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Called with the ex. All hope is crushed now..


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So I finally answered her call. She called to see how I was doing. We first had a talk about stuff that's been going on in our lives and then she asked if I was seeing anyone. I said I was open to the idea and have been dating but not seeing anyone at the moment. She wasn't seeing anyone either. We then got to the subject of the breakup and she again gave her reasons, so she still thinks about it in that way. I in turn said how I felt about the whole thing, that I regret that a good relationship just went down in flames. That I think it's too weird to talk like friends and probably shouldn't do this anymore. She said she missed me as a friend,.. the same stuff she said all along. I guess all hope has been crushed now. I feel plain awful. It feels like being rejected all over again. Feelings all came rushing back to me. I managed to remain in control throughout the conversation but now I am crying my eyes out. Still cant believe this is it. I loved this woman so much. Still do. I did ask her not to contact anymore and she said well we'll be seeing eachother maybe on some parties and I said I really hope we didn't,bc that would be really bad to me.

 

Anyway now that the feeling of losing all hope hit me I hope I can finally move on. It's so hard though I still want her so much, but she doesn't want me anymore. These are without a doubt the worst months of my life. Hope I never have to experience such pain ever again. ...

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It's a hard pill to swallow but you know it's for the best that you move on without her in the picture....

 

Was in your shoes, and I think the only way for some people to move on after a breakup is to not see/talk to the person... i actually think it is a quicker route to recovery

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No Contact really is the best way.... all this contact has done nothing but keep you hoping and living in limbo -- and keep HER from missing you.

 

Please cut off all means of her contacting you now. I'd be surprised if she didn't continue to use you anytime she was feeling bored or lonely or in need of an ego boost.

 

Cut her off -- don't let her hurt you like this again.

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Hi Lucha, I hope you're okay, you've said some very kind and helpful things to me on my threads so I hope I can return the favor.

 

I'm sure you know the best thing now is to cut contact with her. She is obviously in a very different place to you and it's not going to be good for you and it will be really selfish of her if she carried on trying to get in touch just because she misses you. Obviously she misses you, you're clearly a kind and caring person who she shared her life with, but in the end she made her choice to give up on that and it's a choice you both have to live with now.

 

Try and look for positives, I bet if you think back to before your relationship you never would have imagined you could be so happy, that's what you have to take from this- you may feel incredibly low now but you never know what's around the corner and that happiness will come again if you want it.

 

Let yourself be sad but try to think positively when you can. If it helps then come on here and read the no contact success stories from others, I find them really inspiring. Take care of yourself x

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Thanks everyone. I guess I got my hopes up too high from reading the getting back together -threads. I can tell you when she said "once the feeling is gone it is very hard to get back" It felt like my world collapsed -again. I have been crying for an hour now and have an incredible headache. I sent her one final text to state clear that I love her too much to ever find peace in being 'just friends'. And if she ever reconsiders, she can let me know.

 

My god, the pain. The awful pain. It feels like it did on day 1. I hope that it won't take me weeks to recover from this now, I mean I 'll probably still feel bad within months from now but it has so much interfered with my everyday life (ie not eating, not sleeping, etc) I just cant go through this again.

 

Part of me knows that this is just the final goodbye to something that was long gone already. That I did everything I could. But I cant stop crying..

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My heart goes out to you Lucha.

 

This moment when you have to give up hope is definitely like going through the break-up all over again. Very hard. I've copied and pasted below a very old quote from another poster that helped me:

 

"This can be a VERY sad period, and can be like starting the breakup all over again ("they're really gone...forever!"). You will probably never get answers to your questions, nor any consolation that will cure the pain of the loss. It's a puzzle that cannot be solved, simply because there is no solution. IT JUST IS. That slippery statement won't sooth your troubled mind, but it is the smooth center of truth where you can rest your mind and take a break from focusing on a fantasy where the ex returns (hope)."

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You need to have at the very least 3-6 months of NC for any chance of her wanting to get back together to be feasible; to come to a resolution about the relationship being over. For at least the first 6 months, it is impossible to be friends with someone for whom you pine to get back together. They don't get the real opportunity to see what life is really like without you in it with no hope of contacting you. Even though it kills you to go through it, in the long run, it's the best way to protect yourself from your psychotic hope which wants to run head long into a friendship--stepping on the bleeding out carcass of the relationship, in fact to get there. Hope is the last thing to leave and psychotic hope feeds stubbornness, and that leads one into a minefield where their emotional limbs are being blown off left and right, causing more damage than should be.

 

My dear, cry your heart out. Get it all out. Go through the process. It's necessary for healing. Just make sure to have some Dristan or Mucinex nasal spray around so you don't develop a nasty sinus infection (that's what happened to me).

 

For what it's worth, I think that you handled the conversation very well.

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God I feel so awful.. The hurt, the pain,.. I woke up crying, it won't go away

 

Hey man hang in there and let the healing begin... Life is way to short to wake up every morning with regret, yes you need to grieve and its going to take some time. Move on loving the people who treat you right and forget about those who don't believe everything that's happened will make you stronger and learn from falling down!

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It was the first time I felt so attracted to somebody and the feelings were mutual. All memories from the first months keep haunting me. I remember how insanely happy I was.. It just felt SO right!! How can her feelibgs fade over a course of only months.. I don't understand I have never felt worse in my entire life. It's 5 am and I cant sleep I'm bursting out in tears every half hour.. It honestly feels like dying!

 

I'm sorry I'm being a dramaqueen, its just that I see my happy life now ending forever.. I dont even know whether I want to continue living like this!

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I really don’t know if what they did was right or wrong for you, but thanks to them you’ll be able to improve upon yourself and make yourself into someone better. And now they don’t have to force a relationship which was ultimately making them unhappy. So I guess that means it had to be the right thing for them, and no one can blame them for that. When you’re hurting you learn to hate, However when you hurt someone else you end up being resented and feeling guilty for it. Try understanding the pain that they might be feeling. While it isn’t the same pain they’ve caused you it still is a very real pain, it isn’t an easy situation and no one here is the victim or the villain. It takes two to make a relationship work and it takes two for it to be broken. Through this all hopefully you can begin to understand your troubles, faults, and problems a lot better and maybe you’ll understand theirs as well. It really will help you grow by experiencing this, thinking about it, and figuring out what to do you’ll learn how you can improve and help others improve as well.

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She never gave me any reasons. That's why I cannot seem to accept. We were so happy. She withdrew gradually and nothing in particular has caused this she said. She really wanted to get her feelings back but she couldn't. I don't understand. I feel like I want to just die..........

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You should be very happy that you cried your eyes out after that phone call, and I'll tell you why.

 

My entire life I've endeavored to put up an extremely stoic facade, and exude an air of apathy and independence. Up until relatively recently, that's what it was - a facade. That is to say, I'd act one way face-to-face, and then scurry off and cry in private.

 

Nowadays, I no longer do that. I act like I have no feelings, and the reality is, I don't. I don't care about anything anymore. My ex calls me from time to time to chit chat or ask for advice, and it leaves me with absolutely no ill feelings whatsoever. Even when I found out she's engaged within a year of the demise of our 8 year relationship, I genuinely felt nothing.

 

In the beginning, I thought that the key to my "healing" would be ensconced in another woman's heart; nothing could be further from the truth. I've dated many in the relatively short time since the end, and some are objectively better than the one I lost. But I feel absolutely nothing.

 

It's a weird battle that I'm fighting with myself right now. The logical part of my mind tells me that there's something abnormal about feeling nothing, and not just regarding the ex, but in relation to every external stimuli, traumatic or otherwise. But the emotional part of my mind doesn't exist, so whatever quandary posed my the logical side of my brain is quickly dismissed.

 

So, in closing, it's good that you're still crying.

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She never gave me any reasons. That's why I cannot seem to accept. We were so happy. She withdrew gradually and nothing in particular has caused this she said. She really wanted to get her feelings back but she couldn't. I don't understand. I feel like I want to just die..........

 

what reason more do you need other than that she was unhappy with what your relationship was?

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Look at your original posts...she gave you lots of reasons.

And then you threatened...and she stayed and gave a slower fade out.

You need to stop romantisizing the relationship.

It was what it was....and both of you contributed to the demise.

 

So....it is over.

Life does go on.

Calm down and carry on!!

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She gave me reasons she thought the feelings were over because:

I dont like to roll in the sand, I never get drunk, I never acted silly around her friends and gave them a wedgie for instance.

 

I cannot believe these are the reasons I got dumped over. She said you had it all but still my feelings were gone.

 

I've been through so much relationship sh*t with lesbians I'm starting to hate life.

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Hey maybe you should try men next time! j/k

 

This is the end of a cycle for you. The good news is you have a bright future. You just graduated, you'll find a job, meet new people, develop new social life. All this will give you perspective and make you realise there's so much more in life than your Ex. Exciting times are ahead!

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Hey maybe you should try men next time! j/k

 

This is the end of a cycle for you. The good news is you have a bright future. You just graduated, you'll find a job, meet new people, develop new social life. All this will give you perspective and make you realise there's so much more in life than your Ex. Exciting times are ahead!

 

Actually I'm pretty incapable of working now.. To the point where even my mentor told me not to start working as a general practitioner now because it is such a hard world and I'm just a big mess. I managed to get my master's degree but I'm so lost what my future is concerned.. I really don't wanna do this alone. I can't. I had plans and dreams with her and now they're all gone. I just can't do this alone. My emotions are all over the place.

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You can and you will, you have no other choice. You'll reach a point where your inner strength and self preservation instinct will kick in. For now take time for yourself and follow the advices for post breakup situations. And by all means, do not contact her or let her contact you again! Lots of hugs to you.

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You can and you will, you have no other choice. You'll reach a point where your inner strength and self preservation instinct will kick in. For now take time for yourself and follow the advices for post breakup situations. And by all means, do not contact her or let her contact you again! Lots of hugs to you.

 

Thanks. I just feel a complete and utter loser for not being able to function properly the last few months. I'm not working so I dont bother anyone, I'm not taking advantage of the social system or anything.. But still I am such a mess. And I really want to be strong but I 'm doing what I can, taking meds, counseling, keepin busy. I was doing good. We called one time and she knocks me right down again. From now on there will be no contact and no replying to contact anymore. I did everything else so this must be my last solace.

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