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jealous over current partner's ex...


dasnico

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First off, I KNOW this is unhealthy and isn't good for the relationship, but I have to vent somewhere to people that will understand and not freak out my current "partner."

 

I've been talking to this guy for several months now, and recently we decided to get together. Everything is going really well. Our first date was amazing and we've spent a lot of time with each other since. I really like him, and he's my first ~love interest in quite some time. I don't want to ruin this over something as petty as jealousy. Purely talking to each other for an extended period of time before meeting was something new for me, and I'm happy with the outcome so far.

 

Needless to say, he has mentioned his ex a couple times. He states how much he doesn't like his ex since they broke up earlier last year, but his roommates still hang out with the ex. Me being the idiot I am, I did a little research on Facebook and it didn't take long to find pictures. I recently learned his ex's name. They seem to still be friends, and there's photos from as early as a couple weeks ago with them out drinking with their arms around each other and whatnot. In my experience, I don't keep photos of me and my ex's online, I don't remain friends with them on facebook (part of the healing process, no?), and I remove myself from tagged photos. There's still many photos of from when they were still together. It bothers me how he hasn't done anything about this, and I don't know why. I believe him when he says he isn't fond of his ex, but this all still irks me somehow. When we parted ways last night he went home and his ex was there hanging out. The fact they're still around each other bothers me, though them having mutual friends is out of his control. I suppose in the long run I would want him to remove his tags/pictures of him and his ex. I think it's too early to ask him to do something about how much his ex is still around, and to remove any photo tags. I DON'T want to ruin a good thing.

 

I don't want this to bother me!!! His ex is VERY attractive. Does anyone have any advice?? I am concerned I'm going to get to a point where I'll be comparing myself to the ex and wonder if I'm providing a good time like it seems they had during their relationship, based on the pictures.

 

Ugh.

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Hi dasnico.

 

 

I want to tell you a story about my last relationship.

 

I too early on in the relationship felt insecure, and had a gut feeling about SOMETHING, who knows what it was?

 

As ime progressed during our 8 month relationship, constant tales of her ex would pop up. "me and my ex used to do that". "we cant go there my ex goes there"

"we cant do this i did it with my ex" Until i was literally exhausted.

 

Guess what happened, that initial gut feeling almost resulted in me dumping her 2 months in. (it wasn't just the gut feeling, it was also her distancing herself from me when we had little arguments and said "its not supposed to be like this" (would go on for a couple weeks))

 

 

Now, me brushing it off, guess what happened? She crushed my sorry ass after 8 months of us getting super close and me falling in love and started talking to her ex again..

 

 

Honestly, you shouldn't feel insecure with your S/O. They should make you feel confident, accepted. And last but not least, READ AND IDENTIFY WARNING SIGNS.

 

 

If it's not anything like my past, I would possibly suggest communicating with him about it, communication is key in a successful relationship

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No advice but I sympathise - it sounds like a hard situation to be in actually. You can't just click your fingers and stop feeling insecure. You can remind yourself that he's not with her for a reason - and he's with you for a reason ... but beyond that there's little you can do. Sorry it's such a tough situation.

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I often see any mention of the ex early on as a red flag. The more they claim to not like their ex, the less they are over them. I dated a guy who "HATED" his ex. He may very well have done, but everything I did he compared me to her, good OR bad.

The fact that they still mention them means they're definitely still on their mind.

Now to your specific situation, I wouldn't like it even more. His ex still hangs around with him, they still have mutual friends (can be annoying, but sometimes unavoidable) and there is always that chance that there are unresolved feelings still hanging around.

I am worried for you that even though they seem to have formed some kind of friendship, the moment he mentions you she will begin wanting him again.

 

If you have an uneasy feeling about the whole situation I would say keep your guard up. If you are ever uncomfortable with something about a person you would like to be in a relationship with otherwise, then it is okay to walk away. If you do feel like walking, then it wouldn't hurt to mention to him that you are very uncomfortable with him and his exes relationship, and that is why you don't think it's going to work. If he wants to move on to a healthy relationship with a self respecting person then he will most likely be willing to cut ties. If he refuses to change anything for you then I would see that as your gut instinct becoming a reality.

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Honestly, you shouldn't feel insecure with your S/O. They should make you feel confident, accepted.

 

I think Mike hit the nail on the head here.

 

Would it make you feel better if certain boundaries were set? i.e., if the ex knows he's seeing someone and knows who you are, if he doesn't hang out with her one-on-one, if when they are out together, he isn't putting his arm around her, etc. If there are particular things, like these, that he could do, which would make you feel comfortable in trusting him when he says their relationship is platonic... then I would suggest asking him for these things. Don't do it as an ultimatum... but throw it out there like "Hey, I'm feeling a little uneasy about your relationship with your ex and how you are always hanging out with her. Would it be ok if we did X to alleviate some of my concerns? I know this may just be me overanalyzing things, but I would really feel more comfortable if we did X." Just see how he reacts and go from there.

 

Alternatively, if there is no level of boundaries that would make you feel comfortable, then ask yourself if it is worth it to stay in a relationship where you feel insecure and unable to trust the person you are with? What is the point of it being a relationship then?

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^^ I don't necessarily disagree with CeeLambrini and the others but.... on the plus side..

 

1) He hasn't given you any reason to be worried - he's not picking spending time with her over you, for instance. He doesn't seem to be comparing you with her at the moment, etc.

 

2) It's very early days yet - he may distance himself more and more from her (in terms of hanging out as friends) as he spends increasing time with you - and as she too moves on with someone else.

 

3) They broke up a whole year ago - enough time to get over each other

 

4) He's not hiding anything about the relationship as it now is.

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Thanks for the comments, guys.

 

Circe~, in response to your comment, they broke up at the end of this past summer. Not THAT long ago, but still. He said his ex lacked any humility and he didn't like that. The comments in your final post make me feel better.

 

In his defense, he has told me that he doesn't talk to his ex when he doesn't need to, he avoids hugs that his ex tries to initiate, and that his ex is only around when his roommates are hanging out with the ex. I also just learned that his ex is still a part of group activities they must have been a part of during their relationship. From what I can gather they are around each other a lot. I think if things progress between us that I will ask him a little more in-depth about their current relationship. I tend to avoid questions that might yield answers I don't want to hear.

 

I have yet to spend time around him and his group of friends, so I don't have first-hand experience if there are in fact any boundaries set. I'm totally reliant upon his word. He called me and we talked for an hour earlier tonight which made me think that he does in fact like me more than I initially thought (things he said). Afterwards, he sent me screenshots of some of our first conversations, followed by smiley faces. For me, it just raised some red flags to see that there are still so many pictures of them online, both recently, and when they were together. I realize people have history with other people. I guess it's something I just need to accept.

 

He also said something about how he wants to come to me when we hang out because he "wants to get away". I half thought that he might be hiding something by me not coming to him. I'm going to keep my eye on this in particular. He lives an hour away and I've told him it isn't fair that he makes the commute every time.

 

I feel stupid putting my guard up so early into this little relationship, but it's still very new and I'm still learning about him. I like him a lot, but I've been hurt in the past, so naturally my first instinct is to be very cautious.

 

Thank you for your comments and support! It's nice to hear opinions other than my subconsious

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For me, it just raised some red flags to see that there are still so many pictures of them online, both recently, and when they were together. I realize people have history with other people. I guess it's something I just need to accept.

 

Yeah, I can understand that you wouldn't like seeing that stuff - but the problem with reading anything into it is that you could read exact opposite things into it. He could have the pics, including recent ones, up there because he's still not over her. Or he could have them there because he's so over her they don't evoke any feelings of sadness that the relationship is over - or any feelings of pain - and so he doesn't think twice about whether they are there or not.

 

See how it goes - hopefully he'll turn out to be a good guy

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I think you are going down a bad path here. From what you describe, you have only had one date with him. All of that talking amounts to you knowing more about him ... not extended time to count towards dating.

 

At the same time you are using language to suggest that this will turn into a long term relationship. Don't make that assumption.

 

You should take this time to OBSERVE. him. If he talks about his ex so much that you feel he has residual feelings then you should stop dating him versus already thinking about what you want him to do and change. And the facebook research is too much. Just because you defriend exes does not mean every person should. And monitoring and managing his facebook will only breed insecurity.

 

Just relax ... observe and see if he is good for a relationship with you based on more objectivity.

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Don't turn this into a parent/child dynamic: He can post whatever pictures he wants on his facebook page. If you don't like it, then stop looking at his page. Problem solved.

 

How you dealt with your ex's is just that: how you dealt with them. He's not you and he's not obligated to behave as you would. You either accept how he is or you bounce; but it's not your place to change him. If you don't want to ruin a good thing, then talk to him about his feelings for her and her role in his life--don't come in issuing demands and commands that he get rid of pictures on his facebook page. You will find yourself out of a relationship with a quickness.

 

One thing you can't change is the fact that the roommate is friends with her and she's going to be around because of that. If you can't hang with that, then don't go over there. The roommate is allowed to be friends with whomever he wishes and to invite whoever he wishes to come over and visit.

 

 

 

Then don't. Do yourself a huge favor now and put the brakes on that kind of thinking or else you will be comparing yourself to his ex and wondering if you're providing a good time. You are choosing to let it bother you... and that is something you have control over.

 

You're only a few months into this and already, you're reaching for unhealthy, controlling behavior because you don't think who you are is good enough for this guy based upon you feeling that his ex is better looking than you. Has it occurred to you that his dislike for her might not be superficial as you're making it out to be? It's not about looks: it's about who she is as a person and he chose to separate himself from that and be with you. Why is that not good enough for you? Why do you have to scorch and salt his history in order to feel good about who you are and believe that who you are is good enough?

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