the free time uni students have), I've been working, earning a living, saving money. I wish her luck being able to do that on 100-300 per week after expenses! @aaron Forgiveness isnt really necessary, screw her and her perfect little circus life (which by the way I cant imagine to be a stable, fulfilling life) and focus on making yourself happy. I know you're probably thinking she is so happy now, truth is that wont last either - nothing in life is permanent. Link to comment
vaw6 Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 35 days since BU and about 20 days NC. Still traumatized. Link to comment
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